This is only a test...

This is a test to see where your heart lies... repeat, this is only a test

Sometimes God asks us either / or questions to reveal to us where our heart lies.


Today God asked me this question,"If you could only pick one, would you get married or go to medical school?" I thought, "WHAT???? Do you mean I have to pick between the two?" He said, "For this question's sake, yes." Grrrrrrrr... I really really want both."


Thinking... thinking... still thinking....


"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - OD!!!! I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE ASKING ME THIS! I want both, You KNOW I do."



Then I thought about it harder. Medical school is something that I want. Getting married means I get someone that I want. God told me that all my life that I've been seeking after somethings because I thought that I was not good enough for or not wanted enough to seek after a someone. Then I said, "Hey, God, You're that Someone I've been wanting!" Cool. Got that taken care of! Now I have my answer: I want to go to medical school :)" ha ha! I outsmarted God!


"Ok, that's true. You can lean on and trust Me to be that Someone regardless of your state on earth. But if you could ask me for one thing: medical school or marriage and you were sure I'd give it to you, what would you ask for?"


Hmmm... Crap. Didn't outsmart God. I knew what He was getting at. He was getting at what my heart longed for. He knew where all my fantasies went (good and bad) and He was trying to help me unpack it. But I didn't like thinking in either / or terms. Medical school was something I wanted ever since I was in 10th grade. I liked science. I liked biology the most. I liked figuring out problems. I liked helping people. Medical school would let me use all that. But what else did I seek when I became a doctor? People needed me. Society always needs doctors, right? and they hardly ever get laid off. So they have high mal - practice insurance and some may have to do surgery at 3:00am on Christmas Eve, but everyone needs doctors. And everyone at least respects doctors - ok, most people do. According to Mom, she made it seem like all the other people in the health professions (especially the nurses) got stepped on all the time. I didn't want that. I wanted to be in a position where if I didn't like what was going on, I'd be in a position to change it. And I wanted significance. Everyone knows what a doctor is and what he or she does. And everyone would know I was pretty smart.


pause.


So was I wanting praise of men? At least that's what that last paragraph seemed to say. God likes things done in secret and not showy (mt 6:1 - 18) for people to see. He would much prefer us doing stuff that's just between Him and us. Of course if guys like Rick Warren and Oswald Chambers go public, it's good if that's God's will, but their heart has to remain as if they were just doing whatever they do to please God and not men. So, do I want to go to medical school just for the kicks of having all the presige and power and significance? No. I want to go to medical school because it's the way to help people using the maximum capacity of my grey matter. Do I really want to help people? Yeah.


What if I didn't go to medical school? I could do something else career wise (what, I don't know.). But what if gasp God didn't want me to have a career. "c'mon, God! I have to! At least for a litle bit. You ever heard of STUDENT LOANS?"
Yes, God knows about those. Of course He knows about those. Then what is He getting at?


He's getting at this: What was the most important thing that I absolutely won't budge on even if He was trying to take it away? I care about getting married and going to medical school, but obviously right now I care about going to medical school and having some sort of a career more. Are they mutually exclusive? No. But is one harder to give up to God if He were to take it away? Yeah. Even if He was replacing it with another desire of my heart. Yeah.


So what to do? I don't know. Pray? Sure. But seriously, I know this isn't something I'm going to wake up and know the answer to. But I'm grateful that God really got down there and was able to break through everything to see what still had a hold on my heart.