Good Good Father

Our choir playlists are posted to YouTube and shared with the choir FB page before we sing them on Wednesdays. As I clicked through the new songs, I saw this song now done by Chris Tomlin and I knew I was going to cry. Of course, I first listened to it on the bus, so I couldn’t start bawling then – ok, I could, but that would be weird. Inwardly, I thanked Matt, the guy who set up the playlist for previewing that song, because I grabbed a handful of kleenex for when actually sang that song that during choir practice.

It wasn’t until the next Wednesday when Dave Ramsey knocked me on my butt that I realized that my father wound still ran deep and God was using this song to continue my healing process.

Wait – Dave Ramsey? So… I was at work listening to the podcast and Dave was talking to the mom of an adopted 13 year old who wanted to go on his school trip and he didn’t work enough during the summer to pay for it. His mom was concerned because he was an international adoptee learning about the American monetary system and didn’t get it yet. Dave’s answer was this was a good opportunity to teach that child good money habits.

Hearing Dave’s heart for this kid and saying that if the thirteen year old boy was a Ramsey kid, this was how he’d would talk to him as his father. Out of nowhere, I started tearing up. I made it to the bathroom before closing the stall and crying. I didn’t want to cry really loudly in case my co-workers came in, but I was thinking, “Why did this podcast knock me on my butt and make me cry?” Hearing Dave saying that this kid needed a strong mother and father to show him the way touched my need for that same heart in a dad.

During that second choir practice singing Good Good Father I had my binder in front of my face even more than usual so Krissy didn’t see me bawling my eyes out. At some point, I couldn’t even sing and I felt God saying it was ok for me to cry, so I just cried.

I thought I was done with crying about not having an earthly dad. After all, I accepted Christ during my Freshman year of college back in 2002 and God really started showing me how He was like a dad after my sophomore year when He revealed that a crush I had on my professor was due to my need to find a father replacement.

My grandpa, Pa, had always been a father figure, but during my sophomore year, he started to develop dementia. I was loosing the only father like figure I knew, so I subconsciously looked for a replacement.

During that summer, I prayed to ask God to show me how He was my father. He was the one I could talk to when I couldn’t sleep, and He was the one who gave me a gift of riding on the side of a San Francisco cable car. My mom was afraid I’d fall off, but I felt God saying, “Daddy’s got you. Just enjoy the ride!” I was happy because Daddy put me on the cable car in a place where I could see everything.

He was my rock when Pa passed away and my mom was upset. He helped me get my mom and my aunt through it, even though I took a while longer to grieve because I stuffed my own feelings of sadness down so I could take care of them.

He gently nudged me to trust Him on my first date with Bri-Bri when I cried and sweet Bri-Bri wiped my tears.

When my uncle Steve walked me down the aisle I felt God’s presence at the wedding also and He provided what I needed for all the pieces to come together.

Even today, I watch how my Bri-Bri and Daniel play together and I smile knowing Daniel is lucky to have a dad. Even though he only spends the weekends and school breaks with his dad, he still has one. I guess I didn’t realize that I still had an ache in me until we started singing this song.

I cried during Good Good Father because I felt the pain again from not having a dad combined with the gratefulness of how God was filling that void. Pain and joy collided and it all resulted in my drawing closer to God for Him to wipe my tears and for me to give Him praise.

The Songs From the Summer of Ouch

Long time NO BLOG!!! Right???

Anyway, yesterday and today my huaband and I were listening to Jeremy Camp's "Stay" and "Carried Me" CD's in the car. 

Those were my "go to" CD's when my uncle was really sick one summer and I was trying to get over a hard core crush on a non-believer. Yeah long story. Summer of 2004 was the Summer of Ouch. My uncle was sick with terminal cancer and I was supporting my mom's grieving process and dealing with my own process. Also, God was addressing an area in my life where I was not trusting Him. You can probably see my posts related to this event within this blog. 

At any rate, listening to these songs again brought back memories of the pain, but they also made me aware of how much God grew my faith in that time. Listening to these songs was bittersweet because the pain twinged in my heart even as my heart praised God for giving me the sustaining grace to get through each day and showing me what it means to have joy that surpasses dark circumstances. 

God received glory in this moment as He does in every moment, but especially where His strength is displayed in our weakness and His joy shines through our sorrow. God healed me more because He once again revealed that He does not waste pain. 

That could've been me

Nothing like the past coming up in the oddest of ways.

My law firm handles estate planning (writing wills and trusts) as well as probate and trust administration (handling legal and financial issues of individuals who have passed away). My job touches both areas of law as well.

Today I had to send some documents along with a death certificate to a county clerk and recorder office. As I read over the death certificate to make sure everything matched with the other documents, I saw that the individual died from a gunshot wound. At home.

The individual may have inflicted the deadly wound upon himself. Of course, I don't know the situation for sure. He could've been doing some maintenance on a hunting rifle and something happened. But I got chills thinking about it for too long.

Because I could've ended it all even before I began this blog. Even before I graduated from college.

He left behind a family. A house. Sure, the family will be financially stable still with the house and his earnings, but he will never make a trip to Home Depot to get new curtain rods or an odd or end to fix something there. He will never see his kids graduate from high school. He will never tell his wife he loves her before they go to work. If he was out of a job, he would never get a call from possibly a position perfectly suited for his qualifications.

I felt sad that he might have given up. Because I know how that feels. Hence I was compelled to write the previous post for anyone that feels like giving up.

Because I wish I could've told that person named on the certificate that the feeling of wanting to give up on life is real and scary, and searching for hope in the midst of that is worth it. Because you realize what you would have left behind. And you know that there's a reason to live.

An open letter to hold to hope - no matter how small

  

To you who can't see the light in your dark: 

Don't leave. Please. Don't leave. 

For your family: who would always ask why. Because they will miss you. You're not a burden. Even if they're supporting you due to a lost job. Even if they left you due to a divorce. Someone still loves you - an aunt, a cousin, a niece or nephew. Even if they left this earth. Others will fill the pain you feel of missing them. 

For your friends: Even if you think they're too busy to talk to you - they are still thinking about you, praying about you, wishing you well. They want you to call and ask for help. They will do what they can - even if they're busy with life. 

For your future: You don't know what the next second will bring. Maybe your roommate will knock on the door to hang out. Maybe your children will knock on the basement door to play with you. The next morning might bring a beautiful sunrise. The next day might bring a job offer. 

For your Creator: He made your heart - an intricate pump that hasn't stopped beating from the time it was formed in utero. Who gives you grace to live each day with whatever disability you face. Who has felt physical pain and abandonment when He died on the Cross. For all of us. 

I almost gave up. Many times. I almost didn't graduate from high school. I almost didn't go to college. I almost didn't get my degree. I almost didn't live long enough to have a boyfriend that would propose to me. 

I felt pain. I felt tired of my disability. I felt tired of being a burden. I felt alone. I felt like no one would care if I was gone. I felt like if I ended it all, I would be free. 

That moment of utter helplessness and aloneness would've stolen countless sunrises, hikes in the mountains, hugs from friends, chances for me to help others, a chance to see God comfort me here on this earth. I know I will feel pain again. We all will. 

But we also can see hope - we must see hope. Even for a second, if you cling to hope for one second, you can hold on for another. Then a minute. Then for the rest of the night. Then your hope can be renewed as the sun comes up, as you see others who know you: friends, family, the barista at the Starbucks you go to, the same driver on the bus. 

You are wanted. By your Creator. He can give you hope. Don't be afraid to ask. He understands pain. Don't be afraid to cry. Call your friends or text. They will talk to you or think of you until they can connect with you again. 

Don't leave. Because when you find hope, you can one day extend it to those caught in the darkness. 

Cussing out the Proper Spiritual Authorities

Note: I usually don't post my raw thoughts, but I just had to let this one go because honestly, there is no cleaning up certain situations. Pain hurts and pain sucks, but even when I am pissed beyond acceptable language, I can still honestly see God, and that's why I'm sharing these thoughts with the blogsphere.

I AM SUPER F-ING PISSED RIGHT NOW! Like SERIOUSLY???? Ok, my aunt who has down syndrome and who has been at times like a big sister, at times like a younger close cousin to me, at times like my favorite client, just went to the doctor and was told she had a 6 inch mass in her abdomen. 
LIKE SERIOUSLY??? Who the hell thought, "Oh, let's give a lady with down syndrome a tumor RIGHT when she's about to move in with one of her best friends into a new apartment and when she's trying to help her mom who has osteoarthritis??" And also, WHAT THE F!! My family lost an uncle to cancer. and whoever it is, if you remember THAT WAS HER F-ING BROTHER WHO DIED FROM CANCER and SHE BETTER NOT BE NEXT!!!!!  F THIS CANCER AND F THIS SICKNESS AND F ALL THIS PAIN AND SOMEONE'S GONNA BURN IN HELL FOR A LONG F ING TIME FOR ALL THIS!!

Like, my anger is truly real, and I was totally cussing out - well someone - in my head. Like, I don't cuss much (even though some of my paralegal friends drop s and f bombs on a regular basis) but anger was my first reaction. 

Unfortunately, I first started cussing out God like, "Ok, I know You have a plan for this buddy, but WHAT THE F!?!?!" Honestly, this can be a valid mistake for people. Because when I found out that my uncle was sick in 2005, my grandpa had a stroke in 2006, and tonight that my aunt has a tumor, I wanted to find some supernatural power and kick it in the nuts and make it hurt for somehow being sovereign over all this earth and letting these things happen. Because IT HURTS. It's just a natural reaction to want to make someone pay for suffering. Even that thought: that people understand there's a true good and a true bad means that SOMEONE created these standards, therefore, there is SOMETHING out there. Of course, the God of the Bible has proved Himself through Creation and through the Word and through Christ. He's proven that yes. There is a good. God is good. He is good. And Satan rebelled bringing evil into the world. That is why there is suffering. Satan is the ultimate cause of all this pain: Everything from Cain killing Abel, Eve getting deceived, Adam not manning up and standing up for her, and all the divorce and child abuse and war and genocide and starvation and class warfare and selfishness and persecution of God's people and sickness and disabilities and cancer and - ALL THIS F ING PAIN IS CAUSED BY SATAN!  Nope not God. If we don't understand the Christian worldview and we believe God is a mix of good and bad instead of the perfect just and loving God that redeems His people from a fallen world, we WILL shake our fist at Him for suffering, because we just want a supernatural being to PAY for ALL THE SUFFERING EVER, especially when it touches us personally. 

Did I cuss Satan out in my head? Oh, yes I did. Yeah, I sure did. And I was thinking, "AND I AM SO F -ING GLAD, SATAN YOU ARE TRULY HONESTLY GONNA BURN AND ROT IN HELL FOR A LONG LONG LONG LONG TIME AND YOU WILL GET YOU ASS HANDED TO YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY BECAUSE YOU CAUSED SO MUCH PAIN AND SO MANY TEARS AND SO MUCH - AAAGH! YOU WILL F - ING BURN!!!!"

Then I realized, "God, I truly do thank You that we don't have to go around like, 'pain is really nothing la la la,' and brush it under the rug and put on so-called rose colored glasses, but we can fess up like, 'GOD THIS F ING SUCKS AND THIS IS ALL F ING SATAN'S FAULT!' because God is sick of this sht too. That's why He's going to judge the world. 

Then I was humbled thinking, "Oh crap. Obviously I've sinned too. Yeah, I deserve to burn, and apart from Christ, I'm just as screwed as the rest of the world." Then I was like, "Grace is seriously epic." Like that sentence doesn't even capture the epicness of God because God rescueing even 1 person from this crappy pisshole of a world that is just as defiled and covered in filth is mind blowing and He is rescuing THOUSANDS of people EVERY DAY and He is not going to stop until He gets people from EVERY SINGLE NATION IN THIS PAIN-FILLED WORLD. THAT is the reason no human being can EVER fathom that, and that is what the Apostle Paul writes over and over in his letters. 

If there was not a good sovereign God who has through Christ defeated Satan and defeated sin and death and sickness (including cancer and tumors), there would seriously be no hope at all. This is the light in this onslaught of pain and anger and crap, and this is the light and hope I hold onto so I can trust God and be real with Him and connect with Him through all this. 

One of America's Worst Days looking back

 

 

NYC skyline at night - Google Images

Today is the 11th anniversary of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. I was walking down the hallway at John F. Kennedy High School in Denver, CO when I heard kids talking about how a plane hit the World Trade Center in New York City. I thought it was a small commuter plane and I wondered why it went off course. I told my friends, "Well, you know, a commuter plane is small, so it might not damage the building, but why would it fly so close to the skyline?" They just told me to look in one of the classrooms that had a TV on to the news. I looked and saw dark black smoke billowing out of one of the towers. 

First Period AP American History started and we sat there and watched the news. We learned that two planes hit the towers, another hit the Pentagon, then another plane went down in Pennsylvania en route to somewhere in Washington, DC. We realized this was an attack. Just as first hour ended, the towers of the World Trade Center collapsed. I saw just billowing smoke mixed with the ash of the buildings collapse into the streets. I was worried that so many other people were now hurt by the debris that had spread into the street. 

That started several months of what I'm pretty sure was secondary PTSD. That was no fun. The newsreels kept on playing in my head when I went to sleep and I couldn't get the images out of my head. I would have nightmares about it. I may have also developed a fixation around the World Trade Center as a way of processing all of it on my own. Because I did have to process all of that on my own. Sometimes I'd get scared to go to Downtown Denver because I would be fearful of an attack there. This lasted the rest of the school year. Before my honors Chemistry class, I liked to get there early and crawl into a little space under the lab counters because it was a nice safe space in case something happened. My country wasn't safe, my home wasn't safe when the news was on because they would show newsclips of the attacks which would start flashbacks, and sleeping sometimes wasn't safe because I would dream about it. 

 What did I learn from it? Well, first, that I took for granted this country. As someone adopted from a third world country, I knew living in this country was a gift. I thought living here provided some immunity from the "horrible current events 'over there'"
 I also learned how to handle a situation completely differently than Mom and find my own way to deal with it. Mom responded with anger and hate toward Al Queda. By God's grace, I responded with asking God to help me with my sadness and fear. I turned to God instead of just hating what happened. 

I learned that with God's help, and with adequate emotional support, things I saw on the news that made me sad didn't have the power to make me spiral into fear. When I came to CSU, I visited the Counseling Center around the anniversary of the attacks and they gave me tools to help me deal with it and then helped me learn how to deal with my emotions better. I think this event is the last one that I have unhealthily interanlized, that is: had it hit me so hard it was like I was there, even though I wasn't actually there. I learned how to have a healthy emotional distance between myself and what I saw on the news. To empathize without letting the dark world crush me. 

If I had told myself on September 12, 2001 that on September 11, 2012 I would cheerfully tell my mom who I love very much to have a great vacation as she left on an airplane knowing that day was the anniversary of the attacks, I would say, "How will I be able to do that without being sad and having flashbacks and stuff?" My present day self would say: It will be a long road, but by God's grace, I promise you, He will get you there." The way God can help me heal from handling a very intense national crisis with limited emotional resources has taught me this: God's healing power is amazing and stronger than anything the world tries to destroy.

When I can't hold back the tears

I had another turning into a giant teardrop at the Firehouse prayer meeting last Sunday when I brought up the little Summitview girl I know named Esther who has cancer.  Tonight I almost started crying in a restaurant when I remembered eating dinner with the family and I think Esther sat with my friends and I. She was a cutie eating her dinner with hands like a typical 12 month old. She would smile at us and my friends and I replied with an uber girly "Aaaaaw!!!" 


She was also at my friend's bridal shower. She and her twin sister Zinnia were talking about how they ate their cup-cakes "all gone." They were dressed like princesses and looked so ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!! 


I wondered, "Why are you such a giant tear drop?" Several years ago, my uncle had cancer, and I cried about it for obvious reasons. Esther is not my second cousin or related to me in any way. Yet, her mom is in my close circle of friends, and I have taught her sisters in Sunday School. So it makes logical sense that I would be close to her. 


There are times when I can think about Esther's situation completely logically and in a distant clinical way. Yet when her cute little face pops up into my memory, I begin crying. For my ASD brain, that's a little weird and unpredictable, because for me, my emotions have to have a rational basis for me to make sense of them. But I remind myself that tears mean that Esther has worked her way into my heart. More accurately, God has allowed me to care about her more than I think I even realize when I just sit and think about it. 


So what do I do when I become a giant teardrop? I just remind myself that even though it sometimes happens at odd intervals, the tears a reminder that God has allowed me to love little Esther and her family. The tears are also a reminder to go to God who is the comforter of my soul. 

Moving is a Loss Event

I'M MOVING TO DENVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Right. I think I said that on this blog already, but yeah.
I had my last day of work today. GAAH! No more MOOLAH!!!! Well... that's not entirely true. I still have 2 paychecks pending :D But still....


More than the lack of moolah, it was hard to say goodbye to the friends I made there, especially my 'little bro' (see my post on that). We exchanged emails though. :) So that's good!


But that's another place in Fort Collins I have to say goodbye to.
Here's a list of places Katie will miss in Fort Collins:


1. Summitview's building (implied of course that I will miss my SUMMITVIEW PEEPS - will get to that later in this post).
2. Campus
3. Campus Transit Center
4. Downtown Transit Center
5. Old Town
5a. Starry Night Cafe
5b. Unique Thrift Store
5c. Old-Town Old C's.
5d. The little fountains right by the little art museum.
5e. The Cupboard
5f. The "plaza" area by Coopersmiths / Ben and Jerry's.
6. Whole Foods on Drake and College (because Lesley and I have had many girl dates there).
7. Council Tree Library and shopping area
8. Rolland Moore Park
9. Inspiration Playground
9a. "Shout to Creation" spot just west of Inspiration Playground (taking the dirt path up there).
10. THE QUAD
11. ARC and Once Again Thrift because a) my clients went to ARC a few times and b) Kristina and I have had adventures at both places.
12. Cinemark Movie Theatre (because I had many Abra dates there and other girl dates there).
13. Lamar's Doughnuts (yummy doughnuts!)
14. Cups (coffee shop)
15. Mugs (coffee shop)
16. King Soopers on Taft and Elizabeth - shopped there since - dang. 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O


I'm sure I'll think of more places, but that's a good start.


I'll miss these places because of the memories attached to them. When I walk around CSU or when I walk around Old Town, I have memories there. It's cliche, but those places really do become a part of me. I remember sharing in Old Town with The Rock and passing out hot chocolate. I also remember hanging out at Starry Night with girls from Summitview and I remember the Symbio Valentine's Day singles get-together at Coopersmiths among other things. And CSU has - well 6 years of memories there... Especially Newsom Hall! Oooooooooooh, Newsom Hall.... And Narnia - the gardens south of Newsom Hall where CSU will at some point build a STADIUM.... erm - but that's for another post :P


I'll miss my Summitview peeps and my Quad ladies and my CSU friends because - well - yeah. THEY'RE MY PEOPLE and I've gotten close to them and we've laughed and cried and stuff together, and well - it's hard to say goodbye to people I've gotten close to. That's why moving is a loss event. Because I won't be as physically close to my people as I am now.


It's nice to let myself cry, even though I feel sad. Why is it nice to feel sad? Because if I keep my sad emotions bottled up and don't release them and let my brain process why I am feeling the way I am, it just explodes. And if I feel sad in increments, I say goodbye little by little instead of all at once.


I also am planning on taking pictures of Fort Collins :) That way I'll have ait with me in tangible reminders in those pictures :) :)


Moving is a loss event, but it doesn't have to be crushing. I have ways to cope, and above all, I have God to go to when I am sad, and I know it is His will that I move to Denver, so that makes me feel better :)

Two hands

So we're wrapping up the upper limb in Gross Anatomy.  Today we discussed the hands and how the small intrinsic muscles move our fingers to allow for fine motor movement such as holding a pencil or picking up a coin.  

While we've been discussing the forearm and hand, I've become more aware of the slight numbness on the 4th and 5th digits on my left hand. I’m pretty sure it's due to a superficial cut slightly distal (below) my medial epicondyle of my humerus which is the inner part of my elbow.  That cut happened in the fall of 2007. Even if the faint scar wasn't there I could still place the cut because that fall of 2007, I made that cut among many on my upper and lower left limbs.   

Studying the hands made me think of the song "Two Hands" by Jars of Clay. I realized that for a good part of one year, I was using one hand to praise/ serve God, and another hand to literally destroy His creation - of my own limbs. Studying the hands also made me realize I am lucky to still have use of my left hand. The ulnar nerve is rather superficial and I could have easily damaged it during that time which would render my fingers useless. 


More importantly, studying the hands made me think of God's restoration and healing. The scars along some of the superficial vessels have faded greatly and I no longer self-injure. In fact, I realized that I have used my hands to help my clients at a group home avoid self-injury. This is really cool to think about - that I have come this far, and God has redeemed that experience so I can help others. 


The residual tingling in my fingers that I feel sometimes is a reminder of all that, but when I am able to use BOTH my hands to serve others and praise God, I have a much more powerful reminder of God's healing. 


I use one hand to pull You closer 
The other to push You away 
 
If I had two hands
Doing the same thing 
Lifted high 
Lifted high 

-  Jars of Clay

 

A Basement Recovery Room versus Crow's Nest

Two years ago I graduated from Colorado State University's Human Development and Family Studies Master's program. Graduation is usually a time of great celebration and pride. Here I am outside the Alumni Center. They had an old graduation robe that seniors could put on to get their pictures taken by Cam the Ram. Of course I had to go for it :) 

I enjoyed sitting by my friends during graduation. One of them was joking that he looked like one of the kids out of Harry Potter in his robes. Of course we laughed. 

Behind the smile I had, there was a lot of pain. My mom was worried about job prospects for me and she also noticed I had spent more time cranking out pages for my thesis rather than cranking out sweat on the treadmill. I remember walking up to my friend in Moby Arena with tears in my eyes saying, "You know how your thesis was on body image and self-concept? Well, My self-concept just got shot down." My friend understood and gave me a giant hug before we all lined up together. 

After graduation, my mom had a bit of a meltdown in my apartment over my job prospects. She didn't like the idea of me staying in Fort Collins post graduation and going to El Paso on a summer mission trip. 

While other kids were celebrating with their parents over dinner, I tearfully went to the first safe place I thought of: Newsom Hall my old undergrad stomping grounds. One of my friends was still in the process of moving out. His father graciously let me sit on the empty bed and cry as they moved their belongings out. They both prayed for me and were very nice and didn't probe much. 

After they were checked out, my friend invited me to watch a movie with the rest of the Reynolds Team. I came to The Quad and sat in the basement watching the movie. I just didn't want to be alone. I was trying not to cry, but I was anyway. I did enjoy the movie, but sometimes I would cry thinking about my mom's worries or just that graduation night wasn't the happy moment I thought it would be. 

In contrast, Temple Grandin (played by Claire Danes) is portrayed in her movie as going up to the Crow's Nest on her graduation day. She has a smile as she's stepping up the ladder and opens the door as a symbol of her confidence that she could successfully go on to college. Her mother is cheering her on during this moment in her life. In her book The Way I see it, Dr. Grandin says that praise from parents and teachers for tangible major accomplishments like graduations or completing large assignments or projects helps boost the self-esteem of children on the autism spectrum. 

Looking back on that day two years ago, I faced great fear of uncertainty rather than high expectations on my graduation day. Instead of climbing up to some sort of "crow's nest", I was in a basement after a good long cry. According to her movie and her books, it seems like Dr. Grandin knew she had talent to offer to the world and was ready to go on to the next step with the support of her mother and Mr. Carlock her teacher. I wonder if Dr. Grandin draws on this love and support she initially felt whenever she speaks at current graduations or remembers her own. 

    Yet though my own memories of graduation bring back a degree of sadness and fear, I can still draw on the love and support of my discipleship team. Knowing they were there for me that night in the basement of the Quad to support me gave me a glimmer of courage amidst my anxiety and sadness to trust God with the next chapter of my life. 

Escape and Connection through Music

One of my Pandora stations is Journey. Yes I'm old -  27 years old - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! =O I'm getting old!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway... listening to these really back-in-the-day (Ok, 80's and 90's) songs reminds me of listening to the radio as a kid when Mom and I were in the car or when I got my radio in 6th grade and I would spend hours in my room listening to music. 


Music was my escape from life. Life as a visually-impaired kid who was also on the autism spectrum and not diagnosed was difficult. Not impossibly traumatic, but not easy either. I could get lost in the music pretty easily, zone out, and be in my own world. When my favorite songs came on the radio, I would try and memorize the words. Often times, I would day-dream as I listened to the music. Sometimes my day-dreams would reflect the content of the lyrics, other times the music would be a nice back-ground soundtrack to whatever I was thinking about. 


I'd say later I would use music to connect with my own feelings and to help myself shape a notion of God at around 8th grade. This is normal as teens get more into abstract thinking and meta-cognition, meaning thinking about how they think/feel. This is why some songs are clearly 'teenage-angst' songs :D Songs that would put into words what I felt helped me in 'structuring' my metacognition and processing about life. This processing was something that I had to do a lot of times on my own just because not many people understood the way I thought. 


Music became really therapeutic during the 1999 shooting at Columbine High School and later the terrorist attacks in 2001 on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. During these incidents, I was often left to process my emotions by myself, or I would process them in the process of helping another person process her emotions. I also watched the news with Mom as her source of emotional support. Unfortunately, the images from both events ended up getting cemented in my head. According to Animals in Translation by Dr. Grandin images stick more strongly with people on the autism spectrum because some of us can't verbally repress and work through the images as quickly as others.  She mentions she can't watch violent stuff or else it stays in
her brain & she can't shut it off. That was me exactly. Since I didn't have the words, I depended on the music I listened to for the words. Even now, there are some songs I associate with those events. After the September 11 attacks, the song Shimmer by Shawn Mullins and Overcome by Live really helped me put into words how I felt. I would listen to Shawn Mullin's Soul's Core on repeat, sometimes some of the same songs over and over again as I rode the bus to school. I also listened to Lifehouse's Everything and Breathing on repeat in my discman. Before the other kids boarded the bus, I had that time to cry. 


During Shimmer, Everything, and Breathing I began praying, or listening to those songs as a prayer to God to tell Him how I was feeling and that I wanted the world to be right again. Music was my escape and my way of processing, but it was beginning to be my way of connecting to God. I had a basic understanding that God was somehow in control (didn't realize He was Creator... yet), that He sent His Son Jesus to the earth, and that He had set out standards of right and wrong for us to follow. 


God knew that music was how I escaped my world when it got too hard and how I processed things when I had no one else to turn to. This is why I was able to connect to Him even in the "loud blasted-out" environment of Summitview's college group The Rock my second week at CSU. I could sense somehow that these students were singing to Someone real, and the words were really powerful. The band did a cover of the song Flood by Jars of Clay. During that song, I acknowledged that the secondary PTSD from the September 11 attacks and my feelings around my transition to college were overwhelming me. I began crying. Connecting to God would save me from the flood of my emotions. I prayed for Him to become real to me to help me. 


Instead of it being a numbing agent, I use music to connect to God. It's not my only means of connection, but it's a large part.  When I realize that a song embodies a theological concept that was trying to grasp, and I have that 'aha' moment, I get really excited! For example, I really like the song Our God because it embodies the concept of a sovereign Creator who is involved in His creation and will be victorious over all the pain and sorrow. When I connect to God through music, I am not just singing to the air, I'm singing to a real person, and I'm not listening to wishful thinking. I'm listening to Truth. 

An eternal perspective on the earthquake in Japan

Our Summitview pastor Mitch has done a really great job of posting summary, Biblical response, and resources for us to help the people of Japan in his blog. He is a much better writer than I as well :) 


Anyway, once again, God taught me things that I at first thought were random but then realized were actually connected. I realize I'm a pattern thinker - not necessarily a visual pattern thinker the way Dr. Grandin sometimes implies when she shows a complicated Oragami folding pattern when she talks about pattern thinking. I get more conceptual maps - anyway... when I think about the earthquake in Japan on a personal or global level, I must have an eternal perspective. 


For two days I wondered how one of my HDFS friends who was from Japan was doing. We worked on a end of semester project together. Unlike two other girls I know from Japan, she had not posted anything on her Facebook page about the earthquake. Also, people had written on her wall and she had not responded. I started to get worried. I didn't want to think about the worst happening, but I knew I had to at some point. It was easier for me to imagine her doing double-overtime at a hospital as a child-life specialist or being stuck at home with no internet or TV than it was to imagine her stuck under rubble or stuck out at sea or something worse. I wrote her an email and asked friends if they had heard from her. 


This afternoon, I finally had to settle with the reality that she might have been gone. That hurt. A lot. I felt a crushing feeling in my heart and in my head. I had memories in my head of us working on that paper together and sitting in class together. I also had memories of her graduation. I had to contend with how I would cope if she was indeed gone forever. The first thing that came to my head was the complicated grief literature. There are different issues and more of a chance of unresolved or complicated grief that come with family or friends who cope with a missing person. I was trying to remember where I put my grief / loss textbook so I could look that information up. Then I felt God prodding around in my intellectual corner of my brain. "Katie, you need more than that textbook." I knew God wanted me to come to Him with my feelings and with my fears of, "God, how will I handle it if my friend was lost in the earthquake?" Tears came to my eyes. I could call Summitview and see if one of the pastors is around. But first God wanted to hear it from me. God, I know You have been good to my friend - bringing her to the US and letting her get her degree here. I know You have given her every chance to know You. You are glorified in her life no matter what, and I know You will help me deal with things if she's not here. God, I need Your help to deal with any grief issues. 


As I had that settled in my head and wondered what was going to happen, I got an email from our mutual friend: SHE'S OK! SHE WORKS IN THE SOUTH PART OF THE COUNTRY! She just doesn't have electricity with the craziness that's going on. I was most DEFINITELY  RELIEVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) I could've asked God why He couldn't have allowed me to know that SOONER, but I think He wanted me to go through that whole process of trusting Him and believing He is good even while preparing for potentially bad news. He wanted me to keep an eternal perspective - an eternal hope for me to hold onto in case I had a physically real loss. 


Later tonight, my roommate shared that her friend had posted Luke 21:10 - 11 with a note that the World Trade Center / Pentagon attacks were on September 11, the Haiti earthquake was on January 11, and this latest earthquake in Japan was March 11. Odd and definitely getting into the realm of it being less probable that it was random, but I'm guessing there's still some wiggle room for randomness. Yet even here I go imagining plugging data into SPSS and somehow generating a printout that shows, "Well, it's ALMOST p>.05 that this came out that way, but you know, you can't reject the null hypothesis of randomness completely." I'd like that, though. I'd like somehow a nice little statistical table showing whether these things truly are 'chance' or whether God is deliberately creating a pattern or not. 


Well, why do I get unsettled when I ponder if God IS setting all this up and when I think about "What if the end times ARE coming soon?" Part of it is a carry-over from my childhood where I was terrified of God coming back because I wasn't ready for heaven because I didn't know Jesus. Another part of it is that it shatters my notion of life as I know it. There's a comfort in a waking up and going to work / church / activities and even a comfort in dealing with 'normal' daily hassles. It's just part of life. Yes, the end - the FINAL end of the world would mean no more sickness/disease/death/suffering/hardship and mean an eternal party with Jesus, but unfortunately we have to go through super hard probably unpredictable stuff here first. 


Ok so... what if the earthquake in Japan is a sign that God is up to something? How should I pray? Well, first of all, I should pray for the nations so that more people know Jesus :) He's invited TONS of people from EVERY NATION to His eternal party so, might as well tell people :) Second of all, I should pray that believers' faith is strengthened. This is something I've been praying for people in Japan - that they have an understanding of God as their secure anchor even though the earth literally gave way. Wow, that will be an intense testimony from those people!!!! Second of all, I should pray that myself and others maintain the eternal perspective of  'possible pending doom aka end of the world chaos' that God is good, He is in control, and He has our best as Believers and He has given others who don't know Him yet every opportunity to come to know Him. This eternal perspective can be my anchor through potentially huge nation/societal shifts just like it would've been my anchor had I found out bad news about my friend. 


Having God as an anchor to all of our souls can get us through physical earthquakes, potential personal losses, and larger upheavals in life. It is definitely a relief and I have seen it slowly replace fear I have had with a sure hope. I pray that many people in Japan and around the world come to this same hope in Christ as well! 

6 months since my life changed forever: Goodbye to the notion of normal

To continue the series of the 6 months since my life changed forever (and yes, I know it's been more than 6 months exactly), one thing that I realized today is that I had to say goodbye to the notion of normal. There was definitely an intial grief process because it was the loss of my perceived identity as a typical 26 year-old Christian female who was pursuing her career post-masters degree. When I was told that I might possibly have Asperger's Syndrome, I was faced with the prospect of identifing as a member of the individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders community that I had always viewed from the outside as a student or reseacher looking in. Yes, I had read articles about ASD and knew some of the descriptors sounded eerily familiar, but I had thought, "And here I am, having basically overcame some of these difficulties reading these articles as a future interventionist." Suddenly I was going back over textbooks and articles reading them thinking, "This might be me. I always wondered, but this might be me. These descriptors may be immovable for my life."


My friends told me that there would definitely be positives about pursuing a diagnosis such as receiving services to help me and finally understanding how God had made me. But my mind was reeling when they told me Aspergers Syndrome. I told them, "Imagine if someone told you, 'You might have cancer.' Well, you guys are basically telling me, 'You have cancer. Of your development.'" I wasn't mad at them. I was just scared that there was a sledgehammer about to come down and absolutely shatter all my previous notions of who I thought I was.


Well, figuratively speaking, the hammer did come down. It fell in a bit of a different place than I expeccted with the diagnosis of PPD-NOS. But still, though I knew my identity in Christ was unshaken, my identity of 'a typical girl with a bit of an eye problem' was shattered. My identity as another interventionist in the HDFS field was shattered. I was not a typical post-graduate. I was not a typical person in my field. I didn't know what the future held for me with my new diagnosis. I didn't know how to think about myself. Yes, I knew that God had a purpose for me and that He loved me regardless, I just didn't know where to go from there. That's why I clung so tightly to Dr. Grandin's story in the beginning. I had to see how God directed her life so I could trust Him to direct mine.


After many tears and pondering my life, I am ok with not being normal. No, I don't want God to make the rest of my life a carbon-copy of Dr. Grandin's life :-D I'm NOT THAT CRAZY HAHA!!!!!!!!! But I don't hold the expectations of a 'normal life' over myself and hence get mad at myself when I don't meet them. For instance, I can feel more comfortable in the group-home with the clients than in a staff meeting. Previously, I'd chide myself for that, but now I just say, "Meh, that's how the way God made me." Of course, I've learned some coping strategies and learned how to speak up at staff meetings so I can contribute in a good way.


One major step I took last sweek was making an appointment with the Departmet of Vocational Rehabilitation. Definitely not normal. But I figure, if they can help me learn interview skills and different ways to help me cope at my current and future jobs, than that works for me. I avoided getting disability services for my eyes in undergrad because I had intense shame at admitting any weakness. Anything that would make me stand out from the norm, I avoided.


Yet as God removed the shame of me being different, I felt more free to access these resources. I had to believe that God loves me even in my weakness; that He does not grieve that I am not 'his perfect little child' because I am not apart from Christ. He looks at me - flaws an all - and because He sees Christ in me - He loves me. Not for my abilities or goodness, but because of Christ. As I let go of this notion of trying to be normal, I embraced this truth, and this has made a ton of difference.

6 months since my life changed forever: Work and what I want to do when I grow up

First of all: 
OH MY GOODNESS THE BLOG LOOKS DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just thought I'd say that since I know that's what people will think if they are used to the old format. Well, I added the followers gadget and a search the blog gadget & apparently Blogspot has had updated templates for a while. Well, new year, new DECADE - new blog layout? 


Now onto the intended content: 


I thought I'd go a bit more in depth about how realizing I have an ASD has changed my life in several different areas just because it's nice for me to see and because it just shows how much I had to re-think my identity, but also how having an underlying trust in God in all these areas made this shift so much easier.


I went into HDFS because as a pediatrician, it would be nice to know about child development. I wanted to be a pediatrician so I could eventually work with and treat kids who were adopted that had attachment and/or development and/or sensory integration issues. Contrary to popular belief, I didn't chose HDFS because cute kids automatically made me eeek. In fact, my mom has a picture of me holding my second cousin with this look on my face like, "Oh dear God, help me hold this kid because I don't want to drop her and I'm not used to being around kids!!" 


I had to grow into working well with kids. I had to grow into working well with people too. In retrospect, if I was in Temple Grandin's words, "an anthropologist from Mars" when it came to figuring out people and social situations, studying HDFS made it a bit easier. 


Why do I start out with this? Because I was always bothered by the fact  that the book-learning about development didn't necessarily translate into being able to handle interactions. For example: most people felt at home in the early-childhood classroom at the lab school at CSU and would feel at home in the Summitview nursery when they volunteered. For me, I could talk nicely to the kids and do basic stuff like remembering to get down at eye-level and explain things so they could understand, but I always felt like I was going at it firstly from an intellectual rather than an emotional standpoint. God gets infinite points (well, first because He's GOD) for helping me open my emotions to these kids that He allowed me to help. I think one of the reasons it was hard for me to open my emotions up was because if I felt the attachment a caregiver feels for his or her child, I would begin to miss the attachment I needed to feel growing up. In fact, I felt a sense of sadness when we discussed optimal parent-child interactions in class because I knew it wasn't like that for me growing up. 


Anyway, as I got further into working in HDFS, I realized that a lot of people assume that people with an HDFS degree are naturally good at helping people and don't expect a person who does attachment work to put her foot in her mouth while at her internship. Well, during my summer internship in grad school, I ended up with foot-in-mouth syndrome a few times. Thankfully, God gave me grace & my supervisor understanding :) But still, I think that was a shock to both of us. Even in other things like doing research, I had some difficulties actually interacting with the team. That was always weird to me. Also, I could observe parent-child interactions, but it took me a bit longer to pick up on cues. My advisor always seemed to point out little things I missed, and it took a lot out of me to observe that keenly. 


Finding out I had an ASD made all of that make sense!!!! FINALLY! Yes, I can still teach kids on a limited basis, yes I can still do research, yes I can still work with a team, but it is more challenging than it would be for most people in the HDFS world. They only have to study interactions for research purposes. I have to study interactions all the time just to avoid foot-in-mouth syndrome or other things. Unfortunately, this means that some jobs in my field might not be good for me. I thought about maybe going back and getting a Marriage and Family Therapy degree, but I know that reading client's feelings closely as well as analytically figuring out their problems would be a lot for me. Also, I don't think I could work in a child-care setting 40 hours a week. I enjoy doing Sunday school and babysitting for special-events at Summitview, but there is usually a 1 adult to every 3-5 kids, and in a child-care setting the ratios are much higher. I know I'd get overwhelmed if I had to manage a classroom with a 1:6 or above ratio because that's what the ratio was at the Early Childhood Center, and I was exhausted after a Friday afternoon of being there for my practicum. 


So, what can I do? Well, I've decided to do some volunteer grant-writing to see how that goes. I enjoy research, and recently, I wrote an article for the Examiner, with more to come :) I'm pondering the idea of having a developmental services company that specializes in grant-writing, curriculum development for interventions, and more what I call 'techie' aspects of Human Development and Family Studies work. If things start rolling along smoothly, I might go back and pick up a PhD to gain more research and expertise. Hm... yes, this sounds a bit like what a certain professor did, but different field very different field, folks!!!!!!!!  


This is definitely not what I was expecting to do with my degree, and knowing that I'll be in the human services world, but not in the way people usually are took a lot of shifting in my thinking. I panicked a bit and thought, "Oh no, did I go into the WRONG FIELD!?" No.


If I believe in a God who is sovereign and who opened the doors to me being in HDFS, this is not a mistake. I thought being premed was a mistake when I didn't do so hot on the MCAT, but God came though and provided that job in the hospital that allowed me to use my knowledge. I'm still using some of that knowledge in my current work as a direct care provider at a group home. God taught me about trusting Him for a career in general when I graduated, and it is this groundwork of trust that is helping me trust Him with whatever unique role He has for me in the HDFS field given both my strengths and my limitations.

Perservate / Perservation as well as Israel's history and Temple Grandin

Random title from the randomness of my mind


Perseveration: Uncontrollable repetition of a particular response, such as a word, phrase, or gesture, despite the absence or cessation of a stimulus, usually caused by brain injury or other organic disorder.(cited within an ASD forum 2010)




Yup. I'm currently doing that. As you can probably tell from looking at my posts, I cycle through topics. They do link rather well to circumstances I'm facing at the time, so this whole blog is an interesting look at the history of my life. I guess that's what personal blogs are for. Anyway, my latest fixation or object of my perservating is Temple Grandin. I watched the movie trailer of the HBO movie that bears her name several times tonight. I've also watched some of her speeches and interviews over the last few weeks for educational purposes. I've thumbed through the Animals Make us Human book and read her book Emergence: Labeled Autistic. There's something about someone else walking down the path of a certain disability that gives me hope. Looking back, I was fixated on Helen Keller for the longest time. Other fixations would override that, but I would always gravitate to the movie The Miracle Worker and had parts of it burnt into my brain.




With this fixation, I'm letting God into the crazy world of Katie's brain. I haven't done that before. Some of my fixations have resulted from my need to escape the reality I was living in. The Helen Keller fixation partially arose because I would dream about running away to my favorite teacher (of that year)'s house or at least getting more one on one time with her if I couldn't handle being at home. God has revealed to me that this latest fixation results from these things: I wanted her mother who still spoke of her lovingly in spite of her behaviors & autism. I sympathized with Temple with living in the dark-ages of development (For me, they hadn't figured out some of the sensory deprivation issues kids face coming out of orphanages. For her, it was the unknown of what caused and how to treat autism.), and I long for a future where God will use my weaknesses and shine through them. I know it's promised in the Bible, but I need a tangible example: someone I can see and read about that has gone before me. The downsides of this fixation is that I can compare my life too much to Temple's life. I can think of her as the ultimate authority on autism and what to do with related issues rather than seek God.


Tonight I read the story of Joseph's journey to Egypt that ultimately preserved the nation of Israel during the famine. I was reminded that God's people look at examples of the faith. In the psalms, God is often the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob or any variant of that title. The history of Israel is repeated over and over in the Bible. When the Israelites put their hope in history alone, battles were lost, eventually they took God for granted and got punished for not following Him. However, when David was in a bind, he repeated Israel's history over and over in his head and in the psalms to remind himself of who was behind it. That's what I must do when Temple's story gets repeated over and over in my head. I must not cling to her or to her story too tightly. If my life doesn't follow her script, it will let me down. But if I cling to God who has given her and I life and use this opportunity to pray for her to come to know Christ as her His salvation and His hope, He will not disappoint. He will walk me down the path of my own story, He will show Himself as Savior to her, and both of our lives will be a reflection of His power.

Why the Sick Need the Great Physician

I haven't written in this blog since I have been busy in El Paso doing service projects, working, and sharing the Gospel for Christ.

Recently, one of our HDFS professors has fallen very ill. She is recovering, albeit slowly. Her family and friends in and out of the HDFS department have organized a website to record her progress and for her to read well-wishes people have sent to her once she is awake enough to stare at a computer monitor for decent amounts of time.

Most of the well-wishes were very characteristic of the HDFS department - wishing for general goodness to come her way, "Sending loving thoughts and healing energy / karma / positive feelings" your way. Those sentiments are not bad, and they can generally be encouraging.

However, they are not enough. One's thoughts cannot traverse time and space, they are confined to the cognitive pathways and neural circuits in our brains. The only Person who's words traversed space and time to create the darkness, light, and every living organism to the streptococcus bacterium, the amoeba, the diatom and to the enormity of galaxies is Yaweh, by His Son Jesus Christ and the Spirit of Life, the Holy Spirit.

This is what is missing from the guest book. From my friend's thoughts, and that is vexing me almost as much as the fact that my professor could still not make it out. The fact that God may allow this for this department to seek Him to find Him - the source of Truth, the source of all Good that He can truly give across space and time.

I plead with you, HDFS students, faculty, staff, in CSU, in VTech (where this professor got her degrees), and friends / family that know her: You need to pray to God. I plead for you to to acknowledge the supremacy of Christ - not just 'feel good' thoughts. I plead for you to understand that the God of this Universe is holding our professor in His sovereign hands that were pierced on Calvary for her and all of us. I pray earnestly that you understand that you need to encourage our professor with Truth from His lips, His Word, His healing Word. That is what is true hope. Not vauge notions of thoughts floating through space and time, of good karma, or positive energy, but the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord who has made her and us lovingly, atom by atom, DNA strand by DNA strand.

I pray this so that you will turn to Christ and accept His salvation and truly worship Him whether He heals this professor or takes her from this world, and I do earnestly pray, with tears at times, that He will preserve her life, lead her to the Cross, so at the end of her life, she may join worshippers - from our ranks and from every nation tribe and tounge to worship our true Lord in Spirit and Truth.

Modern Heros in the Faith

Cindy Winters, in my mind is one of the modern heroes in faith. She exemplifies 2 Corinthians 1:2-4 really well. And I mean really well. Today on national television, she was open about how her faith in Christ was her anchor - Christ was her anchor, and He is the savior of all men, including the one that killed her husband at their church in Illinois several weeks ago.

I watched her interview on TV and of course, in true Katie fashion, cried. But in a good way :) Because, though this is tremendously hard, I see Christ's glory manifested in this. Mom and I were talking on Friday and a theological discussion came up almost right before we hit I-25 and Prospect road. Our discussion centered on the problem of evil and God's sovereignty. This is yet another case study. Did God plan this shooting? I don't know about plan as if He orchestrated it as we plan our day, or as He planned for Abraham to come out of the desert to the promised land. Did He allow it? Yes. He is sovereign over all things (Colossians 1). Why would a loving God allow one of His children to be killed and leave a wife and children behind? To manifest His glory, and to conform those He called to His likeness (Romans 8:28). How is His glory manifested? Through their faith refined through this process, and for them to proclaim His name and in Christ there is comfort so that others may come to know Him.

Wow. Heidelberg Catechism Q & A style. But, when I realized all of this, I cried. For the sadness that these people will have to face, but yet because I could so clearly see God's hand bringing out His glory through tears.

My own application: So, when hard times come like a stressful day to urgent things like job uncertainty to very hard times such as loosing a dream or loosing someone I love, I can be comforted. God is my anchor, God will reveal His glory, God is my comfort, and He has allowed these things to pass so He can show Himself more to me and to the world.

One day, I will stand with Cindy Winter, Corrie Ten Boom, Elisabeth Elliot, Amy Carmichael, several of my closest sisters, and countless other saints that had to deal with ridiculously hard stuff and we will sing this song (along with many others):

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and Righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus' name

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil

His hope His covenant His blood
Supports me in the whelming flood
When all around my soul gives way
He then is all my hope & stay

When He shall come with trumpet sound
Oh may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless to stand before the throne

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
On Chris the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand

Solid Rock - traditional hymn

PS: After the song, I want to grab Cindy's hands, spin around, and go 'EEEEEEEEEEEEEK' because she and I both know that Christ caused fruit to be borne through her interview. Hehe, she might even 'eeek' too!!!

PSS: I realize that her kids may be AMAZINGLY STRONG in their faith because they have their mother as an example of how to be strong in some very very trying times. They will truly understand what it means to grow up with true security in Christ. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Childhood Obesssion

So, of course I had to post a blog about the Octuplets. There is more of an analysis of her story here. Something that struck me was that she wanted to have a large family to show these children love and support that she never had. Her mother had said that she had an obsession with children and wanting to care for many children.

That struck me, because, in a way, I am the same. Instead of taking in 14 children as my own, I have cared for many in the nursery, Sunday school, and various other church programs. I also really enjoyed my time at the Early Childhood Center at CSU. Part of the reason I am involved in working with children is to give them the love and care that I didn't have for the 1st two years of my life in an orphanage. For example, when I feed a baby (even when he spits up all over me!) I am grateful he gets this attention, because I know myself, and many other children from institutions were fed from bottles propped up on blankets, instead of being held.

Yet, this mother and I differ on one very important way. I ran to God and washed myself in His Word for healing. I turned to Him as my Husband. And I know that the children in my care are truly His. It is for His kingdom that I work and tell these children about Him. I am not firstly there for my needs, though my background influenced me to work with children. I am there because all children - all people need God as a Savior. I come to these children "in my brokenness complete" (Starfield - Unashamed). These children do not complete my brokenness. This is our difference, and I pray that God can do the same for this woman and her children what He did for me.

The Glory of it All - Even a Family's Pain

I spent more time working on my thesis, mainly the lit review. Some of this literature, I had not really looked at since the beginning of the year. It was nice to revisit more background on my thesis topic, which is emotional availability (parent responsiveness and quality of parent-child interactions) within divorcing and married families.

I was listening to the song, "Glory of it All" by David Crowder and I stopped and thought for a moment. All things God works to His glory - for the good of those who love Him, and for all to seek Him (Romans 8:28, Acts 17). So, does God use divorce to glorify Himself? Note, divorce is not His plan for a family. It is the product of a fallen world. Yet, I know He can use it to His glory. It is a step of faith for me to say this, when I have a one inch binder full of articles that discuss the negative outcomes of divorce which some children experience.

Yet I have articles about resilience. I know people who have come out of divorce and other maladaptive home-life situations. I've seen their struggle. I have struggled myself. And those of us that are Believers know that we feel our Father more acutely when we realize that we have lacked the love of a parent at different parts of our lives. We cry at His feet to mourn this, but we hold up our arms as He embraces us. We have hope that all will be restored, and that He will show us how He had worked, even in our darkest moments.

How does this affect my thesis? I have prayed more for divorcing families, for those that I observed, though the parent-child interactions were coded several years ago, I know it is not to late for God to really show Himself in these families. I talk about hope, or try to, in my thesis. Not just hope that this will help counselors and other people assist couples in working out their problems, so they will be less likely to divorce. I want to convey that families that are going through or have divorced still have hope. God's hand is mighty to save. No family is beyond His help. They just need to turn to Him. He has supplied the Son for their transgressions, and He will give them grace and love to go on.

So, when I sing, "Oh the glory of it all / is You are here / for the rescue of us all / that we may live." I know that a broken family can show as much of God's glory as an intact family. An intact family shows His plan. A broken family shows His redemption, healing, and comfort through the tears.

Never Alone

"You are not alone / Know that I will fight the tide to be together / When you feel alone / Listen to this song to make your heart feel better." - Sanctus Real

I am listening to "Alone" by Sanctus Real. I thought about the video that a few people from my D-Team made the Spring of 2005. I remember that video because it was the first music video I helped make and that in the middle of making it, I recieved a phone call that I had to go back to Denver becauase my grandpa had worsened in the Intensive Care Unit. I remember crying with the very people that made the music video around me as we prayed. When I got back from that school year the following fall semester, my grandpa had passed, and when I watched the completed video, I just cried becauase I remembered it.

I just bought the song off of iTunes and as I'm listening to it and "Everything About You", My mind went back to my undergrad years which weren't so long ago, but in a way they were.

I started out a nerdy premed student who know God had to be important but I had no idea how He would change me. I became Christian mid 1st semester Freshman year and the changes began. Then the pain started. My uncle had his first occurance of lung cancer and that was scary but it was eradicated pretty quickly with chemotherapy. Freshman year was great. Sophomore year's worst pain was O-Chem. That was it. And I managed to get a C in O-Chem II. God revealed Himself as Creator to me then and I made an attempt to show my openly atheist professor that there was a God. My classmate and brother-in-Christ handed our professor a tract.

After my sophomore year the pain increased. My uncle was sick again with a terminal recurrence of cancer. I also idealized a person whom I wanted so badly to be there with me, and God had to break me from that obsession. Junior year my uncle got worse and died. I had to hold my pain in as I helped another family member deal with it. Yet I knew God was holding me close. I don't remember that much of 1st semester junior year, but I know that God continued to make Himself real through my reading of His Word and by the testimony and witness of my friends at CSU.

Second semester Junior year around Finals week, my grandpa got sick. Two back to back hardships. Studying for the MCAT was my reality check. Looking at pictures of the human body or molecules for organic chemistry review made me realize God was sovereign and rational even though these situations didn't appear rational at all.

That summer was hard. Really hard. God kept me in Fort Collins where I witnessed the changes He brought through the Summitview Infusion. And He kept a premed brother-in-Christ by me to help me through this ordeal. He started to become a very good friend through this, and for that, I was very thankful. My grandpa died the end of the summer. It's all in my blog here.

Senior year I took Biochemistry. There were many times I was almost brought to my knees in praise of God during the lectures as His awesomeness in the smallest workings of life were revealed. God through His Word, Biochemistry, and again His work in my friends kept me believing in His faithfulness, His plan, His comfort. God who held every molecule in my body making them all work properly could hold me when I felt overwhelmed with grief.

This last year I worked at a hospital. I've lost 4 patients that I have gotten to know pretty well, each time I've shed tears. I've seen a lot of suffering but a lot of amazing recoveries. God's hand is hard at work at the hospital.

So back to the song by Sanctus Real. Why am I listening to it over and over again? Because it's a reminder that God has never left me alone. Even through these past three years, when others may have thought He had left me, it was then He was the closest. I am starting to believe that this lesson was the main spiritual lesson of my undergraduate career. It was taught by pain, by a lot of pain, pain where I wished God would stop my physical heart and end it, but He wanted me to know that He would hold my spiritual heart as I cried.

I wonder what my graduate school years will be like. I hope they will be good. Whatever happens, I know for sure, wether things are good or bad, God will always be at my side.