The Vortex of Love

Tonight Mom and I had another evening of taking my aunt back to her apartment and driving her and Grandma to a restaurant to eat. Grandma paid for everyone's meal as a Christmas / Birthday gift to my mom :) My aunt made it back to her apartment and she and her roommate were happy to see each other when her roommate opened the door. 

The drive back to my grandma's house was uneventful and I had no problems helping Grandma into the house. However, Mom had a bit of trouble getting into the garage (it's an old garage door), and she got a bit frustrated which resulted in her taking her frustration out on me. 

Later Mom and I talked and she said that she didn't like all the driving around she had to do as part of her caregiving routine. I gathered from the conversation that she didn't feel appreciated. Earlier I gave Mom a Hobby Lobby gift card as a small birthday present and Mom was really excited about that and a surprise birthday card a neighbor gave her.

Our conversation made me realize why those little gifts were so precious to Mom. It seems that Mom was starved for love growing up, and she is still hungry for love. Tonight I shared with her Romans 5:5 which says hope (in God's love) does not dissapoint because God pours out His love through His Holy Spirit. That seemed to cheer her up along with a hug :) :) 

Yet I came to my room and had a bit of a near teary moment because I do not want to be a vortex of love. 

I do not want love to come to me and I just to take it and keep demanding love and keep demanding praise and such. I do not want others to feel like they can never please me and that everything anyone does isn't good enough because I always need more love. 

I also do not want to have to be in a situation where another person is pulling love from me and demanding more and never has enough from me. Specifically, I do not want to get married and discover Prince Charming is a vortex of love. That would be bad. That is a fear I have in getting married. 

I want to be a fountain of love - a little bubbling fountain where people can be encouraged and see that Christ loves through me because I am imperfect at loving people. Not just because of my ASD, but because I am not perfect - I sin and need Christ my savior. 

I want to marry a fountain of love fueled by Christ. Fountains give life and love, but a vortex only takes away.

We are all vortexes of love apart from Christ. Only Christ can fill up the holes left from our development. These holes just take away and suck love out of other people and demand more love from those around other people and can't give back. But Christ covers these holes. He is all in all, and transforms His followers from vortexes to reflections of His true fountain of love. 

Christmas Tea and Hot Chocolate

Mom and I finished our Christmas with tea and hot chocolate! Mom liked her cute snowman mug :)

Yesterday I wrote how I was struggling to get in the Christmas spirit this whole season. Well, I'd have to say that after that post, I was feeling more in the Spirit. Not just the Christmas Spirit, but letting God's Spirit talk to me more. 

I was able to stay calm when Mom was worried about going over to my grandma's house to take her and my aunt to church. Turns out, they weren't sure how it would all work out as it was blowing snow. Mom and I were concerned about Grandma falling on the ice as she has osteoporosis and is quite unsteady. When Grandma said she didn't think she would go to church, I reminded her that God understood and that she made a really good decision to stay safe and warm inside her house. My aunt wasn't too disappointed either, and so Mom and I went back home after wishing them a merry Christmas. 

The morning of Christmas, I got up and made Mom some breakfast. We jammed to some Jars of Clay and Third Day Christmas tunes. While opening presents, we jammed to Chris Tomlin's Glory in the Highest CD. Some years I see presents as a competition: did I get enough presents for Mom to 'match' what she gave me? If I feel like I didn't break even with Mom and she gave more than I did, I would feel guilty afterward. But this year, I was more grateful for her presence than her... presents! (Yes, that was a pun for any of my blog stalkers who enjoy puns!) Mom and I bought each other really inexpensive practical gifts and that was nice :) 

Then I read Isaiah 11 - 66. Like the whole thing. 

Mind. Blown. 

Like. Wow. WOW! GOD IS LIKE SUPER EPIC! He wipes out WHOLE NATIONS and saves HIS PEOPLE - His Redeemed - for Himself all through Christ and - oh man - did I say that was epic already??? There's a bunch of prophesies specific to Christ, and tons MORE that are general promises for those that are redeemed through Christ and were for the people of the Old Testament. Oh. Man! 

Like I said: Mind. Blown! 

That was really nice to set the stage for the next part of our Christmas which was taking my grandma and aunt out to dinner en route to taking my aunt back to her apartment. 

We went to one of the few restaurants that was open. The server wasn't as quick as his co-workers, but we eventually got everything we asked for. I felt like asking the manager to ask him to get a move on it since we had two family-member clients that had to get places before it got too cold, but I think God was teaching me patience. I was nice to the guy even though I thought he should've done a better job for how busy the place was and that they seemed to have adequate staff. However, God reminded me that Christ treated us not as we deserve, so I should treat this server not as he deserved. I was nice and we all wished him a Merry Christmas and tipped him adequately. 

Mom was a bit worried about Grandma walking on the ice, but there wasn't much, and she was ok. There was one moment where both she and my aunt were using me for balance, and I was thinking, 'Ok guys. At least we're right by the car.' We made it to my aunt's apartment and I helped her open the door. She was turning the key the wrong way in the deadbolt and I showed her after the door was open so she could see the bolt going in and out of the door. Mom, Grandma, and I made it home uneventfully. It was just super cold. 

Hence the need for tea and hot chocolate once Mom and I got home :) 

I know it's a pretty obvious thing to point out, but definitely focusing on Christ helped me this Christmas. God worked through  me to display His love and care on the day we celebrate His birth. For that, I am thankful :) 

What remains when traditions are stripped away

Mom and I are struggling to keep the true meaning of Christmas in our minds this year for a few reasons. 

First, our tree has been downsized a lot. We've gone from a 5 foot tree in the corner of the living room to 
this little ornament tree from Target because my crud is in the corner as you all can see. 

I still have Mom's presents around it :) :) 

Second of all, Mom and are not going to my aunt's house in Littleton like we normally do because she has other Christmas plans. 

Third of all, Mom and I are going to take my grandma and my aunt with special needs to church tonight and then out to eat tomorrow before we take my aunt back to her apartment. We will basically be focused on family caregiving on Christmas day. 

I can 'check out' and treat Christmas like I did when I worked at the group home: It's a holiday, but I'm at work for some of it and I can focus on the clients but not on what the holiday is really about. I can make Christmas about keeping Mom happy and making sure she has a nice Christmas and not really celebrate it myself in my own heart. 

However, I can do all these things: joyfully help my aunt and grandma as well as encourage my mom if I remember the TRUE meaning of Christmas. 

Today I felt myself checking out, so I spent some time in Isaiah chapters 9 to 11. I read the familiar verses of "For unto us a child is born..." to Mom and that cheered her up. Christmas is about redemption. Christmas is about Christ coming to redeem His people out of the world being held captive by sin. Christmas is about God and His love for the world. 

If I focus firstly on Christ and celebrate His birth, that encouragement derived from that and He can better display His love to my family as I help meet their physical and emotional needs. If I focus firstly on Christ, all traditions can be stripped away: we could go without our little ornament tree and little presents, yet I could still rejoice in Christmas because I would be rejoicing in Christ. 

Mothers' Special Helpers

Today Mom, Grandma, my aunt, and I went to dinner. I enjoy hanging out with my aunt and grandma because they remind me of my mom and myself. 

My aunt's Down Syndrome doesn't stop her from helping her mother. She often gets her mother's purse or makes sure she has everything she needs. She also reminds her mother that my mother and I are waiting for her. When I ask my aunt, she will tell me about putting away her mother's groceries or helping with breakfast when she is at her mother's house for the weekend. 

Of course, my aunt has limits on how much she is able to help. Sometimes she gets impatient or wishes her mother would walk faster. It's hard on my aunt when her mother snaps at her more because she's in pain or frustrated rather than because my aunt did something wrong. I explained to my aunt on several occasions that  "Well, your mom is mad because she's in pain or because she can't do something. Not because you did something wrong." Sometimes she can be blunt when talking about her mother. Tonight she told me, "I'm going to tell my mom you're ready. She's slow." I cracked up once my aunt walked down the hallway to summon her mother. My aunt can say the darndest things because she has no verbal filter. Yet she thanked me when I helped her mother with her coat after dinner. 

I help my mother on a more sophisticated level by listening when she is upset (well, trying to), or doing things such as helping her around the house. However, I am limited in what I can do. I can't drive Mom around because, well, I can't drive :D Other times, my autism specrumness gets in the way. I can't understand why she has to think about a situation I solved in my head within moments. Sometimes I don't know whether what I said makes sense if she looks confused. And if Mom snaps at me out of frustration due to her own circumstances, it still hurts even though I am a 28 year old post-bachelor's paralegal student that's only home temporarily. 

Yet God has me in this role. Yes, I had an unhealthy emotionally enmeshed situation with my mom earlier in my life, but I think it's getting better. I can see that God is using my experiences to help my aunt cope with issues she faces with being her mom's 'little helper.' I understand the challenges of a parent sometimes needing to rely on me like a child, and more importantly, I understand what it feels like to help someone else even in spite of my own limitations. Whenever I share these things with my aunt, I am thankful that God gave me this role in all its joys and struggles. Because in doing so, He is allowing me to help someone else. 

Careviging Hierarchy

I will probably address this more as I go along in the blog, but currently my aunt and my mom have seen a significant increase in the tasks they are required to do for my 92 year old grandmother who is living at home but with 20-30 hours a week of some form of outside help. 

Today Mom was supposed to take my grandmother on a scheduled outing. We realized the keys for granny's car were in our condo where the steps were currently under construction (and thus inaccessable). Mom called Grandma and turns out Grandma didn't know where her car keys went and didn't know for a few days. 

That was a problem because Mom needed the keys to take Grandma to the outing because Grandma's car is a 4 door car and could hold the stuff she needs better than Mom's 2 door car. 

So Mom and I had to brainstorm and find a solution. We found someone else to take Grandma, but it stressed both of us out. Mom was stressed because she felt like it was her fault. I tried not to stress when the solutions I brought up weren't being met with the response I was expecting. 

My mom and my aunt have most of the caregiving responsibility. I have read in the HDFS literature that informal or family caregivers need support. Currently I am experiencing being that support to Mom. 

If I were to outline a caregiving hierarchy, it would look something like this: 

Grandma (client) 

• Supported by Aunt 1 (with driving her to appointments and keeping records of care as well as other administrative tasks. She's seen as "lead staff" 
• Supported by her husband who helps her emotionally and helps her do projects around Grandma's house. 
• Supported emotionally by her two adult children. 
• Supported by: Mom (with driving her to events, managing medications) 
• Supported by me who does small tasks around Grandma's help either by myself or as a helper to Mom. Mom is also supported emotionally by me and I also brainstorm ideas Mom can share with Aunt 1. 
• Supported by Uncle 1 who comes up from Colorado Springs bi-weekly to do yard work and "manly" tasks as well as for other support tasks. 
• Supported by paid house-cleaners that clean floors and the kitchen on a bi-weekly basis. 

I have to remember that without Christ, this caregiving hierarchy will collapse. If I do not support Mom with the love of Christ, she will loose her support and that will affect the rest of this structure. 

Firstly I will have to pray that my family comes to know Christ if they haven't already. If they know Christ, CHRIST is their ultimate support as they help my grandma. Secondly, I just have to remember that God sees all of this and common grace He gives is strength for each day. Grace He gives those of us that are Christian are Christ working through us. We just have to keep letting Him as more needs are added to the caregiving hierarchy.