Meeting a Perfect God even in an Imperfect System

I read a friend's blog post that was about common errors he has seen while being part of several college and youth groups in the past. We were in the same college group, and his post made me think in depth of my time there.

To be honest, when I first think about my college group, I think of all the random moments in Newsom Hall playing board games, watching movies, or chasing each other down the hall as part of an ongoing prank war. I think of giggling in my friends's room and braving the smells of the guys' floor to help my group invite people to the service or to hang out. Sometimes I joke that undergrad was one big Small Group party! :) :)

When I think about it further, I think about praying at Danforth Chapel and then actual services. I remember feeling comfortable with the group so much to share how God has helped me in a sensitive area of my life, and I remember the ladies in the group giving me hugs :) and then me giving them hugs in return. I remember a team retreat where all the guys jumped into a frozen lake.

Reading my friend's post made me think of some of the times where I had pain that may have been caused by the structure of the group. I remember being a graduate student and feeling behind because I was old and I wasn't a leader. I remember getting into a disagreement with a leader apprentice who didn't like that I missed some events to prep for the MCAT when I was premed. To his credit, he asked for an apology, and I forgave him :) I also had trouble when a friend became an accountability partner and had to correct me on some things. I nearly ended our friendship because I didn't like someone younger than me in age and in the faith "bossing me around." We patched our differences and we remain really good friends :) :) :) :) :)  One time, I was reading a pamphlet about godly dating relationships and realized that all the examples were written by students and former students who had a leadership role. My blog friend and I actually were joking that there was no input from the "peasant class." I think we even went around one evening like, "We represent the peasant class!" It was meant to be a joke, but it was sort of serious. Basically, when I saw my friends and I not as equals in the faith, but in some sort of hierachy with the leaders at the top (closer to God or more successful in their Christian walk) than me, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. It made me feel  like I would be less worthy and able for God to bless me with a job or a young man who would pursue me with the intent to marry. When I felt that way, I would be sadder and I wouldn't feel as close to my friends.

Yet, nothing in this world isn't completely good and completely bad. My experiences in The Rock were not completely good or completely bad. Looking back, even in an imperfect system, I saw glimpses of a perfect God. Even when I was impatient with my dear friend for being my accountability buddy, she never got mad at me for going off on her. When I would cry and say, "I don't know if we can be friends." She was the one hugging me. I saw how God does not give up on pursuing us. When I was upset that I wasn't a leader on paper, I would cry to God and He would remind me through verses I would read about how we were all equal in Him. Paul's letters talk about comparison and 2 Corinthians is all about how Christ is the one who gives us strength and wisdom to build each other up. Not some role in our local church community.

There were some things I truly loved about The Rock. I loved how one of the pastors was so into praising God as Creator!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew every Chris Tomlin song where God as Creator was a main theme!!!!! And I would sing it really loud and I would eek! I loved how we prayed for campus when I looked around and saw how many people in the academic community deny the existence of God. I can truly say I love my sisters in Christ because they've helped me handle issues I've had based on my past and some have helped me handle my recent diagnosis of my autism spectrum disorder. I also enjoyed how a small group became like a miniature family. For someone coming from a family with a mild amount of emotional back-issues, the verse of God placing the lonely in families was clear when I felt at home with my group.

I appreciated how clear the social rules were in how we as women were to interact with the young men. For a young lady on the autism spectrum who grew up without a father or brothers, this was a tremendous social tool I used. Conversely, I was amazed the chivalry was not dead in the men. Even though there was the temptation to use these rules to say, "Well, such and such is more committed because he/she follows these rules better." the heart behind the guidelines is noble.

One of the most important things that happened to me was spending my summer after my Freshman year at home instead of being on a group mission trip or in Fort Collins where I could participate in the activities there. I was encouraged even then to participate with the group even when school was not in session. My first week at home, I called my mentor Christy nearly every day because I needed encouragement or I needed prayer. I would cry because I missed my small group and I missed her helping me. She emphasized that maybe God had me step away from the group so I could learn how to connect with God on my own. And I did. I learned how to pray and I learned how to read the Bible on a regular basis without someone reminding me. Seeing God's little smiles in seeing a cute flower or a pretty sunset encouraged me to keep a geniuine connection to Him.

Therefore, when I went back to school and back to The Rock, I had the community I was familiar with as well as the experience of communicating with God on my own. I could feel comfortable talking to God before a class as well as during a prayer meeting. God taught me things while I walked through The Oval as well as when I attended a service.

Looking back, the lesson here is that God is not bound by a system. All church systems are run by imperfect people. The first church spanned the middle east and the entire European continent and then needed the Reformation to set things straight. The protestant church emerged and over the years has formed different regional and doctrinal denominations. Nondenominational churches have their own culture with their unique strengths and faults. Yet people in and out of these systems have found God. They have embraced Him as their Savior, and they have drawn close to Him in personal prayer, reading the Word, and through community activities. Why do we need Christ? Because we will always fail. Why do the pastors need prayer? Because they need Christ to help them lead their people.

When I look back on my time in my Fort Collins church and as I participate in the life of my church in Denver, I must always realize this lesson: The system will always be imperfect, and the system is not what I need to pursue. God is perfect and I need to pursue Him.

The fight to see competence

Yet another post from the road... ahem or Light Rail line :D

Yay textbooks! 

 

Today we played a trivia game in Property Law and yesterday I took a quiz in Intro to Law. I got many of the answers right in the trivia game and got a 97 on my exam :) 

These accomplishments are the ammunition in my fight to see my competence in my transition to being a future-paralegal. 

At times I do not feel competent. When I'm reminded to study or when my mom worries, "Are you sure you think you did well on that test?" I worry that maybe she doesn't think I'm competent. 

I know it's sort of black and white thinking because of my ASD, but it's true. I know that Mom cares about my studies and just wants me to do well, but I feel like I am not doing something right if she worries. 

Yet, if I continue to do well, no matter how much my mom or anyone else worries about my progress, tangible grades, and being able to answer my questions are proof beyond a reasonable doubt that I am achieving competence in my paralegal classes. And for that competence, I thank God :) 

I'm bored, I'll post something!

I'm sorta bored. Time for a post! 


I've been in paralegal school for THREE WEEKS! My midterm for Intro to Law is on Monday of next week. I get along well with my group I'm working with to do a presentation on Family Law. We finished an overview of the US Government (always nice to review), and the US Court System. 


Property law is going better than I expected it to go since I have no previous background in real estate.
We looked at a survey map in property law and that was interesting. Going back and forth from the legal description to the actual drawing was a bit challenging, but I made it :D I also got a 99% and a 91% on my two homework assignments in there! YAY! :D 


Aside from my nerd-tastic adventures, I just bum around the house. I help Mom with household chores, and the other day I spent the morning helping my grandma with stuff around her house. It's nice to help out :) I also have been giving my mom lessons on how to use the interwebs. She basically goes to Google and then types what she wants from there. 


I interviewed at Office Team and have been applying for assignments, but so far nothing yet. Though I have gotten calls from the recruiters there asking for more information or about my schedule or something :D YAY! 


I'd like a job for the summer, but if not, oh well. I'll just keep trying :D 

Singleness Beautiful in its Time

THE GIRLY SIDE OF LITTLE ME IS TAKING OVER THIS BLOG AGAIN!!!! BAAAHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA :) Just kidding ;) But no really, I'm glad I can write about more than just nerdy observations on here :) 


Anyway, I was reading Ecclesiasties again and chapter 3 has the "Everything in it's time" section. A few weeks ago, I realized that God makes EVERYTHING beautiful in His time - the pains in life and the joys in life. For me as a Christian single lady, He has made my college years beautiful (and undergrad was one big Small Group party) and is making my working years beautiful in their time. I also realized that He made my years of having complete guy-crushes and borderline fixations on guys beautiful in their time. No, I'm not saying that God was pleased that I made guys idols. Nope. That was definitely a bad mistake. But He has used that time when I really really really really really really wanted to get married (to whatever specific guy I liked) to teach me stuff. 


He taught me how to trust and wait on Him even when I wanted something reeeeallllly badly. When I was getting googly-eyed over a guy because of a specific attribute (good with kids, nice, always willing to be helpful, etc.), God would show me how He had that same attribute multiplied by infinity. That was really cool because I got to know God a whole lot better that way :) 


Last Sunday we sang the song "Our God will Come" and I suddenly had this realization: Us single ladies waiting for marriage is a PERFECT REFLECTION OF THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH AS A WHOLE WAITING FOR OUR NUCLEAR HOT EPIC GROOM NAMED JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) 

Yet another cool image off of Google Images :)

Um.... ok, for those of you that sorta giggled when you read "Nuclear hot epic groom named Jesus..." - well... Daniel and Revelation both talk about all that epicness and bright and shininess when Jesus comes riding in on a white horse so..... THAT'S BIBLICAL! :) 


Anyway, sometimes I've felt like I've done a TERRIBLE job at waiting. Because I'd go to women's conferences and get the sense that the proper way to wait is to be all prim and proper serenely putting together a hope chest and helping your mom or older ladies in the church bake cookies and then pray these sweet nice prayers to Jesus for a husband and write in a nice little flowery journal after reading something from Elizabeth Elliot during your two hour daily quiet times. Then Jesus gives the prim and proper little Christian lady her man and she's all happy and then goes on to speak at women's conferences. 


Real life for me is so not like that!! I'm like the girl who is on a date with Jesus like "Hey, I know we're supposed to be going steady because You purchased my life with Your blood, but OH MY - YOU - This guy on my D-Team.... .let me tell You.... he's SOO HOTT and sweet!! And - I know this is our time - but I just wanna gush to You about him, and because You're unconditionally loving, I know You won't mind hee hee hee!" and later when said brother doesn't reciprocate, I'm having a hissy fit and Jesus is like Hosea who welcomes Gomer back into their home after she does her 'business' and is like, "I still love you, my Gomer-poo, come here!" and she's like, "I'm soo - oo - sorry - I'll never - run - off - again - not - for like - two weeks?" Yeah, my waiting for the most part has NOT been the prim and proper kind. 


Then I realize that the Church doesn't necessarily wait in a quiet way. Romans 8 says that we groan for Jesus to come back. And we don't always stick to Jesus all the time. Paul's epistles are filled with: and confess your sin to others, and exhort one another, etc. Why? Because we have a habit of FAILING!!! But we all strive for one thing: To get closer to Christ as we wait in anticipation for Him to come back / for us to go to Heaven to be with Him :) 


Suddenly with all that realization, I realized that my own struggles in waiting for a husband sort of mirror the Church as a whole (all Christians united together) to wait for Jesus and how we struggle to satisfy ourselves without Him. So, God is making the easy times of being single and the hard times of being single beautiful in His time with this major lesson and of course many others :) :) :) 

A Legit Career Path

One thing about being in Symbio, is almost everyone is asking, "Ok, what do I want to do when I grow up?" Yes, many of us have bachelor degrees and several years of work experience under our belts. But the question we are asking is this: What do we want our resume to look like long term given our education, experience, and things we're passionate about? 


One of my friends asked the Facebook world what she should be when she grows up. The overwhelming response was missionary and/or mother. At first when I looked at her question, I thought, "What career path would suit my friend the most?" But then I thought, "I think she should be a mom because a) she's wanted to be one since she could stand independently, and b) caregiving and supporting parents is something she is very passionate about. So, why not just give her a bunch of kids to mother and lead to Jesus?" 


Her question made me see that I'm seeing motherhood as having the same validity as a vocation as something such as paralegal, occupational therapist, engineer, scientist, teacher, etc. No, it's not listed in the Occupational Outlook Handbook that the Bureau of Labor Statistics publishes, but when I think about it, one could write a very detailed job description for a full-time parent, specifically a stay-at-home mother. Note, fathers also provide care and guidance in their way, but  the vocation of a stay at home mother is examined here. 

Cute picture thanks to Google Images!! 

Job Title: Caregiver / Teacher / Minister to Children / Home Manager. Job title often consolidated to Wife and Mother. Stay At Home Mother (SAHM) is also an appropriate title. 

Essential Duties: 
*Provide developmentally appropriate care to children of various ages within a home and community setting. 
*Model and instruct children in knowing the Truth of the Bible and the Person of Jesus
*Provide developmentally appropriate instruction in living skills, social skills, and provide developmentally appropriate educational opportunities. This may include homeschooling. 
*Perform appropriate home management tasks such as maintaining a budget, purchasing groceries, and developing meal plans. 
*Perform household chores including cleaning and cooking and instruct children in performing chores appropriate to their developmental level
*Engage children emotionally and cognitively in creative activities in the home and community
*Discpline children using developmentally appropriate and Biblical principles 
*Assess and monitor children's health and respond to routine and/or emergency situations accordingly. 
*Support spouse in his working role and his role of spiritual leader of the household 


Minimum Education: Formal training in consumer/family sciences courses at high school or college level recommended, Informal training including prior caregiving experience with children and/or Bibically based parenting course offered within a faith community strongly encouraged and recommended


*Note: even if minimum educational requirements are met, continuing education in informal and formal settings  is mandatory for the success of this position. 


Minimum Qualifications:
*Possess a willingness to learn principles of caregiving and child-development from observation and/or traditional teaching methods. 
*Actively be pursuing a growing relationship and dependence on God to complete the duties of this position in His strength. 
*Must be willing to accept correction from peers and spouse for duration of position. 
*Maintaining and improving consistency in reading the Bible and applying Biblical practices to daily job duties


Right. This was written from the perspective of a Human Development and Family Studies graduate, hence the emphasis on child development throughout. 


But yeah. It looks nearly like a job description on job boards. And it is certainly as complex as many paying vocations. The position of Wife and Mother of course falls within the human services sector. It also has aspects of management, clerical, educational, health-care and service sector positions. That means there are a TON of transferable skills that someone could gain in paid work before transitioning into the role of full-time mother. 


So is it a legit vocation? TOTALLY!!!!!!!! 


What does that mean for those of us that are not parents (yet?) This means, we can support current parents in prayer and by babysitting children if families ask us. This also means, we should think about how to do this job description. Note, in all things, we should rely on God's strength, but developing these practical skills would be helpful too. And lastly, we can encourage the parents around us and thank them for being the example we can follow if God indeed does lead us into full-time parenting as a vocation :) 

Not so radical after all

At Summitview, Mitch showed this video  before the message as it was Missions Weekend. He talked about some initiatives Summitview was starting to continue supporting individuals we knew in other countries that were working to spread the Gospel. 


I've been thinking about this video for the whole day. Because right now I really want to get my career on. It's been long enough after graduating in 2009. Sure I've had jobs related to my major, but they didn't necessarily require a bachelor's degree much less a master's degree to do. 


What dictated my career so far has been a) my inability to drive since that disqualified me for a lot of jobs that I would have otherwise gotten easily. The other factor that influenced my career decision was my decision to stay in Fort Collins because God had led me to stay there after graduation to be a part of Summitview. 


I honestly feel like it's my turn to call the shots. I've put off a career long enough. Moving to Denver is also beneficial because I can be closer to my mom and be an example of Christ to her, my aunt, and my grandma. That is something I am also genuinely excited about. But I am also excited about FINALLY getting access to some decent jobs. I've been applying to some that sound promising. If I got a nice job along with a nice apartment on a bus-line, I wouldn't complain :) If I lived with a bunch of other single ladies from the Denver church (that was started by some Summitview people), that would be even better. I am excited to maybe do some volunteering with Alternatives Pregnancy Center or a like agency once I get to Denver and get a schedule figured out with paralegal school + a potential job. I'm also really looking forward to getting back into Children's Minstry :) 


But am I super-radical like David Platt's video calls me to be? Nope. I'll be the first to admit it. He would ask me, is using my degree in a nice career of ultimate importance in the grand eternal scheme of things?? Is having a nice high-rise apartment on a bus line the most important thing? Are all these things ultimately worth pursuing?  


The first answer I'd give him which is partially tongue in cheek would be, "Well you see, Dave, that would make my mom immensely happy to see that her daughter has made it." Yeah, I'd be satisfied knowing that Mom would be at peace knowing I had made it if I had a nice career and such. 


But of course, it's God's opinion that matters. He made Mom, myself, this world, and He is the sovereign ruler and redeemer over it all. Obviously, if He thinks it's important that I have these things, I should have them. But if He thinks I am better off and if His goals are more suited such that I do not get these things, I should agree with Him on that line. 


The trouble is, I don't. I, like many people, want to be respected for being successful, and I want to feel like I contributed well to society. Contributed well, to me on a merely earthly perspective means using my talents and skills in the workforce to their fullest extent to help society progress. 


This video we watched shook me today because I realized I can be in very real danger of loosing my eternal perspective on my career. Even if I worked at minimal wage jobs, but yet God used that to bring people to Himself through the Gospel, my life would have an eternal impact. Even if I got my career for a little bit and gave it up to raise children who know Christ and are confident of sharing Christ with others, my life would also have an eternal impact. Finally if, by God's grace, I get a nice career and stay in the workforce for a long time in the private sector or going back into academia, my resume won't eternally matter. What will matter is how many people I reached for Christ in these contexts. I pray and need to always pray for this perspective no matter where God directs my career path. Because the lives touched through that trajectory rather than my accomplishments and my monetary reward will ultimately matter. 


God, please help me believe that. Help those in my demographic believe that as well!!! Thank You for saving me from utter selfishness, because without You, that's all I would have to drive my aspirations. Thank You! I pray that the kids going on missions as teens this summer will gain this eternal perspective to allow them to reach others in college and as they start their adult lives! Amen :) 

Feeling Behind no matter What

So today I had a moment of feeling behind in life. I just checked Facebook and found out one of my friends I knew from my time in an internship got married. She's younger than me and she adds to the ranks of other people younger than me getting a ring on it. 
I also hung out with my cousin today who's a teacher and is married with two daughters. Her daughters were really cute. My cousin is 2 years older than me. After we hung out, I went to the CSU campus to work on my Occupationaeltl Therapy school application. 

Suddenly I felt behind. 


Suddenly I felt like I wasn't where I should be in life. I should have a good career going OR I should be married and producing grandchildren for my mom. 

Even though my job at the group home is fulfilling, most people don't see it as a long-term career goal. And I obviously am not married. 


Yet as I entered my coursework into the application, I realized: I accomplished something: A CRAP-LOAD OF SCHOOL!!!!!! But seriously, not everyone gets a chance to go to a university or go to grad school. So those things are accomplishments. And not everyone has the personality needed to work in a group home. 


I thought about it further: What if I had a career? What if I was a program manager instead of a direct support provider at my group home? I could still feel behind if our organization wasn't running our facility like another in the region. I could still feel behind if I didn't have a ring on it. 


OK. Well, what if I had a ring on it and had a kid or so? If I stayed home, I'd feel behind because I wasn't working in the 'real world' even though providing direct care for a child's physical needs and teaching them social skills and helping them accomplish developmentally appropriate tasks is hard hard work. I get a glimpse of it when I work with kids in a classroom and when I see parents out in the field. 


Let's take it 1 step further: Let's say that I had a good career and was a wife and mother. First of all, I'd go insane. Secondly, I could STILL FEEL BEHIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No kidding. I could be like, "This person with the same family structure is moving faster in her career. This person with the same hours as me somehow scheduled in more activities for her kids than my kids have..."


Suddenly a lightbulb came on in my head: We all want to be ahead - to win the big prize of accomplishment.

. 

I think it's just human nature and part of wanting to be a god of sorts.  Yet if I realize that God has a plan for our lives and if we are in Christ, God has our approval because we have Christ's righteousness that He gave to us on the Cross. So we don't have to work for some sort of tangible or intangible trophy. We fall in to the temptation ALL THE TIME. We just have to apply faith and do good in the stuff God calls us to do and tell people about Him. And the cool thing is God helps us with that. 

Then I don't have to bemoan, "Oh, I'm not married. Oh, I don't have an AMAZING career, oh, I'm going back to school while everyone else's lives are moving on.... oh woe is me. :P" I can thank God for where He has taken me, where I am now, and where He would want me in the future :) Then I don't feel behind anymore. I feel right where God wants me :)

God, I want to run away!!!!

Long time no blog.... Well, not EXACTLY true, I do have a draft, but it always seems to be pushed to the back of the to do list....


Anyhoo, recently, I've told God that I want to run away. 


Huh? 


Well, for starters, I'm (hopefully) starting up at a NEW GROUP HOME! Yeah... For various reasons, I've left the old one. 

For a while all I had was my call-center job. I call it my 'crap' job when I don't feel very grateful for it. Thanks Google Images for finding the perfect picture for how I feel sometimes... 


Even if I get this new job, I'll still have two part-time jobs that I am still pretty overqualified for... Because I still put so much identity in my job (working on getting my identity elsewhere... we'll get to that) and because my mom will only believe (for now) that God is good when I get a full-time job in my field and will not be in debt. 


I have also been searching for a job  - ahem - a "real" job for over a year now. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I just want to "slam the door" on God and not talk to Him and just walk off and find a job all by my onesie since sometimes I feel like He's not helping anyway... It's one of those if God is the one ultimately responsible for where I go in life, and if I want to go to point A, but God is holding me back, then I must walk away from God and walk to point A on my own. In short, I want to run away and find a 'big girl' job on my own.  

I can pretend that God isn't real, however, here's the problem: If God is sovereign over every single life whether that person acknowledges His presence or not, and if God directs everyone's path whether we are aware of it or not (Acts 17), than logically, I cannot ignore God if He indeed has shown Himself to me through some form of communication. He has revealed Himself through The Bible, Creation, and His Spirit (personal connection). 


There is a reason I put a picture of a little person in this blog. Other than the fact it's sort of cute, it makes a point: Me 'running away' and pretending that God is not good and thinking I can get what I want on my own is like a child running away from his parents thinking he can get what he wants without them. 

This actually happened two weeks ago in Children's Ministry. One of my little guys wasn't having fun in the classroom, so he was about ready to make a run for it. Well, what would be bad about him roaming the halls of Summitview? Well, for practical purposes, if he fell, got hurt, got lost, etc. I would have a harder time tracking him down and getting to him. If he fell down in the classroom, he has three adults to help him versus if he fell down on a deserted stairway. And also, if he's alone, he isn't building a good relationship with his little classmates or with his teachers. Keeping him in the classroom is best so he can build beneficial relationships with people that want to influence his life in a positive way and teach him good things. Luckily our faithful Children's Ministry director was there and gave him a good talking-to as he was about to escape. He came back (sulking a bit), but brightened up with one of the helpers got him into building with blocks. 


I think God brings this image to mind because there are similar parallels. I could suddenly stop talking to God and try and find a 'real' job on my own - without praying to Him, without seeking advice from friends that believe in Him. I could move to a different city where my job would be and never find a new church group errantly thinking God let me down the last time. But I wouldn't have God warning me of spiritual danger, I wouldn't have God watching my behavior and correcting my habits as The Great Interventionist / Father / Teacher. Therefore, I'd 'fall' and I would probably wait a while before calling on God to help me. Most importantly, if I up and stopped talking to God and letting that relationship deepen, I'd miss out on what He had to teach me and remind me that He ultimately has good for me. 


Dear God,
I know sometimes I want my real job, and sometimes I feel like You don't want to give it to me. But I know it's not because I'm a bad girl because You paid for my sins on the cross. Sometimes I want to run away and not talk to You because I don't think You're giving me what I want. But I know it would be bad for me - Your child - to never talk to You again to run away from my 'spiritual home' so to speak.  So, God, I'm sorry for the times I have gotten mad at You. I'm thankful for the job You've given me and the things You're teaching me now. 


Thank You for prompting me and gently whispering: I have good for you right here. Please stay and talk to Me. 


Amen :) 

A Basement Recovery Room versus Crow's Nest

Two years ago I graduated from Colorado State University's Human Development and Family Studies Master's program. Graduation is usually a time of great celebration and pride. Here I am outside the Alumni Center. They had an old graduation robe that seniors could put on to get their pictures taken by Cam the Ram. Of course I had to go for it :) 

I enjoyed sitting by my friends during graduation. One of them was joking that he looked like one of the kids out of Harry Potter in his robes. Of course we laughed. 

Behind the smile I had, there was a lot of pain. My mom was worried about job prospects for me and she also noticed I had spent more time cranking out pages for my thesis rather than cranking out sweat on the treadmill. I remember walking up to my friend in Moby Arena with tears in my eyes saying, "You know how your thesis was on body image and self-concept? Well, My self-concept just got shot down." My friend understood and gave me a giant hug before we all lined up together. 

After graduation, my mom had a bit of a meltdown in my apartment over my job prospects. She didn't like the idea of me staying in Fort Collins post graduation and going to El Paso on a summer mission trip. 

While other kids were celebrating with their parents over dinner, I tearfully went to the first safe place I thought of: Newsom Hall my old undergrad stomping grounds. One of my friends was still in the process of moving out. His father graciously let me sit on the empty bed and cry as they moved their belongings out. They both prayed for me and were very nice and didn't probe much. 

After they were checked out, my friend invited me to watch a movie with the rest of the Reynolds Team. I came to The Quad and sat in the basement watching the movie. I just didn't want to be alone. I was trying not to cry, but I was anyway. I did enjoy the movie, but sometimes I would cry thinking about my mom's worries or just that graduation night wasn't the happy moment I thought it would be. 

In contrast, Temple Grandin (played by Claire Danes) is portrayed in her movie as going up to the Crow's Nest on her graduation day. She has a smile as she's stepping up the ladder and opens the door as a symbol of her confidence that she could successfully go on to college. Her mother is cheering her on during this moment in her life. In her book The Way I see it, Dr. Grandin says that praise from parents and teachers for tangible major accomplishments like graduations or completing large assignments or projects helps boost the self-esteem of children on the autism spectrum. 

Looking back on that day two years ago, I faced great fear of uncertainty rather than high expectations on my graduation day. Instead of climbing up to some sort of "crow's nest", I was in a basement after a good long cry. According to her movie and her books, it seems like Dr. Grandin knew she had talent to offer to the world and was ready to go on to the next step with the support of her mother and Mr. Carlock her teacher. I wonder if Dr. Grandin draws on this love and support she initially felt whenever she speaks at current graduations or remembers her own. 

    Yet though my own memories of graduation bring back a degree of sadness and fear, I can still draw on the love and support of my discipleship team. Knowing they were there for me that night in the basement of the Quad to support me gave me a glimmer of courage amidst my anxiety and sadness to trust God with the next chapter of my life. 

I Sort of Feel like Super-Nerd...sort of!

This seems like an odd title for a post about a career fair,  but it's true. I felt like Super-Nerd...aka Dr. Grandin.  Here's why: I shared my experiences (so far) about my career and what I did and wished I did so that these graduating seniors would be able to do what they wanted in the helping professions. Just telling them to go for it made me smile because that's more encouragement for them. There was a guy who wanted to be a gym teacher and was sort of unsure.  But when he heard that UNC had a program and he could get experience at sports camps and that kind of thing,  he got a bit more perked up.
Just being able to use my experience to encourage others makes it worth it. Even though I am not at a master's level of employment yet,  I shouldn't take what I have for granted. 
Talking about the easy typical stuff will make it easier to talk about the difficult stuff for others' benefit if that's what God wants me to do.
I also realized that I don't have to wait to be at Super-Nerd's level of fame to make a difference.  God wants all of little me and what I'm doing now.

6 months since my life changed forever: Work and what I want to do when I grow up

First of all: 
OH MY GOODNESS THE BLOG LOOKS DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just thought I'd say that since I know that's what people will think if they are used to the old format. Well, I added the followers gadget and a search the blog gadget & apparently Blogspot has had updated templates for a while. Well, new year, new DECADE - new blog layout? 


Now onto the intended content: 


I thought I'd go a bit more in depth about how realizing I have an ASD has changed my life in several different areas just because it's nice for me to see and because it just shows how much I had to re-think my identity, but also how having an underlying trust in God in all these areas made this shift so much easier.


I went into HDFS because as a pediatrician, it would be nice to know about child development. I wanted to be a pediatrician so I could eventually work with and treat kids who were adopted that had attachment and/or development and/or sensory integration issues. Contrary to popular belief, I didn't chose HDFS because cute kids automatically made me eeek. In fact, my mom has a picture of me holding my second cousin with this look on my face like, "Oh dear God, help me hold this kid because I don't want to drop her and I'm not used to being around kids!!" 


I had to grow into working well with kids. I had to grow into working well with people too. In retrospect, if I was in Temple Grandin's words, "an anthropologist from Mars" when it came to figuring out people and social situations, studying HDFS made it a bit easier. 


Why do I start out with this? Because I was always bothered by the fact  that the book-learning about development didn't necessarily translate into being able to handle interactions. For example: most people felt at home in the early-childhood classroom at the lab school at CSU and would feel at home in the Summitview nursery when they volunteered. For me, I could talk nicely to the kids and do basic stuff like remembering to get down at eye-level and explain things so they could understand, but I always felt like I was going at it firstly from an intellectual rather than an emotional standpoint. God gets infinite points (well, first because He's GOD) for helping me open my emotions to these kids that He allowed me to help. I think one of the reasons it was hard for me to open my emotions up was because if I felt the attachment a caregiver feels for his or her child, I would begin to miss the attachment I needed to feel growing up. In fact, I felt a sense of sadness when we discussed optimal parent-child interactions in class because I knew it wasn't like that for me growing up. 


Anyway, as I got further into working in HDFS, I realized that a lot of people assume that people with an HDFS degree are naturally good at helping people and don't expect a person who does attachment work to put her foot in her mouth while at her internship. Well, during my summer internship in grad school, I ended up with foot-in-mouth syndrome a few times. Thankfully, God gave me grace & my supervisor understanding :) But still, I think that was a shock to both of us. Even in other things like doing research, I had some difficulties actually interacting with the team. That was always weird to me. Also, I could observe parent-child interactions, but it took me a bit longer to pick up on cues. My advisor always seemed to point out little things I missed, and it took a lot out of me to observe that keenly. 


Finding out I had an ASD made all of that make sense!!!! FINALLY! Yes, I can still teach kids on a limited basis, yes I can still do research, yes I can still work with a team, but it is more challenging than it would be for most people in the HDFS world. They only have to study interactions for research purposes. I have to study interactions all the time just to avoid foot-in-mouth syndrome or other things. Unfortunately, this means that some jobs in my field might not be good for me. I thought about maybe going back and getting a Marriage and Family Therapy degree, but I know that reading client's feelings closely as well as analytically figuring out their problems would be a lot for me. Also, I don't think I could work in a child-care setting 40 hours a week. I enjoy doing Sunday school and babysitting for special-events at Summitview, but there is usually a 1 adult to every 3-5 kids, and in a child-care setting the ratios are much higher. I know I'd get overwhelmed if I had to manage a classroom with a 1:6 or above ratio because that's what the ratio was at the Early Childhood Center, and I was exhausted after a Friday afternoon of being there for my practicum. 


So, what can I do? Well, I've decided to do some volunteer grant-writing to see how that goes. I enjoy research, and recently, I wrote an article for the Examiner, with more to come :) I'm pondering the idea of having a developmental services company that specializes in grant-writing, curriculum development for interventions, and more what I call 'techie' aspects of Human Development and Family Studies work. If things start rolling along smoothly, I might go back and pick up a PhD to gain more research and expertise. Hm... yes, this sounds a bit like what a certain professor did, but different field very different field, folks!!!!!!!!  


This is definitely not what I was expecting to do with my degree, and knowing that I'll be in the human services world, but not in the way people usually are took a lot of shifting in my thinking. I panicked a bit and thought, "Oh no, did I go into the WRONG FIELD!?" No.


If I believe in a God who is sovereign and who opened the doors to me being in HDFS, this is not a mistake. I thought being premed was a mistake when I didn't do so hot on the MCAT, but God came though and provided that job in the hospital that allowed me to use my knowledge. I'm still using some of that knowledge in my current work as a direct care provider at a group home. God taught me about trusting Him for a career in general when I graduated, and it is this groundwork of trust that is helping me trust Him with whatever unique role He has for me in the HDFS field given both my strengths and my limitations.

Hope of a job, though not my ultimate hope

So, there might be a possibility of me getting a job working with adults with disabilities. I have to be careful though, that I do not make this my ultimate hope. Do I wait for the phone to ring for the formal interview? Yes. Do I get crushed if I don't get that call? No.

In the past, I have. My hope has jumped from job to job to job. However, now I am realizing that a job is a tool God uses to provide for me and for sending me into a mission field of the people that I interact with in that particular environment. This is probably the greatest paradigm shift that I have experienced during this lengthy job searching process. However, coming to the realization that my ultimate hope is not a title or place of employment, but in my Provider has refined and grown my faith in God and thus worth it.

God is DA MAN! Habbakuk 3

I did another 'not-so-random open the Bible to this point and have a quiet time.' today. I appreciate Habbakuk's prayer in chapter 3, especially 3b-4: "his glory covered the heavens and his praise filled the earth. his splendor was like the sunrise; rays flashed from His hand where His power was hidden." I LOVE FINDING CREATION VERSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :)

He begins like most psalmists stating that the Lord's fame and power are known first in what He has done and in Creation. :) What is also cool is verses 6-10 could be references to the Flood. "The ancient mountains crumbled and the age-old hills collapsed" Tetonic activity might have leveled older mountain ranges and made new ones. "You split the earth with rivers, the mountains saw You and writhed torrents of water swept by; the deep roared and lifted the waves on high" Ok, that is definitelya reference to the Flood, and taking the previous verses in context what that, it is interesting that Habbakuk points to the Flood as evidence of God's power and judgement because he is writing this to warn the Israelites of the impending captivity.

Verses 11 - 16 could talk about the end-times. "You crushed the leader of the land of wickedness, you stripped him from head to foot." That could refer to the time Nebuchadnezzar was owned by God and made to EAT GRASS or could refer to God's ultimate defeat of Satan, of whom God says will get his FACE CRUSHED. The threshing of the nations indicates end times because God would separate His people from the ones that didn't call upon Him for salvation.

Then we get to verses 17-19 which people quote all the time. "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights." Knowing that God is powerful enough to create the whole Earth and flood it; Knowing God will crush Satan and the nations and save His people is security enough for Habbakuk. Though every main source of revenue in his country is ruined, he doesn't panic because God is on his side and is in control of all of it.

Do I believe that? Haha... sometimes. I get the theological significance, but the times when I'm not offered a job and feel powerless and feel like I'm abandoned, I tend to say some not-so-nice things to God and come very close to slamming the door in His face and give up. These are the times when I realize that I have a 1/10th of mustard-seed faith in this area. It's there. I know it's there, but I still get shaken when stuff doesn't work out.

What do I need to do? Realize God has me where He has me both in circumstance and geographical location for His reasons. If I need to leave Fort Collins and go elsewhere, He will work in it. Even if I leave with the attitude of, "Whatever. I'm done trying to fight to stay in Fort Collins. I'm outta here. I'm using my degree in a career-type job and that's my life." God is still sovereign. I might have to eat grass at some point (figuratively speaking) if I held onto that attitude long enough. Or If I leave trusting God has finished the work He has me here in Fort Collins to do and trust He has something for me closer to Mom / Grandma / and my other relatives, I can believe God is sovereign and that His plan will work out. Keeping in mind that God is powerful over His creation ( me included), and all governmental, corporate, economic powers helps me understand that He is ultimately in control and can be trusted with any economic /political /other factors affect my circumstances. Thus, I can say with more and more confidence (as I learn this in a deeper way), "Though the currency devalues, though employment rates do not rise, though economic power shifts from my nation, and the people are overwhelmed with taxes, though our debt to other nations increases, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength and my ultimate worth and value; He makes me feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to continue climbing on the heights." Altered version of Habbakuk 3:17-19.

Endurance

Romans 5:3-5 discusses suffering as it produces endurance, character, and hope in that order because it forces us to cling to the Holy Spirit more. Elsewhere Hebrews 12:1-2 calls us to endure (or persevere in other translations) the race that God has marked out for us and that endurance comes from fixing our eyes on Christ.

I think of endurance a lot with my continued search for full-time work. I would lie if I said that I was unemployed, and at times I am not grateful for the research assistant and call center jobs that I do have. I just want something more. Something in my field that would help me pay off my loans faster, give me full benefits, and be something of a professional job.

It can be easy to fix my eyes on that goal and put my hope in that goal. It can be tempting. I could easily move to Denver after I leave The Rock and join the GCM church there. I could even go to another city and join a church there. But God has called me to be part of the Summitview family. Fixing my eyes on him, arranges my priorities. Yes, I should continue to strive to find a job that will meet my needs, but my focus shouldn't be there. My focus should be on my Provider. He knows my needs and my abilities. He also knows my limitations with my eyes and transportation. I must trust Him first.

If I relied on my own self for endurance and focused on that perfect job for my hope, I would have given up a long time ago. Focusing on God helps me keep on going because I am living in His plan, and ultimately knowing Him better is the prize for finishing.

Understanding Faith & Fear and then Walking in Truth

Thanks to Mitch Majeski's "What Biblical Femininity is Not" talk, I am renewed in thinking about whether I do things out of fear or faith. So often, I have done things out of fear: If I don't do this, such-and-such will happen or If I do this, it will keep such and such from happening. This mindset came from the notions I had grown up seeing modeled and thus picked up into my own world-view that God is there but He is not really close, He sporadically gives good things and often with-holds without reason. I grew up thinking God could not be depended upon for practicals in life. I also grew up with a parent that struggled with insecurity and anxiety, thus that has manifested itself in worry and underlying anxiety. I had thought this was a normal way to live for a long time.

All that changed after I accepted Christ and began (and continue) learning about His character. Now I have the Word to listen to, His promises off of which to base decisions. I can choose to be anxious or trust God. As I learn more about my Creator who is my good Father and perfect Husband, I begin to trust Him more.

This is a good start to walking in faith, however, I can listen to my old worries / fears while simultaneously listening to Truth. This pulls me to a standstill. Both mindsets can't be right; they in fact contradict each other. Trust God or not believe He is good?Rely on myself first or rely on my sovereign Father? Believe what God has called me to do and walk in it or forsake that and do the most practical thing for myself instead?

This conflict came to a head when God wanted me to make some phone calls regarding jobs. I had to make one particular call about a job I had applied to quite a few months ago which I haven't heard back from. Would I live in fear and assume the job had been taken and not call, or would I make the call and trust that God will have the job for me if it is His will? Was I making the job an idol? If so, would God withhold it because I had? Had God abandoned me, or does He have something for me that I have yet to see? I put all these questions to rest by re-reading Philippians 4:6-7 and praying about all these things. In the peace of Christ, I made the call. I chose to put my faith in God instead of let fear take over. I had to leave a message, but I indicated my interest in the position and for someone to let me know if it was filled or not.

Whether I get the position or not is honestly secondary when I think of this phone call. This call stands as God's victory over my fears, and I know that will resonate into eternity. That is what ultimately matters.

Learning the Impossible

I am learning the impossible. That is, to have joy even though I do not have full-time work.

This morning I was reminded how easy it is to be derailed. I was doing well for a while to place my joy in Christ during this time, but I had a stressing-out attack last night which resulted in me feeling crappy this morning which resulted in me not being able to hang out with some little Summitview people whom I'm getting to know and like :)

I just had an interview. Did forget to read the job description prior to coming (WHOOPS!) and I looked back at the CSU jobs I have applied for, and one starts in November. I am somewhat qualified and could probably do it, but I know that there are others who could do a better job. Another is my mystery job. As in, I have not gotten a call and they were still looking through things a month ago.

I was tempted to start focusing on job stuff right after my interview, but God wanted me to take time and write my thoughts, lest I get all pent up and have another stressing-out moment. Headaches remind me that a job is not worth getting an aneurysm over it.

Here are my thoughts:
If I do not believe God is good and perfectly sovereign, I can think He is holding out on me, I am somehow being punished by being without a full-time job, and I think that He made a mistake by having me stay in Fort Collins.

If I do believe He is sovereign and good, I know He has a job out there somewhere for me. I know He will use my gifts in the arena He chooses. I know this waiting time is for a purpose of growing closer to Him. I know that every interview, even if it fails, is for a purpose. I know He rewards my faith, I know that this life is not the end, and any disappointment I experience through this pales in comparison to the glory of seeing Him and having Him tell this story from His end in heaven.

Where do I choose? If God is not good it manifests in my staying up and can't sleep, getting irritated, stressed out, and moody. If I believe God is good, I feel peace. The trick is coming close to God first when I deal with my job stuff.

I know that. Theologically. I know that. However, I have 23 years of someone else and the world teaching me otherwise. God undoes all that slowly. Every time I come to Him, I feel more peace, less anxious. God began this in El Paso, and I do believe He wants to see this until completion. When I can truly say 'This job is not my god because I trust fully in God as my God and provider.' God has victory and I have victory over this fear. Theologically, and now in my heart, I can say that is worth it. I pray that it continues, because only He can make this state of my heart continue.l