Cussing out the Proper Spiritual Authorities

Note: I usually don't post my raw thoughts, but I just had to let this one go because honestly, there is no cleaning up certain situations. Pain hurts and pain sucks, but even when I am pissed beyond acceptable language, I can still honestly see God, and that's why I'm sharing these thoughts with the blogsphere.

I AM SUPER F-ING PISSED RIGHT NOW! Like SERIOUSLY???? Ok, my aunt who has down syndrome and who has been at times like a big sister, at times like a younger close cousin to me, at times like my favorite client, just went to the doctor and was told she had a 6 inch mass in her abdomen. 
LIKE SERIOUSLY??? Who the hell thought, "Oh, let's give a lady with down syndrome a tumor RIGHT when she's about to move in with one of her best friends into a new apartment and when she's trying to help her mom who has osteoarthritis??" And also, WHAT THE F!! My family lost an uncle to cancer. and whoever it is, if you remember THAT WAS HER F-ING BROTHER WHO DIED FROM CANCER and SHE BETTER NOT BE NEXT!!!!!  F THIS CANCER AND F THIS SICKNESS AND F ALL THIS PAIN AND SOMEONE'S GONNA BURN IN HELL FOR A LONG F ING TIME FOR ALL THIS!!

Like, my anger is truly real, and I was totally cussing out - well someone - in my head. Like, I don't cuss much (even though some of my paralegal friends drop s and f bombs on a regular basis) but anger was my first reaction. 

Unfortunately, I first started cussing out God like, "Ok, I know You have a plan for this buddy, but WHAT THE F!?!?!" Honestly, this can be a valid mistake for people. Because when I found out that my uncle was sick in 2005, my grandpa had a stroke in 2006, and tonight that my aunt has a tumor, I wanted to find some supernatural power and kick it in the nuts and make it hurt for somehow being sovereign over all this earth and letting these things happen. Because IT HURTS. It's just a natural reaction to want to make someone pay for suffering. Even that thought: that people understand there's a true good and a true bad means that SOMEONE created these standards, therefore, there is SOMETHING out there. Of course, the God of the Bible has proved Himself through Creation and through the Word and through Christ. He's proven that yes. There is a good. God is good. He is good. And Satan rebelled bringing evil into the world. That is why there is suffering. Satan is the ultimate cause of all this pain: Everything from Cain killing Abel, Eve getting deceived, Adam not manning up and standing up for her, and all the divorce and child abuse and war and genocide and starvation and class warfare and selfishness and persecution of God's people and sickness and disabilities and cancer and - ALL THIS F ING PAIN IS CAUSED BY SATAN!  Nope not God. If we don't understand the Christian worldview and we believe God is a mix of good and bad instead of the perfect just and loving God that redeems His people from a fallen world, we WILL shake our fist at Him for suffering, because we just want a supernatural being to PAY for ALL THE SUFFERING EVER, especially when it touches us personally. 

Did I cuss Satan out in my head? Oh, yes I did. Yeah, I sure did. And I was thinking, "AND I AM SO F -ING GLAD, SATAN YOU ARE TRULY HONESTLY GONNA BURN AND ROT IN HELL FOR A LONG LONG LONG LONG TIME AND YOU WILL GET YOU ASS HANDED TO YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY BECAUSE YOU CAUSED SO MUCH PAIN AND SO MANY TEARS AND SO MUCH - AAAGH! YOU WILL F - ING BURN!!!!"

Then I realized, "God, I truly do thank You that we don't have to go around like, 'pain is really nothing la la la,' and brush it under the rug and put on so-called rose colored glasses, but we can fess up like, 'GOD THIS F ING SUCKS AND THIS IS ALL F ING SATAN'S FAULT!' because God is sick of this sht too. That's why He's going to judge the world. 

Then I was humbled thinking, "Oh crap. Obviously I've sinned too. Yeah, I deserve to burn, and apart from Christ, I'm just as screwed as the rest of the world." Then I was like, "Grace is seriously epic." Like that sentence doesn't even capture the epicness of God because God rescueing even 1 person from this crappy pisshole of a world that is just as defiled and covered in filth is mind blowing and He is rescuing THOUSANDS of people EVERY DAY and He is not going to stop until He gets people from EVERY SINGLE NATION IN THIS PAIN-FILLED WORLD. THAT is the reason no human being can EVER fathom that, and that is what the Apostle Paul writes over and over in his letters. 

If there was not a good sovereign God who has through Christ defeated Satan and defeated sin and death and sickness (including cancer and tumors), there would seriously be no hope at all. This is the light in this onslaught of pain and anger and crap, and this is the light and hope I hold onto so I can trust God and be real with Him and connect with Him through all this. 

Joy in a dark day

This is an excerpt from a Google Document that I created around 12:30pm. 


I woke up at 5:18. Mom woke me up telling me about a shooting at a movie theater. I lay back down because I didn’t want to get up right away. I guess I was in shock. Or dazed. I wanted to believe it was a dream, but I heard the news commentator on TV and I knew it wasn’t a dream. So I got up. And watched the news. For a while. Then I went back to bed. I rationally knew it wasn’t a dream, yet I knew that I wanted it to be.

I could forget about it going to my renal ultrasound. But the lady behind me and Mom started talking about the Columbine shooting. I wanted to put my hands over my ears, but I had to check in. I wasn’t really interested much in the magazine I was looking at. I guess thinking about the scan and then the news.


Inside the quiet room, I could have time to pray. I heard the whooshing of my own blood in my arteries. The reality that for 14 people, their hearts were stopped, for others, they lost blood, it brought it home to me. I want to cry. I might cry even though I’m meeting with Abra. She’ll understand. I think we will have fun. I’m grateful for her being there and coming to Denver today. I won’t have to stay at home and watch the news. And it will be less bad.

I don’t like thinking about all the other bad stuff I’ve hard about. This brings those back. But God has healed me from that. With that knowledge, I sincerely pray for those in Aurora affected by the trauma both at risk for primary and secondary PTSD. I know God can heal them even though it takes a lot of pain and crying and revisiting the event over and over. He can heal them because I know He has healed me.

Later on today I indeed met with my friend Abra for lunch and an afternoon of hanging out.

Yay for Abra and I :)

We walked around shops and a park filled with flowers and did lots of giggling and hugging while we caught up on life. We played some games in the library to keep cool and even got to hug a giant caterpillar! 


 I liked that part of the day. Even then, there were times when the sadness of the movie theater shooting entered my head. Yet with my friend giggling next to me and reminiscing about fun times we had when we were both part of Summitview kept me in a good mood. 


The sadness hit me again when I went with my mom to dinner. As I sat down with my salad, I realized that tonight, 12 people would not be sitting down to eat as we were. I wanted to cry, but we were in a restaurant. 


Whenever I'd get sad throughout the day, I would pray for the people more directly affected by the shooting. Currently I'm listening to some Stephen Curtis Chapman. The music is relaxing, and the Truth of a God who is merciful and in control is comforting. 


I realized that God was teaching a lesson to have me experience giggles as well as sadness all in one day. 
God is the giver of Joy. He gives friends, He smiles when we smile. His love is shown when His people fellowship (and act silly). He Himself as Christ has also been wounded by this broken world. God will redeem the broken world. And God holds us when we cry when the world makes us hurt. I experienced both joy and sadness today. In both, I saw and acknowledged God. 

When I can't hold back the tears

I had another turning into a giant teardrop at the Firehouse prayer meeting last Sunday when I brought up the little Summitview girl I know named Esther who has cancer.  Tonight I almost started crying in a restaurant when I remembered eating dinner with the family and I think Esther sat with my friends and I. She was a cutie eating her dinner with hands like a typical 12 month old. She would smile at us and my friends and I replied with an uber girly "Aaaaaw!!!" 


She was also at my friend's bridal shower. She and her twin sister Zinnia were talking about how they ate their cup-cakes "all gone." They were dressed like princesses and looked so ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!! 


I wondered, "Why are you such a giant tear drop?" Several years ago, my uncle had cancer, and I cried about it for obvious reasons. Esther is not my second cousin or related to me in any way. Yet, her mom is in my close circle of friends, and I have taught her sisters in Sunday School. So it makes logical sense that I would be close to her. 


There are times when I can think about Esther's situation completely logically and in a distant clinical way. Yet when her cute little face pops up into my memory, I begin crying. For my ASD brain, that's a little weird and unpredictable, because for me, my emotions have to have a rational basis for me to make sense of them. But I remind myself that tears mean that Esther has worked her way into my heart. More accurately, God has allowed me to care about her more than I think I even realize when I just sit and think about it. 


So what do I do when I become a giant teardrop? I just remind myself that even though it sometimes happens at odd intervals, the tears a reminder that God has allowed me to love little Esther and her family. The tears are also a reminder to go to God who is the comforter of my soul. 

Divorce is SCARY!

I'm working on my handout for Intro to Law where a group of us are doing an overview presentation on Family Law. Since many clients of family lawyers deal with divorce, we are focusing on the divorce process. 

DIVORCE IS SCARY!!!!! 

I just want to say that right here right now!!! 

Um..... Katie, you're not even married yet. 

Yes, I know but I'm reminded of how I can get really scared when I think about marriage!!!!!!!! 

Of course, it would be nice to be married, but there's the possibility of it ending prematurely. What if hubby dies on me or what if he cheats on me, or what if he up and leaves me? That would fall in the realm of NOT COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Divorce is also scary because there's a whole mess of issues to deal with such as visitation, allocation of parental responsibility (custody), division of assets, division of property and then usually the woman (with joint or full custody) has to re-enter the workforce or somehow find a way to be promoted if she is working full time because now she's the sole earner of the household with children. Sure, she has child support and/or alimony, but still. 

Now that is why I want to hold onto my job and am reluctant to just up and quit if I have kids. Because of my fear of the 'what if I can't get employed again and I really really need to??' That's also why I wouldn't mind being single. I wouldn't have to worry about the 'what if he dies or leaves me and I'm all alone and what do I do now??' 

That's not to say there are NO what-ifs in the single world. There are. What if I get laid off, what if my roommate walks out on our lease, what if the bus wraps itself around a tree and nearly crushes little me - who will take care of me then? 

But I think the greater fear is that I don't want to entrust myself to someone else only to get hurt. I can argue that dividing up assets and custody would be no fun and that's why divorce scares me, but the above reason is the real reason why it scares me. A lot of it comes from being raised to never really trust men, but some of it comes from knowing both Christian and non-Christian couples that have divorced, so I know it can happen to anyone. 

Here's the question though: if I entrust myself FIRSTLY to God, then, He's the main that that has my back. Even if I get married, He's the main one I can trust with assets, property, children, etc. So if hubby croaks  or otherwise leaves, yes it would be difficult - very difficult, but if my trust is in God, I can be afflicted but not crushed, preplexed, but not driven to despair, struck down but not destroyed, because my hope and joy is in the life of Christ (2 cor 4). 

In this, though I don't like reading about divorce, that fear doesn't have to paralyze me 

Hurting for a Little Person

Yesterday at church, I turned into a GIANT TEARDROP when I was talking to this girl Emily who's a nurse at University of Colorado Hospital. I asked her if the pediatric oncology program was comparable to the adult oncology in terms of their research. When she asked why I said, "Well because.... [insert me as a giant tear drop] this little girl at Summitview needs to go to Children's to be treated for cancer. [more of me being a giant tear drop]" Thankfully Emily said that the pediatric cancer program is very rigorous in their research and the whole oncology program is very good and works together well. That gave me hope for this little lady.  

Yeah. I read on my friend's blog post about it. That made me very very very VERY (did I say very) sad because I've been a Sunday school teacher for this little girl's older sisters, and my friends know the family very well. I've been to their house several times, and this little girl has been at my friends' weddings, bridal showers, and other events. I've had moments this week and last week when I would cry :( :( :( Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that something like this would happen to the family my friends and I (and all of Summitview) absolutely adores. 

:'''''''''''''''''( 

Yet what is super-encouraging about all this is how this little girl's mother is dealing with it. Even though her daughter has recently been diagnosed with cancer, 

She continually points to the sovereignty, goodness, and sustaining grace of their Creator Savior, and God. 

This is a gift. This little girl will see her mother's faith as they endure her sickness. I believe this little girl will pray with her mother when she is ill and her mother will remind her of the promises of her Savior through it all. 

This is an incredible gift at such a young age. For a little person to be made aware of the reality of who her God is during a health-crisis will continue to affect her development profoundly as she grows. 

Even though I'm a giant tear drop because I wish this little girl didn't have to endure a major medical crisis - cancer - and all that comes along with it, I realize how incredibly blessed she is to have a family that will love her and continually point her to Christ during this time. 

Snake Games in The Seam

Appalachian Mountains from Google Images

 Yesterday at the Denver Firehouse, Rich showed us a video (linked in the blog previous to this) about a church in West Virginia where the congregation handles snakes among other things as proof that they know Jesus. 


I giggled in my head while thinking, "Wow! That's District 12's area called The Seam!" because that's what the region is called in The Hunger Games and I'm a fan of those books hehehe! 


Anyway, at first I thought, "Haaa haaaa haaaa - oh, the crazy Seam people!!" but then I thought, "Whoa - hey, that's not too compassionate :P" 


Was I thinking I was so intellectually awesome because I read the ESV and I have a Bachelor's degree and these people probably only had a high-school degree at the most and so that's why they still took those verses in Mark 16 literally and didn't think critically about it? Or was I thinking: I hope that these people understand that they are saved by grace through faith and not of any performance of some death-defying miracle involving snakes or poison? 

I had to admit that my first reaction was, I'm so much more intellectually awesome than they are! Whoops! But the miraculous thing is that God changed the way my brain worked. Figuratively, I had been drinking the poison of pride in my intellect / knowledge for as long as I could remember when I became Chrisitian. The fact that God reminded me to have compassion on that congregation in West Virginia instead of intellectually sticking my little nose up at them is miraculous and a sign of true transformation by my Savior :) 


When I realized that God had to change my way of thinking to see this group of people rightly, I began praying for them: God, I pray the people in that congregation in West Virginia truly understand the Gospel - not so that their church will stop being a circus and source of ridicule of Christians by to non-Christians - but so they can truly know Christ and eternal life! I pray that they are transformed by the Gospel and their sign of Christ isn't holding a snake, but showing compassion by holding a neighbor's hand in need and holding out the Gospel to their little region of Appalachia. Amen

Not so radical after all

At Summitview, Mitch showed this video  before the message as it was Missions Weekend. He talked about some initiatives Summitview was starting to continue supporting individuals we knew in other countries that were working to spread the Gospel. 


I've been thinking about this video for the whole day. Because right now I really want to get my career on. It's been long enough after graduating in 2009. Sure I've had jobs related to my major, but they didn't necessarily require a bachelor's degree much less a master's degree to do. 


What dictated my career so far has been a) my inability to drive since that disqualified me for a lot of jobs that I would have otherwise gotten easily. The other factor that influenced my career decision was my decision to stay in Fort Collins because God had led me to stay there after graduation to be a part of Summitview. 


I honestly feel like it's my turn to call the shots. I've put off a career long enough. Moving to Denver is also beneficial because I can be closer to my mom and be an example of Christ to her, my aunt, and my grandma. That is something I am also genuinely excited about. But I am also excited about FINALLY getting access to some decent jobs. I've been applying to some that sound promising. If I got a nice job along with a nice apartment on a bus-line, I wouldn't complain :) If I lived with a bunch of other single ladies from the Denver church (that was started by some Summitview people), that would be even better. I am excited to maybe do some volunteering with Alternatives Pregnancy Center or a like agency once I get to Denver and get a schedule figured out with paralegal school + a potential job. I'm also really looking forward to getting back into Children's Minstry :) 


But am I super-radical like David Platt's video calls me to be? Nope. I'll be the first to admit it. He would ask me, is using my degree in a nice career of ultimate importance in the grand eternal scheme of things?? Is having a nice high-rise apartment on a bus line the most important thing? Are all these things ultimately worth pursuing?  


The first answer I'd give him which is partially tongue in cheek would be, "Well you see, Dave, that would make my mom immensely happy to see that her daughter has made it." Yeah, I'd be satisfied knowing that Mom would be at peace knowing I had made it if I had a nice career and such. 


But of course, it's God's opinion that matters. He made Mom, myself, this world, and He is the sovereign ruler and redeemer over it all. Obviously, if He thinks it's important that I have these things, I should have them. But if He thinks I am better off and if His goals are more suited such that I do not get these things, I should agree with Him on that line. 


The trouble is, I don't. I, like many people, want to be respected for being successful, and I want to feel like I contributed well to society. Contributed well, to me on a merely earthly perspective means using my talents and skills in the workforce to their fullest extent to help society progress. 


This video we watched shook me today because I realized I can be in very real danger of loosing my eternal perspective on my career. Even if I worked at minimal wage jobs, but yet God used that to bring people to Himself through the Gospel, my life would have an eternal impact. Even if I got my career for a little bit and gave it up to raise children who know Christ and are confident of sharing Christ with others, my life would also have an eternal impact. Finally if, by God's grace, I get a nice career and stay in the workforce for a long time in the private sector or going back into academia, my resume won't eternally matter. What will matter is how many people I reached for Christ in these contexts. I pray and need to always pray for this perspective no matter where God directs my career path. Because the lives touched through that trajectory rather than my accomplishments and my monetary reward will ultimately matter. 


God, please help me believe that. Help those in my demographic believe that as well!!! Thank You for saving me from utter selfishness, because without You, that's all I would have to drive my aspirations. Thank You! I pray that the kids going on missions as teens this summer will gain this eternal perspective to allow them to reach others in college and as they start their adult lives! Amen :) 

This is a real child

This is a picture of Caylee Anthony - as posted by Fox News. Today I read news articles on the verdict of her mother Casey Anthony's trial. She was found not-guilty for this child's murder.

The thing that hurts more than the fact that someone could have gotten away with her murder is the media frenzy and public eye frenzy regarding her murder.

This is a real child. If she came into my world, she would probably be in the 2.5 year old room at Summitview, maybe a bit clingy to her mother or grandmother as they pinned the plastic visitor nametag on her back. If she liked reading, she might calm down in my lap or a helper's lap if we offered to read her a book. She probably drank milk in that sippy cup in her picture, and maybe was to the age where she could try and drink out of 'grown-up' cups. She probably threw tantrums in Target or the grocery store, but she also probably was proud of pictures she could draw with big crayons.

In a news report I read, people flocked to the court-room to watch and people even traveled from out of state to listen to the trial live. It makes me feel sad, and sometimes it even makes me feel angry if I think too much about people forgetting that behind the evidence, behind the anticipation of wondering whether Casey Anthony was guilty, there is a child. There was a child.

Little Caylee will never learn to write her name. She may have learned the alphabet and count, but she will never learn to read or do basic math. She will never grow up to fit in a grown-up chair or drink from a grown-up cup  consistently. She may have dreamed about being a princess and dressed up as one, but she will never go to prom or a school dance. She will always be 2, but she will never grow up and develop to achieve the dreams her grandparents or even her mother may have had for her. She's gone and someone may have murdered her and now gotten away with it. I don't know how many people will remember this in all the hype and that makes me sad.

God, I want to run away!!!!

Long time no blog.... Well, not EXACTLY true, I do have a draft, but it always seems to be pushed to the back of the to do list....


Anyhoo, recently, I've told God that I want to run away. 


Huh? 


Well, for starters, I'm (hopefully) starting up at a NEW GROUP HOME! Yeah... For various reasons, I've left the old one. 

For a while all I had was my call-center job. I call it my 'crap' job when I don't feel very grateful for it. Thanks Google Images for finding the perfect picture for how I feel sometimes... 


Even if I get this new job, I'll still have two part-time jobs that I am still pretty overqualified for... Because I still put so much identity in my job (working on getting my identity elsewhere... we'll get to that) and because my mom will only believe (for now) that God is good when I get a full-time job in my field and will not be in debt. 


I have also been searching for a job  - ahem - a "real" job for over a year now. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I just want to "slam the door" on God and not talk to Him and just walk off and find a job all by my onesie since sometimes I feel like He's not helping anyway... It's one of those if God is the one ultimately responsible for where I go in life, and if I want to go to point A, but God is holding me back, then I must walk away from God and walk to point A on my own. In short, I want to run away and find a 'big girl' job on my own.  

I can pretend that God isn't real, however, here's the problem: If God is sovereign over every single life whether that person acknowledges His presence or not, and if God directs everyone's path whether we are aware of it or not (Acts 17), than logically, I cannot ignore God if He indeed has shown Himself to me through some form of communication. He has revealed Himself through The Bible, Creation, and His Spirit (personal connection). 


There is a reason I put a picture of a little person in this blog. Other than the fact it's sort of cute, it makes a point: Me 'running away' and pretending that God is not good and thinking I can get what I want on my own is like a child running away from his parents thinking he can get what he wants without them. 

This actually happened two weeks ago in Children's Ministry. One of my little guys wasn't having fun in the classroom, so he was about ready to make a run for it. Well, what would be bad about him roaming the halls of Summitview? Well, for practical purposes, if he fell, got hurt, got lost, etc. I would have a harder time tracking him down and getting to him. If he fell down in the classroom, he has three adults to help him versus if he fell down on a deserted stairway. And also, if he's alone, he isn't building a good relationship with his little classmates or with his teachers. Keeping him in the classroom is best so he can build beneficial relationships with people that want to influence his life in a positive way and teach him good things. Luckily our faithful Children's Ministry director was there and gave him a good talking-to as he was about to escape. He came back (sulking a bit), but brightened up with one of the helpers got him into building with blocks. 


I think God brings this image to mind because there are similar parallels. I could suddenly stop talking to God and try and find a 'real' job on my own - without praying to Him, without seeking advice from friends that believe in Him. I could move to a different city where my job would be and never find a new church group errantly thinking God let me down the last time. But I wouldn't have God warning me of spiritual danger, I wouldn't have God watching my behavior and correcting my habits as The Great Interventionist / Father / Teacher. Therefore, I'd 'fall' and I would probably wait a while before calling on God to help me. Most importantly, if I up and stopped talking to God and letting that relationship deepen, I'd miss out on what He had to teach me and remind me that He ultimately has good for me. 


Dear God,
I know sometimes I want my real job, and sometimes I feel like You don't want to give it to me. But I know it's not because I'm a bad girl because You paid for my sins on the cross. Sometimes I want to run away and not talk to You because I don't think You're giving me what I want. But I know it would be bad for me - Your child - to never talk to You again to run away from my 'spiritual home' so to speak.  So, God, I'm sorry for the times I have gotten mad at You. I'm thankful for the job You've given me and the things You're teaching me now. 


Thank You for prompting me and gently whispering: I have good for you right here. Please stay and talk to Me. 


Amen :) 

What if it was more than a love tap?

The most random incidents get you thinking about life, I realized today...

So, I was "love-tapped" by a truck as I was walking to Rite-Aid. Yes. Big truck, little me. Luckily, a) the truck was in the driveway and was just going along and b) I was walking b/c pedestrians had the right away and the driver was looking the other way before pulling out & didn't realize I was still partially in front of her vehicle until she heard the squeak of terror from me. She bumped my left side and it hurt for like a few seconds, but I was ok :) I waved to her to let her know that I was ok. 

Anyway, I'm sure it's happened to a bunch of people before, but I did think: Wow, what would've happened if she was barreling out of the driveway and instead of giving me a love-tap, she made a Katie-pancake? 



Well, first of all, I would've beat Dr. Grandin to heaven (assuming she comes to know Christ at some point)  which is sort of weird to think about because she's old. 
Second of all, I am glad that I have an app in my phone that lets me put in my emergency contact information. 
Third of all, it would be sort of ironic for my doctors since I was just at an appointment.... 


I think what naturally happens after a true brush with death or a 'wow, that could've been a brush with death if the circumstances were different' is we don't take life for granted. Even the small things like being able to dig into a bowl of yummy cookies and cream ice-cream after coming home from a warm walk :) 


As I ate my ice-cream, I thought about it further: How would my life be summed up today? I am a 27 year old Human Development and Family Studies grad who has worked at a group home and a call-center, is a pre-k coordinator at Summitview, a part of Team Ninja in Symbio, and a resident in The Quad. I also have a nerdy-crush on a certain CSU professor and I enjoy flowers, stuffed animals, and cute things. At some point, I want to get a PhD in something and I'm about ready to start some occupational therapy (OT) prerequisites. 


This is the sum of my life so far. From a mere earthly perspective, I'm an average - ok, physically shorter than average person who's trying to get her career going and is a Christian who's involved in her church. If one digs deeper, they realize I'm a person on the spectrum who's trying to go somewhere using another exponentially more well known spectrumite's life as a guide. 


If I was turned into a Katie-pancake today, what would remain of my life? Well, my thesis got published, so I would have made it into the PsychInfo database as first author!! :D I also am third author on my advisor and her post-doc's publication. There would be this blog that would be here on the interwebs and there would be pictures of me that my friends have and that I have on this computer. At Summitview, there would be several groups of little people that would remember me as one of their Sunday school or AWANA teachers. I think that last contribution would be something I'd look down and smile about because of my HDFS interventionist side. The fact that I got to influence the next generation as a single person is nice :) 


What would be my eternal impact? To put it more accurately, what would I look back at my life and say, "God, thank You for using me here on earth." ? Probably the first thing I would thank Him for would be His using me to teach little people about Himself :) And the second thing would be Him using me to love people with significant disabilities at the group home. And the third thing would be "Thank You for using me to reaching my family, the CSU campus, and the Fort Collins community in the little ways You've used me." 


The weird thing to think about now is that even if I ended today going splat, my life would have some sort of eternal impact. 


The cool thing and convicting thing is that I didn't end my life as a Katie-pancake today. I have more days. God, I thank You that though my current professional status isn't much, and I'm a pretty average person and definitely not normal, You still use little me for eternity. God, help me live in light of what counts and help me not to take life for granted. Help me live for You because honestly, I really don't know how long You have me here. Thanks for not making a Katie pancake out of me today!!!!!!! :D 

And off the ivory pedestal she goes!

Wednesday and Thursday were Katie's Nerdfest days haha! I went to the Transition and Transformation symposium at CSU that was on students with ASD and their needs in a university setting. It was definitely very interesting! 


What I regret was that I saw Dr. Temple Grandin 3 times and never once did I have the nerve to even say hi :( It wasn't as much "Aw, bummer, I didn't get to tell her she did a great job." as much it was "Oh bummer, this whole having her on a pedestal in my mind has affected me much much more than I had ever imagined." I'm sure my friends would say, "Yes, Katie. SURPRISE! We knew that... for a long long long long (long) time." Well... SURPRISE!!!!!!! You guys were right (if you are reading this). 


God used that morning to show me that this whole putting her on a pedestal thing was becoming maladaptive. I realize that a lot of people would get shy around celeberties or highly regarded people in their field or in a prominent position (like politics). The reason it was maladaptive for me is because it hindered otherwise normal interactions that should've happened that God could've used. 


Well, after a day or so of examining it, I have come to realize this: I believed for so long that her life existed on a completely different level and reality than the average spectrumite (me included) experienced that there was no possible way that we could really sincerely connect other than on a distant way where she was on a stage behind a lecturn against the backdrop of a power-point presentation. 


Yes, she should definitely be respected for her expertise in her field and her contributions to autism research :) But I would be mistaken if her renowned professor /author / researcher was her sole identity and experience in life. In reality, she wakes up every morning and gets breakfast and decides what to wear (though her closet contents are definitely DEFINITELY unique) and then thinks about her workday or travel assignment or whatever she has to do that day. She's probably had awkward moments with her co-workers like all of us spectrumites have and when she's bored, she looks at stuff in her special interest. On Wednesday she said that she looked at how the nuclear power plant issue in Japan could've been solved when she couldn't sleep. When I'm bored, sometimes I read or go for a walk, but sometimes I do stuff in my own special interests just like she does :) Work can probably get overwhelming, especially at book signings for her, probably. Work can get overwhemling for me, especially when multiple clients struggle with their behaviors simultaneously. 


Each day for both of us has its challenges and successes, and each day, we are given grace to function and interact with the NT (neurotypical) world that sees things differently than us. 


So what's the conclusion? She's not on an ivory pedestal telling us spectrumites what to do from this whole other dimension of functioning.  To use an analogy close to her world, she's like an equine trail guide who's on the similar type of horse we are. We can go up to her and ask questions and she can ride back to others in the line and help them along. Yes she has experience and training to serve as our guide, but we must remember that  she's riding along with us also. 


With this newfound and much more realistic picture, I hope that one day if we meet again, we can interact as fellow people on the journey and through that, God can reveal that He is available to guide all of us :)

An eternal perspective on the earthquake in Japan

Our Summitview pastor Mitch has done a really great job of posting summary, Biblical response, and resources for us to help the people of Japan in his blog. He is a much better writer than I as well :) 


Anyway, once again, God taught me things that I at first thought were random but then realized were actually connected. I realize I'm a pattern thinker - not necessarily a visual pattern thinker the way Dr. Grandin sometimes implies when she shows a complicated Oragami folding pattern when she talks about pattern thinking. I get more conceptual maps - anyway... when I think about the earthquake in Japan on a personal or global level, I must have an eternal perspective. 


For two days I wondered how one of my HDFS friends who was from Japan was doing. We worked on a end of semester project together. Unlike two other girls I know from Japan, she had not posted anything on her Facebook page about the earthquake. Also, people had written on her wall and she had not responded. I started to get worried. I didn't want to think about the worst happening, but I knew I had to at some point. It was easier for me to imagine her doing double-overtime at a hospital as a child-life specialist or being stuck at home with no internet or TV than it was to imagine her stuck under rubble or stuck out at sea or something worse. I wrote her an email and asked friends if they had heard from her. 


This afternoon, I finally had to settle with the reality that she might have been gone. That hurt. A lot. I felt a crushing feeling in my heart and in my head. I had memories in my head of us working on that paper together and sitting in class together. I also had memories of her graduation. I had to contend with how I would cope if she was indeed gone forever. The first thing that came to my head was the complicated grief literature. There are different issues and more of a chance of unresolved or complicated grief that come with family or friends who cope with a missing person. I was trying to remember where I put my grief / loss textbook so I could look that information up. Then I felt God prodding around in my intellectual corner of my brain. "Katie, you need more than that textbook." I knew God wanted me to come to Him with my feelings and with my fears of, "God, how will I handle it if my friend was lost in the earthquake?" Tears came to my eyes. I could call Summitview and see if one of the pastors is around. But first God wanted to hear it from me. God, I know You have been good to my friend - bringing her to the US and letting her get her degree here. I know You have given her every chance to know You. You are glorified in her life no matter what, and I know You will help me deal with things if she's not here. God, I need Your help to deal with any grief issues. 


As I had that settled in my head and wondered what was going to happen, I got an email from our mutual friend: SHE'S OK! SHE WORKS IN THE SOUTH PART OF THE COUNTRY! She just doesn't have electricity with the craziness that's going on. I was most DEFINITELY  RELIEVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) I could've asked God why He couldn't have allowed me to know that SOONER, but I think He wanted me to go through that whole process of trusting Him and believing He is good even while preparing for potentially bad news. He wanted me to keep an eternal perspective - an eternal hope for me to hold onto in case I had a physically real loss. 


Later tonight, my roommate shared that her friend had posted Luke 21:10 - 11 with a note that the World Trade Center / Pentagon attacks were on September 11, the Haiti earthquake was on January 11, and this latest earthquake in Japan was March 11. Odd and definitely getting into the realm of it being less probable that it was random, but I'm guessing there's still some wiggle room for randomness. Yet even here I go imagining plugging data into SPSS and somehow generating a printout that shows, "Well, it's ALMOST p>.05 that this came out that way, but you know, you can't reject the null hypothesis of randomness completely." I'd like that, though. I'd like somehow a nice little statistical table showing whether these things truly are 'chance' or whether God is deliberately creating a pattern or not. 


Well, why do I get unsettled when I ponder if God IS setting all this up and when I think about "What if the end times ARE coming soon?" Part of it is a carry-over from my childhood where I was terrified of God coming back because I wasn't ready for heaven because I didn't know Jesus. Another part of it is that it shatters my notion of life as I know it. There's a comfort in a waking up and going to work / church / activities and even a comfort in dealing with 'normal' daily hassles. It's just part of life. Yes, the end - the FINAL end of the world would mean no more sickness/disease/death/suffering/hardship and mean an eternal party with Jesus, but unfortunately we have to go through super hard probably unpredictable stuff here first. 


Ok so... what if the earthquake in Japan is a sign that God is up to something? How should I pray? Well, first of all, I should pray for the nations so that more people know Jesus :) He's invited TONS of people from EVERY NATION to His eternal party so, might as well tell people :) Second of all, I should pray that believers' faith is strengthened. This is something I've been praying for people in Japan - that they have an understanding of God as their secure anchor even though the earth literally gave way. Wow, that will be an intense testimony from those people!!!! Second of all, I should pray that myself and others maintain the eternal perspective of  'possible pending doom aka end of the world chaos' that God is good, He is in control, and He has our best as Believers and He has given others who don't know Him yet every opportunity to come to know Him. This eternal perspective can be my anchor through potentially huge nation/societal shifts just like it would've been my anchor had I found out bad news about my friend. 


Having God as an anchor to all of our souls can get us through physical earthquakes, potential personal losses, and larger upheavals in life. It is definitely a relief and I have seen it slowly replace fear I have had with a sure hope. I pray that many people in Japan and around the world come to this same hope in Christ as well! 

6 months since my life changed forever: Work and what I want to do when I grow up

First of all: 
OH MY GOODNESS THE BLOG LOOKS DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just thought I'd say that since I know that's what people will think if they are used to the old format. Well, I added the followers gadget and a search the blog gadget & apparently Blogspot has had updated templates for a while. Well, new year, new DECADE - new blog layout? 


Now onto the intended content: 


I thought I'd go a bit more in depth about how realizing I have an ASD has changed my life in several different areas just because it's nice for me to see and because it just shows how much I had to re-think my identity, but also how having an underlying trust in God in all these areas made this shift so much easier.


I went into HDFS because as a pediatrician, it would be nice to know about child development. I wanted to be a pediatrician so I could eventually work with and treat kids who were adopted that had attachment and/or development and/or sensory integration issues. Contrary to popular belief, I didn't chose HDFS because cute kids automatically made me eeek. In fact, my mom has a picture of me holding my second cousin with this look on my face like, "Oh dear God, help me hold this kid because I don't want to drop her and I'm not used to being around kids!!" 


I had to grow into working well with kids. I had to grow into working well with people too. In retrospect, if I was in Temple Grandin's words, "an anthropologist from Mars" when it came to figuring out people and social situations, studying HDFS made it a bit easier. 


Why do I start out with this? Because I was always bothered by the fact  that the book-learning about development didn't necessarily translate into being able to handle interactions. For example: most people felt at home in the early-childhood classroom at the lab school at CSU and would feel at home in the Summitview nursery when they volunteered. For me, I could talk nicely to the kids and do basic stuff like remembering to get down at eye-level and explain things so they could understand, but I always felt like I was going at it firstly from an intellectual rather than an emotional standpoint. God gets infinite points (well, first because He's GOD) for helping me open my emotions to these kids that He allowed me to help. I think one of the reasons it was hard for me to open my emotions up was because if I felt the attachment a caregiver feels for his or her child, I would begin to miss the attachment I needed to feel growing up. In fact, I felt a sense of sadness when we discussed optimal parent-child interactions in class because I knew it wasn't like that for me growing up. 


Anyway, as I got further into working in HDFS, I realized that a lot of people assume that people with an HDFS degree are naturally good at helping people and don't expect a person who does attachment work to put her foot in her mouth while at her internship. Well, during my summer internship in grad school, I ended up with foot-in-mouth syndrome a few times. Thankfully, God gave me grace & my supervisor understanding :) But still, I think that was a shock to both of us. Even in other things like doing research, I had some difficulties actually interacting with the team. That was always weird to me. Also, I could observe parent-child interactions, but it took me a bit longer to pick up on cues. My advisor always seemed to point out little things I missed, and it took a lot out of me to observe that keenly. 


Finding out I had an ASD made all of that make sense!!!! FINALLY! Yes, I can still teach kids on a limited basis, yes I can still do research, yes I can still work with a team, but it is more challenging than it would be for most people in the HDFS world. They only have to study interactions for research purposes. I have to study interactions all the time just to avoid foot-in-mouth syndrome or other things. Unfortunately, this means that some jobs in my field might not be good for me. I thought about maybe going back and getting a Marriage and Family Therapy degree, but I know that reading client's feelings closely as well as analytically figuring out their problems would be a lot for me. Also, I don't think I could work in a child-care setting 40 hours a week. I enjoy doing Sunday school and babysitting for special-events at Summitview, but there is usually a 1 adult to every 3-5 kids, and in a child-care setting the ratios are much higher. I know I'd get overwhelmed if I had to manage a classroom with a 1:6 or above ratio because that's what the ratio was at the Early Childhood Center, and I was exhausted after a Friday afternoon of being there for my practicum. 


So, what can I do? Well, I've decided to do some volunteer grant-writing to see how that goes. I enjoy research, and recently, I wrote an article for the Examiner, with more to come :) I'm pondering the idea of having a developmental services company that specializes in grant-writing, curriculum development for interventions, and more what I call 'techie' aspects of Human Development and Family Studies work. If things start rolling along smoothly, I might go back and pick up a PhD to gain more research and expertise. Hm... yes, this sounds a bit like what a certain professor did, but different field very different field, folks!!!!!!!!  


This is definitely not what I was expecting to do with my degree, and knowing that I'll be in the human services world, but not in the way people usually are took a lot of shifting in my thinking. I panicked a bit and thought, "Oh no, did I go into the WRONG FIELD!?" No.


If I believe in a God who is sovereign and who opened the doors to me being in HDFS, this is not a mistake. I thought being premed was a mistake when I didn't do so hot on the MCAT, but God came though and provided that job in the hospital that allowed me to use my knowledge. I'm still using some of that knowledge in my current work as a direct care provider at a group home. God taught me about trusting Him for a career in general when I graduated, and it is this groundwork of trust that is helping me trust Him with whatever unique role He has for me in the HDFS field given both my strengths and my limitations.

All the Single Ladies

Wow!! I haven't had a girly-related post for a while. My purely nerdy side has taken over this blog for a while. Not like that's a bad thing :D Anyway, the single women in The Rock/Symbio are dropping like flies. With two weddings and TWO dating pairings of 2 good friends within about two weeks, I'm at that stage where I'm like, "DUDE!!!! EVERYONE'S GETTING MARRIED including EVERYONE YOUNGER THAN ME!!! :O " That's not a bad thing because that means dressing up & hanging out with people I might not get to see every day and of course dance parties when the reception comes. 


I've been wrestling with the marriage question for a while. For much of my college life & even into grad school I assumed at some point I would probably get married. If so, the goal was to somehow attain enough developmental normalcy and get to that point where I could manage issues from my past adaptively enough so that it wouldn't freak out Mr. Whoever and it wouldn't affect the next generation. Well, that whole achieving-developmental-normalcy was completely ripped apart with my diagnosis of PPD-NOS. Suddenly I was like, "Crap!!!!!! I will never be normal even though my HDFS training equips me to develop / participate in interventions that help children and families lead a more normal life. Hm. God, that's ironic, but unfortunately not very funny." I also thought, "Wait, if I struggle with social interactions and other stuff, does that make marriage possible?" According to Dr. Grandin, it's only possible if I married another person on the spectrum since our brains would be more similar. She bases this on interviews with married people who have autism since she herself is not married. According to Donna Williams (author of Nobody Nowhere and a special education teacher / consultant in Australia), it's possible because she's married and has high-functioning autism as well as multiple personality disorder (resulting from extreme physical/verbal abuse as a child) as well as other DSM diagnoses. According to my friends, it's possible if God wills it and whether He chooses me to be married to a person on the spectrum or an NT person, He has His purposes. 


This should close the case, but there is more to consider than just the fact that I officially have an ASD. What was my goal in marriage? It was to go down the expected trajectory of a Christian 20-something woman: Get saved, get involved in college and/or young singles ministry, get married, focus on raising children to know Christ and minister to other families in the same demographic. Much of the women's literature in the Christian world is geared toward married women, and the singles literature (from what I've read) is: be content & learn about God until Mr. Whoever-God-Chooses comes along. Having noticed these patterns, it made sense to conform my life to these expectations. Also, Mom really wants grandkids at some point, and as an only child, I'm her only source for that. Dr. Grandin has several other brothers and sisters, so her parents got grandkids from other sources.  Therefore, she probably didn't have that pressure like I do. In summary, my goal in getting married was to say: I'm following the normative pattern of a Christian woman's life and I'm giving Mom grandkids. I know God would use marriage for His sake and that is something that still excites me, but to be honest, that wasn't my primary motivation. 


Another thing to consider that God helped me understand from Mitch's message yesterday on building intellectual towers for ourselves is this: am I giving up on marriage because I might be bad at it and thus need to build my accomplishments in other areas such as research, a career, getting a PhD, etc? When I realized this, I thought, "Dang." Marriage or singleness with a focus on professional development and/or getting a PhD would not be glorifying to God if the primary motivation behind either one was just to further my own sense of accomplishment. That is humbling. Very humbling. This made me cry, but I needed it. Both the crying and the humbling. Yes, if I stayed single AND got a PhD AND became a professor, I would live a life really similar to Dr. Grandin :D (though I will probably never be as famous as her & that's completely ok!!!) but if I lived for my own accomplishments, how much would I really be allowing God to work through my life to reach academia? Or if I had a career & stuff but lived for that, how much would I rally be allowing God to work through my life to reach my community & workplace? Similarly, if I got married and lived for that I would be in danger making my husband and children live up to the make-Katie-appear-like-she-is-developmentally-adjusted and I would be repeating the same parent-child cycle that I'm still hurting from. 


God, You made my brain, You determined the places I should live in order that I may know You and learn more about You and come alongside You in Your work. For these things and for Your redemptive power and Your ability to teach me more about Yourself and conform me to Your Son (by Your grace) even when it hurts and makes me cry - I am really really really really thankful. So, Thank You for making me realize that my singlness or marriage must firstly be motivated by You and Your glory. My accomplishments either professionally, academically, or developmentally will fade literally a million years from now. But what You do with my life when I have submitted to You will remain. That's humbling and still makes me cry. But God, I just ask You to use me in whatever capacity for Your glory and Your glory and accomplishments alone. I know I will never perfectly submit to You. THANKS FOR SHOWING YOUR FORGIVENESS AND PROPITIATION FOR THAT and a TON of other things on the Cross. Amen :) 


PS: In Heaven, I actually get to give You a hug and that's pretty exciting! :) 

Is this a veneer of academic musing?

Expanding outside my current fixation can hurt sometimes. Not because I'm expanding outside it, but because of what I might find. Today I began reading Nobody Nowhere by Donna Williams who shares her experiences living with Autism. She appears to have more severe sensory issues than Dr. Grandin and more severe delays in speech. However, the aspect of her life that struck me the most even in the opening pages was the trauma she experienced at the hands of a physically abusive parent. She understands the origin of her abuse in adulthood when she is able (as best she can) to examine this parent's life. Another thing that struck me was Donna's writing is raw experience and emotion while Dr. Grandin's is a blend of personal experience that is generally coherently backed with the research that has been done as of the publishing of that particular book. APA style citations dot Dr. Grandin's narratives. In a sense, Dr. Grandin's life is told in a nice orderly way and polished by an academic lecture-style veneer that isn't too obscure for the general population to see through.

As I read Dr. Grandin's work and listened to her lectures (both on YouTube and LIVE!!!) I could touch this veneer (figuratively speaking) and trace the logical flow of her life and how the research explained it. I could stand on it and begin walking out my life as a person who newly discovered she was on the autism spectrum. Yet, there are parts of my life that are too painful to be ordered as nicely and laid out. There is still pain from parts of my childhood that come out and are too painful to try and really analyze and put into this nice life-backed-by-research framework.

Donna Williams doesn't try and fit her life into a nice research-backed narrative. She lets us see the pain and experience the pain she experienced. I hurt when I read how she hurt because she touches those pieces in my life that are too painful to handle just on an academic level. There is no academic veneer to hold her life together or hold back any of the pain. In defense of Dr. Grandin, she also is honest about her painful experiences. They came in different ways than Donna's did, and her pain is just as real. However, it's easy for me to see how Dr. Grandin could focus on academically analyzing her experiences rather than accessing the pain if her style is to emphasize how her life connects to autism and neurological research rather than just a pure narrative of her life.

In that moment of that realization, I cried. I had checked out the book from the CSU library and was reading it under a tree outside the CSU Animal Sciences building and ended up laying on the grass with my face buried in my sweatshirt crying. Because I did that exact thing that I could see Dr. Grandin doing. I would rather write a nice semi-academic book on attachment, autism spectrum disorders, and sensory deprivation and weave in my own experiences than write about my pure emotions and experiences. I would rather see my life and experience my life the way Dr. Grandin presents her life: Protected and presented behind an academic veneer. The pain is still too hard and I don't like to cry. I do cry, but I wish I didn't hurt after 20+ years since some of these experiences. Yet I know that God doesn't want me to hide my pain behind any sort of academic research. He was there and sympathized with every pain & psychological trauma I have felt. God wants to reach behind the academic veneer of all of us that have our experiences as inspiration for our research because He doesn't want our theses, dissertations, poster-presentations, and peer-reviewed publications. He wants what we feel deep down in our souls - He wants to touch the deepest pain we have so we can feel His love & healing there. That's what He taught me as I began to read Donna William's unabashed account of her life. He wants me to open my life up like that - not just for the world to see & learn from - but so I can feel His hand.

Why the Sick Need the Great Physician

I haven't written in this blog since I have been busy in El Paso doing service projects, working, and sharing the Gospel for Christ.

Recently, one of our HDFS professors has fallen very ill. She is recovering, albeit slowly. Her family and friends in and out of the HDFS department have organized a website to record her progress and for her to read well-wishes people have sent to her once she is awake enough to stare at a computer monitor for decent amounts of time.

Most of the well-wishes were very characteristic of the HDFS department - wishing for general goodness to come her way, "Sending loving thoughts and healing energy / karma / positive feelings" your way. Those sentiments are not bad, and they can generally be encouraging.

However, they are not enough. One's thoughts cannot traverse time and space, they are confined to the cognitive pathways and neural circuits in our brains. The only Person who's words traversed space and time to create the darkness, light, and every living organism to the streptococcus bacterium, the amoeba, the diatom and to the enormity of galaxies is Yaweh, by His Son Jesus Christ and the Spirit of Life, the Holy Spirit.

This is what is missing from the guest book. From my friend's thoughts, and that is vexing me almost as much as the fact that my professor could still not make it out. The fact that God may allow this for this department to seek Him to find Him - the source of Truth, the source of all Good that He can truly give across space and time.

I plead with you, HDFS students, faculty, staff, in CSU, in VTech (where this professor got her degrees), and friends / family that know her: You need to pray to God. I plead for you to to acknowledge the supremacy of Christ - not just 'feel good' thoughts. I plead for you to understand that the God of this Universe is holding our professor in His sovereign hands that were pierced on Calvary for her and all of us. I pray earnestly that you understand that you need to encourage our professor with Truth from His lips, His Word, His healing Word. That is what is true hope. Not vauge notions of thoughts floating through space and time, of good karma, or positive energy, but the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord who has made her and us lovingly, atom by atom, DNA strand by DNA strand.

I pray this so that you will turn to Christ and accept His salvation and truly worship Him whether He heals this professor or takes her from this world, and I do earnestly pray, with tears at times, that He will preserve her life, lead her to the Cross, so at the end of her life, she may join worshippers - from our ranks and from every nation tribe and tounge to worship our true Lord in Spirit and Truth.

Jobless in El Paso

So yes. Ye olde blogger is without a job. :( Been fishin' but nothin's bitin'. What's a grad student to do? I could despair easily: "Dang, I can't even get an interview at McD's and I went to grad school." But in El Paso, they look for more permanent people, and we're seasonal workers. So, therein lies much of our problems.

I've been on somewhat of a short circuit today. Kinda impatient & had to appologize several times for beginning to be snappy. However, I realize I have not reached melt-down stage because God and I have had a talk. Once I was upset and stuff and Indescribable came on the radio. God used that moment to calm me down by reminding me, "Katie, I am Creator. You are in the car with the guy who's dad talks about it every other day. Who am I in the midst of this job search?" I said, "Yes, God. Thank You for reminding me. You are I AM." Pause. I was open with the sisters I was job-searching with about my frustrations and a group hug was needed :)

I still struggle whether to stay or to go because all practical career-center, Mom, Zeynep advice would be to go back to FoCo and look for jobs there while searching out a permanant grad-school worthy job. However, I am invested here. To encourage the Believers and to be a 'coach' to the little kids in the Sports Camp we are running soon. I already signed up for dealing with the little people i.e. 1st graders. I have money in savings to tie me over until I get back to The Fort.

So, I walk this balance in being diligent with the job search and trusting in God and when I lean in God and He helps me, I stay calm. When I do not trust in God, I plan my going back and worry about stuff.

I know God is teaching me something. Just what exactly besides provision, I have ideas, but won't really know until it's over. What I do know is that I'm feeling like I'm walking on water, and no matter what happens, I can be caught by a God who's hands were pierced for my sins, Jesus, who is good.

Postmodern Tantrum

I was in class and we were talking about different factors that help or hurt a child in his/her development and put a family at risk for problems. One of my friends looked quite frustrated and kept on looking at our professor & the rest of us with a confused / upset look. He finally burst out saying, "What do you mean problems? What do you mean by ideal? Like really [don't repeat this in class] wealthy or - how do you win this [I also said don't repeat this in class] race?" Everyone paused and the professor said, "Hm. Interesting. How do you know?" My friend got very angry and said that was the point. We don't know and so it is presumptuous to say what is good and not good for a child or family. He also had problems with predicting a child's developmental trajectory from different factors in his/her life.

I knew God was wanting me to speak. I took a deep breath and thought, "Ok, here goes..." I raised my hand. My professor let my friend rant more. Then he let me speak. I said, "First of all, remember when you guys were not HDFS and you looked at your family or friends? Maybe they worked in a business or at a store, so they were from various economic backgrounds. But couldn't you tell whether they were doing satisfactory or not?" I got a lot of uproar with that statement saying, "You can't really tell." Ok... so my professor attempted to cut me off by saying, "I know where you are going with this, but we have no accurate way of measuring how families and children are really doing." I said, "Yes, but, I think we have an inate sense of what families should be like and how children should be like to be adaptive." Common sense, yeah? Oh man... My friend practically blew up and said that he had a problem with the word 'should' and everyone pretty much agreed.

I tried to resolve his post-modern tantrum, but I think it made it worse. After class, I spoke with another Christian and she knew what I meant and agreed with what I said. It was my first foray into bringing Truth into this class and ouch. However, I am consoled not by my classmates' or professor's reactions, but by the fact that I do know how God designed the family and how He ordained it to be. This is nice because it allows me to work toward a goal when helping children and families.

Loosing an eternal family member

Are you lost or just gone?
Are you wandering or
Do you not know Home?

Which are you?
My brother(1), my friend?

Come back to your Lord
Or find the reality of Him.

God's hand is not to short.
To pull him back
Or to wipe my eyes.

God's power is not too weak
To reveal Himself even if
You don't seek.

God's love is enough
To save you and to
Comfort me.

Though this time is hard
I will still worship and sing
Praises to Thee.

1. brother in this sense refers to being a brother in Christ to me aka. a fellow Believer.

Ok, so, yeah. I am starting the grieving process yet AGAIN. Hopefully this will be short. But I know I'm going to have to grieve this loss. So, I'm crying, but the 'restorative' tasks are kicking in almost immediately along with the 'disorganized' proccesses of grief. (If you don't understand, that's HD332 talk for alternately putting things back together after a loss and being completely whacked out with everything all at the same time. Trust me, they can be concurrent.) Anyway, what I lost is a fellow Christian in the sense that he said that he has stepped away from the faith and doesn't believe it anymore. I really am trusting God because God is the only one that can help at this point. Of course I'm upset, but not completely without hope. If anything, it was the best thing my friend could've told me because I can be praying for specific needs for him.