Cracks in the Dream Castle

As a little girl, I enjoyed reading books about princess and stuff. I never had a princess castle cake, but the idea of finding a prince charming and living happily ever after was appealing to me. 

Oh my gosh.... cute little Asian girl and cute cake!!! 

I think the longing was stronger for me because I wanted a father-figure and just want to feel the love of a man who would be my rescuer and my - well, my everything. 

Well, my prince charming came and proposed and I said yes :) 

Recently, I have been seeing the cracks in the 'dream castle.' I know all relationships are not perfect, but I think when I worry if my prince charming has forgotten about me, I feel forgotten and that hurt may be stronger for me because I had attachment problems when I came over from the Philippines. I failed the attachment assessment when I had my comprehensive developmental evaluation at 18 months old. 

Realizing my insecurities can affect how I think about my relationship is jarring to my feelings but makes perfect sense to my HDFS mind. Well, yeah. I read about how one's development can affect marriage and relationships. It's just different to actually feel it. To have my emotions crying while my HDFS text part of my brain shows me where my crying is coming from. 

So what? What do I do to repair the cracks in the prince and princess castle of my dreams? Well, I think continued therapy is always good and I will need to discuss with my prince charming. The most important thing I should do is to always go to Christ and let His truth that He is enough and He has overcome the world sink in. In this life, I will never have a perfect princess castle with my prince charming Boaz. But in the next life, we all will have a perfect world with Christ as our King! I pray to God to help me keep that as my true hope. 

Spiritual Family of Origin

Cuuuuute little cup!!!!!

I found this cuuuuuuuuuute little cup today when I was going through even more of my apartment stuff. No idea why it wasn't in my kitchen stuff, but oh well... It was the only little cup in the set left because the other little cups were in an unfortunate collision with the sidewalk.... Twas a sad day for little me and little them :(

Anyway, I squeaked when I saw that cup because I thought of a good Fort Collins friend who volunteered at AWANA with me :) She gave me the little cups and she was like a big sister because she was married and we had many conversations about me waiting for The One God had for me :) She was one of my many "Proverbs 31 Mentors." Meaning, she was part of a group of ladies I looked up to and who I wanted to emulate if God ever called a guy to pursue me and to put a RING ON IT!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK! 

Thinking about her also got me thinking about Women's Coffeehouse at Summitview. When we did the series Biblical Femininity, I sorta thought of it as Proverbs 31 or Wife Training School. The premise of that series was to obey Titus 2 which instructs older women to teach younger women. Married and single women came to the teachings, and women who had been married a long time spoke. 

As I begin preparing for the wedding ceremony and preparing for life being married to my Boaz - SQUEAK!!!! I find myself thinking about my spiritual family of origin. My peeps at Summitview Community Church in Fort Collins. 

There's an HDFS concept that we have two families: Family of Origin which consists of your parents, siblings, and people who raised you, and Family of Procreation which consists of your spouse/partner and children raised within that relationship. The family of origin of both adults influences their marriage/relationship and how they raise their children. 

I was spiritually raised in Summitview and I will probably begin my married life at Southeast Christian Church in Parker :) The way I connect to my new church home and the way I connect with my sweet Boaz will be influenced partly by how I was raised at Summitview. 

This isn't necessarily an all good or all bad thing. Like all local churches, Summitview had its own unique strengths and weaknesses. An obvious strength of Summitview is the Gospel as the core of one's being and one's identity, and the laser-beam focus on reaching the world for Jesus. The literal interpretation of Genesis combined with an epic biology nerd as a pastor made for some really nerdy and awesome seminars and teachings :) Recently, some friends of mine pointed out a weakness: The Rock (college group) had a very strict stance of: Guys, don't pursue a lady if you're not 100% sure you're going to marry her, and ladies, don't let your heart fall for a guy because what if he's not The One? Gender-relations wise, this made life... interesting. For an Aspie college student, it helped me establish rules on how to act around those students that were sometimes grungy, a little strange, and had a Y chromosome. 

Couples who also began their Christian life at Summitview and continued attending the church after marriage often had very set gender roles: Dude goes to work, Bride pops kids, raises them, and homeschools them. Again, I saw really awesome examples of these families, and what I saw beyond their completely countercultural way of doing gender roles was how they sought to permeate their family life with Christ and their desire to teach their children about their Savior. That warmed my heart, and I treasured my time there as a Sunday school helper and teacher seeing kids grow developmentally and grow in learning about the God that made them and saved them.... .aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! :) Oh, and the cuteness overload working with preschoolers was awesome too! 

So... all that will play a role in what I expect out of marriage and how I relate to Boaz as my fiance. Knowing that not every church does stuff like Summitview makes me willing to allow Boaz to lead us in the way he sees God leading us :)

The emphasis on the male as the spiritual leader of the household has helped me encourage my Boaz in praying for us and he has told me how that has empowered him and challenged him in his walk with God :) My response was : "Good, that was my evil plan :D" But seriously, that's cool! Yet I know that I can't fall into leaning solely on my Boaz's leadership for my spiritual development. I need to have my own relationship with God. 

Also, I also have to remember that my life might not look like those ladies that spoke at 'Wife School.' My Boaz is still in school, so I might not be able to stop working. Plus, I like my job and it's going well, so I would like to stay with my law firm for a while. Knowing that my Boaz comes from a church that has more of an emphasis on, "Read your Bible and then ask God what He wants you to do" rather than, "Read your Bible, listen to this teaching, and ask your pastor or spiritual mentor what to do." I have to remind myself that it's ok not to have a life that looks like other people who are further along in the faith as long as Christ is at the center. 

My spiritual family of origin has really helped me shape how I interact with little guy. I pray for his salvation, and I have told Boaz that I want to know how I can support him to lead his son to Christ. I will probably volunteer in Sunday School again - maybe in the same room as my Boaz, and I look forward to the day where both of us can be in the same classroom as little guy or our future children :) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! 

Thinking about my spiritual family of origin has made me appreciate the gems of wisdom God brought me while part of that church. I look forward to growing in the faith with a Gospel-centered identity, a desire to reach the world for Christ, and a desire to support my Boaz as we grow together in our faith and in our relationship :) I also know that my spiritual family of origin won't completely define my path in this new phase of life. God, who is above all our childhood families of origin, is above our spiritual families of origin as well. He will guide both my sweet Boaz and I, and He will be our ultimate guide :)

Mentor

I just got home from a day at the zoo with Boaz and his son Bobby*. Boaz has Bobby for Spring Break before he goes back to Pennsylvania. Boaz sees Bobby over the summers and school breaks. This is the same boy who may get tested for Asperger Syndrome later. 

*Name changed for purposes of this blog.

As I was preparing to meet Bobby, I did some research on how people come into the role of step-parent. This might become a reality in my life if/when Boaz and I get married. I asked God what He would want for me as a step-parent of a kid with Asperger Syndrome. I knew from my HDFS classes that I wold come alongside Boaz and continue to allow him be the primary parent as far as rule-setting and such. 

One thought that kept coming to me was one word: Mentor 

Image from Google Images

I could be a mentor to Bobby as a) someone who loves Boaz and wants to support him in his parenting and b) as a significant adult in Bobby's life who also happens to have an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I know somewhat about where Bobby is coming from. Of course, I need to know him as a person first, and that will come over time. But even today, I would notice that he really liked this gravel pit with large pebbles. I said, "That feels really cool on your hands, huh?" Because I knew it was a sensory thing. I also asked him, "You can't stop thinking about those chair-lifts, can you?" Because he had a pretty strong one-track mind about that until Boaz took him and I on the chair-lifts over the zoo. 

Bobby let me hold his hand to get off of the chair-lift and let me help him with his ice-cream. He asked Boaz if I was going to be around tomorrow, and Boaz explained that I would be celebrating Easter with my family and they would celebrate with theirs. 

Tonight, I was hit with the reality that God had been preparing my heart to be this eight year old boy's mentor for a long time. I was a nanny to some kids for two summers a while back and I've learned how to bond with kids that were not biologically or legally mine. Finally, I've had a longing to be an example to others on the Autism Spectrum ever since I got my diagnosis and went to two of Temple Grandin's lectures. 

God works in mysterious but awesome ways. I continue to pray that as I grow closer to Boaz and Bobby, that God would continue preparing my heart for the most important mentoring job I will probably have: Helping the man I love parent and show Christ to his son, and show this boy that God allows us to triumph over challenges He has allowed in our lives. 

Just a little bit of history repeating

I know of an elementary school aged boy who has recently had a diagnosis of an attention deficit disorder (ADD or ADHD), but one of his caregivers believes he has something on the autism spectrum. When I heard of his tentative diagnosis, I thought about how I wasn't diagnosed with my autism spectrum disorder (ASD) until age 27, and I felt sad that this little guy might travel down the same path. 

Right now he stands at a crossroads if he indeed has an autism spectrum disorder. 

His educators and other caregivers could evaluate how he does with  interventions geared toward individuals with attention deficits, see if he still needs to be evaluated for other learning disabilities, and refer him to a specialist to test him for ASD. If he indeed has an ASD, he could then receive interventions for that and learn how to adapt to his world. He could have a better quality of life than I did at his age because he would have caregivers and teachers that understood the workings of his brain and use that understanding to him thrive in the world. 

On the other hand, he could get the attention deficit diagnosis, but the intervention might not work because the ASD was missed. He could go through school wondering why he isn't achieving to the level that his intelligence would indicate. He could spend much of his life wondering what he was doing wrong and why he isn't able to act normal. A mentor could help him develop his talents, but he might not get the help he needs if his ASD isn't recognized. This path is harder and he would be more vulnerable to emotional wounds inflicted by caregivers, peers, and teachers that don't understand him. He could self inflict his wounds by constantly telling himself that he is not good enough, he can 'never get it together,' and that he should know better every time he runs into a social mishap. I have walked this path, and I pray desperately that he will not have to. 

However, I do not think he will not walk my same path. Teachers are more aware of Asperger Syndrome and high functioning autism and may pick up that he has it sooner or later. If he indeed has an ASD, hopefully it will be picked up before he enters college. More importantly, this boy has a loving father that loves God. Even though he lives across the country from this child, this father  shares God's love and hope with this child every chance he gets. This boy has heard God's truth and has people praying for him that he doesn't even know. If this child sees God as real in his life and knows God is the one who made him and knows that God is the Creator who made him just the way he is, this boy will not go down my path. This boy's path may still be challenging. However, because of God's grace, this boy's path may be filled with hope. 

A Legit Career Path

One thing about being in Symbio, is almost everyone is asking, "Ok, what do I want to do when I grow up?" Yes, many of us have bachelor degrees and several years of work experience under our belts. But the question we are asking is this: What do we want our resume to look like long term given our education, experience, and things we're passionate about? 


One of my friends asked the Facebook world what she should be when she grows up. The overwhelming response was missionary and/or mother. At first when I looked at her question, I thought, "What career path would suit my friend the most?" But then I thought, "I think she should be a mom because a) she's wanted to be one since she could stand independently, and b) caregiving and supporting parents is something she is very passionate about. So, why not just give her a bunch of kids to mother and lead to Jesus?" 


Her question made me see that I'm seeing motherhood as having the same validity as a vocation as something such as paralegal, occupational therapist, engineer, scientist, teacher, etc. No, it's not listed in the Occupational Outlook Handbook that the Bureau of Labor Statistics publishes, but when I think about it, one could write a very detailed job description for a full-time parent, specifically a stay-at-home mother. Note, fathers also provide care and guidance in their way, but  the vocation of a stay at home mother is examined here. 

Cute picture thanks to Google Images!! 

Job Title: Caregiver / Teacher / Minister to Children / Home Manager. Job title often consolidated to Wife and Mother. Stay At Home Mother (SAHM) is also an appropriate title. 

Essential Duties: 
*Provide developmentally appropriate care to children of various ages within a home and community setting. 
*Model and instruct children in knowing the Truth of the Bible and the Person of Jesus
*Provide developmentally appropriate instruction in living skills, social skills, and provide developmentally appropriate educational opportunities. This may include homeschooling. 
*Perform appropriate home management tasks such as maintaining a budget, purchasing groceries, and developing meal plans. 
*Perform household chores including cleaning and cooking and instruct children in performing chores appropriate to their developmental level
*Engage children emotionally and cognitively in creative activities in the home and community
*Discpline children using developmentally appropriate and Biblical principles 
*Assess and monitor children's health and respond to routine and/or emergency situations accordingly. 
*Support spouse in his working role and his role of spiritual leader of the household 


Minimum Education: Formal training in consumer/family sciences courses at high school or college level recommended, Informal training including prior caregiving experience with children and/or Bibically based parenting course offered within a faith community strongly encouraged and recommended


*Note: even if minimum educational requirements are met, continuing education in informal and formal settings  is mandatory for the success of this position. 


Minimum Qualifications:
*Possess a willingness to learn principles of caregiving and child-development from observation and/or traditional teaching methods. 
*Actively be pursuing a growing relationship and dependence on God to complete the duties of this position in His strength. 
*Must be willing to accept correction from peers and spouse for duration of position. 
*Maintaining and improving consistency in reading the Bible and applying Biblical practices to daily job duties


Right. This was written from the perspective of a Human Development and Family Studies graduate, hence the emphasis on child development throughout. 


But yeah. It looks nearly like a job description on job boards. And it is certainly as complex as many paying vocations. The position of Wife and Mother of course falls within the human services sector. It also has aspects of management, clerical, educational, health-care and service sector positions. That means there are a TON of transferable skills that someone could gain in paid work before transitioning into the role of full-time mother. 


So is it a legit vocation? TOTALLY!!!!!!!! 


What does that mean for those of us that are not parents (yet?) This means, we can support current parents in prayer and by babysitting children if families ask us. This also means, we should think about how to do this job description. Note, in all things, we should rely on God's strength, but developing these practical skills would be helpful too. And lastly, we can encourage the parents around us and thank them for being the example we can follow if God indeed does lead us into full-time parenting as a vocation :) 

Spiritual Mentoring from the Great Interventionist

According to the HDFS literature, mentors serve as alternate attachment figures to at-risk youth. A mentor can teach a child skills that he or she didn't learn in the home environment, provide emotional support that can increase the child's confidence, and help the child cope with difficult circumstances. A mentor ideally knows how to structure the environment and activities that help build a child's skills and provide emotional support. Good mentors know when to just be there and when to teach skills. They are well trained by someone who knows the research and understands child and adolescent development.


Spiritual mentors are very much the same :) I've come from a spiritual 'at-risk' environment where I was taught that God exists, but He is distant and not as reliable. We can do good to try and get into heaven, but we can't really connect with Him. This is what I believed when I became a part of Summitview. These beliefs had to be demolished and replaced with Truth after I became a believer. I also had very real attachment issues and other developmental issues that I had to deal with on top of growing as a new believer. One could say that I was at  high risk for maladaptive spiritual development because I had added risk-factors that could hinder my spiritual growth.


Luckily God is the GREAT INTERVENTIONIST :) :)  He knows my development better than even I do :) He put me in the best church environment for me to grow. Specifically, He provided older sisters in Christ that both served as actual and spiritual mentorship. I remember calling them and talking to them whenever I had issues. They served as my examples, and helped me work through a lot of my past and helped me grow in my spiritual development. They would 'structure' my environment by checking on me to make sure I had regular quiet-times and help me have conversations about the Bible. They also helped 'structure' fun things like Ultimate Frisbee. An older sister and Aaron Ritter coached me about how to play Ultimate Frisbee with much patience since I told them that I couldn't see well and was terrible at playing sports. It really was rewarding when they cheered me on when I threw the frisbee in the right general direction, even if my teammate didn't catch it. Through the love of my older brothers and sisters, I had alternate attachment figures and spiritual mentors in Christ that really helped those first few years of my development.


It's really uncanny - but not surprising that God actually did help me achieve developmental milestones that I missed. While playing on the playground with my Ritter teammates, we joked that we were going back to our childhoods. Suddenly I got really excited and I remember jumping up and down squealing: "Oh my gosh!!!! I'm really back in middle-childhood learning peer-peer interactions and receiving peer-group acceptance!! God's re-doing my middle childhood!" I'm pretty sure those were close to my exact words. Yes, I should've realized I was a super-nerd beyond most of the 1st year HDFS students. :) yet even in that nerdy realization on the playground, I had the first glimmer of hope that God would begin healing things in my past and work to grow me into a spiritually mature person :)


I'm in the stage now where I see younger sisters-in-Christ being mentored in much this same way and I have been able to serve as a mentor to some girls. That part is startling to me because I think "Can I really do this?" Then I realize, "God, the Great Interventionist placed me in this role to help this other person develop :)" That also means He helps me, and really He does the real work :) Seeing my younger sisters grow with their mentors and looking back on how God used my own mentors  reminds me that He will complete the work He started in all His children and He is the solution to their spiritual and developmental needs :) 

A specialist mind needs a like-minded person

I wrote about the joys of having a specialist mind in an August blog post on this site. Going throughout life these past few months, I've just wanted another like-minded similarly-wired person just to hang with and to share random awesome nerdy stuff with and someone that I didn't have to act normal around. This need to have someone to relate to and someone to go to and lean on has been a void in my life that has never really been filled. I knew I was different in childhood, but I couldn't figure out why. I received support from teachers, relatives, and my mom as a child, but I was also called to be a support to an adult earlier than is developmentally appropriate. 


The lights came on in my head during my quiet time when I was going through Beth Moore's Breaking Free study where she goes over how God can fill the voids in our lives with His unfailing love. In Ephesians 3:19 Paul prays that we would know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge. According to Moore, the word know in the Greek is ginosko which implies experiential learning of a concept - learning by trial or perception. I pretty much 'eeeked' because I thought: "THIS MEANS THAT PEOPLE THAT ARE VISUAL LEARNERS OR CONCRETE THINKERS LIKE DR. GRANDIN CAN EXPERIENCE GOD'S LOVE!!!!" That was super-awesome to think about because I think it would be way cool if she came to know Christ :) :) 


Then God reminded me: You need to learn this too. Then I was like, "What!?! Oooooooooooh! I get it!" The reason I wasn't getting God as the One to run to / confide in / lean on and who could relate to my crazy brain was because I haven't really experienced it. Until now!!!!! Until He gave me that nerdy thought about experiential learning. During seminars on college teaching in grad school we talked about different learning styles and how students can get concepts using more than one learning style and experiential learning is the best method. God, using this study, revealed that He works in that same way. He understands our own unique learning styles because He has wired our brains in specific ways. For example, I'm an auditory learner, so oftentimes, theological concepts really  click when I hear them integrated into a song. I also get excited when I can compare concepts to HDFS related concepts. God knows what my special interests are at the time (because He's God!!!!!!!!!!) and so He uses them in teaching me things. Creationism has been a long term special-interest within my Christian life, so He uses biological concepts and reminders of Himself as Creator to really root and ground me. 


What does this mean to tie this all together? If all this is true, I no longer have this need to try and find that one earthly mentor that understands my brain and thinking to be my go-to person. God is more than enough. He wired my brain and knows any/all special interests I currently have or ever will have, and He has shown me that He can connect with me in moments where all I can do is jump around and eek or if I go into a meltdown and all I can do is cry. He knows the voids in my life left by my past, and He knows how best to fill them - even more than any attachment specialist or HDFS interventionist. I can stand on this foundation of truth with confidence and seek God to lean on no matter if I have to go to Him for mundane ordinary things or share an ultra-nerdy moment with Him or ask Him for help when my ASD makes functioning difficult. 


Though I have began to get this in fragments, it seems like I got a more complete picture of how this works today. As God teaches this through experiential learning - meaning throughout my life - I will always be learning this at a deeper level and will only truly see it in full in Heaven. It is in that hope that I continue to press on and ask God to teach me more about His love and presence now. 

I still taste & see that He is good

Psalm 34 is really awesome. I think I might've done a verse-by-verse study on it at one point, but with a more general theme woven through. However, I wanted to focus on how this verse applies to my dealings with adjusting to life knowing that I'm on the autism spectrum. Throughout this process, there have been times where I've focused more on gathering information and looking at how other people lived life on the spectrum than going to God for direction. I've also wanted to talk to others on the spectrum (especially one particular person who has achieved great worldly success even while being autistic) about issues that were coming up rather than going to God. These things are not wrong in themselves, but in absence of God, they can only give me so much hope.

Psalm 34 (ESV)	My thoughts
I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.	All times means all times. Philippians 4:4 says "Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, rejoice." This is only possible when I realize that
My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. (NIV says: Let the afflicted hear and rejoice).	My soul was prone to boasting in my master's degree, in other things, but again, like Paul, I must boast in the Lord. That is the gist of 2 Cor 12:9-10. I don't just boast in the Lord in my weaknesses to make myself feel better, but so others in similar situations or with other weaknesses can be encouraged. Affliction also leads to humility which leads to dependence in and eventually joy in God.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!	For everyone that has dealt with disabilities & illness, there is hope! I have found Jesus! Come with me, see who He is, exalt Him together!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK J
I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.	Yup! This is the line in Taste & See (lyrical adaptation to this song) that made me cry really hard. My shame is gone as You draw near!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Growing up, no one realized that I was on the mild end of the autism spectrum. Therefore, all my behaviors that fell in that category were often corrected in a negative way (see my blog post on that). I was pushed to be normal and now knowing that I'm not still hurts. Growing up, I feared that I would be less of a person if I didn't achieve that sense of normal. However, God intervened, saving me just as I am. He is my Creator and knows my limitations better than I do and better than any assessment can measure. Because Christ took away any impurities standing between me and God, I can stand before my Creator without shame.
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.	In times when I was alone in my room as a child, I would pray and ask God to help me get through life. I knew I needed Him, even though I was operating on a works-based gospel for a while. God answered with the ultimate solution to my problems: Jesus Christ, and also allowing me to get tools such as early interventions & really amazing teachers to help me as I developed. God protected me throughout my childhood by allowing me to be in an over-sheltered environment so I didn't get into bad situations with peers that, in retrospect, I probably wouldn't have been able to handle with my ASD.
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!	EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK J If David had my manerisms, I'm guessing he would've paused while writing this and maybe jumped around in his room and eeeked and then thought, "Hm, I should verbalize that – like THAT!!!!!" I have tangiblely tasted & seen that God is good even in this 'discovering' my ASD experience. God used me to share the Gospel with my evaluator, and He has given me amazing friends at Summitview to help me J
Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack!  The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.	So I might lack certain social skills & cognitive stuff, but eternally, I lack no good thing. I have full access to my Creator & the securest attachment ever because God made it possible not me. I have the hope that in eternity with God, all the ASD stuff will fall away and I will live with God and others that He has redeemed in perfect relationship which btw NO ONE has experienced, forever! Even the most accomplished HDFS interventionists with amazing families and even those that have overcome insurmountable odds may still feel like they lack something at times. But those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. That's how I understand the verse in my head.
Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.	Statistically (and yes, I know God doesn't operate according to statistics), people with diagnoses on the autism spectrum marry less. However, this doesn't mean that God can't use me to impact the next generation. In fact, He has used me in various classroom & babysitting capacities, even if it was for short periods of time. My prayer is for the next generation to see God working through my life.
What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.	I'm thankful that I grew up in a family that knew right & wrong and had a pretty solid Biblical worldview. Temple Grandin often talks about growing up in the 1950's where most families followed standard social conventions that she had to learn (though her parents & teachers had to be more patient to teach her). This training in childhood helped me seek God, even if it was trying to please Him by doing good rather than seeking Him alone for salvation. That part came eventually because His kindness led me to repentance and ultimately salvation through faith in Christ alone. This strong moral understanding & training is a very strong protective factor in both our lives.
The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.	I am righteous because Christ imputed that on me (2 cor 5:21). Thus, He hears my prayers because they are not hindered by my sin (Is 59:2). J This is not true for those that ultimately do not accept Christ as their Savior L
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.	How has the Lord already delivered me from the challenges of having an ASD? By being my ultimate source of comfort because He knows what it's like not to fit in, and He has overcome the world & all its imperfections. He is my hope.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.	Another EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK verse J I have definitely had a lot of afflictions developmentally: attachment issues, early trauma, secondary PTSD from my mom's experience with my early medical issues, clinical depression and body image issues in adolescence, and all with the thread of autistic tendancies running through my development. Wow. And yet God preserved my intellect so I could go to school & eventually Colorado State University where I accepted Him as Savior. He has healed me from a lot of the trauma, though there's still yet to heal. He has allowed me to get a Master's in Human Development & Family studies to help others have a better developmental outcome than I had. These things have scarred me, but not crushed me. And that is all by God's grace.
Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.	Those who do not ultimately accept Christ will be eternally condemmed (2 Thes 1:8-9). THE LORD HAS REDEEMED MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have taken refuge in Him. Yes, interventions that I can use on this earth are good, but my ultimate hope is God. He works all things, including this, for the good of those who love Him & for His purposes (Romans 8:28-9) so that others may see Christ. In this, I know that God has a purpose for my life, even though it's not – nor will it ever be - a typical life. Therefore, I know that wherever God leads me and whatever challenges I face due to ASD or other things, He will use them for His kingdom if I give them to Him.

Wow. Seriously. Wow. God is pretty awesome! J



I will love You Lord forever

My lips will always sing Your praise

From deep inside I feel it rising

Come glorify the Lord with me

Come glorify the Lord with me



I taste & see that You are good

I hide myself within Your love

In your presence I lack nothing

You're all I want and You are here with me

Yes You're here with me J



I looked for You and Lord You found me

Delivered me from all my fears

With hearts wide open faces shining

My shame is gone as You draw near

My shame is gone as You draw near



I taste & see that You are good

I hide myself within Your love

In your presence I lack nothing

You're all I want and You are here with me



Jesus, Oh You're glorious



In Your presence I lack nothing

In Your presence I lack nothing

In Your presence I lack nothing

In Your presence I lack nothing.

Spiritual Head-Injuries during Childhood

Jen Smith has a really great blogpost on her blog about the Helmet of Salvation: here in reference to how the spiritual helmet guards one's thoughts. My dear roommate sent me some reading about how the helmet in the Roman soldier's armor was a key life-saving piece of armor. If the soldier sustained a head-injury there was no MRI, no neuro-surgeon standing by to care for his injury in a sterile environment. The soldier could bleed out from an open wound, sustain a stroke, have pressure build inside his skull, contract an infection after a few days, etc. Basically, head-injuries pretty much meant death back in the day. Even now, brain-trauma from open or closed head wounds can be debilitating. Depending on the nature and location of the injury, different and/or multiple functions can be damaged.

So why am I bringing this up? I had this thought after something happened with me this morning that made me react really badly in a situation where I didn't give anyone including myself grace for messing up. God informed me that I was getting spiritually attacked, thus I needed my armor on pronto. I indignantly asked Him, "Why do I need the helmet of salvation when my BRAIN'S MESSED UP ANYWAY!?!?!" (thanks to a mixture of genetics + early development btw). Then God gave me this word-picture that He knew only a nerdy HDFS / formerly premed person would understand.

He gave me this picture of a child being hit on the head repeatedly & throughout his/her early development. Blows could come from a parental figure, circumstances, lies from the world, or several of those sources. What I was reminded was that spiritually, I was that kid. I took repeated head-trauma to my soul with people & the world saying "I was not normal enough, I was too medically/developmentally difficult to be worthy of true unconditional love, I couldn't do enough to fill a void in someone's life." This damaged the function in my soul that connected to God rightly. You could say that I formed an avoidant attachment to God through this. I wanted to know God, but I felt like He was always mad at me & that He didn't really care because I felt like I was an inconvenience. I also felt a stronger pull than the normal population to pay for what I did wrong by beating myself up both mentally & physically. Therefore, I learned enough theology in Sunday school to get by, but I never praised Him as Creator, and only prayed during crisis moments. Even then I doubted that He would truly listen & come through.

Then in college someone explained to me: Yes, you are sinful. Yes, God is perfect. But God sent His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. God saves us not on our own merit, but because Christ paid our penalty for our sins. I accepted that because it made perfect sense. I couldn't try on my own to be perfect. I needed Christ.

On an eternal-security level, God has secured this attachment. I have His Spirit in me as a deposit as a guarantee (Ephesians 1). On an emotional level, sometimes I feel like I still have a disorganized attachment to God. This is when the head-injured part of my soul still feels the blows from my past. The old injuries are re-opened and God is always in the process of healing them. Will my walk with God be marked by my past soul-injuries for the rest of my earthly life? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe the wounds are so deep that God will be there to intervene to keep them from getting worse, but they may still be there. Maybe He will heal them completely. I know for certain that in Heaven, God will make my soul new, thus healing my wounds once and for eternity.

Like a child that might have had a head-injury & needs extra protection, I must always remember to keep the helmet of salvation on. I must always remind myself that I am saved & allow God to protect my thoughts, especially in crisis situations. I must allow God to keep hold of me in case I loose my step and fall, or something tries to hit me in the head & re-damage me. God, like a good therapeutic professional, knows exactly what I need, is there in a crisis when my wounds flare up & cause me to think or act out of the hurt rather than Truth, and He soothes those wounds & improves my functioning toward Him & the world. Clinging to Him also gives me hope & reassurance that because of His grace, I will walk around feeling the hurt & damage from my spiritual wounds only for this world, and will walk around in perfect relationship with Him forever.

Jesus Your Love has No Bounds II: ASD and Compassion in Christ (my thoughts)

Thanks to writing academic journal articles, my titles can get lengthy. I mean, some titles take up two whole lines of text when cited in APA format... anyway, grad school musings aside, I was thinking about the ability to have compassion versus the ability to express compassion, especially for people on the autism spectrum or have autistic-like traits.

Why do I bring this up? Recently, it's been pointed out that I do possess some autistic-like traits. Whether they are enough to warrant a diagnosis on the spectrum, or they are remnants of deprivation and trauma in my early-development is yet to be seen. At any rate, I've been thinking about this a lot since a roommate is dealing with a serious illness in her family, and I am helping a single-mother headed family in my church with babysitting. In both these cases, I do feel compassion for both parties. I want to help and be useful to them. However, I know that I may not always show compassion the way others do, or I may not show it in as elaborate ways as I think others show. For example, I might be able to cry along with a friend in some cases, in other cases, I might clam up if I can't think of anything to say. In other cases, I might over-analyze a situation thinking that I'm being helpful when I may just have needed to listen. I may listen, but I might not make eye-contact or seem as attentive as others.

There is this article written by author A.J. Mahari who is a mental health professional and advocate for people with ASD that addresses her observations that people, especially women on the autism spectrum do in fact feel empathy and have noticed improvement in their ways of expressing it. I agree with her that the impairment in compassion can be more in the expression of compassion and love than in the feeling. However, I think that if someone is truly much more impaired in the basic theory-of-mind functions of: Others have emotions, Emotions in others are a consequence of their circumstances, than maybe their sense of compassion may be diminished. I think about what Temple Grandin has described in her writing in wanting to be loved, but unable to express it. She writes about having an aunt that would hug her in a way that would overwhelm her in a sensory way, but yet she longed for her aunt to express love to her in a way that she could handle. Especially after the use of her squeeze machine, she began improving in her ability to express emotions and compassion to both people and animals. Being a master's graduate, I will probably have to hit the academic journals just to see what they say (expect part III of Jesus' Love has no bounds).

Apart from Mahari and Grandin's writings, I think of the line in Phil Whickham's song "Jesus Your Love has no bounds." I was reminded of that tonight as I prayed for the single-parent family. Did I know exactly what they needed? No. But I knew that God did. I know that He gives love and compassion beyond what I can do. Therefore, the most loving thing I could do is pray. And when the mom came home, I was able to chat with her to the best of my ability. She cried just having someone there, and it struck me that I was able to give to her. I am not suddenly devoid of being able to share love and concern just because I'm realizing that I might not always do it the typical way. This is 2 Corinthians 4:7. I am a broken jar in which God has filled with compassion and love beyond what I can hold. He tips me over, and it pours over and out - through the cracks also - but the promise is that God and not this little broken jar will be seen.

Jesus Your Love has no Bounds

Blogger notes: You know you're getting into some serious blogging when you realize, "Hey I have another blog! I have to update it." and you filter which thoughts go into which blog. Also note, I am updating these from 2 email addresses, hence why there seems to be two authors. Nope. Just me & myself haha! ;)


My roommate and I were blasting some worship music while we were cleaning and we were listening to Phil Whickham's "Jesus Lord of Heaven."

Your love is deeper / than any ocean
Higher / than the heavens
Reaches / beyond the stars in the sky

Jesus Your love has no bounds / Jesus Your love has no bounds


Oh yes, I wrote about this in my journal :)


from my journal
Jesus' love has no bounds. Even when we can't feel it perfectly - when sin gets in the way or our own development gets in the way. 


These thoughts continued
When we study emotional availability, a lot of kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) have difficulty responding to parents' love. But does that mean they can still feel love? Temple Grandin has written about how her difficulties in expressing love had caused others to withdraw from her, so she had that drive to feel that closeness somehow. After calming some of her sensory issues, she was more able to express / receive physical affection, and thus emotional affection.


Recently, I have wondered how to share the Gospel with people affected with ASD. I am growing in showing and receiving love and affection, but because of my past attachment and developmental history, I struggled in that area. Sometimes I find it is still hard to love a God that's both imminent and transcendent, yet has only appeared in physical form from 0 - 33AD. Yet, this song shows that it is Jesus who first shows His love to everyone - those with typical struggles and those with a bit more challenges. While we were all sinners He died for us. One of my dear friends compared trusting in Jesus to getting up out of what we were trusting in and sitting in His lap. What a cool analogy to share that is concrete and speaks to physical tactile needs! I must always trust in my own life and in others' that Jesus' love has no bounds!

The hardest parenting class ever

In undergrad, I slacked off during my HDFS parenting class in because I had the MCAT to study for. In graduate school, I took classes on parenting interventions and learned how parents (and society) can screw things up for kids, and how us interventionists were sent to fix them. Then during Infusion, I learned from amazing Christian parents how Christ can be their perfect interventionist so He flows out of their parenting in an imperfect world.

God decided that He would add a lab component to my "parenting classes." One of the single parents at church needed a nanny for 2 weeks before her two children (boy & girl, 6 & 5) went to school. My HDFS side began to start labelling them by socioeconimic status (SES), high or low risk, and began looking for possible defecits in the kids. This isn't necessarily wrong, but God reminded me to look at more than what my HDFS side could see, and view them not as 'cases' but as children in need of His care.

Thus has followed nearly 2 weeks of being their stand-in mom. I know I'm not perfect. More importantly, it's showing me how far my degree can go, and how much I need God's grace to cover the rest. For instance, today, the kids were tired and they wante to swim, and I wanted to wait until it was warmer outside. Thus tantruming more than usual ensued, and somewhat 'climaxed' into both kids getting sent to their room. I asked God what was the deal. What did He want to teach the kids and myself, and was I being power-hungry or really in the kids' best interest for not giving in. God revealed that they were learning patience and I was learning that even though I had to discipline and seemed mean, I could then give grace and repair the relationship. God gave me the verse from Hosea 6:1-2 where it basically says that God does tear down and injure temporarily, but in love because He is love (1 John 4:8) and that He repairs the relationship when His children come back. That is what happened. After the kids were done with time-out, I was able, through Christ, to love these kids and enjoy their company. I then prayed that the relationship was repaired.

However, the most important thing I have learned was that, unlike what the HDFS department teaches, I am not above the moms I serve. In fact, I still have a lot to learn. Just by serving me even though she can't pay for my services is teaching me about being creative with gratitude. And she has taught me that it's ok to be transparent about not having life or the Christian walk together, because it shows that God is truly active at the present. God has used the conversations before and after my hours to encourage me, and I pray to encourage her.

From this, I'm learning that parenting is rough. Laying in bed knowing another day is ahead of me, making the choice to parent in my flesh and HDFS knowledge or in Christ is one of the roughest decisions to make. However, God has shown me that loving the children through the love and grace He has first lavished on me and wishes to show these children is the best way. His love and grace will cover any of my mistakes, their times of disobedience, and hurts these children may experience in this world.

Why the Sick Need the Great Physician

I haven't written in this blog since I have been busy in El Paso doing service projects, working, and sharing the Gospel for Christ.

Recently, one of our HDFS professors has fallen very ill. She is recovering, albeit slowly. Her family and friends in and out of the HDFS department have organized a website to record her progress and for her to read well-wishes people have sent to her once she is awake enough to stare at a computer monitor for decent amounts of time.

Most of the well-wishes were very characteristic of the HDFS department - wishing for general goodness to come her way, "Sending loving thoughts and healing energy / karma / positive feelings" your way. Those sentiments are not bad, and they can generally be encouraging.

However, they are not enough. One's thoughts cannot traverse time and space, they are confined to the cognitive pathways and neural circuits in our brains. The only Person who's words traversed space and time to create the darkness, light, and every living organism to the streptococcus bacterium, the amoeba, the diatom and to the enormity of galaxies is Yaweh, by His Son Jesus Christ and the Spirit of Life, the Holy Spirit.

This is what is missing from the guest book. From my friend's thoughts, and that is vexing me almost as much as the fact that my professor could still not make it out. The fact that God may allow this for this department to seek Him to find Him - the source of Truth, the source of all Good that He can truly give across space and time.

I plead with you, HDFS students, faculty, staff, in CSU, in VTech (where this professor got her degrees), and friends / family that know her: You need to pray to God. I plead for you to to acknowledge the supremacy of Christ - not just 'feel good' thoughts. I plead for you to understand that the God of this Universe is holding our professor in His sovereign hands that were pierced on Calvary for her and all of us. I pray earnestly that you understand that you need to encourage our professor with Truth from His lips, His Word, His healing Word. That is what is true hope. Not vauge notions of thoughts floating through space and time, of good karma, or positive energy, but the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord who has made her and us lovingly, atom by atom, DNA strand by DNA strand.

I pray this so that you will turn to Christ and accept His salvation and truly worship Him whether He heals this professor or takes her from this world, and I do earnestly pray, with tears at times, that He will preserve her life, lead her to the Cross, so at the end of her life, she may join worshippers - from our ranks and from every nation tribe and tounge to worship our true Lord in Spirit and Truth.

Fear's Effects on Families and my Plea for an Intervention

Today at church, we heard this Mother's Day message. I cried within the 1st five minutes because our pastor spoke about how fear can paralyze everyone, especially women, because our role is entrustment of ourselves to another - whether it is a husband and/or God. He discussed implications of fear driving parenting: leading to harshness or intrusiveness. In HDFS terms, intrusive parents can create overcontrolled children who can express this in anxiety/depression or acting out.

Later, I read one of my other friend's posts about numbers of children / family declining in a recession and for government officials pushing family planning during a recession. Fear can effect a family by viewing the children parents are supposed to be raising for good as burdens that take away resources.

I have commented on that post saying that interventionists say that parents have a finite amount of emotional resources that have been built over time through their interactions with their parents, teachers, friends, their present marriage, and favorable circumstances in their lives. Unhealthy childhoods, marital problems, and unfavorable circumstances deplete this emotional tank, and the resources left must be distributed within the marriage, life in general, and parenting. In this view, if parents have problems in their marriage or are in constant poverty or crisis, experts must come in and help them fill their emotional tank and give advice on how to parent.

Support and advice outside the family are not necessarily wrong, and actually should be encouraged if this support and advice is followed with this Truth: That Christ came and died for our sins to bring us close to God. If we accept this, we have a strength that comes from Him, love that comes from Him and never runs dry if we rely on God to fill us.

This is true intervention because it comes from Truth, and its source is everlasting. He is a father to the fatherless, a defender of widows. He wants to repair marriages because He has ordained marriage to reflect His image on the earth.

This is why I pray that people in my field come to know Christ. Because they need His hope. This is why I cannot stay silent in my classes about the true hope people can have about about the hope the local church can and is bringing to families. This is why I cannot stay silent about hope having to come from outside ourselves rather than within. I have tried to draw on hope from within myself. It has always run dry. I either had to do anything I could to let out the pain, or shut down and block out the pain to keep going. With God as my hope, I lay my burdens at His feet and He gives me strength to keep going.

This is what I pray for when I think about families in my church, AWANA, or elsewhere. I pray that they can know God and God can be their true interventionist. This is also what I pray for myself - if God would have me marry and begin a family. I pray that we, along with other families will have a foundation in Christ. In Him, we have a reservoir of strength and love. In entrusting ourselves to Him, we have no fear.

Whether in the Burbs or in the Hood, Problems Arise

For a lot of risk and resilience literature, researchers have focused on poor families because they have less resources to deal with life. However, researchers are also focusing on middle and upper-middle class children because they are discovering that these children have unique challenges. These challenges often include over-scheduling, being pushed to over-achieve, and being unsupervised because the parents are too busy to attend to them.

I was listening to Leeland's song Tears of the Saints. That made me cry because I realized that truly no one is immune from the effects of the world. People in a lower socioeconomic group may have stronger family bonds because they need to rely on each other more, but they are told by the society that they are lesser. People in upper class have to maintain their status and that becomes a relentless god they serve. Yet in both - acquiring or keeping resources - if that is the the sole purpose in life will leave all empty, all depressed, discontent, leading to less emotion to give to children and the family, which may lead to children having less of a future.

What's the solution? I would sound trite by saying it is Christ, but in a way, I do not. Hoping in a sovereign God will allow for less stress for a family making ends meet, for they know that somehow, God will come through to pay that unexpected bill. Trusting in the hope laid up in heaven makes the momentary troubles more bearable, and they know it is to tese their faith to prove it genuine. Hope in Christ for people in the 'burbs allows for less stress when the stock-market plummets. They also know their resources are not for themselves, bot to give to to others. Hope in Christ for all families allows the love He has to flow from them into their children, so the children can know Him and have a future set on His truth in this life, and everlasting joy in the next. So, yes. Truly, Christ is the solution - He is the I AM for all generations, classes, and the everlasting resilience factor.

Attachment to God

So, I just read in 1 Samuel about Hannah giving Samuel up to the service of the Lord. She weaned him before he was able to go to the Temple. I thought about this and I wondered, from an attachment perspective, how that must've worked.

At about 2-3 is where children learn obedience and have the verbal capacity to carry on conversations. He could also eat most of the food adults eat, so Eli didn't have to worry about formula or anything like that. Caregiving for Eli and the rest of the priests would consist of discipline and teaching him how to read and basically prepare him for his duities. Of course, they probably had times where he sat on their laps & they read to him, but I am guessing that he was a toddler when he went into their care.

So, he might have time to develop an attachment relationship to Hannah. I wonder how that went. He couldn't have been avoidant because he established rapport with the priests & the people. He probably wasn't dependent because there was nothing about hims struggling to adjust or him having anxiety about being away from Hannah. Of course, his first few weeks, even if he was securely attached were probably hard.

How did Hannah help Samuel maintain a secure attachment yet know she was going to give him to Eli? I think she loved him with the love God had for her, and she knew that His love would sustain her even upon giving Samuel up. I believe she also told Samuel about God from a very early age. This is where my HDFS speculation can begin :) When she sang prayers to him, I wonder if God was tugging on his heart. At 7-8 months, if he was crawling around and saw a flower, did he smile - really have a social smile toward his Creator? I bet Hannah taught him words like 'mama & papa' but also Yaweh. When I think about it, he could have learned to say it at around 12 months. This is where I can speculate that she probably prayed and trusted that God would speak to Samuel and he would respond even at a young age.

He then could have had an attachment to God - the anchor of his soul, and this securest of attachments could have seen him through that caregiving transition from Hannah to Eli.

Resilience of God

So, for the past few weeks in Risk & Resilience, we have been studying what allows a person to overcome hard times. Over and over again, it's been stated that self-esteem, intelligence, competence, talents, appraisal, and alternate caregivers help tremendously. Yet, scars remain. I just read an article that details that. I do get this, and these things: kind relatives & teachers, my own intellect, and talents in music and writing helped me get through less scathed than I would have been. However, I know they are not enough. They weren't enough the two or three times I almost took my life in high school. They weren't enough to give me a purpose beyond academic aspirations, to tell me that I was attractive, to ask the hard questions of "Why me?"

I get so frustrated with these articles because they do not address full liberty from your past. Granted that won't come in this life, but the hope of liberty should be there. "It is for freedom that Christ set us free." Galatians 5:1. Christ gives me hope to live through my days, He is my righteousness, and I can approach God as His daughter. I acknowledge God's sovereign hand in everything, therefore, the hard questions become easier. I can rejoice that there is a stronger Person carrying me, and He comforts me when I do still cry about things. This is true resilience, that goes beyond any journal article, any measure.

I pray somehow, that I can share this with my classmates, and with others in my field.

Godward Growth-Spurts

According to current developmental knowledge, when people develop, they go through cognitive, emotional, and social re-organization at each major phase. This results in some set-backs in some areas, but when all of them have moved forward, this new phase is qualitatively and quantitatively different from the previous phase. For example, a child's pre-school years are different from the elementary school years. During the transition to elementary school, the children may temporarily lag or go back a little in some skills - for example, they may not share as well in the afternoons if they are transitioning from half to full-day school because they are getting used to being away from home. But this regression is short lived.

In my spiritual life, I am undergoing a growth-spurt. Some things such as my understanding of God's sovereignty over my career & future life, God's healing of my past, ability and scope of serving, and general doctrinal knowledge are growing. Other things, I've noticed have taken a bit of a regression, but God has made me aware, and I know that through His strength, I can catch up quickly. I notice I'm more emotional during this stage, which is also somewhat of a key element in a developmental stage. This just means more of God's power has to be manifest to control things as I develop, so I will continue to allow God to display His splendor through this transition.

How long is this growth-spurt? I have no idea. There was one in Boulder, and maybe that's when it started. A lot of it was after recovering from a particularly bad 18 months. Yet yesterday, I know that I was healed from that time since I was able to tell my HDFS class how amazingly God has pulled me through. This is signaling that my current spurt is levelling out. I have run a sprint up a mountain to a plateau, and I am now surveying the view and re-grouping.

Praise be to God who brings us higher up & further in during this life, and into His presence where the true Story begins (CS Lewis, Chronicles of Narnia).

Tears cry out from the paper

Yup. I am nearly done with the lit review. Meaning I'm in the last editing stages before I turn it in to my advisor for her final editings.

I haven't touched that thing since last month, so I keep forgetting how much research on divorce's effects on parents and children I have found. I remember doing a lot of this research over the summer and piecing this together. Sometimes when I was alone, I would cry. I thought of all the families I had seen and some of the families the researchers described. there was a lot of pain there. Of course, I know a lot of friends that adjusted well from divorce, but I know there are a lot of people that have not adjusted well.

So when I read the lit review, I am reminded of the pain many families are in. When I cry I remember pain from dealing with some children throughout the years that have issues from their parents' divorce. And I cry because we as researchers know divorce is generally not a good thing, yet a lot of researchers really are critical of the traditional family.

Yet I have a lot of hope. Every time I read this, I think about the single parent ministry at our church and know that Christ has not forgotten about these parents and children. He is there pulling them to Him to give them life and hope.

This is what I must always remember. My thesis should not just be merely a research project on my way to getting my master's. It should help me be compassionate, help, and pray for real families, real children crying tears - for them to come to know a real Father who will give them salvation through His Son.

Childhood Obesssion

So, of course I had to post a blog about the Octuplets. There is more of an analysis of her story here. Something that struck me was that she wanted to have a large family to show these children love and support that she never had. Her mother had said that she had an obsession with children and wanting to care for many children.

That struck me, because, in a way, I am the same. Instead of taking in 14 children as my own, I have cared for many in the nursery, Sunday school, and various other church programs. I also really enjoyed my time at the Early Childhood Center at CSU. Part of the reason I am involved in working with children is to give them the love and care that I didn't have for the 1st two years of my life in an orphanage. For example, when I feed a baby (even when he spits up all over me!) I am grateful he gets this attention, because I know myself, and many other children from institutions were fed from bottles propped up on blankets, instead of being held.

Yet, this mother and I differ on one very important way. I ran to God and washed myself in His Word for healing. I turned to Him as my Husband. And I know that the children in my care are truly His. It is for His kingdom that I work and tell these children about Him. I am not firstly there for my needs, though my background influenced me to work with children. I am there because all children - all people need God as a Savior. I come to these children "in my brokenness complete" (Starfield - Unashamed). These children do not complete my brokenness. This is our difference, and I pray that God can do the same for this woman and her children what He did for me.