Colorado State of Body Image

Sometime this summer I’m going to start the diet in the book “State of Slim.” Several co-workers did the diet and one was kind enough to purchase the book for me since I showed interest in the book (and hopefully getting my Bri-Bri on board).

One thing this makes me think of is my body image issues. I blogged about that earlier, but it’s been a while.

Even though I’m married and I have a husband that loves my body the way it is because he loves the soul inside, I still get hung up on my body image sometimes. For example, my mom tells me I have to stay a good weight to have a healthy pregnancy (when the time comes), and sometimes if I’m hanging out with my mom and I’m wearing a more form fitting top, she asks me if I’m putting on weight.  Then all those thoughts of “I’m not skinny enough, I’m too fat in my mom’s eyes, I’m not ideal enough.” Come into my head.

I’m incorporating more jogging/walking and weight lifting into my life because I just sit at a desk all day. Also, with the amount of sweets my co-workers, clients, and I bring into the kitchen, exercise is necessary so we all don’t become blobs haha! I’m also drinking slim fast shakes for meals sometimes, especially if I indulge in a really fatty meal with my mother in law or if we go to the store and I get a yummy treat.

Even though I still have my negative body image thoughts, I am making these changes more for my overall health. I do have hypertension and my mom and I wonder if it’s hereditary since I haven’t been eating really bad food for most of my life. I also have been doing some research on preemie/very low birth weight babies and long term outcomes. The studies seem to say that our bodies are more vulnerable to disease etc. in adulthood since we didn’t get so great of a start earlier in life. Therefore, I see these lifestyle changes more in a preventative light.

I know the body image thing will be a battle when I do this diet so changing my thinking to say it is a preventative program helps. My husband telling me now that I am beautiful helps keep those negative thoughts away, and knowing I am made by a loving Creator is the ultimate way of silencing any negativity around the unique way that I am made.

9 Months a Stepmom

Little Batman in a little bat-cave

As of May 16, I've been a stepmom for 9 months. Wow! I met Daniel when he was 8 when he was out in Colorado for spring break. Brian and I went to  the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo with him. When he wanted to ride the ski-lifts up the mountain and when we were on them, he leaned out far to look and I instinctively put my arm in front of him.

Now he's a big 10 year old eating off the grown-up menu. This May, Bri-Bri got him some Lego Movie sheets because he was getting too old for his Cars sheets. When he sprawled out on his bed to test his sheets and rest his head on the Emit side of his pillow, I noticed he's 2/3 of the length of the bed. His shoes are almost as large as mine - almost. He's still smaller and shorter than me and has to use a booster seat in the car.

Seeing myself as a valid part of the parenting team took a few months. I found myself conforming to the idea that I wasn't Daniel's 'real' parent because he didn't share my DNA or I didn't have a court order of adoption with his name on it. Yet I reminded myself that step-parent has the word parent in it. Therefore, I could think of myself as a parent even though Daniel docent call me mom. I'm OK that he doesn't call me mom. He has a real mom in Fountain, Colorado and he also calls his step-father by his first name.

The support I receive as a new stepmom has been immensely helpful. Beth at work has been a really great resource.  She has a six-year old step-daughter.I talked to her a lot those first few months after marriage and the months before. Oddly enough, drafting estate plan summaries helped validate my position as a step mom. Clients who have their stepchildren serve as fiduciaries meant that they trusted those children in that role. Clients who left their stepchildren a share of their trust or estate meant that they wished to provide for the children beyond their lives.

The coolest validation came from my mom when she mentioned my wedding in her Christmas card. She said something about how she has a sweet son-in-law and step-grandson. Did I cry in a good way? Oh, yes, I did. Of course, Mom still gets questions from me that start out: "So when I was a kid did you ever..." One day she told me that she thought I was good stepparent to Daniel. Again, I cried in a good way.

I'd be lying if I didn't say there were challenges in being a stepparent. One of the hardest things is watching him long for more dad time and wondering why the judge allowed his mother to take him to Pittsburgh for so long. I also struggle with not holding a grudge against Daniel's mother when she frustrates my Bri-Bri. When I hear about others reacting to his ADD/ potential Asperger moments, I get upset because his needs are not getting met when others don't react to him in an understanding way.  Daniel's past hasn't been easy and I want him to have a better smoother development than I had.  As a step-mom, I do what I can to give him the love and support he needs when he is with Bri-Bri and I. 

Letting Bri-Bri take charge of the parenting wasn't hard for me. He's a good dad and he connects with Daniel well. I enjoy being the supportive adult who reinforces what Bri-Bri says. I have had to get used to allowing Daniel to be more vocal about his disappointment or about his frustration that I was allowed to be when I was growing up.  I want to teach Daniel things that will help him, so the important thing is sharing that with my Bri-Bri so we can approach these things as a parenting team. 

The best part of being a step-mom is having the opportunity to love a really sweet unique little guy. I'm thankful that I get to be an influence in his life and I pray for guidance in this role. Most of all, I pray God will use me in his life so he comes to know his Savior. Being part of Daniel's life and seeing him smile and grow is a blessing indeed :) 

Daniel and I in front of a Lego US Capitol

Welcoming my love home sweet home

There's something sweet about seeing my love off to work and welcoming him when he comes home :)  My Bri-Bri has a part time job at a parenting supervision site where he observes parents who are spending time with their children in the contet of supervised visitation. He got this job after his internship with the same agency and I am proud of him!!

Anyway, I am waiting for him to come home so he can have someone to hug and tell about his day. There's just something sweet and 'homey' about that, and there's something sweet in wishing him a good shift as I kiss him before he walks out the door :)

This sweetness goes both ways :) I feel happy when my sweet hubby kisses me in the mornings at the light rail station and wishes me a good day, and feel happy when I come home from a day at work and get to hold his hands and kiss his lips when I get into the car to go home from the light rail station.

As we go on in our marriage, I hope we don't take these little gestures for granted because having each other before and after we go and work a day at the office or a morning at the parenting place is a sweet ending to a work day and the begining of us reconnecting for the rest of the day.

Aaaaww! :)

Ephesians 5 for God

We are studying Ephesians at Southeast Christian Church. Today we'd cover the second part of Ephesians including the bits about husbands and wives. At Summitview, we talked about this in the form of compliementary roles. Thus, I got very used to the same message preached whenever Ephesians 5 was taught.

 

Southeast's teaching wasn't radically different, but the pastor emphasized the verse on submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. He discussed employee / employer relationships, spousal relationships, dating relationships, friendships, and parenting as it relates to Ephesians 5:21.

I have heard this before, but what struck me today was that I was to submit not just to be a good Christian or to be a more biblical wife, but out of reverence for Christ. Whether it was doing housework while my sweet hubby works on his homework for his Human Services degree, or whether it's bookkeeping for our joint account as a role we mutually agreed I would do, I am doing it not just for 'good wife' awards, but because I want to love my sweet hubby the way Christ loves me. Same with helping my stepson. I want to be a good stepparent to him, not to show off my HDFS skills or to get praises for being his at-Dad's-house-interventionist, but because I love him and I want to love him like Christ loves him. For both my guys, I ask God what He wants me to do to love them so that they both grow in their faiths toward Him more. Submission and roles in a marriage and family are not 'who can do a role better' competitions. Today's message reminded me these roles and whys of submission are because God loved us and gave Himself for us, so we may imitate Him to show His light to the world.

Proverbs 5 Just Got Real

Today's reading in the Southeast reading guide was Proverbs 5 where Solomon was instructing his son to listen to wisdom. Before I became a stepmom, I would read this and know the importance of wisdom. 

Today, as I read the words, "My son..." I looked over at my step-son who was knocking out bad guys with The Hulk on his Wii-U. I thought of Solomon writing these words as he watched his son and suddenly Proverbs 5 took on a whole other meaning. 

My guys ready to save the day on Halloween! 

If Daniel values wisdom, he will make good choices as he grows up. He will listen to God, the source of wisdom. He will not waste his time and money on things that do not matter. 

I paused as I read the bit about adultery and thought about how teenage boys can be enticed by seeing bad things on the internet and even hypersexualized TV and movies. Daniel is a sweet stepson, kind to his cousins who are girls, and likes making his baby sister at his mom's house giggle. I prayed Daniel would keep that kindness and respect for women as he gets older and not see them only as objects. My sweet Bri-Bri is teaching him how to be a good man, and that is something I am very thankful that Daniel has in his life. 

When reading the bit where Solomon instructs his son to love the wife of his youth, I prayed that Daniel would find a wife that would love him for who he is and be his helpmate. 

Proverbs isn't a list of wise things to note. Proverbs is a letter from a father to a son. Solomon loved his son and wanted the best for him, so he wrote Proverbs to instruct him. I love Daniel and want him to know God and follow Him. That is why I prayed the words of Proverbs 5 over him today. 

Newbie Bride's response to thoughts on Egalitarianism vs. Complementarian Prespectives

First of all: COFFFEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Bri-Bri and I got coffee at Starbucks mainly because Bri-Bri needed it to finish his homework. I also apparently needed it to help him proof his papers. So apparently, my HDFS writing skills are coming out of hibernation WOO HOO! 

THUMBS UP FOR CAFFEINE! Note my sweet Husband's shiny
dome above my shoulder! 

Speaking of adventures as a helpmate and life partner to my sweet hubby, two posts on men and women's roles got me thinking about how they manifest in my new marriage. The first one is here and the second one is here. The emphasis on my perspective are the words: new marriage. We are still working life out, but I thank my friend for  his thoughts so that I can ponder what I learned and how it can apply to my life. 

Sweet Bri-Bri, Best Lil' Man, and I

First of all, my friend has anecdotes in his two blog posts about guys being jerks to their wives. That's just wrong and I wanted to smack those dudes. My Bri-Bri would want to as well because he knows that's no way to be a man. I think guys like that just use the 'submit' thing as an excuse and a swift kick in the nuts would set them right. 

Second of all, I agree that our old church was very adamant about women and men having different roles. I looked forward to being my husband's helpmate and I do enjoy helping him with things such as proofing his papers for school (1 year away from getting his B.S. in Human Services on his road to being a counselor!!!!) and doing chores when he is busy. I enjoy it because it is a tangible way of showing him love. Do I feel like he has a more important role as main breadwinner? No. I bring home some dough too as a legal assistant. We make decisions about the budget together, but I let him lead on big decisions such as when to open a joint account.

More importantly,  do I find my identity as a wife defined by how well I keep house or by how well I support my husband? Ok, sometimes. But do I feel like my role is lesser than his or that I have to submit to him in everything? No. He always tells me that he trusts me as his helpmate and advisor. Does he think he must provide to be a good husband? He wants to give me the freedom to stay at home if God has that for my life once we have children, but does he respect my decision to stay in a career if that's what I choose? Yes. Does he expect me to clean for him? He appreciates the help and he tells me. Most importantly, he appreciates what I bring to the relationship, and I appreciate what he brings as well. 

Given our attitudes about our roles, my husband doesn't automatically assume that he's a leader and I am a follower. We are equal partners with different strengths we bring to the relationship. For example, though he makes more money, I have bookkeeping skills learned through my position in my law firm. Therefore, I am the bookkeeper of the joint account. Both of us have the Budget Meeting mentioned in the Dave Ramsey class. My Bri-Bri is a good listener and helps me switch from task oriented 'I want to fix my Bri-Bri's probems' to 'I want to listen to my Bri-Bri' if he is discussing an issue. He is good at keeping his CD's contained in fairly neat piles in the living room and bedroom, and I am good at straightening the pantry and making sure no new strains of mold emerge in our refrigerated leftovers. In all these examples, no skill is prioritized as more important over the other. We both realize we work as a team, and we are equals on Team Abraham. 

Some of this was hard to wrap my head around. I wanted a man who had several hundred verses memorized, the books of the Bible memorized, had a theological encyclopedia in his head, made a six-figure income so I could begin making my Pinterest dreams reality, and was able to do a zero balance budget on a spreadsheet within the first week of being married. Basically, I wanted the idea of SuperHusband that I thought was the ideal at my old church.  In my thoughts, I would become critical of my sweet husband if he didn't meet all these criteria. 

I have a man who is growing in his faith, is not afraid to share his struggles in his faith, who gives thanks to God daily, and who is passionate about leading his son to Christ and encouraging his wife in her faith. I have a man who loves to sing worship to God in choir and a man who holds me in his warm arms to show me love. I have a man who kisses my tears away and reminds me that God is sovereign over my concerns. My man provides for us and is grateful for my contributions as we are both working our way out of debt. He views conversations about money as a team effort and recognizes both his and my perspectives. He trusts me with the bookkeeping of our joint account. I have a man who doesn't have the whole Bible memorized, but he demonstrates God's love to his wife, his son, his family, and his in-laws. Basically, though I don't have the Super-Husband that I conceptualized as a single college woman, I have a man who loves me and is an active partner in our life and active in his pursuit of God. I have a man that is passionate about loving me and who I am passionate about loving in return. 

So, is my marriage strictly complimentary or egalitarian? If you ask these questions regarding our marriage:  Is the marriage where the woman is the homemaker and the man is the provider? If the woman works, does she also have primary responsibility for the house? Does the man make all the important decisions? Then I would say we are egalitarian rather than complimentary. We share in household duties, though I tend to do more cleaning, but Bri-Bri does his fair share. As stated before, we are partners in our finances, and we both discuss our faith journeys together. 

If you ask these questions: Do our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other? Do we work as a team? Do I encourage my Bri-Bri to lead our family spiritually because he sees it as a role he wants to embrace? Does he recognize that God may call me to stop working once we have children? Then the answer would be we are a mixture of both egalitarian and complementary thought. 

Is that bad? I don't think it is. God is weaving two unique lives into one joined unique life. Does He have basic Truths - the most central Truth is that of Grace, Forgiveness, and Redemption through The Cross - to speak into our marriage? ABSOLUTELY YES! Will we follow a strict pre-set pattern for marriage? I dunno. Will both of us listen to God, pray for each other, our marriage, Bri-Bri's son, and our future children? Absolutely yes. The perspective we have on marriage is this: God is the Author and the Redeemer of our lives and our marriage who guides us every day. 

The Songs From the Summer of Ouch

Long time NO BLOG!!! Right???

Anyway, yesterday and today my huaband and I were listening to Jeremy Camp's "Stay" and "Carried Me" CD's in the car. 

Those were my "go to" CD's when my uncle was really sick one summer and I was trying to get over a hard core crush on a non-believer. Yeah long story. Summer of 2004 was the Summer of Ouch. My uncle was sick with terminal cancer and I was supporting my mom's grieving process and dealing with my own process. Also, God was addressing an area in my life where I was not trusting Him. You can probably see my posts related to this event within this blog. 

At any rate, listening to these songs again brought back memories of the pain, but they also made me aware of how much God grew my faith in that time. Listening to these songs was bittersweet because the pain twinged in my heart even as my heart praised God for giving me the sustaining grace to get through each day and showing me what it means to have joy that surpasses dark circumstances. 

God received glory in this moment as He does in every moment, but especially where His strength is displayed in our weakness and His joy shines through our sorrow. God healed me more because He once again revealed that He does not waste pain.