6 months of growing a human!

Well, I've been away from the blogsphere for a while, but for a good excuse! 

In February, I found out that I was pregnant. I was home from work due to an epic snowstorm and I thought, "Well, I've been feeling a bit off lately, I wonder if there's something up with me." So, I took a pregnancy test and lo and behold, it came back positive. 

Bri-Bri was sweet and understanding when I told him even when I was scared. He reminded me that God was in control. He also was excited and asked me if I felt excited. Honestly, my first response was that my mom would worry about us being unprepared for parenthood. Good friends reminded me that no one is really prepared and that made me feel a little better :)  

Bri-Bri made me smile even on rough days!

The First Trimester

Growing a human and riding the light rail don’t always play well together, as in I got motion sickness the first few times I rode the light rail after eating a normal breakfast. After I began eating more of my breakfast at work, I wasn’t disembarking the train and running to the nearest trash can.

Thanks to being nauseous, I didn't eat much, so I slept a lot. Bri-Bri was sweet and would come in an check on me as I burrowed under the covers. Even before I got my visible bump, he was already telling me how strong I was with growing a baby and how proud he was of me taking care of the baby by eating healthy (when I could) and taking my prenatal vitamins.

The first trimester was also the time I worried a lot. I told my mom that she would be a grandma and she was a bit worried about how we’d manage with a baby and with Daniel and living in a 2 bedroom place with no 3 bedroom house or apartment lined up in  the near future. Bri-Bri assured me that we would begin looking for a place and if not, he was already brainstorming on where we could fit a little crib in our room. 

So, basically, I was nauseous, tired, and worried during a lot of my first trimester.

However, I still had happy moments. Seeing lil’ baby on the eight week ultrasound was pretty cool! It looked like a little lump, so for about four weeks, it had the nick-name “baby lump” or “lumpy.” Bri-Bri could see where its little heart was beating because he saw a flashing dot on our little lump that the nurse pointed out was a little heart.

Second Trimester

The nausea went away woo hoo!!! More importantly, we got to see baby at the 12 week ultrasound! It was moving around a bit and I thought I saw it opening and closing its little hands. It moved in response to Bri-Bri speaking and that was super cute! At 16 weeks, we heard the little heart beat!

Also at 16 weeks, I started to get a “bitty baby bump” which Bri-Bri quickly nick-named the baby “bip.” He would talk to it when he would kiss my stomach and that was really sweet!

At about 20 weeks, I occasionally felt little flutters and thumps happening beneath my belly-button. Baby was moving and from then on, I have felt more frequent thumps or wiggles or little movements in there.

At the 24 week ultrasound, we found out our little baby boy was healthy! The first thing I said to Bri-Bri when the tech told us that we were having a boy was, “You’re teaching him to go potty, dear.” Daniel’s face was priceless when we told him because he was grinning and it was way too cute!

Entering the Third Trimester

Most notably, our little guy is on the move a lot more. Even as I type this blog post, I feel him bumping against the edge of my  computer which is gently resting on my (shrinking) lap and his little home. Yesterday we got to hear his heartbeat again. The obstetrician said both he and I were healthy!

I am also hungry a lot more. Case in point, I’m snacking on some wheat bread and peanut butter before dear Hubby warms up some Marie Calendar lasagna. Little guy needs fuel for his last in utero growth spurt!

Bri-Bri, Baby boy bump, and I!

Hopes and dreams for our little guy! 

Obviously, our hope is that he comes to faith in Christ and accepts Christ for his salvation. My hope is that he can come to us and other trusted adults with questions as he gets older and figures out what it means to have a belief system and code of ethics etc. 

I hope that he understands the power of resilience. As much as Bri-Bri and I would like to, we can't shield him from the hardships in this world. We hope that he wouldn't have any major catastrophes in childhood or in any stage of life that would impact his development later on, but we can't protect him from everything. Bri-Bri and I can share how our hardships tested our faith in God and gave us an opportunity to see Him work even in the hard times. We can also share how God has used us to help others who were going through similar hard times. We can show him that struggles in life can lead to someone being more empathetic. Of course, if he needs to vent about his situation or just needs a hug, we're there too! 

We both hope he sees Daniel as a good big brother and role model as Daniel will be 12 a few months after the baby is born. I also hope that I can maintain my connection with Daniel as his stepmom and reassure him that I don't love him any less even though I didn't carry him in me. During one conversation, I told Daniel that I carried him in my heart in a way once Bri-Bri and I were engaged because I knew he would become my stepson. That "carried in my heart" phrase was borrowed from a sappy adoption related pin on Pinterest, but hey, it's cool! 

Of course, as middle class American parents, we want our little guy to get a good education, make wise decisions about college (don't get into crazy student loan debt, choose a course of study that will make you happy and make you an income), and become financially independent. He doesn't have to be making six-figures, but we'd like him to be able to pay his bills, save for retirement, and provide for a family as a primary or equal breadwinner. 

Speaking of family, we'd be overjoyed to be at his wedding where he has found the love of his life, but we hope we can convince him to wait on God's timing and to find a spouse that truly loves him for who he is and I know Bri-Bri would want to teach him how to be a good spouse too. If he wanted to date someone who already had kids, I'd have input on how to love the kids of the person you love and how to trust God to grow your heart for their little family. 

Trusting God with this little guy's life and being a parent is going to be challenging, but God will give us grace, and all my parent friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, inlaws, and my mom would all say it is worth it! 

2015: The year of blogger slackdom

2015 was the year of blogger slackdom! 2015 was also the year of continued transition into married life. Now, some bloggers would post a ton about life transitions, but I guess I was so much in the thick of it that I hadn't had much time.

Last year, I also pondered the idea of monetizing the blog and making a bit of a second job out of maintaining this blog and my other blog: A Chance to be Loved. 

So what were my barriers?

• Time - between cleaning Dork Manor, bookkeeping for The Bank of Dorks (the joint account), hanging out with my lil' man when he was here, hanging out with sweet Bri-Bri, keeping up with my friends so they didn't feel like Katie was sucked into Planet Married-Land with no contact with earth, and stuff like that, I just didn't have time
• Solution: Time to bust out that Google Calendar! Oh, and my pink planner and actually make time for this! 
• Tentativeness: Do I really want to get more serious about blogging? Am I sure it will work? What if it doesn't work? 
• Solution: I just have to trust God if that is how He is leading me and I should probably talk to some Christian ladies I know who are bloggers so I can ask them for practical tips as well as how they trust God with this talent they have. 
• Also, listen to the Problogger podcast that I have on subscription. Actually do recommended exercises. No time? See point above. 
• I don't like delving into my past. Just when I saw that telling people about my past has been helpful to them, I realize that it's hard. I forgot how hard it was when I wasn't looking at it on a more regular basis. Yep, that's why my other blog came to a halt. 
• Solution: See point above and also discuss with sweet hubby and he can be my support. Other solutions include widening the support network. 

So yeah, that's my plan for 2016 to be the year of less blogger slackdom! We shall see how it goes, but making this first blog post of the year is a start! 

Psalm 1

Hubs and I are both starting our Psalm Journals: reflections on the Psalms and about how King David brought his feelings before the throne room of God. 

I had been looking for a way to journal them, and now here it is! I can update my content and do my quiet time all at once YAY! 

Ahem..

Psalm 1:

Psalm 1 reads more like an instruction list or advice column instead of one pouring out his heart to God. However, when I think about it, emotions are behind one's motivation to give instructions. 

When I instruct Daniel about social skills or when I help him solve a problem on his Wii or while doing his homework, I feel the need to share an important nugget of truth to make Daniel's life better. King David probably felt that sense of responsibility. Especially if he wrote Psalm 1 for his son, he would express love by instructing his son on how to live. True leaders that give the nation advice during an inaugural address or State of the Union feel a responsibility and love of sorts to their citizens; they wish to lead them on a path that will enrich their lives.

David urged his son (if he was writing to Solomon), and his constituents (being a King after all) to follow God. He wanted his son to see that as utmost importance. Therefore, he felt this sense of urgency to tell him to keep God at the center of his life and look to His word for guidance. 

A few weeks ago, I felt a deep longing for Daniel to know God. I was standing near Daniel during worship at Southeast while singing "Jesus Loves Me" by Chris Tomlin. I wanted Daniel to know that Jesus loved him just like Bri-Bri and I were proclaiming that He loved us. I sang, "Jesus, He loves you, He loves you, He is for you." and put my hand on Daniel's heart while giving him a hug. Sweet Bri-Bri did the same :) :) Together we felt this deep longing for Daniel to know this Truth, and I believe David wanted his people and his children to understand the importance of Yahweh being central in their lives. 

How did David bring this to God? Well, he recognizes God as "Lord" the more personal name for God, and he probably prayed for his people and his children to know God and walk with Him. 

In that same way, we can bring our longing for others to know Christ to God as well. We can pray for their salvation and we can listen to God's prompting as He uses us to speak truth into others' lives. 

For sweet Bri-Bri and I, we can lift Daniel up in prayer that he would know God, and we could listen for God's wisdom in how to speak to his young heart that his Creator, his Savior - the ultimate Superhero loves him and laid down His life so that he may live and love God.  

Good Good Father

Our choir playlists are posted to YouTube and shared with the choir FB page before we sing them on Wednesdays. As I clicked through the new songs, I saw this song now done by Chris Tomlin and I knew I was going to cry. Of course, I first listened to it on the bus, so I couldn’t start bawling then – ok, I could, but that would be weird. Inwardly, I thanked Matt, the guy who set up the playlist for previewing that song, because I grabbed a handful of kleenex for when actually sang that song that during choir practice.

It wasn’t until the next Wednesday when Dave Ramsey knocked me on my butt that I realized that my father wound still ran deep and God was using this song to continue my healing process.

Wait – Dave Ramsey? So… I was at work listening to the podcast and Dave was talking to the mom of an adopted 13 year old who wanted to go on his school trip and he didn’t work enough during the summer to pay for it. His mom was concerned because he was an international adoptee learning about the American monetary system and didn’t get it yet. Dave’s answer was this was a good opportunity to teach that child good money habits.

Hearing Dave’s heart for this kid and saying that if the thirteen year old boy was a Ramsey kid, this was how he’d would talk to him as his father. Out of nowhere, I started tearing up. I made it to the bathroom before closing the stall and crying. I didn’t want to cry really loudly in case my co-workers came in, but I was thinking, “Why did this podcast knock me on my butt and make me cry?” Hearing Dave saying that this kid needed a strong mother and father to show him the way touched my need for that same heart in a dad.

During that second choir practice singing Good Good Father I had my binder in front of my face even more than usual so Krissy didn’t see me bawling my eyes out. At some point, I couldn’t even sing and I felt God saying it was ok for me to cry, so I just cried.

I thought I was done with crying about not having an earthly dad. After all, I accepted Christ during my Freshman year of college back in 2002 and God really started showing me how He was like a dad after my sophomore year when He revealed that a crush I had on my professor was due to my need to find a father replacement.

My grandpa, Pa, had always been a father figure, but during my sophomore year, he started to develop dementia. I was loosing the only father like figure I knew, so I subconsciously looked for a replacement.

During that summer, I prayed to ask God to show me how He was my father. He was the one I could talk to when I couldn’t sleep, and He was the one who gave me a gift of riding on the side of a San Francisco cable car. My mom was afraid I’d fall off, but I felt God saying, “Daddy’s got you. Just enjoy the ride!” I was happy because Daddy put me on the cable car in a place where I could see everything.

He was my rock when Pa passed away and my mom was upset. He helped me get my mom and my aunt through it, even though I took a while longer to grieve because I stuffed my own feelings of sadness down so I could take care of them.

He gently nudged me to trust Him on my first date with Bri-Bri when I cried and sweet Bri-Bri wiped my tears.

When my uncle Steve walked me down the aisle I felt God’s presence at the wedding also and He provided what I needed for all the pieces to come together.

Even today, I watch how my Bri-Bri and Daniel play together and I smile knowing Daniel is lucky to have a dad. Even though he only spends the weekends and school breaks with his dad, he still has one. I guess I didn’t realize that I still had an ache in me until we started singing this song.

I cried during Good Good Father because I felt the pain again from not having a dad combined with the gratefulness of how God was filling that void. Pain and joy collided and it all resulted in my drawing closer to God for Him to wipe my tears and for me to give Him praise.

Not taking the Cross for Granted

During the Online Campus prayer partner stint, I listened to the segment about communion and I was like, "Yup, we're almost to the message." But I don't want Communion to come commonplace. I don't want The Cross to become commonplace because I would stop praying for my stepson's salvation and I would take God's grace for granted. 

So I stopped and pondered. 

When I survey the Wondrous Cross

On which the prince of Glory died

My richest gain I count but loss

And pour contempt on all my pride

Oh the Wonderful Cross

Oh the Wonderful Cross

Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live.

If I meditate on the truth that God graciously died in my place for my sins so I could be close to Him, if I meditate on the depths of that love and sacrifice, then I would not take the Cross for granted. 

Hey that wasn't so bad

So I just shared my  post: The Vortex of Love with my pastor because his sermon was about Christ's love filling us so we didn't need to demand love from others. If Christ fills us, we can truly selflessly love others. 

A few years ago, I would've walked away from that message in tears. A few years ago, the wounds from being the one to always fill the love wound in another's life were still raw. A few years ago, the physical wounds of self-injury as a result of all that were still dark on my skin rather than faint lines. A few years ago, I was allowing God to fully heal me, which  meant the wounds hurt more as He used His blood as antiseptic and stitched them together.

The feelings of low self-worth, of 'am I good enough' of, 'Why did God put me in that position for so long' are still there. The longer I sit and write this post, the more I don't want to write. But, the thoughts I have and the feelings I have are also, "God, Your praise will ever be on my lips because You redeemed me and You have healed me from this.", "God, You were there through my darkest days." The greater the storm, the louder our song. We sang Matt Redman's song "Loud" as a choir, and as I look at the storm God brought me through of the long years supporting another's self-worth and the pain of feeling like I wasn't doing enough, my praise is loud because God is teaching her that He is enough and God saved me so He can be enough for me for His praise and glory. 

Jumping into the Pool of Writing - or stepping in

I am taking the plunge and joining the world of professional writers - eeer.... sorta. Ok, I'm slowly wading into the pool of writing, but hey, at least I'm in.

Last week I joined TextBroker and so far made 4 dollars WOO HOO! From reading reviews, I know it's not the most lucrative opportunity, but my end goal is to not be a content writer.

I continue to update this blog and my newer blog and made it a goal to update these at least once a week. I don't always make this goal, but I am working toward it.

My ultimate goal is to become a published author. Stepping into the pool of writing is the beginning of this process.