When the feeling is (neurochemically) stripped away

Something I didn't mention on the vacation summary was that I did all that on 2x my normal dose of antidepressants that I take in very low doses for anxiety that comes with having an autism spectrum disorder. I decided ahead of time to up my dose (which my doctor said it was ok to do in times of stress) because I knew I'd be a formal caregiver for my mom, and to a lesser extent, my grandma and my aunt. It was hard being "lead staff" at the airport at DIA. I felt sensory overload coming on, and if I had aggressive tendencies, I probably would've thrown something. I was grateful that I was potentially 'overcompensating' by having more calming neurotransmitters in my brain for crisis situations that did actually come up. 

I went back to my normal dose after vacation, but I still felt emotionally 'blah.' it's like someone still hadn't turned back on half of my emotional connections that were somewhat suppressed on vacation. The basic emotions like happiness, sadness, fear, and anger I could still feel, but I didn't have access to more complicated or in depth emotions. 

  

This affected my relationship with God, along with not really being able to completely focus on reading the Bible and/or praying over vacation. I didn't feel motivated to pray or long for a connection with God. 

Yet I knew logically that connecting with God is good. God calls us to remain connected like a branch to the rest of the vine (John 15:5), and as I am one of His creation, and one of His redeemed, it's nice for me to check in :) I knew God's Word is spiritual nutrition, and depriving myself of that is like not physically feeding myself. 

During the time when I was going back to my normal dose and letting my brain 'reset' itself, I still felt like I was in an emotional dry spell. People would tell me things and I could logically empathize with them and feel sad or happy when they told me something, but I couldn't quite completely feel the complicated emotions they were feeling. I realized this during a meeting with some other people from Symbio. It felt good to tell people that I was in an emotional dry spell and needed my Creator's help to  connect to Him even if only the intellectual channel was open and also it would be nice if He helped my brain :D 

Well, good news, I think my brain has finally reset itself!!!!!!!!!!! I feel excited about a friend's bridal shower, and a greater depth of joy as I read the Bible and listened to some worship music. One thing that I think helped me connect to God was just to listen to truth (getting a Chris Tomlin CD from the library helped :D ) and just soak my brain in it. I just pondered it and reminded myself that it was logically consistent. Chris Tomlin's And if Our God is For Us CD has a lot of great theology packed into its songs! 

When many of my more complicated and deep emotions appeared neurochemically stripped away,  my belief in God was retained. My connection with God was retained of course through His Spirit and also because I have learned too much about God to just deny Him. I know He holds all things together and is the strength of the believer. I know He rebuilds and redeems and nothing can stop the rebuilding process for a people or for an individual (look at the books of Nehemiah and Ezra). I know He is sovereign, and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is Savior because Christ ressurected from the dead defeating death and sin. I felt happy being reminded of these truths and being reminded that they are logical and conceptually tied together in a lot of ways. Now that more emotion circuits are turned back on, I can feel a deeper joy and my love can grow more and more in knowledge and depth of insight (Philippians 1:9). I am glad that my growth is ultimately up to God and not dependent on my own emotions and neurochemistry!!!!!

So how was the vacation anyway?

So, yeah, I mobile blogged sort of in a bad mood haha!!!!! But really, I enjoyed my vacation. I went to a family reunion. The relatives were pretty neat to get to know. I'm not posting any pictures of them because I don't know how they would feel about their photos being in the blogsphere....


One of the first things we did was visit the Genesee Village and Museum. It was a working 1850's village. I nerded out asking about teacher training back in the day when Mom and I visited the school. This time was the first time I really felt like I was on vacation. That was nice :) I took a 'break' from walking around with Mom and walked around with some great aunts and cousins. It was fun to talk with them as we walked around.

The next place I visited was Niagara Falls. That was fun.Ok - it started out with me being more like a crisis-intervention staff for my mom because she was mad at her sister for not letting her out of the car sooner when she was trying to find a place to park. Mom had to go to the bathroom and we narrowly made it into a cafe. Mom was still pretty miffed and I dealt with that. 

But seeing the falls reminded me that God was bigger than all that. I'm pretty sure that Niagara Falls was formed after the Flood. At first I thought it was ironic that people were flocking to a place that was created out of the Flood which was an act of God's judgement. But seeing beauty in it reminded me that God was gracious too. Being reminded of who God is helped me relax and enjoy myself again :)

Yup. That's me. Mom and I went on the Maid of the Mist tour and I got a little wet. But it was so refreshing - it was like the stress of getting to the vacation and Mom's crisis just was washed away. I realized that when God says He's washing our sins away, it's not like standing under a regular garden hose, or even a nice shower. It's like standing under Niagara Falls. He washed my stress away and I enjoyed getting wet haha! Funny thing, the water was salty. After getting wet, I bought a cute stuffed duck that was wearing a little rain-jacket like the one I had on. She's cute. I named her Misty the Duck.

The next thing we did was go not the whole 15 miles, but about 3 miles down the Erie Canal on a boat tour. They had a live musician that was rocking an acoustic guitar. He was about Mom's age, so he knew a lot of the songs she liked. My favorite part of that trip was sitting next to my great-aunt Doris and singing along to some of the songs with her. That was fun because singing is just a neat way to bond with people. I also had a 'dance party' with my distant cousin Taysie. It felt sorta weird to be busting a move in front of everyone with her, but I realized I probably would've done it with one of my Summitview friends. When it was just time to relax and I didn't have any caregiving duties, I reminded myself just to be me. Sometimes it's hard being me when other people need me, but dancing around with Taysie was fun :) Also we got to go through the locks on the canal and that was pretty awesome!

Other than sight-seeing awesomeness, we just hung out as a family and talked. Sometimes it got tiring doing all that socializing, but it was nice sharing my life with everyone. They seemed to enjoy talking to my mom and I because they laughed in a good way a lot. Mom and I slept a lot on the plane back as did my aunt Flora. Flora got a kick out of watching the guys put the luggage on the plane while loading it onto a giant conveyor belt. She was laughing and saying, "Wow!" and I told her, "See, that's how they get all our bags on the plane! That is so cool!" 

Now that I'm back, I can say that the vacation both had it's rough spots but also had its fun moments. I'm glad I went and I will keep in touch with some of my new-found relatives! :) 

Family member clients

It's my second day on vacation.  Yesterday we went to Genesee Country Village and Museum.  That was pretty cool :)

Today I'm still trying to negotiate the balance between being a family member and being a 'staff.' Whenever my aunt or mom gets agitated,  I seem to slip into a "staff" role. This is good because I can use my training,  but bad because I tend to become more emotionally distant.  I think you have to be distant to use logic,  but perhaps when everyone is calm, I can engage emotionally and feel more.

Leaving ... on a jet plane!!!!!

Right.  Cliche title,  but yeah!  I'm going on vacation - ok to a family reunion.  Dang,  getting four people to the gate : one with osteoporosis,  one with Down Syndrome,  one with anxiety / depression,  and one spectrumite is honestly and truly an act of God. If I wasn't related to Mom I probably would have smacked her when she kept on asking if I still had all our boarding passes.
I could feel myself hitting sensory overload in the coffee shop.  So many people and me keeping track of everyone and the coffee machines grinding.  I had to stop and think, covering my face for a moment.  But we're all here now.


In these moments I can choose to get bitter that I have to deal with anxious family members as well as deal with my own sensory issues, or I can cope. I cope. Pray,  and I did sort of pretend I morphed into Super-Nerd since she frequents DIA en route to lecturing everywhere. But yeah.  I'm glad God plus a double dose of my meds is getting me through the morning!!! 

This is a real child

This is a picture of Caylee Anthony - as posted by Fox News. Today I read news articles on the verdict of her mother Casey Anthony's trial. She was found not-guilty for this child's murder.

The thing that hurts more than the fact that someone could have gotten away with her murder is the media frenzy and public eye frenzy regarding her murder.

This is a real child. If she came into my world, she would probably be in the 2.5 year old room at Summitview, maybe a bit clingy to her mother or grandmother as they pinned the plastic visitor nametag on her back. If she liked reading, she might calm down in my lap or a helper's lap if we offered to read her a book. She probably drank milk in that sippy cup in her picture, and maybe was to the age where she could try and drink out of 'grown-up' cups. She probably threw tantrums in Target or the grocery store, but she also probably was proud of pictures she could draw with big crayons.

In a news report I read, people flocked to the court-room to watch and people even traveled from out of state to listen to the trial live. It makes me feel sad, and sometimes it even makes me feel angry if I think too much about people forgetting that behind the evidence, behind the anticipation of wondering whether Casey Anthony was guilty, there is a child. There was a child.

Little Caylee will never learn to write her name. She may have learned the alphabet and count, but she will never learn to read or do basic math. She will never grow up to fit in a grown-up chair or drink from a grown-up cup  consistently. She may have dreamed about being a princess and dressed up as one, but she will never go to prom or a school dance. She will always be 2, but she will never grow up and develop to achieve the dreams her grandparents or even her mother may have had for her. She's gone and someone may have murdered her and now gotten away with it. I don't know how many people will remember this in all the hype and that makes me sad.

God, I want to run away!!!!

Long time no blog.... Well, not EXACTLY true, I do have a draft, but it always seems to be pushed to the back of the to do list....


Anyhoo, recently, I've told God that I want to run away. 


Huh? 


Well, for starters, I'm (hopefully) starting up at a NEW GROUP HOME! Yeah... For various reasons, I've left the old one. 

For a while all I had was my call-center job. I call it my 'crap' job when I don't feel very grateful for it. Thanks Google Images for finding the perfect picture for how I feel sometimes... 


Even if I get this new job, I'll still have two part-time jobs that I am still pretty overqualified for... Because I still put so much identity in my job (working on getting my identity elsewhere... we'll get to that) and because my mom will only believe (for now) that God is good when I get a full-time job in my field and will not be in debt. 


I have also been searching for a job  - ahem - a "real" job for over a year now. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I just want to "slam the door" on God and not talk to Him and just walk off and find a job all by my onesie since sometimes I feel like He's not helping anyway... It's one of those if God is the one ultimately responsible for where I go in life, and if I want to go to point A, but God is holding me back, then I must walk away from God and walk to point A on my own. In short, I want to run away and find a 'big girl' job on my own.  

I can pretend that God isn't real, however, here's the problem: If God is sovereign over every single life whether that person acknowledges His presence or not, and if God directs everyone's path whether we are aware of it or not (Acts 17), than logically, I cannot ignore God if He indeed has shown Himself to me through some form of communication. He has revealed Himself through The Bible, Creation, and His Spirit (personal connection). 


There is a reason I put a picture of a little person in this blog. Other than the fact it's sort of cute, it makes a point: Me 'running away' and pretending that God is not good and thinking I can get what I want on my own is like a child running away from his parents thinking he can get what he wants without them. 

This actually happened two weeks ago in Children's Ministry. One of my little guys wasn't having fun in the classroom, so he was about ready to make a run for it. Well, what would be bad about him roaming the halls of Summitview? Well, for practical purposes, if he fell, got hurt, got lost, etc. I would have a harder time tracking him down and getting to him. If he fell down in the classroom, he has three adults to help him versus if he fell down on a deserted stairway. And also, if he's alone, he isn't building a good relationship with his little classmates or with his teachers. Keeping him in the classroom is best so he can build beneficial relationships with people that want to influence his life in a positive way and teach him good things. Luckily our faithful Children's Ministry director was there and gave him a good talking-to as he was about to escape. He came back (sulking a bit), but brightened up with one of the helpers got him into building with blocks. 


I think God brings this image to mind because there are similar parallels. I could suddenly stop talking to God and try and find a 'real' job on my own - without praying to Him, without seeking advice from friends that believe in Him. I could move to a different city where my job would be and never find a new church group errantly thinking God let me down the last time. But I wouldn't have God warning me of spiritual danger, I wouldn't have God watching my behavior and correcting my habits as The Great Interventionist / Father / Teacher. Therefore, I'd 'fall' and I would probably wait a while before calling on God to help me. Most importantly, if I up and stopped talking to God and letting that relationship deepen, I'd miss out on what He had to teach me and remind me that He ultimately has good for me. 


Dear God,
I know sometimes I want my real job, and sometimes I feel like You don't want to give it to me. But I know it's not because I'm a bad girl because You paid for my sins on the cross. Sometimes I want to run away and not talk to You because I don't think You're giving me what I want. But I know it would be bad for me - Your child - to never talk to You again to run away from my 'spiritual home' so to speak.  So, God, I'm sorry for the times I have gotten mad at You. I'm thankful for the job You've given me and the things You're teaching me now. 


Thank You for prompting me and gently whispering: I have good for you right here. Please stay and talk to Me. 


Amen :) 

What if it was more than a love tap?

The most random incidents get you thinking about life, I realized today...

So, I was "love-tapped" by a truck as I was walking to Rite-Aid. Yes. Big truck, little me. Luckily, a) the truck was in the driveway and was just going along and b) I was walking b/c pedestrians had the right away and the driver was looking the other way before pulling out & didn't realize I was still partially in front of her vehicle until she heard the squeak of terror from me. She bumped my left side and it hurt for like a few seconds, but I was ok :) I waved to her to let her know that I was ok. 

Anyway, I'm sure it's happened to a bunch of people before, but I did think: Wow, what would've happened if she was barreling out of the driveway and instead of giving me a love-tap, she made a Katie-pancake? 



Well, first of all, I would've beat Dr. Grandin to heaven (assuming she comes to know Christ at some point)  which is sort of weird to think about because she's old. 
Second of all, I am glad that I have an app in my phone that lets me put in my emergency contact information. 
Third of all, it would be sort of ironic for my doctors since I was just at an appointment.... 


I think what naturally happens after a true brush with death or a 'wow, that could've been a brush with death if the circumstances were different' is we don't take life for granted. Even the small things like being able to dig into a bowl of yummy cookies and cream ice-cream after coming home from a warm walk :) 


As I ate my ice-cream, I thought about it further: How would my life be summed up today? I am a 27 year old Human Development and Family Studies grad who has worked at a group home and a call-center, is a pre-k coordinator at Summitview, a part of Team Ninja in Symbio, and a resident in The Quad. I also have a nerdy-crush on a certain CSU professor and I enjoy flowers, stuffed animals, and cute things. At some point, I want to get a PhD in something and I'm about ready to start some occupational therapy (OT) prerequisites. 


This is the sum of my life so far. From a mere earthly perspective, I'm an average - ok, physically shorter than average person who's trying to get her career going and is a Christian who's involved in her church. If one digs deeper, they realize I'm a person on the spectrum who's trying to go somewhere using another exponentially more well known spectrumite's life as a guide. 


If I was turned into a Katie-pancake today, what would remain of my life? Well, my thesis got published, so I would have made it into the PsychInfo database as first author!! :D I also am third author on my advisor and her post-doc's publication. There would be this blog that would be here on the interwebs and there would be pictures of me that my friends have and that I have on this computer. At Summitview, there would be several groups of little people that would remember me as one of their Sunday school or AWANA teachers. I think that last contribution would be something I'd look down and smile about because of my HDFS interventionist side. The fact that I got to influence the next generation as a single person is nice :) 


What would be my eternal impact? To put it more accurately, what would I look back at my life and say, "God, thank You for using me here on earth." ? Probably the first thing I would thank Him for would be His using me to teach little people about Himself :) And the second thing would be Him using me to love people with significant disabilities at the group home. And the third thing would be "Thank You for using me to reaching my family, the CSU campus, and the Fort Collins community in the little ways You've used me." 


The weird thing to think about now is that even if I ended today going splat, my life would have some sort of eternal impact. 


The cool thing and convicting thing is that I didn't end my life as a Katie-pancake today. I have more days. God, I thank You that though my current professional status isn't much, and I'm a pretty average person and definitely not normal, You still use little me for eternity. God, help me live in light of what counts and help me not to take life for granted. Help me live for You because honestly, I really don't know how long You have me here. Thanks for not making a Katie pancake out of me today!!!!!!! :D