That could've been me

Nothing like the past coming up in the oddest of ways.

My law firm handles estate planning (writing wills and trusts) as well as probate and trust administration (handling legal and financial issues of individuals who have passed away). My job touches both areas of law as well.

Today I had to send some documents along with a death certificate to a county clerk and recorder office. As I read over the death certificate to make sure everything matched with the other documents, I saw that the individual died from a gunshot wound. At home.

The individual may have inflicted the deadly wound upon himself. Of course, I don't know the situation for sure. He could've been doing some maintenance on a hunting rifle and something happened. But I got chills thinking about it for too long.

Because I could've ended it all even before I began this blog. Even before I graduated from college.

He left behind a family. A house. Sure, the family will be financially stable still with the house and his earnings, but he will never make a trip to Home Depot to get new curtain rods or an odd or end to fix something there. He will never see his kids graduate from high school. He will never tell his wife he loves her before they go to work. If he was out of a job, he would never get a call from possibly a position perfectly suited for his qualifications.

I felt sad that he might have given up. Because I know how that feels. Hence I was compelled to write the previous post for anyone that feels like giving up.

Because I wish I could've told that person named on the certificate that the feeling of wanting to give up on life is real and scary, and searching for hope in the midst of that is worth it. Because you realize what you would have left behind. And you know that there's a reason to live.

An open letter to hold to hope - no matter how small

  

To you who can't see the light in your dark: 

Don't leave. Please. Don't leave. 

For your family: who would always ask why. Because they will miss you. You're not a burden. Even if they're supporting you due to a lost job. Even if they left you due to a divorce. Someone still loves you - an aunt, a cousin, a niece or nephew. Even if they left this earth. Others will fill the pain you feel of missing them. 

For your friends: Even if you think they're too busy to talk to you - they are still thinking about you, praying about you, wishing you well. They want you to call and ask for help. They will do what they can - even if they're busy with life. 

For your future: You don't know what the next second will bring. Maybe your roommate will knock on the door to hang out. Maybe your children will knock on the basement door to play with you. The next morning might bring a beautiful sunrise. The next day might bring a job offer. 

For your Creator: He made your heart - an intricate pump that hasn't stopped beating from the time it was formed in utero. Who gives you grace to live each day with whatever disability you face. Who has felt physical pain and abandonment when He died on the Cross. For all of us. 

I almost gave up. Many times. I almost didn't graduate from high school. I almost didn't go to college. I almost didn't get my degree. I almost didn't live long enough to have a boyfriend that would propose to me. 

I felt pain. I felt tired of my disability. I felt tired of being a burden. I felt alone. I felt like no one would care if I was gone. I felt like if I ended it all, I would be free. 

That moment of utter helplessness and aloneness would've stolen countless sunrises, hikes in the mountains, hugs from friends, chances for me to help others, a chance to see God comfort me here on this earth. I know I will feel pain again. We all will. 

But we also can see hope - we must see hope. Even for a second, if you cling to hope for one second, you can hold on for another. Then a minute. Then for the rest of the night. Then your hope can be renewed as the sun comes up, as you see others who know you: friends, family, the barista at the Starbucks you go to, the same driver on the bus. 

You are wanted. By your Creator. He can give you hope. Don't be afraid to ask. He understands pain. Don't be afraid to cry. Call your friends or text. They will talk to you or think of you until they can connect with you again. 

Don't leave. Because when you find hope, you can one day extend it to those caught in the darkness. 

1/4 tsp red pepper today makes the sniffles go away

Ye olde blogger has a stuffy little nose! Hopefully it's just the cold weather, but boiling 1/4 teaspoon of red pepper and hot water makes the tissues disappear and my little nose feel less stuffed. 

Random, I know. But living on my own, it's nice to see how to come up with my own solutions for things - oftentimes with the help of Pinterest and the Internet in general. 

Yay for random blog posts! 

I have a legal assistant job, now what?

I like my legal assistant job :)  Over the last few months, my boss has thrown some bookkeeping duties in the mix and added a few more $$ to my pacheck :) 

Even so, Mom is bugging me to only stay with these guys for a year or so and then go on to another opportunity that pays more. 

Thanks mom. But I have had my share of job search adventures :P 

But that made me ask the question: 

What's next? 

I always throw around the idea of writing a book. 

Hm.

I also throw around the idea of freelancing. Actually, I was very briefly a volunteer grant writing freelanceer volunteering my time with two organizations just helping them with research and stuff. The idea of freelancing came after I was diagnosed with Asperger's and I thought, "Hey, that's how Temple Grandin started..." 

But yeah. 

Will I stress out about it? No :) Because it's easier to just dabble in these ideas when I have consistent $$$. 

More importantly, I need to keep asking God what He would want me to do as I go on in life. He orchestrated all my adventures in life so far..... :) Some were definitely challenging, and some are really nice rides :) Anyway, we'll just have to see :) 

Cracks in the Dream Castle

As a little girl, I enjoyed reading books about princess and stuff. I never had a princess castle cake, but the idea of finding a prince charming and living happily ever after was appealing to me. 

Oh my gosh.... cute little Asian girl and cute cake!!! 

I think the longing was stronger for me because I wanted a father-figure and just want to feel the love of a man who would be my rescuer and my - well, my everything. 

Well, my prince charming came and proposed and I said yes :) 

Recently, I have been seeing the cracks in the 'dream castle.' I know all relationships are not perfect, but I think when I worry if my prince charming has forgotten about me, I feel forgotten and that hurt may be stronger for me because I had attachment problems when I came over from the Philippines. I failed the attachment assessment when I had my comprehensive developmental evaluation at 18 months old. 

Realizing my insecurities can affect how I think about my relationship is jarring to my feelings but makes perfect sense to my HDFS mind. Well, yeah. I read about how one's development can affect marriage and relationships. It's just different to actually feel it. To have my emotions crying while my HDFS text part of my brain shows me where my crying is coming from. 

So what? What do I do to repair the cracks in the prince and princess castle of my dreams? Well, I think continued therapy is always good and I will need to discuss with my prince charming. The most important thing I should do is to always go to Christ and let His truth that He is enough and He has overcome the world sink in. In this life, I will never have a perfect princess castle with my prince charming Boaz. But in the next life, we all will have a perfect world with Christ as our King! I pray to God to help me keep that as my true hope. 

2013 Year in Review May - December

May 

I continued my internship with Metro Volunteer Lawyers. That was pretty cool because I became more comfortable with working with clients. May was also the month where I began my Estate Planning and Probate class: my last elective of my paralegal program. I sat next to a girl who worked at an estate planning law firm near Cherry Creek. We became friends and we would giggle together during class breaks and stuff. 

May was also the month my Boaz had his little guy full time for the summer. We began a routine where they would meet me at Park Meadows or Lincoln Station. The three of us would eat at the food court or at Boaz's house. While my sweet Boaz was cooking, I talked to little guy and we bonded over stuff like his superhero figures he carried around and the video games he liked to play. He was particularly good at a Spderman game. 

June - July

After my Probate and Estates class ended, I began looking for a paralegal job in earnest. I was looking before, but now I had some time between that last class and the upcoming fall class to really hit the ground running. 

I knew God would provide for me, but I began to feel the same worries of, "What if it turns out like the job search in 2009 where I can't find a job in my field of study?" Mom was supportive, but she was also worried about me. Her worry made me worry, but I couldn't show it. Luckily I could tell Boaz when we were in the car and his little guy was playing a game or watching a DVD in the back seat in his own world. The reassurances he gave me, the reminders that he was praying, his warm heart, and warm massive hands that wiped away my tears really helped me continue to trust God and persevere. 

In late July, I got a temporary job at Ross! I could get clothes and random household items for even CHEAPER! My job duties were split between being a cashier, helping in the fitting rooms, and straightening merchandise in the store. I was happy for the small paycheck, but obviously I was trusting God for more. 

August

Four weeks into working at Ross, I was perusing the paralegal job openings, and saw an opening for a legal assistant at an estate planning law firm on Craigslist. Deducing the firm's website address from the contact person's email address where I should direct my resume, I researched the firm to see if I would be a good fit. In doing so, I realized that my friend from my estate planning class worked there. We emailed back and forth with her personal email she had given me to exchange notes in class, and she encouraged me to apply. 

That is how I found myself taking an elevator up to the 16th floor of an office building in Glendale, Colorado to have an interview. The attorneys were very warm yet professional, and my friend was also present at the interview. A few days later, I was called back to take a typing and computer-based assessment at the office. As I was taking the bus back from that appointment to my job at Ross, I received a call from the firm. They offered me the job, and I accepted. 

That began the four-day whirlwind of telling my managers at Ross that I had accepted another position. As a seasonal employee, they knew my employment status could change at any time, and they wished me luck. While eating out with my grandma and my mother, I showed them the email string where I had accepted the law firm's job offer. Of course, after I told my Boaz, he congratulated me with a warm hug and warm kisses :D 

September - November 

September was a bittersweet month for my Boaz and I. Little guy headed back to Pennsyvania, and I found myself fighting back tears as I gave him a hug and wished him well for the fall. God had answered my prayer of growing my heart for him. Boaz and I both missed his sweet little eight year-old, but we knew that we would have more time together. He celebrated by taking me to Elitches :) 

Yes, he is an EPIC boyfriend :) I bought him the shirt heeee heeeeeee!

October was a blur because I was getting used to my new job, and saving up for moving out.  I quite enjoyed reminding my mom that I had about six months at home before I flew the coup. The fall also brought my last paralegal class EVER! Legal Research was my evening class that I took in addition to having my new job. The fall was a blur because I was balancing school and work. That balance gave me an appreciation for my classmates who completed their entire paralegal program while working full time. It also gave me an appreciation for my Boaz who is also going to school, working full time, squeezing in time to romance his girlfriend, and invest in the development of his son. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! 

December 

I FLEW THE COUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Yup, I moved into an apartment right across the street from where I work! My commute shrank from an hour and a half bus ride to a 3 minute walk. 

I had an air mattress, some storage bins, some kitchen stuff, and enough for a deposit and a few month's rent, but I was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! 

Actually, it was a whirlwind for both my mom and I. I had been looking at places in the area and I had applied to this particular complex after seeing their model unit. My application was accepted sooner than I had expected, and suddenly Mom and I were looking at my unit where I would move if I signed the lease, and my Boaz drove around the complex one evening when he was on that side of town to make sure the lighting was adequate in the evening. 

My mom worried. A lot. I didn't have a full set of furniture to move in, but I was content to sit on my little stool in my small kitchen island to eat, cook in my wok and use my little plates and bowls until I could get more stuff. I just wanted to be free. Oh, and closer to work. 

Enter my Boaz! He brought light to my move. Literally. 

He took me to Target to get an air mattress and I got this lamp that he assembled. He also hung my shower curtain since he is tall and I am decidedly not. More importantly, he reassured my mom that I would be fine, God was providing a job, and I had made the decision to sign the lease after making a budget like we had learned in the Dave Ramsey class we took in..... sometime earlier. 

He encouraged me that I couldn't let Mom's worries dictate my major decisions, and he would support me as I made my way knowing I was a competent adult. Many tears were shed as he held me in his arms as I prepared to move out. 

Christmas was soon approaching and on December 23, he brought little guy over to see my new place. He also brought me my Christmas present since both of us would be with our respective families. 

If you read the previous posts, you already know what my early present was, but just for giggles.....

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Heee heee! See the post on that :D 

Oh yes, and I also passed my last paralegal class ever, meaning my diploma should be coming soon to.... my new address!!!!! :D 

Yeah. 

2013 was epic! Not because I did anything special, but because GOD IS AWESOME! And the cool thing is, even if none of the awesome life events had taken place in my life this last year..... GOD WOULD STILL MANIFEST HIS AWESOMENESS! :D 

Spiritual Family of Origin

Cuuuuute little cup!!!!!

I found this cuuuuuuuuuute little cup today when I was going through even more of my apartment stuff. No idea why it wasn't in my kitchen stuff, but oh well... It was the only little cup in the set left because the other little cups were in an unfortunate collision with the sidewalk.... Twas a sad day for little me and little them :(

Anyway, I squeaked when I saw that cup because I thought of a good Fort Collins friend who volunteered at AWANA with me :) She gave me the little cups and she was like a big sister because she was married and we had many conversations about me waiting for The One God had for me :) She was one of my many "Proverbs 31 Mentors." Meaning, she was part of a group of ladies I looked up to and who I wanted to emulate if God ever called a guy to pursue me and to put a RING ON IT!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK! 

Thinking about her also got me thinking about Women's Coffeehouse at Summitview. When we did the series Biblical Femininity, I sorta thought of it as Proverbs 31 or Wife Training School. The premise of that series was to obey Titus 2 which instructs older women to teach younger women. Married and single women came to the teachings, and women who had been married a long time spoke. 

As I begin preparing for the wedding ceremony and preparing for life being married to my Boaz - SQUEAK!!!! I find myself thinking about my spiritual family of origin. My peeps at Summitview Community Church in Fort Collins. 

There's an HDFS concept that we have two families: Family of Origin which consists of your parents, siblings, and people who raised you, and Family of Procreation which consists of your spouse/partner and children raised within that relationship. The family of origin of both adults influences their marriage/relationship and how they raise their children. 

I was spiritually raised in Summitview and I will probably begin my married life at Southeast Christian Church in Parker :) The way I connect to my new church home and the way I connect with my sweet Boaz will be influenced partly by how I was raised at Summitview. 

This isn't necessarily an all good or all bad thing. Like all local churches, Summitview had its own unique strengths and weaknesses. An obvious strength of Summitview is the Gospel as the core of one's being and one's identity, and the laser-beam focus on reaching the world for Jesus. The literal interpretation of Genesis combined with an epic biology nerd as a pastor made for some really nerdy and awesome seminars and teachings :) Recently, some friends of mine pointed out a weakness: The Rock (college group) had a very strict stance of: Guys, don't pursue a lady if you're not 100% sure you're going to marry her, and ladies, don't let your heart fall for a guy because what if he's not The One? Gender-relations wise, this made life... interesting. For an Aspie college student, it helped me establish rules on how to act around those students that were sometimes grungy, a little strange, and had a Y chromosome. 

Couples who also began their Christian life at Summitview and continued attending the church after marriage often had very set gender roles: Dude goes to work, Bride pops kids, raises them, and homeschools them. Again, I saw really awesome examples of these families, and what I saw beyond their completely countercultural way of doing gender roles was how they sought to permeate their family life with Christ and their desire to teach their children about their Savior. That warmed my heart, and I treasured my time there as a Sunday school helper and teacher seeing kids grow developmentally and grow in learning about the God that made them and saved them.... .aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! :) Oh, and the cuteness overload working with preschoolers was awesome too! 

So... all that will play a role in what I expect out of marriage and how I relate to Boaz as my fiance. Knowing that not every church does stuff like Summitview makes me willing to allow Boaz to lead us in the way he sees God leading us :)

The emphasis on the male as the spiritual leader of the household has helped me encourage my Boaz in praying for us and he has told me how that has empowered him and challenged him in his walk with God :) My response was : "Good, that was my evil plan :D" But seriously, that's cool! Yet I know that I can't fall into leaning solely on my Boaz's leadership for my spiritual development. I need to have my own relationship with God. 

Also, I also have to remember that my life might not look like those ladies that spoke at 'Wife School.' My Boaz is still in school, so I might not be able to stop working. Plus, I like my job and it's going well, so I would like to stay with my law firm for a while. Knowing that my Boaz comes from a church that has more of an emphasis on, "Read your Bible and then ask God what He wants you to do" rather than, "Read your Bible, listen to this teaching, and ask your pastor or spiritual mentor what to do." I have to remind myself that it's ok not to have a life that looks like other people who are further along in the faith as long as Christ is at the center. 

My spiritual family of origin has really helped me shape how I interact with little guy. I pray for his salvation, and I have told Boaz that I want to know how I can support him to lead his son to Christ. I will probably volunteer in Sunday School again - maybe in the same room as my Boaz, and I look forward to the day where both of us can be in the same classroom as little guy or our future children :) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! 

Thinking about my spiritual family of origin has made me appreciate the gems of wisdom God brought me while part of that church. I look forward to growing in the faith with a Gospel-centered identity, a desire to reach the world for Christ, and a desire to support my Boaz as we grow together in our faith and in our relationship :) I also know that my spiritual family of origin won't completely define my path in this new phase of life. God, who is above all our childhood families of origin, is above our spiritual families of origin as well. He will guide both my sweet Boaz and I, and He will be our ultimate guide :)