Thursday, October 29, 2009

A Post for a Snowy Day

Sigh.... it's snowing :) Not the sigh of "Dang. It's snowing." Ok, there are some downsides such as being cold and having snow come up to your knees at points being a mere 5 feet tall... Anyway I'm learning to enjoy God's blessings of whatever He throws at me, be it a sunny day or a snowy one. I really like what CS Lewis said: That kids like Weather, and adults are the ones grumbling at the rain, but the kids love to jump in puddles. They learn to hate rain etc. from the adults. I just finished reading "That Hideous Strength" by CS Lewis which is basically his rendition of academia attempting to take over the world and then the higher powers that be intervening in CRAZY WAYS! YEAH! Heads most definitely roll.

New Developments in life:
I have a part time job (WOOT!) It's at a phone bank. Sometimes it's discouraging, but it is definitely an exercise of not taking circumstances (people hanging up on you, etc.) personally, which is something I need to grow in greatly. I am still trusting God for a job at CSU since that is the thing that still seems to have not closed yet. I had a French Toast with the girls in the Quad and that was way fun :) I enjoy the time God is giving me to hang out with my fellow sisters :)

Lessons God is teaching me
I can't predict mine or other people's life. I'll leave it at that for now. God is also teaching me about Him being my Father and getting to the bottom of my heart for raising a Christian family. Sometimes I can be tempted to take that on as a fig leaf to hide my past, but more and more, my motives are purer, more God focused. I am putting Him first rather than any future husband or children first, because sometimes I say, "I want to be a helpmate and help someone to greatness for the Lord." or "I want to be a Godly mother to raise kids who are crazy for Jesus." Well, those are good motives, but if that's where it ends, it is for these unnamed people's glory. My hope is in them. Not in God. If I say, "If it is for God's will and purpose that I should do this." then I am not crushed if He never allows me to have this family I pray about.

He is rewarding me for putting Him first in my mind and heart, and I know I stumble, and He is gracious when I repent :) I am praying the more I let Him capture mind & heart, the more it is manifested to encourage the believers around me and to show Christ to nonbelievers :) Because it is God's work that does that in me and how He shows Himself to others. I do not do this on my own strength.

Random thoughts from That Hideous Strength (THS)
So, one crazy thing I noticed the second time around reading THS is the protagonista... I so made that up, but female protagonist has some pretty serious misconceptions of marriage and femininity. She wants to be married, but she wants to keep herself too. She doesn't understand servant-helpmateship and her husband doesn't understand servant-leadership. This is why they get into the issues they do, and why they begin thinking more about themselves than about each other. I was really amused when the mythical character of awesomeness (sorry for any reader who has read THS, I'm trying not give anything away) wants to beat the protagonista and her husband down for not being fruitful & multiplying. He is basically like, "Dude! That's the whole point of you two getting married! What the..."

So that made me think: What in this world am I still not believing about femininity? What lies do I have to guard against if God does have me enter academia for a full time job? I have to trust that He will go before and behind me, but I have to use Him as the Rock. Sometimes I want someone else to help me fight these lies, but again, I have to realize my God is enough! That's what happened to the protagonista in the story. She had no protector in her circumstances for a while, but God provided the leader of their little "Let's stop certain people in academia from destroying the world" movement to teach her truth, and ultimately, she had to embrace God's truths on her own. That is what I must do as well, and keep doing until my faith becomes sight.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Learning the Impossible

I am learning the impossible. That is, to have joy even though I do not have full-time work.

This morning I was reminded how easy it is to be derailed. I was doing well for a while to place my joy in Christ during this time, but I had a stressing-out attack last night which resulted in me feeling crappy this morning which resulted in me not being able to hang out with some little Summitview people whom I'm getting to know and like :)

I just had an interview. Did forget to read the job description prior to coming (WHOOPS!) and I looked back at the CSU jobs I have applied for, and one starts in November. I am somewhat qualified and could probably do it, but I know that there are others who could do a better job. Another is my mystery job. As in, I have not gotten a call and they were still looking through things a month ago.

I was tempted to start focusing on job stuff
right after my interview, but God wanted me to take time and write my thoughts, lest I get all pent up and have another stressing-out moment. Headaches remind me that a job is not worth getting an aneurysm over it.

Here are my thoughts:
If I
do not believe God is good and perfectly sovereign, I can think He is holding out on me, I am somehow being punished by being without a full-time job, and I think that He made a mistake by having me stay in Fort Collins.

If I do believe He is sovereign and good, I know He has a job out there somewhere for me. I know He will use my gifts in the arena He chooses. I know this waiting time is for a purpose of growing closer to Him. I know that every interview, even if it fails, is for a purpose. I know He rewards my faith, I know that this life is not the end, and any disappointment I experience through this pales in comparison to the glory of seeing Him and having Him tell this story from His end in heaven.

Where do I choose? If God is not good it manifests in my staying up and can't sleep, getting irritated, stressed out, and moody. If I believe God is good, I feel peace. The trick is coming close to God first when I deal with my job stuff.

I know that. Theologically. I know that. However, I have 23 years of someone else and the world teaching me otherwise. God undoes all that slowly. Every time I come to Him, I feel more peace, less anxious. God began this in El Paso, and I do believe He wants to see this until completion. When I can truly say 'This job is not my god because I trust fully in God as my God and provider.' God has victory and I have victory over this fear. Theologically, and now in my heart, I can say that is worth it. I pray that it continues, because only He can make this state of my heart continue.l