Understanding Faith & Fear and then Walking in Truth

Thanks to Mitch Majeski's "What Biblical Femininity is Not" talk, I am renewed in thinking about whether I do things out of fear or faith. So often, I have done things out of fear: If I don't do this, such-and-such will happen or If I do this, it will keep such and such from happening. This mindset came from the notions I had grown up seeing modeled and thus picked up into my own world-view that God is there but He is not really close, He sporadically gives good things and often with-holds without reason. I grew up thinking God could not be depended upon for practicals in life. I also grew up with a parent that struggled with insecurity and anxiety, thus that has manifested itself in worry and underlying anxiety. I had thought this was a normal way to live for a long time.

All that changed after I accepted Christ and began (and continue) learning about His character. Now I have the Word to listen to, His promises off of which to base decisions. I can choose to be anxious or trust God. As I learn more about my Creator who is my good Father and perfect Husband, I begin to trust Him more.

This is a good start to walking in faith, however, I can listen to my old worries / fears while simultaneously listening to Truth. This pulls me to a standstill. Both mindsets can't be right; they in fact contradict each other. Trust God or not believe He is good?Rely on myself first or rely on my sovereign Father? Believe what God has called me to do and walk in it or forsake that and do the most practical thing for myself instead?

This conflict came to a head when God wanted me to make some phone calls regarding jobs. I had to make one particular call about a job I had applied to quite a few months ago which I haven't heard back from. Would I live in fear and assume the job had been taken and not call, or would I make the call and trust that God will have the job for me if it is His will? Was I making the job an idol? If so, would God withhold it because I had? Had God abandoned me, or does He have something for me that I have yet to see? I put all these questions to rest by re-reading Philippians 4:6-7 and praying about all these things. In the peace of Christ, I made the call. I chose to put my faith in God instead of let fear take over. I had to leave a message, but I indicated my interest in the position and for someone to let me know if it was filled or not.

Whether I get the position or not is honestly secondary when I think of this phone call. This call stands as God's victory over my fears, and I know that will resonate into eternity. That is what ultimately matters.

A Post for a Snowy Day

Sigh.... it's snowing :) Not the sigh of "Dang. It's snowing." Ok, there are some downsides such as being cold and having snow come up to your knees at points being a mere 5 feet tall... Anyway I'm learning to enjoy God's blessings of whatever He throws at me, be it a sunny day or a snowy one. I really like what CS Lewis said: That kids like Weather, and adults are the ones grumbling at the rain, but the kids love to jump in puddles. They learn to hate rain etc. from the adults. I just finished reading "That Hideous Strength" by CS Lewis which is basically his rendition of academia attempting to take over the world and then the higher powers that be intervening in CRAZY WAYS! YEAH! Heads most definitely roll.

New Developments in life:

I have a part time job (WOOT!) It's at a phone bank. Sometimes it's discouraging, but it is definitely an exercise of not taking circumstances (people hanging up on you, etc.) personally, which is something I need to grow in greatly. I am still trusting God for a job at CSU since that is the thing that still seems to have not closed yet. I had a French Toast with the girls in the Quad and that was way fun :) I enjoy the time God is giving me to hang out with my fellow sisters :)

Lessons God is teaching me

I can't predict mine or other people's life. I'll leave it at that for now. God is also teaching me about Him being my Father and getting to the bottom of my heart for raising a Christian family. Sometimes I can be tempted to take that on as a fig leaf to hide my past, but more and more, my motives are purer, more God focused. I am putting Him first rather than any future husband or children first, because sometimes I say, "I want to be a helpmate and help someone to greatness for the Lord." or "I want to be a Godly mother to raise kids who are crazy for Jesus." Well, those are good motives, but if that's where it ends, it is for these unnamed people's glory. My hope is in them. Not in God. If I say, "If it is for God's will and purpose that I should do this." then I am not crushed if He never allows me to have this family I pray about.

He is rewarding me for putting Him first in my mind and heart, and I know I stumble, and He is gracious when I repent :) I am praying the more I let Him capture mind & heart, the more it is manifested to encourage the believers around me and to show Christ to nonbelievers :) Because it is God's work that does that in me and how He shows Himself to others. I do not do this on my own strength.

Random thoughts from That Hideous Strength (THS)

So, one crazy thing I noticed the second time around reading THS is the protagonista... I so made that up, but female protagonist has some pretty serious misconceptions of marriage and femininity. She wants to be married, but she wants to keep herself too. She doesn't understand servant-helpmateship and her husband doesn't understand servant-leadership. This is why they get into the issues they do, and why they begin thinking more about themselves than about each other. I was really amused when the mythical character of awesomeness (sorry for any reader who has read THS, I'm trying not give anything away) wants to beat the protagonista and her husband down for not being fruitful & multiplying. He is basically like, "Dude! That's the whole point of you two getting married! What the..."

So that made me think: What in this world am I still not believing about femininity? What lies do I have to guard against if God does have me enter academia for a full time job? I have to trust that He will go before and behind me, but I have to use Him as the Rock. Sometimes I want someone else to help me fight these lies, but again, I have to realize my God is enough! That's what happened to the protagonista in the story. She had no protector in her circumstances for a while, but God provided the leader of their little "Let's stop certain people in academia from destroying the world" movement to teach her truth, and ultimately, she had to embrace God's truths on her own. That is what I must do as well, and keep doing until my faith becomes sight.

Learning the Impossible

I am learning the impossible. That is, to have joy even though I do not have full-time work.

This morning I was reminded how easy it is to be derailed. I was doing well for a while to place my joy in Christ during this time, but I had a stressing-out attack last night which resulted in me feeling crappy this morning which resulted in me not being able to hang out with some little Summitview people whom I'm getting to know and like :)

I just had an interview. Did forget to read the job description prior to coming (WHOOPS!) and I looked back at the CSU jobs I have applied for, and one starts in November. I am somewhat qualified and could probably do it, but I know that there are others who could do a better job. Another is my mystery job. As in, I have not gotten a call and they were still looking through things a month ago.

I was tempted to start focusing on job stuff right after my interview, but God wanted me to take time and write my thoughts, lest I get all pent up and have another stressing-out moment. Headaches remind me that a job is not worth getting an aneurysm over it.

Here are my thoughts:
If I do not believe God is good and perfectly sovereign, I can think He is holding out on me, I am somehow being punished by being without a full-time job, and I think that He made a mistake by having me stay in Fort Collins.

If I do believe He is sovereign and good, I know He has a job out there somewhere for me. I know He will use my gifts in the arena He chooses. I know this waiting time is for a purpose of growing closer to Him. I know that every interview, even if it fails, is for a purpose. I know He rewards my faith, I know that this life is not the end, and any disappointment I experience through this pales in comparison to the glory of seeing Him and having Him tell this story from His end in heaven.

Where do I choose? If God is not good it manifests in my staying up and can't sleep, getting irritated, stressed out, and moody. If I believe God is good, I feel peace. The trick is coming close to God first when I deal with my job stuff.

I know that. Theologically. I know that. However, I have 23 years of someone else and the world teaching me otherwise. God undoes all that slowly. Every time I come to Him, I feel more peace, less anxious. God began this in El Paso, and I do believe He wants to see this until completion. When I can truly say 'This job is not my god because I trust fully in God as my God and provider.' God has victory and I have victory over this fear. Theologically, and now in my heart, I can say that is worth it. I pray that it continues, because only He can make this state of my heart continue.l

Psalm 145

Today I woke up with Shane & Shane's rendition of Psalm 145 in my head. That was good background music for my jog down Overland Trail to Southwest Community Park / Inspiration Playground. The sun was coming up (yes it was early; I heard one of my roomies waking up rather early) and the sunrise against the clouds & mountains was amazing!

My quiet time consisted of meditating on the verses, "The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.The LORD is good to all; He has compassion on all he has made. ." Ps 145:8-9.

He has made these amazing foothills that I, and all of Fort Collins sees every day, and the even more majestic mountains behind these hills that reflect His power and greatness. He is faithful to make the sun rise every morning, and reveal His beauty through the sunrises. He gives food to every creature. Even people who are starving, they still eat at least something. He provides shelter to us, and in Fort Collins, most people have fairly nice houses / apartments. He has provided open spaces within the city for us to enjoy, and for children to play in. He has allowed workers with talent to built playgrounds, especially Inspiration Playground to be accessible for children of all physical abilities.

For Israel, since I have been reading Deuteronomy and Isaiah, God pulled them out of slavery and out of captivity numerous times. He has brought forth the Savior from the nation of Israel, He has stopped 1 nation from eliminating the Jewish race from Europe, He has recently given them parts of the original promised land back, and for now, He has allowed relative peace to be in the region.

For myself, God has allowed me to return to Fort Collins, earn a Master's degree, influence students while in grad school, and influence the next generation of Christians in Children's Ministry / AWANA. He has grown me through two Infusion programs, and given me numerous sunsets/sunrises, friends, flowers, provided for my needs every day, allowed me to climb a 14er, and recently allowed me to live with 11 amazing Christian women :) :) :) among all little blessings that I might not even be aware of!

Focusing on God's blessings have helped me wait on the Lord for a job. I believe He has called me into academia (again), and I am waiting on that. Knowing He is good and knowing He grants desires to all things for His glory assures me that whatever He has in store for me is for my good and ultimately for His glory.

The hardest parenting class ever

In undergrad, I slacked off during my HDFS parenting class in because I had the MCAT to study for. In graduate school, I took classes on parenting interventions and learned how parents (and society) can screw things up for kids, and how us interventionists were sent to fix them. Then during Infusion, I learned from amazing Christian parents how Christ can be their perfect interventionist so He flows out of their parenting in an imperfect world.

God decided that He would add a lab component to my "parenting classes." One of the single parents at church needed a nanny for 2 weeks before her two children (boy & girl, 6 & 5) went to school. My HDFS side began to start labelling them by socioeconimic status (SES), high or low risk, and began looking for possible defecits in the kids. This isn't necessarily wrong, but God reminded me to look at more than what my HDFS side could see, and view them not as 'cases' but as children in need of His care.

Thus has followed nearly 2 weeks of being their stand-in mom. I know I'm not perfect. More importantly, it's showing me how far my degree can go, and how much I need God's grace to cover the rest. For instance, today, the kids were tired and they wante to swim, and I wanted to wait until it was warmer outside. Thus tantruming more than usual ensued, and somewhat 'climaxed' into both kids getting sent to their room. I asked God what was the deal. What did He want to teach the kids and myself, and was I being power-hungry or really in the kids' best interest for not giving in. God revealed that they were learning patience and I was learning that even though I had to discipline and seemed mean, I could then give grace and repair the relationship. God gave me the verse from Hosea 6:1-2 where it basically says that God does tear down and injure temporarily, but in love because He is love (1 John 4:8) and that He repairs the relationship when His children come back. That is what happened. After the kids were done with time-out, I was able, through Christ, to love these kids and enjoy their company. I then prayed that the relationship was repaired.

However, the most important thing I have learned was that, unlike what the HDFS department teaches, I am not above the moms I serve. In fact, I still have a lot to learn. Just by serving me even though she can't pay for my services is teaching me about being creative with gratitude. And she has taught me that it's ok to be transparent about not having life or the Christian walk together, because it shows that God is truly active at the present. God has used the conversations before and after my hours to encourage me, and I pray to encourage her.

From this, I'm learning that parenting is rough. Laying in bed knowing another day is ahead of me, making the choice to parent in my flesh and HDFS knowledge or in Christ is one of the roughest decisions to make. However, God has shown me that loving the children through the love and grace He has first lavished on me and wishes to show these children is the best way. His love and grace will cover any of my mistakes, their times of disobedience, and hurts these children may experience in this world.

Why the Sick Need the Great Physician

I haven't written in this blog since I have been busy in El Paso doing service projects, working, and sharing the Gospel for Christ.

Recently, one of our HDFS professors has fallen very ill. She is recovering, albeit slowly. Her family and friends in and out of the HDFS department have organized a website to record her progress and for her to read well-wishes people have sent to her once she is awake enough to stare at a computer monitor for decent amounts of time.

Most of the well-wishes were very characteristic of the HDFS department - wishing for general goodness to come her way, "Sending loving thoughts and healing energy / karma / positive feelings" your way. Those sentiments are not bad, and they can generally be encouraging.

However, they are not enough. One's thoughts cannot traverse time and space, they are confined to the cognitive pathways and neural circuits in our brains. The only Person who's words traversed space and time to create the darkness, light, and every living organism to the streptococcus bacterium, the amoeba, the diatom and to the enormity of galaxies is Yaweh, by His Son Jesus Christ and the Spirit of Life, the Holy Spirit.

This is what is missing from the guest book. From my friend's thoughts, and that is vexing me almost as much as the fact that my professor could still not make it out. The fact that God may allow this for this department to seek Him to find Him - the source of Truth, the source of all Good that He can truly give across space and time.

I plead with you, HDFS students, faculty, staff, in CSU, in VTech (where this professor got her degrees), and friends / family that know her: You need to pray to God. I plead for you to to acknowledge the supremacy of Christ - not just 'feel good' thoughts. I plead for you to understand that the God of this Universe is holding our professor in His sovereign hands that were pierced on Calvary for her and all of us. I pray earnestly that you understand that you need to encourage our professor with Truth from His lips, His Word, His healing Word. That is what is true hope. Not vauge notions of thoughts floating through space and time, of good karma, or positive energy, but the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord who has made her and us lovingly, atom by atom, DNA strand by DNA strand.

I pray this so that you will turn to Christ and accept His salvation and truly worship Him whether He heals this professor or takes her from this world, and I do earnestly pray, with tears at times, that He will preserve her life, lead her to the Cross, so at the end of her life, she may join worshippers - from our ranks and from every nation tribe and tounge to worship our true Lord in Spirit and Truth.

Jobless in El Paso

So yes. Ye olde blogger is without a job. :( Been fishin' but nothin's bitin'. What's a grad student to do? I could despair easily: "Dang, I can't even get an interview at McD's and I went to grad school." But in El Paso, they look for more permanent people, and we're seasonal workers. So, therein lies much of our problems.

I've been on somewhat of a short circuit today. Kinda impatient & had to appologize several times for beginning to be snappy. However, I realize I have not reached melt-down stage because God and I have had a talk. Once I was upset and stuff and Indescribable came on the radio. God used that moment to calm me down by reminding me, "Katie, I am Creator. You are in the car with the guy who's dad talks about it every other day. Who am I in the midst of this job search?" I said, "Yes, God. Thank You for reminding me. You are I AM." Pause. I was open with the sisters I was job-searching with about my frustrations and a group hug was needed :)

I still struggle whether to stay or to go because all practical career-center, Mom, Zeynep advice would be to go back to FoCo and look for jobs there while searching out a permanant grad-school worthy job. However, I am invested here. To encourage the Believers and to be a 'coach' to the little kids in the Sports Camp we are running soon. I already signed up for dealing with the little people i.e. 1st graders. I have money in savings to tie me over until I get back to The Fort.

So, I walk this balance in being diligent with the job search and trusting in God and when I lean in God and He helps me, I stay calm. When I do not trust in God, I plan my going back and worry about stuff.

I know God is teaching me something. Just what exactly besides provision, I have ideas, but won't really know until it's over. What I do know is that I'm feeling like I'm walking on water, and no matter what happens, I can be caught by a God who's hands were pierced for my sins, Jesus, who is good.