6 months of growing a human!

Well, I've been away from the blogsphere for a while, but for a good excuse! 

In February, I found out that I was pregnant. I was home from work due to an epic snowstorm and I thought, "Well, I've been feeling a bit off lately, I wonder if there's something up with me." So, I took a pregnancy test and lo and behold, it came back positive. 

Bri-Bri was sweet and understanding when I told him even when I was scared. He reminded me that God was in control. He also was excited and asked me if I felt excited. Honestly, my first response was that my mom would worry about us being unprepared for parenthood. Good friends reminded me that no one is really prepared and that made me feel a little better :)  

Bri-Bri made me smile even on rough days!

The First Trimester

Growing a human and riding the light rail don’t always play well together, as in I got motion sickness the first few times I rode the light rail after eating a normal breakfast. After I began eating more of my breakfast at work, I wasn’t disembarking the train and running to the nearest trash can.

Thanks to being nauseous, I didn't eat much, so I slept a lot. Bri-Bri was sweet and would come in an check on me as I burrowed under the covers. Even before I got my visible bump, he was already telling me how strong I was with growing a baby and how proud he was of me taking care of the baby by eating healthy (when I could) and taking my prenatal vitamins.

The first trimester was also the time I worried a lot. I told my mom that she would be a grandma and she was a bit worried about how we’d manage with a baby and with Daniel and living in a 2 bedroom place with no 3 bedroom house or apartment lined up in  the near future. Bri-Bri assured me that we would begin looking for a place and if not, he was already brainstorming on where we could fit a little crib in our room. 

So, basically, I was nauseous, tired, and worried during a lot of my first trimester.

However, I still had happy moments. Seeing lil’ baby on the eight week ultrasound was pretty cool! It looked like a little lump, so for about four weeks, it had the nick-name “baby lump” or “lumpy.” Bri-Bri could see where its little heart was beating because he saw a flashing dot on our little lump that the nurse pointed out was a little heart.

Second Trimester

The nausea went away woo hoo!!! More importantly, we got to see baby at the 12 week ultrasound! It was moving around a bit and I thought I saw it opening and closing its little hands. It moved in response to Bri-Bri speaking and that was super cute! At 16 weeks, we heard the little heart beat!

Also at 16 weeks, I started to get a “bitty baby bump” which Bri-Bri quickly nick-named the baby “bip.” He would talk to it when he would kiss my stomach and that was really sweet!

At about 20 weeks, I occasionally felt little flutters and thumps happening beneath my belly-button. Baby was moving and from then on, I have felt more frequent thumps or wiggles or little movements in there.

At the 24 week ultrasound, we found out our little baby boy was healthy! The first thing I said to Bri-Bri when the tech told us that we were having a boy was, “You’re teaching him to go potty, dear.” Daniel’s face was priceless when we told him because he was grinning and it was way too cute!

Entering the Third Trimester

Most notably, our little guy is on the move a lot more. Even as I type this blog post, I feel him bumping against the edge of my  computer which is gently resting on my (shrinking) lap and his little home. Yesterday we got to hear his heartbeat again. The obstetrician said both he and I were healthy!

I am also hungry a lot more. Case in point, I’m snacking on some wheat bread and peanut butter before dear Hubby warms up some Marie Calendar lasagna. Little guy needs fuel for his last in utero growth spurt!

Bri-Bri, Baby boy bump, and I!

Hopes and dreams for our little guy! 

Obviously, our hope is that he comes to faith in Christ and accepts Christ for his salvation. My hope is that he can come to us and other trusted adults with questions as he gets older and figures out what it means to have a belief system and code of ethics etc. 

I hope that he understands the power of resilience. As much as Bri-Bri and I would like to, we can't shield him from the hardships in this world. We hope that he wouldn't have any major catastrophes in childhood or in any stage of life that would impact his development later on, but we can't protect him from everything. Bri-Bri and I can share how our hardships tested our faith in God and gave us an opportunity to see Him work even in the hard times. We can also share how God has used us to help others who were going through similar hard times. We can show him that struggles in life can lead to someone being more empathetic. Of course, if he needs to vent about his situation or just needs a hug, we're there too! 

We both hope he sees Daniel as a good big brother and role model as Daniel will be 12 a few months after the baby is born. I also hope that I can maintain my connection with Daniel as his stepmom and reassure him that I don't love him any less even though I didn't carry him in me. During one conversation, I told Daniel that I carried him in my heart in a way once Bri-Bri and I were engaged because I knew he would become my stepson. That "carried in my heart" phrase was borrowed from a sappy adoption related pin on Pinterest, but hey, it's cool! 

Of course, as middle class American parents, we want our little guy to get a good education, make wise decisions about college (don't get into crazy student loan debt, choose a course of study that will make you happy and make you an income), and become financially independent. He doesn't have to be making six-figures, but we'd like him to be able to pay his bills, save for retirement, and provide for a family as a primary or equal breadwinner. 

Speaking of family, we'd be overjoyed to be at his wedding where he has found the love of his life, but we hope we can convince him to wait on God's timing and to find a spouse that truly loves him for who he is and I know Bri-Bri would want to teach him how to be a good spouse too. If he wanted to date someone who already had kids, I'd have input on how to love the kids of the person you love and how to trust God to grow your heart for their little family. 

Trusting God with this little guy's life and being a parent is going to be challenging, but God will give us grace, and all my parent friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, inlaws, and my mom would all say it is worth it! 

Before the Throne

Tonight I fixed dinner for my stepson and I while my Bri-Bri was in class. This wasn't my first time getting a meal together for Daniel and I because I have spent the day or evening with him while Bri-Bri did his internship last fall.

Anyway, as I sat down with my dinner, Daniel held out his hands for us to pray. I prayed for our dinner and thanked God for the day and added a little prayer request for my mom since she was recovering from a minor illnesss.

As we ate, we talked about random things. Afer Daniel ate, he played on his Wii.  I watched him while doing dishes and I thought more about his gesture for us to pray together. Being the observant 10 year old  he is, he probably notices that I like it when my Bri-Bri prays for us and we hold hands.

Maybe Daniel wanted us to pray because that was the normal thing we all did before dinner.

Maybe he wanted to because he knew that I enjoyed praying and holding his and Bri-Bri's hand.

Maybe he wanted to connect with God.

Of course, his reasons could be a mix of all three.  Even if he sees prayer as routine or as something that makes his stepmom smile, he still willingly joins Bri-Bri and/or I as we approach God in prayer.

The song "Before the Throne of God Above" came to my head, specifically the version from Shane and Shanes "Pages".  As I thought about it, I smiled. Daniel, like his namesake, comes before the throne room of God. Even though he tells us that sometimes he doesn't think God is real and that is why he finds church a bit boring, he sees that we value praying. And I believe that God is tugging on his soul even if he is unaware of it. As one doesn't simply walk into Mordor, one cannot simply walk into the throne room of God and not be afffected.

Daniel's gesture tonight of wanting me to pray for our meal encouraged me to continue praying that God would reveal Himself more and more to Daniel. I pray that each time Daniel approaches God in prayer - from simple mealtimme prayers to prayers about his family to his own wondering about God - that God becoomes more real. I pray that Daniel sees God as the Magnificent Savior and Creator on His Throne, and that he knows he can approach that throne with grace and mercy because that King sympathizes with us and gives us grace in our weaknesses.

I pray that Daniel will one day approach the throne of God and declare that Christ is his Savior.

Before the throne of God above
I hae a strong and perfect plea
A great high priest who's name is love
Who ever lives and pleads for me

My name is graven on his hands
My name is written on his heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart

Hallelujah Halleujah
Praise the One
Risen Son of God

Waiting and Hanging on tight

Ye Olde Blogger may be in for a good significant life change! I can't be more specific (which is uncharacteristic of me) but revealing what it is would distract from the focus of this post.

Anyway, knowing a good life change that changes A LOT of my life is coming is sorta like getting ready to go tubing. It's exciting because you're doing something friends say is fun, but you look at the rushing waters and rapids of the Boulder Creek (or Poudre River or other body of water) and think, "Oh -my-gosh!!! What am I getting myself into??? Yes, I have gone tubing if you were wondering :)

The little girl about to go tubing in the rushing white-capped waters of the Boulder Creek on a sunny day with her Father has a moment of fear.

"Daddy! Daddy, the water's going fast! Daddy, the water's cold!"

"I know, princess, but your brothers and sisters have a lot of fun tubing! You see and learn about the river like this!"

"Daddy, what if I fall? What if I don't like the water? What if my tube pops? Daddy, I'm scared!!"

"Princess, you will be in Daddy's inner tube on Daddy's lap and He will be with you all the way. He will put you in the tube at exactly the right time." The little girl nods. The waters look less scary. And she clings to her Daddy's hand and waits. The fear leaves and the excited anticipation returns. "Princess, do you trust me?"

"Yes, Daddy. I trust You."

That's how I'm feeling right now :) praying, reading the Bible, and listening to awesome worship songs is how I am holding on to my Father's hand as I wait for a pending exciting somewhat scary adventure to begin!!

When hope drops the ball

Well, the Broncos lost today :(

 That was dissapointing to a lot of people because we were expected to win. It was especially dissapointing to Mom because she had some disspointment during her caregiving duties with my aunt and grandma earlier today.

For me, the Broncos loss was a bit dissapointing and my friend and I texted back and forth about it for a few minutes after the game. For Mom, she just had a bad day afterward.

More of her hope was in having a good caregiving experience in the morning and in the Broncos winning than anything else. So when those didn't work out, she was in a bad mood.

I could say that my hope wasn't in these things, so that didn't bother me as much. Yet, a lot of times my hope is in my mom's mood. When hope - like the Broncos today - drops the ball and makes Mom upset, it can make me upset because my hope can be in whether Mom has a good day. If she has a good day, I feel good because I did enough to make her happy. If she  has a bad day or if her attitude doesn't recover from events outside of her control, I feel bad like I haven't done enough to counterbalance whatever dissapointments she faces out there.

In small dissapointments such as the Broncos losing or in larger dissapointments, I  have to remember that my main hope should be in God and not in these temporary things: games, caregiving going well or badly, how Mom feels, and other things. Circumstances will always drop the ball, but God never will. 

The Vortex of Love

Tonight Mom and I had another evening of taking my aunt back to her apartment and driving her and Grandma to a restaurant to eat. Grandma paid for everyone's meal as a Christmas / Birthday gift to my mom :) My aunt made it back to her apartment and she and her roommate were happy to see each other when her roommate opened the door. 

The drive back to my grandma's house was uneventful and I had no problems helping Grandma into the house. However, Mom had a bit of trouble getting into the garage (it's an old garage door), and she got a bit frustrated which resulted in her taking her frustration out on me. 

Later Mom and I talked and she said that she didn't like all the driving around she had to do as part of her caregiving routine. I gathered from the conversation that she didn't feel appreciated. Earlier I gave Mom a Hobby Lobby gift card as a small birthday present and Mom was really excited about that and a surprise birthday card a neighbor gave her.

Our conversation made me realize why those little gifts were so precious to Mom. It seems that Mom was starved for love growing up, and she is still hungry for love. Tonight I shared with her Romans 5:5 which says hope (in God's love) does not dissapoint because God pours out His love through His Holy Spirit. That seemed to cheer her up along with a hug :) :) 

Yet I came to my room and had a bit of a near teary moment because I do not want to be a vortex of love. 

I do not want love to come to me and I just to take it and keep demanding love and keep demanding praise and such. I do not want others to feel like they can never please me and that everything anyone does isn't good enough because I always need more love. 

I also do not want to have to be in a situation where another person is pulling love from me and demanding more and never has enough from me. Specifically, I do not want to get married and discover Prince Charming is a vortex of love. That would be bad. That is a fear I have in getting married. 

I want to be a fountain of love - a little bubbling fountain where people can be encouraged and see that Christ loves through me because I am imperfect at loving people. Not just because of my ASD, but because I am not perfect - I sin and need Christ my savior. 

I want to marry a fountain of love fueled by Christ. Fountains give life and love, but a vortex only takes away.

We are all vortexes of love apart from Christ. Only Christ can fill up the holes left from our development. These holes just take away and suck love out of other people and demand more love from those around other people and can't give back. But Christ covers these holes. He is all in all, and transforms His followers from vortexes to reflections of His true fountain of love. 

100 Things I am thankful for

Happy Thanksgiving Blogsphere! 

I have not done a Thanksgiving blog post since November 2005. While reviewing that post, I noticed that I had done a 100 things I am thankful for as a Small Group Bible Study exercise. 

Here's a list of 22 things I am thankful for as of November 22, 2012 :) 

Katie is thankful for: 

1. God saving me TEN YEARS AGO in 2002 in 264 Newsom Hall at Colorado State University!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
2. That the formative years of my spiritual development (ages 0-7, especially 0-3) were spent around people who truly took the Bible to heart and lived it out. Thank you Summitview!! :) 
3. For my college education that has helped me as I go into the paralegal program! 
4. For Mom because she's awesome and she's letting me crash at her house rent free while I get my paralegal certificate! 
5. For the rest of the Sutherland clan because they are crazy yet awesome! 
6. For this computer because I use it a LOT! 
7. For my jobs I've had in 2012 - my group home job and my job at CSU. 
8. For my ROOMMATES I had in 2012! Roz and Jo! I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!! :) 
9. For the others in the Quad that made me smile such as Kristina and Kim :) 
10. That I am able to volunteer at Colorado Legal Services for experience and also to help them out :) 
11. For the RTD bus system that is so much better than Transfort :) 
12. That there's peace in the middle east for today (Thanks, Mom) 
13. That Mom is thankful for stuff too and thankful to God for a lot of it and that wouldn't have happened 10 years ago! 
14. I'm thankful for Hope Crossing Church my new peeps! 
15. I'm thankful for freedom of speech and religion covered in the First Amendment to the Constitution :) 
16. I'm thankful for my friends in the paralegal program that we can be paralegal nerds together! 
17. I'm thankful for my friends from high school  and CSU that I still keep in touch with  :) 
18. I'm thankful for squishy friends (stuffed animals). 
19. That it's sunny out today and it was really nice out yesterday :) 
20. That the news only has to report on the Macy's parade and not more urgent (bad) news. 
21. That God has provided for me even in this recession and still has his hand of grace and provision over the United States (for now). 
22. That I get to play with my cute second cousins at tonight's family gathering and that I will most likely get to eat pie :) WOO HOO! 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Middle East Issues, End Times, and Reminders

"You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come.  Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be faminesand earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains." Matthew 24:6-8 NIV1984

In case you all in the blogsphere didn't know, the Israel-Palestine conflict is heating up with the Israeli's countering missles fired into Tel-Aviv in the last few days. An analysis here explains it all. Whenever I hear about issues between Israel and Palestine, I am tempted to either think two things: Oh, it's just another skirmish we hear about on CNN or I think: 

It's the end of the world as we know it!!!!!!!!!!! 

(R.E.M. Video from YouTube)

And I don't necessarily feel fine. 

When I wonder if the end of the world is coming, I think about how that might mess up my own plans: my career path, my dream of maybe meeting prince-charming and living in a castle (house somewhere) and otherwise just living an ordinary American life suddenly seem less predictable. 

If I think the end of the world is coming, I often wonder if I will wake up and see this:  

"AVENGE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

Ahem... anyway, I must ask myself this question: So what do I think is truly real and the most important? Do I think my (potential) paralegal career is important? Do I think my Mom and my family is important? What about my dreams for the future? In every day life, I think these are the most important thing. But when I hear about world events that might change things, I am forced to draw back and see the bigger picture. 

God's story, His-story is the most important thing and all these smaller variables are a small part of it. Being an to Christ example to my Mom, doing my paralegal program stuff, and doing whatever else God has planned in my life are a sub-plot within the main plot of God's plan for the whole world. If my little sub-plot falls right before the end-times or still 100 years before the end times, I don't know. What I do know is that each generation is called to be obedient and faithful to God. That is what I see as I read 2 Chronicles. Each king had the choice to be obedient and faithful to God. Yes, the history of Judah was affected as these were heads of state, but individually every leader had to chose God each day. 

In my own small world, I am reminded to chose God each day and influence my little circle for Him. In the larger scheme of things, I should not neglect to pray for the rest of the world - for our leaders and for the nations. Prayer and material support for missions work is always needed no matter what part of history we are in. 

The reminder that God, as the sovereign ruler of this universe, could allow events that change the geopolitical landscape of the world in an instant reminds me to focus on what is truly important which is to love God and love the world for Him. 

Foundation of Beauty

I am so grateful for my Summitview women who have taught me what beauty means. I think I am in few weeks or so of struggling with it. This is because Mom is struggling with her body image and it's projected on comments about my appearance. 

She told me she ate a lot on her vacay and how she has to walk it off. 

I'm Asian, but I'm not a stereotypical super-skinny Asian. 

Asian Model - Google Images

I have more of a Polynesian  Pacific Island woman's figure and I actually got overweight in junior high. Cross Country helped tone me out :) But anyway, I don't think I'll ever be like stick-thin like a lot of other Asians.

Polynesian Dancers - Google Images

In grad school, God really helped me accept how He created me - both physically and developmentally. I am really glad for that :) Even though I didn't gush about the emotional issues of body image like most women (I would just say, yeah, I know it's correlated to self-esteem and such and I've felt those effects - I'd talk about it in a more academic manner), the emotions are no less real.

When I hear, "Are you getting fat?" I'd immediately feel like I am doing something wrong and feel ugly. Then I remind myself that I am walking nearly every day, and I bought healthy cereal. I have a sweet spot for candy ;) but I generally don't eat a huge mega bag of candy every day. When I exercise, I have to remember that I am exercising this intricately engineered body my Creator designed to get the most effective use of it, and not to prop myself up to say, "Holy crap, I look awesome now!"

The deeper issue is this: When I hear "Are you getting fat?" or "Are you watching what you eat?" I worry, "did Mom love me  / accept me less when I was overweight?" She praises how I look now, but she reminds me a lot not to gain weight. The deeper issue is that I want someone to love the me that I see in the mirror. That sounds so like something in a women's Christian book about body image that has Papyrus font on the front and a flower or something. The more raw way to say this is: When I hear stuff like that, I wish I was happily married to a Prince Charming who would thoroughly enjoy my body and think I'm hot. A sobering thought is I'd probably be one of those girls that the HDFS journals talk about as having risk-taking sexual behavior just because I know I'd be one of those girls that craves love.

That is a sobering thought: Without Christ, I would do maladaptive things to convince myself that I was beautiful. But that is not my reality :) GOD THINKS I'M BEAUTIFUL!!!! :) :)

Bride in Hawaii -

Google Images

My Creator who sequenced my DNA and has all my physical specifications down to a science is happy with how He made me, and because of Christ, I have His love. I can crave it, not because I desperately need but do not have access to it, but I can  crave it as a bride would crave the love of her current husband. It is accessible and she can get more.

That grounds me and so I can look at myself and say, "Don't worry about Mom, God is calling you beautiful." :)

A Crisis Observed: The First Morning

Whoa, hey, last night was like "Angry Birds" except it was
Angry Blogger... wow. 

So last night, I listened to music, wrote in my journal and then listened to John Piper's message "The supremacy of Joy in a Postmodern World." That was really awesome because it grounded me that joy flows out of the relationship between the Father and the Son and then we are able to share in it because we are justified through the Cross. That was nice because joy is NOT in my circumstance (yes, Katie, you should've learned that by now, but apparently...) and also for this situation will not be primarily in: an amazingly good recovery for my aunt after surgery, the tumor being benign, or even if my unsaved family members come to know Christ through this. These would be secondary sources of joy, but the primary source is God. 

Knowing that still didn't stop the 'blahs' from hitting me when I woke up today. I lay in bed just wanting to snuggle in my blankets and stare at the wall until I had to go to class. But I reminded myself of Truth and reminded myself that God will give me strength to get through the day :) 

Knowing my joy comes primarily from God allowed me to enjoy some little smiles this morning. When I got dressed for a little morning walk, I got into my CSU Rams sweatpants and hoodie. I thought, "Oh man, I'm Ramed up today! Woo! :)" and seeing the grass along the bike path near my little house just a little bit greener thanks to the rain yesterday made me smile. Watching some ducks in the creek also made me smile :)  And during my quiet time, the way 1 Chronicles 19 was HILARIOUS. "So the Arameans were not willing to help the Ammonites anymore. v.19." Um... YEAH... if you ally with a country that God through King David will beat down, you will not have a good time. Anyway, I laughed a bit.

When I came back, I wasn't that hungry (I know that's a sign of stress for me), but I ate cereal and then made an easy lunch. Joy means I can go through the day doing my thing and not lay around stressing out. Joy means looking for little smiles in the day even though I don't know how my aunt's surgery will go later on today.

I know today I might think about my aunt when I'm in class and stuff, but I also know I can just shout out a prayer (silently) to God and then go back to thinking about torts or something. 

God's hand in a car dent

Today Mom and I got in a car accident resulting in a dent in the back of her car :( We were stopped at a light and the person behind us forgot to stop. 

Then it was off to the police station to file a report. Mom stayed relatively calm through it. I helped her fill it out by reading stuff off different papers she had. I won't lie, I sorta felt like a paralegal helping Mom fill out a legal document... I also asked the officer the questions Mom had since she doesn't like talking to people she doesn't know. 

So now we're home and Mom is resting up her back (because it was a little sore from the accident). One thing I realize is this: God's hand was all over this accident. Here are all the ways: 

• Even though we got a car ding, it was on the back, not the front where the engine is. 
• The airbags didn't go off. 
• Mom stayed calm enough to exchange the information with the other driver. 
• I was there to help Mom verify the information.
• I stayed calm to help Mom file the police report.
• The officer at the station was nice and available to answer our questions. 
• The car ding will still allow us to open the trunk. 

It's still cool to see God's hand in incidents like this even though the incident itself is no fun. So truly in all things we can say, "God is Good!"

Joy in a dark day

This is an excerpt from a Google Document that I created around 12:30pm. 


I woke up at 5:18. Mom woke me up telling me about a shooting at a movie theater. I lay back down because I didn’t want to get up right away. I guess I was in shock. Or dazed. I wanted to believe it was a dream, but I heard the news commentator on TV and I knew it wasn’t a dream. So I got up. And watched the news. For a while. Then I went back to bed. I rationally knew it wasn’t a dream, yet I knew that I wanted it to be.

I could forget about it going to my renal ultrasound. But the lady behind me and Mom started talking about the Columbine shooting. I wanted to put my hands over my ears, but I had to check in. I wasn’t really interested much in the magazine I was looking at. I guess thinking about the scan and then the news.


Inside the quiet room, I could have time to pray. I heard the whooshing of my own blood in my arteries. The reality that for 14 people, their hearts were stopped, for others, they lost blood, it brought it home to me. I want to cry. I might cry even though I’m meeting with Abra. She’ll understand. I think we will have fun. I’m grateful for her being there and coming to Denver today. I won’t have to stay at home and watch the news. And it will be less bad.

I don’t like thinking about all the other bad stuff I’ve hard about. This brings those back. But God has healed me from that. With that knowledge, I sincerely pray for those in Aurora affected by the trauma both at risk for primary and secondary PTSD. I know God can heal them even though it takes a lot of pain and crying and revisiting the event over and over. He can heal them because I know He has healed me.

Later on today I indeed met with my friend Abra for lunch and an afternoon of hanging out.

Yay for Abra and I :)

We walked around shops and a park filled with flowers and did lots of giggling and hugging while we caught up on life. We played some games in the library to keep cool and even got to hug a giant caterpillar! 


 I liked that part of the day. Even then, there were times when the sadness of the movie theater shooting entered my head. Yet with my friend giggling next to me and reminiscing about fun times we had when we were both part of Summitview kept me in a good mood. 


The sadness hit me again when I went with my mom to dinner. As I sat down with my salad, I realized that tonight, 12 people would not be sitting down to eat as we were. I wanted to cry, but we were in a restaurant. 


Whenever I'd get sad throughout the day, I would pray for the people more directly affected by the shooting. Currently I'm listening to some Stephen Curtis Chapman. The music is relaxing, and the Truth of a God who is merciful and in control is comforting. 


I realized that God was teaching a lesson to have me experience giggles as well as sadness all in one day. 
God is the giver of Joy. He gives friends, He smiles when we smile. His love is shown when His people fellowship (and act silly). He Himself as Christ has also been wounded by this broken world. God will redeem the broken world. And God holds us when we cry when the world makes us hurt. I experienced both joy and sadness today. In both, I saw and acknowledged God. 

Divorce is SCARY!

I'm working on my handout for Intro to Law where a group of us are doing an overview presentation on Family Law. Since many clients of family lawyers deal with divorce, we are focusing on the divorce process. 

DIVORCE IS SCARY!!!!! 

I just want to say that right here right now!!! 

Um..... Katie, you're not even married yet. 

Yes, I know but I'm reminded of how I can get really scared when I think about marriage!!!!!!!! 

Of course, it would be nice to be married, but there's the possibility of it ending prematurely. What if hubby dies on me or what if he cheats on me, or what if he up and leaves me? That would fall in the realm of NOT COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Divorce is also scary because there's a whole mess of issues to deal with such as visitation, allocation of parental responsibility (custody), division of assets, division of property and then usually the woman (with joint or full custody) has to re-enter the workforce or somehow find a way to be promoted if she is working full time because now she's the sole earner of the household with children. Sure, she has child support and/or alimony, but still. 

Now that is why I want to hold onto my job and am reluctant to just up and quit if I have kids. Because of my fear of the 'what if I can't get employed again and I really really need to??' That's also why I wouldn't mind being single. I wouldn't have to worry about the 'what if he dies or leaves me and I'm all alone and what do I do now??' 

That's not to say there are NO what-ifs in the single world. There are. What if I get laid off, what if my roommate walks out on our lease, what if the bus wraps itself around a tree and nearly crushes little me - who will take care of me then? 

But I think the greater fear is that I don't want to entrust myself to someone else only to get hurt. I can argue that dividing up assets and custody would be no fun and that's why divorce scares me, but the above reason is the real reason why it scares me. A lot of it comes from being raised to never really trust men, but some of it comes from knowing both Christian and non-Christian couples that have divorced, so I know it can happen to anyone. 

Here's the question though: if I entrust myself FIRSTLY to God, then, He's the main that that has my back. Even if I get married, He's the main one I can trust with assets, property, children, etc. So if hubby croaks  or otherwise leaves, yes it would be difficult - very difficult, but if my trust is in God, I can be afflicted but not crushed, preplexed, but not driven to despair, struck down but not destroyed, because my hope and joy is in the life of Christ (2 cor 4). 

In this, though I don't like reading about divorce, that fear doesn't have to paralyze me 

Gratefulness for my Summitview Fathers

I grew up in a church tradition where the clergy-members were referred to as "Father So-and-So" It was just tradition, and I didn't think much of it. They were our spiritual leaders, but I always felt distant from them, perhaps because I felt distant from God due to my lack of understanding of the Gospel. 

Me outside of the Summitview building in 2011

As I "grew up" re-born through Christ in Newsom Hall (Room 264), I had another set of spiritual leaders. Aaron Ritter my first D-Team leader, Pastor Meyer and Pastor Thatcher were my first followed by Brandon Pullen, Mitch Majeski, and Eddie Smith, Nathan Hrouda, Chris Reynolds, John Larsen, and Russ and Dave Cole / Eric Kaan in Symbio. 


These guys taught me through their example and their leadership what it meant to be a display of Biblical masculinity. Their example helped me understand its' compliment: Biblical Femininity. I felt safe to flourish as a Believer and be my crazy little self around these Summitview men. 


More importantly, some of them became my 'Summitview Fathers' I consider John Meyer as my Summitview father because - well - his kids are my age, and also he was a very important figure in helping me learn about Creationism and he fueled my passion for it. Last year when I was deciding whether or not to pursue Occupational Therapy, he was willing to sit down and chat with me about it because I needed a parent-like figure who had a Christian worldview to help me figure out what I wanted to do with my life. 


My other leaders mentioned in the above paragraphs have helped me deal with my past and just deal with life as a young adult. They've seen me break down in tears as well as bounce around eeking. I am grateful for their friendship, guidance, and example. 


It was when I was at Summitview that I realized how deep my "father wound" was. Looking back at my time at Summitview, I see that God continues to fill it with Himself and He has used these "Summitview Fathers" as part of the process. 

So far from home

Much of yesterday and today, I have been following the coverage of the High Park fire near Fort Collins. It is hard to be far away from my friends who are wondering if they have to evacuate their apartments or houses. It is hard to look at the news and say, "Hey, I know where that is!" when they show a picture near Horsetooth Reservoir. I wish I could give my friends hugs in person when we talk about our worries about the fire. 

Yet I am relieved. I am relieved that I no longer live in Fort Collins near Overland Trail because Mom would be worrying me half to death about the fire (let's be honest).  I am relieved because I know God is in control. The news attributes the fire to "mother nature" and the reporters write or say, "Hopefully nature will change the course of the fire." God is the Creator of fire. He is the Creator of the mountains. He is absolutely sovereign over this world even though it is broken. He is the provider of all the people of Larimer County. He is the comforter in the midst of loss and uncertainty. 

Because I know these things, I can feel sad that I am not with my friends yet feel confident that they can rest in a sovereign Creator through this whole situation. 

Two hands

So we're wrapping up the upper limb in Gross Anatomy.  Today we discussed the hands and how the small intrinsic muscles move our fingers to allow for fine motor movement such as holding a pencil or picking up a coin.  

While we've been discussing the forearm and hand, I've become more aware of the slight numbness on the 4th and 5th digits on my left hand. I’m pretty sure it's due to a superficial cut slightly distal (below) my medial epicondyle of my humerus which is the inner part of my elbow.  That cut happened in the fall of 2007. Even if the faint scar wasn't there I could still place the cut because that fall of 2007, I made that cut among many on my upper and lower left limbs.   

Studying the hands made me think of the song "Two Hands" by Jars of Clay. I realized that for a good part of one year, I was using one hand to praise/ serve God, and another hand to literally destroy His creation - of my own limbs. Studying the hands also made me realize I am lucky to still have use of my left hand. The ulnar nerve is rather superficial and I could have easily damaged it during that time which would render my fingers useless. 


More importantly, studying the hands made me think of God's restoration and healing. The scars along some of the superficial vessels have faded greatly and I no longer self-injure. In fact, I realized that I have used my hands to help my clients at a group home avoid self-injury. This is really cool to think about - that I have come this far, and God has redeemed that experience so I can help others. 


The residual tingling in my fingers that I feel sometimes is a reminder of all that, but when I am able to use BOTH my hands to serve others and praise God, I have a much more powerful reminder of God's healing. 


I use one hand to pull You closer 
The other to push You away 
 
If I had two hands
Doing the same thing 
Lifted high 
Lifted high 

-  Jars of Clay

 

Carrying a whole stadium or person on your shoulders

This may come as a surprise to some people, but I consider myself a Bronco fan. Surprising to people because I don't really write or talk about sports much. I'm not the kind of fan that knows all the stats and stuff, but I like to go over to people's houses and watch games if they extend the invitation. Bronco merchandise that I own includes a Broncos t-shirt and squishy pillow :) 


Like much of Colorado and other Football fans, I have been intrigued by Tim Tebow. As a Christian, I am encouraged at how he isn't afraid to talk about God during and after the games. I also smile when I hear from his teammates during interviews that Tebow encourages them even during difficult times. The way Tebow demonstrates his faith as he plays for the Broncos encourages me to live out my faith in my own life. 


The Broncos ended their season yesterday loosing spectacularly to the Patriots. What struck me more than the difference in the scores was this: A lot of people put their hope in Tebow to win the game. In some ways it's just like how Mom would sit in front of the TV and yell at Elway whenever the Broncos messed up. And when my aunt and I would watch the Broncos (pom-poms in hand) when I was a kid, we would yell, "C'mon Elway! C'mon, THROW!" when they would be on the line of scrimmage. The quarterbacks always seem to be the center of attention / blame during games. 

Though the Broncos did win 5 games in a row, it seems like the team was still getting used to new players, new coach, and a new quarterback. That became apparent when we lost to the Patriots. Twice. But, apparently our team overall has improved a lot since the beginning of the season! I really do think that Tebow has something to do with it since the quarterbacks rally the team. 


 I think since Tebow is a very outspoken Christian, a lot of people hope that since he has The Big One aka God on his side, they think he's more likely to pull off miracle wins. The expectation about supernatural help on the football field probably adds to the pressure Tebow feels already as a quarterback. 

During the last Broncos-Patriots game, I started to feel sorry for Tebow. Not just because the score was 31-7 at half-time, but because of the weight he had on his shoulders of Broncos fans hoping his connection with God would produce a win. Did he feel like he was carrying Mile High Stadium, or the whole city of Denver on his shoulders? If he did, I have felt that same way. 


Instead of a whole city's hope of a winning touchdown or field goal on my shoulders, I've felt the weight of my mom's hopes and dreams on me. Her self-esteem was determined by my successes or failures. As a child, this was a heavy weight to bear. Just like a Broncos loss brings Tebow heavy criticism from the media, not meeting my mother's expectations brought shame. And just like Tebow is put on a pedestal when the Broncos win, my accomplishments brought me lots of praise, and I was expected to do more. 


This life of being so up and down in other people's eyes was hard for me, and I figure it's got to be difficult for Tebow. However, Tebow has something I didn't have growing up. He has the assurances of God's promises and love being sure. Christ won the battle for Tebow's soul. Christ gives Tebow worth, and dignity. God loves Tebow completely because by faith, Tebow has righteousness through Christ. Therefore, the stings of critical fans or press when he looses a game won't hurt as bad, and he doesn't have to mitigate that shame by winning to regain their love. In Christ alone his hope is found - in his fans or the press  - all others is sinking sand. I pray that he continues to remember that. 

An Outlier in the Single World

At some point recently I stumbled across a ministry called Boundless which is a young adults' ministry run by Focus on the Family. It has articles both for people in the Symbio and Rock demographics.  A lot of the articles are about dating and preparing for marriage. Luckily there are also articles on college and career choices as well. 

When skimming the site, I realized that I'm probably an outlier when it comes to the single world. 

On this graph, I'd probably be in one of the end (light purple arrowed) categories. Boundless and even Symbio are probably geared toward the average and out to 1 standard deviation (within the orange arrows). Average being the average person in their mid 20's - mid 30's. Meaning, probably the average person has 4-5 years of post-secondary education, has had in 3-5 years of Summitview or church ministry involvement, and stands I'd say about a 70% chance of getting married before age 35. 

Going by those statistics, I'd fall within 1 standard deviation. 

But if the statistics were this: Average Symbio female has desired dating or DWAPing for 3-5 years, hopes to marry within 2 years of joining Symbio, and 30% have been in a previous relationship, than I'd be more of an outlier. If the statistics for both male and female were: 90% of the population has frequently prayed for a spouse within the past 6 months, than I'd DEFINITELY be an outlier. 

*Note, these statistics were completely made up without me doing a formal study haha.*

In the Rock I had liked guys and wanted to get married, but that's not my reality now. Over half of articles for single people are about how to deal with life when you really really really want to get married but it hasn't happened yet. I've found one article about a person consciously choosing singleness. It sort of bounced around which was a little difficult, but it was decent. 

I think I've finally settled that for now I've chosen singleness and honestly is really is because I'm on the autism spectrum. It's not because I feel less worthy than my neurotypical peers, but because I honestly don't think I could handle dealing with another person's emotions 24/7. Was seeing Dr. Grandin's path of life right after I got diagnosed a factor? Yup. But it wasn't the only factor. I've been thinking about it a lot. 

So going back to the outlier thing, what am I to do when I realize that ministries like Boundless and to a lesser extent Symbio is geared toward the average population? One thing I remember is God does not treat me as if I'm outside of the statistical norm. He works with everyone individually - those within the average and those on the far sides of the bell curve. And the statistical norm isn't inherently better. It's just what it is. I have to remember that. 

And finally, maybe I can find some other outlying friends, which I actually have. There are other people who are content with being single and aren't planning on getting married any time soon or agonizing over it. We can support each other and see how God wants us to work with and fit in to the rest of our local church family. 

Feeling Behind no matter What

So today I had a moment of feeling behind in life. I just checked Facebook and found out one of my friends I knew from my time in an internship got married. She's younger than me and she adds to the ranks of other people younger than me getting a ring on it. 
I also hung out with my cousin today who's a teacher and is married with two daughters. Her daughters were really cute. My cousin is 2 years older than me. After we hung out, I went to the CSU campus to work on my Occupationaeltl Therapy school application. 

Suddenly I felt behind. 


Suddenly I felt like I wasn't where I should be in life. I should have a good career going OR I should be married and producing grandchildren for my mom. 

Even though my job at the group home is fulfilling, most people don't see it as a long-term career goal. And I obviously am not married. 


Yet as I entered my coursework into the application, I realized: I accomplished something: A CRAP-LOAD OF SCHOOL!!!!!! But seriously, not everyone gets a chance to go to a university or go to grad school. So those things are accomplishments. And not everyone has the personality needed to work in a group home. 


I thought about it further: What if I had a career? What if I was a program manager instead of a direct support provider at my group home? I could still feel behind if our organization wasn't running our facility like another in the region. I could still feel behind if I didn't have a ring on it. 


OK. Well, what if I had a ring on it and had a kid or so? If I stayed home, I'd feel behind because I wasn't working in the 'real world' even though providing direct care for a child's physical needs and teaching them social skills and helping them accomplish developmentally appropriate tasks is hard hard work. I get a glimpse of it when I work with kids in a classroom and when I see parents out in the field. 


Let's take it 1 step further: Let's say that I had a good career and was a wife and mother. First of all, I'd go insane. Secondly, I could STILL FEEL BEHIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No kidding. I could be like, "This person with the same family structure is moving faster in her career. This person with the same hours as me somehow scheduled in more activities for her kids than my kids have..."


Suddenly a lightbulb came on in my head: We all want to be ahead - to win the big prize of accomplishment.

. 

I think it's just human nature and part of wanting to be a god of sorts.  Yet if I realize that God has a plan for our lives and if we are in Christ, God has our approval because we have Christ's righteousness that He gave to us on the Cross. So we don't have to work for some sort of tangible or intangible trophy. We fall in to the temptation ALL THE TIME. We just have to apply faith and do good in the stuff God calls us to do and tell people about Him. And the cool thing is God helps us with that. 

Then I don't have to bemoan, "Oh, I'm not married. Oh, I don't have an AMAZING career, oh, I'm going back to school while everyone else's lives are moving on.... oh woe is me. :P" I can thank God for where He has taken me, where I am now, and where He would want me in the future :) Then I don't feel behind anymore. I feel right where God wants me :)

Seeing another's path and finding my own

I'm taking a class called Handicapped Individuals in Society  (OT 355) as part of preparing to apply to CSU's Occupational Therapy  program. Sometimes it makes me remember or think about how I've dealt with my disabilities in the past and how I'm doing now. 


According to the reading I read yesterday, people who are in the bargaining mindset (from Kubler-Ross's grief process model) see a glimmer of hope and seek out how their disability can be fixed. 


I realized that was partially to account for my fixation on Dr. Temple Grandin. Soon after my diagnosis of PPD-NOS, I was searching for a future. I was wondering, "Now what?" Conveniently enough, someone had lived life with an autism spectrum disorder and she was just a bus-ride to campus away. 

I became fixated on her life because I needed a path to walk down. My whole sense of who I was and my future was rearranged, and I needed somewhere to go. 


I thought, "If my life could look like hers, I will be ok." "If I do what she does, then I think all this will be worth it." That was why it was the bargaining phase of my thinking. That clamoring to find something to not necessarily fix, but finding something good to balance out the really intense bad feelings of, "Oh my goodness, someone threw a sledgehammer at my development / identity / future plans!!!!!!!!!"

Well,  EXACTLY A YEAR AGO, I actually got to see Dr. Grandin at a lecture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, she gave that exact lecture, though this picture wasn't taken at Colorado State University. It was pulled from Google Images. Anyhoo... I saw her at the University Center for the Arts at Griffin Concert Hall with one of my best friends Kristina.... IT WAS REALLY AWESOME AND I TOTALLY EEKED AFTERWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Erm - sorry, I got distracted :) So after the lecture, I realized that I can't follow exactly in her footsteps a) because livestock is not my thing (I'd so get trampled, and cows and horses smell funny) and b) more importantly, our ASD affects us in different ways. Dr. Grandin is totally cool with giving a lecture in front of millions of people since that's apparently what she spends half her life doing. She's less comfortable just hanging out talking with people even though she does it during book signings. I don't know how much she'd like working at the group home where I work. I like it :) 

So I realized this: Our paths initially cross wherein we both are on the autism spectrum, and we are both affiliated with CSU, but we're very different. Part of moving into an acceptance frame of mind was when I realized that I could look at her path to see how God used one person's disability and then trust Him for how He would use mine. One way where Dr. Grandin and I are the same, is that I've had the opportunity to help my clients on the spectrum and empathize with them because I've felt similar frustrations as they have.  Where my path will go, I don't know. It might cross Dr. Grandin's path again, or it may go a completely different way, and that's fine :) 

God, I want to run away!!!!

Long time no blog.... Well, not EXACTLY true, I do have a draft, but it always seems to be pushed to the back of the to do list....


Anyhoo, recently, I've told God that I want to run away. 


Huh? 


Well, for starters, I'm (hopefully) starting up at a NEW GROUP HOME! Yeah... For various reasons, I've left the old one. 

For a while all I had was my call-center job. I call it my 'crap' job when I don't feel very grateful for it. Thanks Google Images for finding the perfect picture for how I feel sometimes... 


Even if I get this new job, I'll still have two part-time jobs that I am still pretty overqualified for... Because I still put so much identity in my job (working on getting my identity elsewhere... we'll get to that) and because my mom will only believe (for now) that God is good when I get a full-time job in my field and will not be in debt. 


I have also been searching for a job  - ahem - a "real" job for over a year now. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I just want to "slam the door" on God and not talk to Him and just walk off and find a job all by my onesie since sometimes I feel like He's not helping anyway... It's one of those if God is the one ultimately responsible for where I go in life, and if I want to go to point A, but God is holding me back, then I must walk away from God and walk to point A on my own. In short, I want to run away and find a 'big girl' job on my own.  

I can pretend that God isn't real, however, here's the problem: If God is sovereign over every single life whether that person acknowledges His presence or not, and if God directs everyone's path whether we are aware of it or not (Acts 17), than logically, I cannot ignore God if He indeed has shown Himself to me through some form of communication. He has revealed Himself through The Bible, Creation, and His Spirit (personal connection). 


There is a reason I put a picture of a little person in this blog. Other than the fact it's sort of cute, it makes a point: Me 'running away' and pretending that God is not good and thinking I can get what I want on my own is like a child running away from his parents thinking he can get what he wants without them. 

This actually happened two weeks ago in Children's Ministry. One of my little guys wasn't having fun in the classroom, so he was about ready to make a run for it. Well, what would be bad about him roaming the halls of Summitview? Well, for practical purposes, if he fell, got hurt, got lost, etc. I would have a harder time tracking him down and getting to him. If he fell down in the classroom, he has three adults to help him versus if he fell down on a deserted stairway. And also, if he's alone, he isn't building a good relationship with his little classmates or with his teachers. Keeping him in the classroom is best so he can build beneficial relationships with people that want to influence his life in a positive way and teach him good things. Luckily our faithful Children's Ministry director was there and gave him a good talking-to as he was about to escape. He came back (sulking a bit), but brightened up with one of the helpers got him into building with blocks. 


I think God brings this image to mind because there are similar parallels. I could suddenly stop talking to God and try and find a 'real' job on my own - without praying to Him, without seeking advice from friends that believe in Him. I could move to a different city where my job would be and never find a new church group errantly thinking God let me down the last time. But I wouldn't have God warning me of spiritual danger, I wouldn't have God watching my behavior and correcting my habits as The Great Interventionist / Father / Teacher. Therefore, I'd 'fall' and I would probably wait a while before calling on God to help me. Most importantly, if I up and stopped talking to God and letting that relationship deepen, I'd miss out on what He had to teach me and remind me that He ultimately has good for me. 


Dear God,
I know sometimes I want my real job, and sometimes I feel like You don't want to give it to me. But I know it's not because I'm a bad girl because You paid for my sins on the cross. Sometimes I want to run away and not talk to You because I don't think You're giving me what I want. But I know it would be bad for me - Your child - to never talk to You again to run away from my 'spiritual home' so to speak.  So, God, I'm sorry for the times I have gotten mad at You. I'm thankful for the job You've given me and the things You're teaching me now. 


Thank You for prompting me and gently whispering: I have good for you right here. Please stay and talk to Me. 


Amen :)