Monday, July 30, 2007

Going Ahead Looking Back

This week I start the daunting task of packing up all my stuff to take back up to CSU for graduate school. I haven't been through my college stuff in over a year. Since I'm studying Human Development and Family Studies (HDFS), my huge biology book will remain behind :( :( but since I'm taking genetics, my biochemistry book gets to return with me. I should also probably take my Evolution a Theory in Crisis book with me too now come to think off it...

So many books, so many tapes and CD's from church with a bunch of messages... all my stuff tells a story of who I was in college - a mix between HDFS and premed nerd and a Christian girl who had a crazy preoccupation with Creationism and Intellegent Design. I also found some journals and some drawings I did in the darker moments of undergrad - mainly when I lost my uncle and grandpa. I saw how God grew me. Looking at the messages I chose to have in my 'sermon library' much of them center around Godward growth but also God's hand and purpose through pain and suffering and about what we would find at the end of our earthly walk with Him. I also found a message with a note on it to a good premed friend saying that "There's a premed analogy in the middle of this message which is cool!!!" , so I'm curious as to what that is now. :)

I also have to pack new stuff - kitchen stuff since the Lory Apartments have their own kitchen (yay!) So, I'm taking with me some of my 'old life' and I have to start building this new life in graduate school.

Whenever we transition, parts of the old life integrate with parts of the new. We all know this already, but it's interesting coming back to CSU because God grew me a lot during undergrad and especially with this year off working at the hospital. How will He use the lessons I learned as a premed and as a patient transporter to continue to build me as a HDFS graduate student? I have no idea as I am not God! However, looking back and seeing how He has changed me and how amazing that has been, I'm looking forward to this next chapter in my life and how it will reveal His glory.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Never Alone

"You are not alone / Know that I will fight the tide to be together / When you feel alone / Listen to this song to make your heart feel better." - Sanctus Real

I am listening to "Alone" by Sanctus Real. I thought about the video that a few people from my D-Team made the Spring of 2005. I remember that video because it was the first music video I helped make and that in the middle of making it, I recieved a phone call that I had to go back to Denver becauase my grandpa had worsened in the Intensive Care Unit. I remember crying with the very people that made the music video around me as we prayed. When I got back from that school year the following fall semester, my grandpa had passed, and when I watched the completed video, I just cried becauase I remembered it.

I just bought the song off of iTunes and as I'm listening to it and "Everything About You", My mind went back to my undergrad years which weren't so long ago, but in a way they were.

I started out a nerdy premed student who know God had to be important but I had no idea how He would change me. I became Christian mid 1st semester Freshman year and the changes began. Then the pain started. My uncle had his first occurance of lung cancer and that was scary but it was eradicated pretty quickly with chemotherapy. Freshman year was great. Sophomore year's worst pain was O-Chem. That was it. And I managed to get a C in O-Chem II. God revealed Himself as Creator to me then and I made an attempt to show my openly atheist professor that there was a God. My classmate and brother-in-Christ handed our professor a tract.

After my sophomore year the pain increased. My uncle was sick again with a terminal recurrence of cancer. I also idealized a person whom I wanted so badly to be there with me, and God had to break me from that obsession. Junior year my uncle got worse and died. I had to hold my pain in as I helped another family member deal with it. Yet I knew God was holding me close. I don't remember that much of 1st semester junior year, but I know that God continued to make Himself real through my reading of His Word and by the testimony and witness of my friends at CSU.

Second semester Junior year around Finals week, my grandpa got sick. Two back to back hardships. Studying for the MCAT was my reality check. Looking at pictures of the human body or molecules for organic chemistry review made me realize God was sovereign and rational even though these situations didn't appear rational at all.

That summer was hard. Really hard. God kept me in Fort Collins where I witnessed the changes He brought through the Summitview Infusion. And He kept a premed brother-in-Christ by me to help me through this ordeal. He started to become a very good friend through this, and for that, I was very thankful. My grandpa died the end of the summer. It's all in my blog here.

Senior year I took Biochemistry. There were many times I was almost brought to my knees in praise of God during the lectures as His awesomeness in the smallest workings of life were revealed. God through His Word, Biochemistry, and again His work in my friends kept me believing in His faithfulness, His plan, His comfort. God who held every molecule in my body making them all work properly could hold me when I felt overwhelmed with grief.

This last year I worked at a hospital. I've lost 4 patients that I have gotten to know pretty well, each time I've shed tears. I've seen a lot of suffering but a lot of amazing recoveries. God's hand is hard at work at the hospital.

So back to the song by Sanctus Real. Why am I listening to it over and over again? Because it's a reminder that God has never left me alone. Even through these past three years, when others may have thought He had left me, it was then He was the closest. I am starting to believe that this lesson was the main spiritual lesson of my undergraduate career. It was taught by pain, by a lot of pain, pain where I wished God would stop my physical heart and end it, but He wanted me to know that He would hold my spiritual heart as I cried.

I wonder what my graduate school years will be like. I hope they will be good. Whatever happens, I know for sure, wether things are good or bad, God will always be at my side.