Not to Us: 15 Years Later

Me in the kitchen from the other day

This morning, I was holding 11 month old baby Matthew and dancing around the living room to keep him occupied before breakfast. Bri-Bri had "Not to Us" playing on the CD player in the living room. (Yes, he still listens to CD's but that's another post.)

Me being me, tears came to my eyes because the Not to Us album was produced in 2002, and I became Christian in late September or early October, 2002. This album is a soundtrack to the first lessons that laid the foundation of my faith.

The lesson I come back to, and that all others encompass was learning that God was enough. In my dorm room in Newsom Hall at Colorado State University, I had dreams of being a doctor, dreams of meeting a cute Christian college guy, and dreams that knowledge I gained would heal the the trauma in my past.

Over those years, God made me see that His will was to be my ultimate ambition. His love would satisfy me beyond any person's ability to give, and His redemptive power would heal the wounds of my past.

Those lessons were not easily learned, and I would struggle throughout the years to put God first. I learned how to do well in school without making my academic success become an idol. I sort of learned how to get along with the college dudes without chasing - oh wait, I had a new crush every year. Never mind! Ok, yes, I totally had eyes for different guys in my college youth group (and guys outside my group sometimes), But every time I was friend-zoned by a guy, I learned to ask God to fill the void of love and of status (hey, this girl was smart and attractive and a strong enough Christian to have a guy) that I wanted said earthly guy to fill. Every time one of my friends got asked out by her crush, or just out by some random guy in the college group she barely knew, I learned what it meant to truly be happy for her and not let envy get in the way of our friendship because I knew we were both sisters in Christ.

God is still working on the healing the trauma bit. He led me to a university which had a good student-counseling program, and yes, I was in the counselor's office every single year at CSU. This includes grad school. Every time I learned something about child development that made me realize I learned some skill late, or that made me realize that I struggled in some area because of some event or absence of care during my childhood, my wounds of childhood would open up again. I had tried to cover those by doing well in school and being a 'normal kid,' but I realized I had been through a lot. My friends would remind me that God saved me and my story was His story that He was working for good.

As I volunteered at church with the single mom's ministry and as I mentored a little girl adopted from China, I began to see how my past was informing how I helped others and telling my story helped them realize they weren't alone. I began to see God's redemptive work, and I still do.

Of course, these lessons continued after I left college. I learned to trust God as my provider in the Great Recession when I just couldn't get a job in my field, but I was still able to land some jobs that paid rent. I was a bit more content in my singleness and sometimes even shared what God taught me about Him being enough as I sat with younger girls as they pined after guys they liked. Though sometimes was just said, "God is sovereign and ultimately good, but singleness still sucks sometimes. Let's just eat through this pint of ice cream." God continued working with me through my past trauma as well.

Back to the present:

This morning, I was holding Matthew and swaying with him to "Enough." Today, I'm a paralegal, wife, step-mom, and mom. Are all my dreams from my college life fulfilled? Partially. I'm not a doctor, but I have a satisfying career. I married a sweet (dorky) cute Christian guy, and I hope I am a decent step-mom and mentor to his 7th grade son. And baby Matthew is right on track developmentally, according to his pediatrician. Life is going well.

Yet, I still need God to re-teach me the lessons of contentment and "Enough" just as much as I did in college. I sometimes wish we had a house instead of renting an apartment. I wish I had not just a good job, but a flexible job so I could spend time with my baby during the week. As my stepson enters his teenage years, and as Matthew continues to grow, I will need to trust God with their lives.

Throughout these fifteen years, and for the rest of my life, I will continue to learn that blessings and accomplishments in my life are not to us, and that in blessing or trial, God is enough.

The Mommy Blog Post

This little man takes up my "free time" when I get home from work and on weekends. His cute little picture begins my "mommy blog post." His big brother will get a post to himself soon :) but right now, little Mr. Matthew takes up most of my time.

Here he is eating a cracker while I eat my food (and then put some dishes in to soak.)

 At one point, my goal was to write a blog post every week. Well, that didn't happen for two reasons. The first is that I thought my life didn't have any noteworthy (or should I say blogworthy) events to write about.

These last eight months, I got up during the night to feed my little guy, got myself ready for work and little man ready to go to Grandma's house for the day, went to work during the day, came home, fed little guy and did chores, then went to bed before getting up during the night to tend to little guy. In between all this, I spent time catching up with hub's day, keeping up on social media (mostly during my morning and evening commutes), and doing other random stuff such as writing in the baby book and doing errands. Hubs and I run errands together if he's home, or if I am able, I take the bus and light rail with my little guy if we're only getting a few things from the store.

The second reason I didn't blog much is because I didn't have time, and still don't really have time to blog. Right now, I  have dishes soaking in the sink, bottles soaking in the second bathroom sink, and the baby clothes / towels / burp cloths / bibs / items baby has spat up on laundry basket is full.

Yet, when I take a step back from all that, I realize my life now is an answered prayer to all the prayers my college student and young college grad self prayed during the lonely nights in the dorms and various apartments.

I wanted a husband, but I thought I was too messed up, not loving God enough, and not being obedient enough to earn the blessing of a Christian man pursuing a relationship with me.

I thought having or adopting kids would be a neat experience, but again, I needed a husband to do that and I also didn't know if I was healed enough from my past to take on the emotional responsibility of raising kids. Sure, I worked with kids in a volunteer capacity at my church, but raising them is so different.

Yet, God did His thing and here I am as a stepmom to a 12 year old boy and a mom to an 8 month old. I'm also a "working parent." At some point, I did want to be a stay at home mom, but I was raised to believe that being a mom who worked outside the home was just fine, and actually couldn't be avoided. I still like my job and my paycheck is necessary at this point. Maybe my house isn't as tidy as the homes of my friends and family members who don't work outside the home, but I've co see that we all love our kids equally.

I also realize that God really does give each of us more energy than we thought we had on our own. Sometimes I'm tired from work and want to snooze, but God gives me the energy to play with and crawl after my baby. Most mornings, I walk into work tired, but Praise Jesus for the law firm's coffee machine! God gives me the brain power to be coherent, especially that first hour at my desk.

When I take a step back from the day in and day out of my life, I am reminded that so many others want my life. I still have friends who are waiting for husbands and married friends who are waiting to conceive or adopt children. Realizing that my life is a gift is a reminder to pray for my friends who are waiting for these things. Prayer is not just "Oh, I hope someday they get these things and be happy." but prayer is asking God, on my friend's behalf, for His power to come into her life to either help her draw close to Him while she waits and, if it's His will, to provide my friend the blessing she's asked for in His timing and for His purposes.

Thinking about my life in that more complete perspective reminds me that my husband and I dedicated Matthew at church in February and promised to raise him to know Christ so that one day, by God's grace, he would accept Jesus as his savior and live out the Great Commission: Love God, Love People for Christ. Even at the crawling, bottles, burping, and diapers stage of Matthew's life, I can pray for him and the act of loving him will make him familiar with love so he will more fully understand God's true love.

All these things make the seemingly mundane tasks of chores, caring for a baby, and other tasks of being a working mom significant and yes, even blog post worthy.

Truth. Love. Truth

So if you, dear reader, have read through the very first part of my blog, you'll find that some of my posts really lash out against "the culture", more specifically academia. I haven't written much about those sorts of things mainly because I've been away from academia so long, but also because my views have changed.

What?

I still believe that The Bible is the true Word of God, Jesus died on the cross to redeem us and forgive us for our sins, that He shall return one day and make the world perfect, that Jesus is the representation of true Love, and that God is Creator.

I also have been wrestling with the realization that I probably made some pretty big mistakes when I went about convincing people of the above truths.

My initial Christian training went along the lines of what most would call fundamentalist Christianity, and our pastor talked a lot about how society has gotten gender and the family all wrong. This was rather pertinent as I was in the middle of getting my degree(s) in Human Development and Family Studies. Indeed, I saw that when a spouse put power ahead of loving and serving his family, the family unit was more at risk for domestic violence, divorce, marital conflict, etc. I say 'his' because most of the time, perpetrators of domestic abuse are men. I used the word 'spouse' in the above example because God intended for a man and a woman to marry and commit to each other to form the foundation of their family.

I still believe all that.

I also believed that when I talked to a person who identified as LGBT, I was to act friendly toward them, but my real intention was to get them to trust me enough so I could give them the low down on why God does not intend for them to live an LGBT lifestyle. I believed that a man was to provide for the family financially, and the woman was ideally a homemaker. I saw many families that made it work at my church in Fort Collins and thought, "Well, hey, they're happy, and they can homeschool their children, so cool." If I met a person who believed in old earth Evolution, I would watch for ways to get into that God is Creator conversation. If I met anyone who had a viewpoint other than mine, I was taught to be civil, but my ultimate goal was to convince them of the Christian viewpoint because if they knew Truth, they would know the Gospel and would eventually accept Christ.

I probably annoyed a lot of people. Looking back, I wonder if some people saw me as that nice sweet fundamentalist Christian HDFS girl from college. More seriously, I wonder how much my actions drove them toward or away from Christ.

After graduating from college, I had my own faith crisis of finding a human services job during a recession and without the ability to get a drivers' license. One would be surprised at how many entry level human services jobs require a driver's license. Makes sense if one is to visit families or child care sites etc. Someone should've told me that earlier, but that's a whole other blog post.

Anyway, my focus became less about sharing my faith on campus and more about working enough hours at a job I didn't like so I could pay rent, pay my student loans, and eat some food. I still clung to faith but it was hard.

Along the way, I found that a lot of people needed love first. As I have gotten further along in life and at the ripe age of 32 (!!), I found that a hug rather than a short apologetics lesson is what hurting people need. Not just being nice so you can share truth, but actual loving them. Social skills training for this nearly Aspie Christian also helped too.

When I met my sweet husband, I was right up against the old debate of family again. Do I write him off because he did family wrong, or do I give him a chance and let him tell his story first? I listened to God and He instructed me to do the latter.

With my stepson, I do my best to show him love so he can trust me as a parental figure. Only after I did that, did we have some small conversations about God, church, etc. Are there times where I slip up and get impatient with him if he's giving his dad attitude about going to church? Yup But there are also times when I have rubbed his back for some sensory input during the message or gently asked him to not prod his dad during the sermon. We have prayed about his homework and we have prayed for sweet hubs when sweet hubs goes to sing with the Sunday school classes leaving my stepson and I to attend service together.

My blog post title is Truth. Love. Truth. I'm grateful for the apologetics lessons I learned in college and how deeply we studied the Bible. I learned so much about God and wouldn't trade that for anything. Learning to balance sharing Truth in love has been the hardest part of my development as a Christian. My instinct is to just tell people the right answer if I believe they are wrong, and that's exactly what I did. However, I slowly learned that people need God's love. I've learned to lend a listening ear first before just spouting out Truth. But when the person is receptive and God says it's the right time, I will tell them Truth: Jesus loves them. If we get into a discussion about other issues, fine, but they need to know that the truth is out there and that truth is Jesus came to bring them perfect Love.

The Question that made me go "huh."

Last Friday, the boys, hubs, and I were at the Kids' Night of Worship (NOW) at Southeast. We thought Daniel would enjoy it since it was geared more toward kids. Matthew enjoyed looking at all the lights in the room, the kids and stage crew dancing, and the music. Daniel did more watching than participating, but that's his style. I've learned that Daniel does participate by observation even if he isn't actively involved.

Anyway, the youth pastor asked the kids if they could fill in the blank. "The one thing God wants us to do is ________." Daniel looked at me and I asked him if he knew it. He shrugged, but my mind filled in the blank with "Obey and know the Truth."

The pastor followed up by saying, "The one thing God wants us to do is believe."

What? Daniel was still thinking about the answer, but my answer wasn't what the pastor had said. Granted, the sermon was geared toward kids ages 5 - 14, but still, he had to boil theology down to the very basics, and God wanting us to believe is a very basic piece of theology.

"Jesus answered, 'The work of God is this: to believe in the one He has sent." John 6:29 (NIV)

Well, there ya go. But that makes sense. We believe in God and then we worship in spirit and in Truth because Christ is the way, the Truth and the Light. We also obey because we believe and are connected to Christ who transforms us (John 15:5, Romans 12:1-2).

So, if belief is the core component of theology, why did I automatically think of "truth" and "obey" as the things God wants the most from us? Or, the Hermione Granger part of my brain asks, "Why did I get the question only partially right, or at the very worst, wrong?"

And why does it matter? It matters because of the little guy that was my arms and the little guy young middle schooler standing next to me that evening. As Matthew's mom and as Daniel's stepmom, I have an influence on their faith and they look to me for spiritual guidance (Ok, Daniel does. Matthew just likes snuggles in church for now). If I want to guide them down the right path, I have to have a solid foundation myself.

Why is it easier to say God wants us to obey and know Truth than it is to say that God wants us to believe? Well, there are rewards for obedience and the Hermione Granger in us enjoys the recognition that comes with knowing something well. Obedience can be measured: I was patient the last three times I waited in line. My co-worker jabbered my ear off again and I didn't snap at her. Knowledge is measurable: I memorized half a chapter today. Belief is less measurable. You either believe that Christ died for our salvation and rose from the dead to give us new life, or you don't. Belief can be demonstrated in outward signs such as baptism, character growth, and good works, but it is definitely harder to grasp.

I think from a developmental standpoint, it's easier to explain to kids that God wants us to be kind, so share your toys, God made the world in six days and on the seventh He rested. These are easier for kids with less abstract thought to digest. I think that's why we start with these. Those aren't wrong, but I could see why a kid would see "obey" and "know Truth" as foundational if they were introduced to those ideas first and then salvation by grace as a gift of God's love as an added bit of truth. I think I was raised in a church that leaned a bit more toward obedience and knowledge as a means to come to God and His grace was less emphasized.

As a parent, I must remind both boys that Jesus loves them and always start there.

Daniel has accepted the basic premise of salvation and chose to be baptized a few weeks ago as a symbol that he accepted Christ's death on the cross for his sins and has been brought to new life in His resurrection. Daniel will understand this truth and all its implications as he develops greater abstract thought, learns more about his faith, and connects with God in deeper ways. I want to facilitate this connection as much as I want to give him little nuggets of theology to learn, and again, that starts with reminding Daniel that Jesus loves him.

Little Matthew's church experience is purely sensory: the lights from the stage, the music, hearing different people talk, but I whisper to him that Jesus loves him. My hope is that some of his early memories, among those of a warm loving home, are those of his parents telling him that God loves him and that will plant the seeds for him to seek out and accept God's love as he gets older.

Lord, help me to grow deeper in knowing Your love and Your grace so that I may grow closer to You. Please use me to draw the boys closer to You as that is my prayer for their lives.

Good Good Father

Our choir playlists are posted to YouTube and shared with the choir FB page before we sing them on Wednesdays. As I clicked through the new songs, I saw this song now done by Chris Tomlin and I knew I was going to cry. Of course, I first listened to it on the bus, so I couldn’t start bawling then – ok, I could, but that would be weird. Inwardly, I thanked Matt, the guy who set up the playlist for previewing that song, because I grabbed a handful of kleenex for when actually sang that song that during choir practice.

It wasn’t until the next Wednesday when Dave Ramsey knocked me on my butt that I realized that my father wound still ran deep and God was using this song to continue my healing process.

Wait – Dave Ramsey? So… I was at work listening to the podcast and Dave was talking to the mom of an adopted 13 year old who wanted to go on his school trip and he didn’t work enough during the summer to pay for it. His mom was concerned because he was an international adoptee learning about the American monetary system and didn’t get it yet. Dave’s answer was this was a good opportunity to teach that child good money habits.

Hearing Dave’s heart for this kid and saying that if the thirteen year old boy was a Ramsey kid, this was how he’d would talk to him as his father. Out of nowhere, I started tearing up. I made it to the bathroom before closing the stall and crying. I didn’t want to cry really loudly in case my co-workers came in, but I was thinking, “Why did this podcast knock me on my butt and make me cry?” Hearing Dave saying that this kid needed a strong mother and father to show him the way touched my need for that same heart in a dad.

During that second choir practice singing Good Good Father I had my binder in front of my face even more than usual so Krissy didn’t see me bawling my eyes out. At some point, I couldn’t even sing and I felt God saying it was ok for me to cry, so I just cried.

I thought I was done with crying about not having an earthly dad. After all, I accepted Christ during my Freshman year of college back in 2002 and God really started showing me how He was like a dad after my sophomore year when He revealed that a crush I had on my professor was due to my need to find a father replacement.

My grandpa, Pa, had always been a father figure, but during my sophomore year, he started to develop dementia. I was loosing the only father like figure I knew, so I subconsciously looked for a replacement.

During that summer, I prayed to ask God to show me how He was my father. He was the one I could talk to when I couldn’t sleep, and He was the one who gave me a gift of riding on the side of a San Francisco cable car. My mom was afraid I’d fall off, but I felt God saying, “Daddy’s got you. Just enjoy the ride!” I was happy because Daddy put me on the cable car in a place where I could see everything.

He was my rock when Pa passed away and my mom was upset. He helped me get my mom and my aunt through it, even though I took a while longer to grieve because I stuffed my own feelings of sadness down so I could take care of them.

He gently nudged me to trust Him on my first date with Bri-Bri when I cried and sweet Bri-Bri wiped my tears.

When my uncle Steve walked me down the aisle I felt God’s presence at the wedding also and He provided what I needed for all the pieces to come together.

Even today, I watch how my Bri-Bri and Daniel play together and I smile knowing Daniel is lucky to have a dad. Even though he only spends the weekends and school breaks with his dad, he still has one. I guess I didn’t realize that I still had an ache in me until we started singing this song.

I cried during Good Good Father because I felt the pain again from not having a dad combined with the gratefulness of how God was filling that void. Pain and joy collided and it all resulted in my drawing closer to God for Him to wipe my tears and for me to give Him praise.

Not taking the Cross for Granted

During the Online Campus prayer partner stint, I listened to the segment about communion and I was like, "Yup, we're almost to the message." But I don't want Communion to come commonplace. I don't want The Cross to become commonplace because I would stop praying for my stepson's salvation and I would take God's grace for granted. 

So I stopped and pondered. 

When I survey the Wondrous Cross

On which the prince of Glory died

My richest gain I count but loss

And pour contempt on all my pride

Oh the Wonderful Cross

Oh the Wonderful Cross

Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live.

If I meditate on the truth that God graciously died in my place for my sins so I could be close to Him, if I meditate on the depths of that love and sacrifice, then I would not take the Cross for granted. 

Hey that wasn't so bad

So I just shared my  post: The Vortex of Love with my pastor because his sermon was about Christ's love filling us so we didn't need to demand love from others. If Christ fills us, we can truly selflessly love others. 

A few years ago, I would've walked away from that message in tears. A few years ago, the wounds from being the one to always fill the love wound in another's life were still raw. A few years ago, the physical wounds of self-injury as a result of all that were still dark on my skin rather than faint lines. A few years ago, I was allowing God to fully heal me, which  meant the wounds hurt more as He used His blood as antiseptic and stitched them together.

The feelings of low self-worth, of 'am I good enough' of, 'Why did God put me in that position for so long' are still there. The longer I sit and write this post, the more I don't want to write. But, the thoughts I have and the feelings I have are also, "God, Your praise will ever be on my lips because You redeemed me and You have healed me from this.", "God, You were there through my darkest days." The greater the storm, the louder our song. We sang Matt Redman's song "Loud" as a choir, and as I look at the storm God brought me through of the long years supporting another's self-worth and the pain of feeling like I wasn't doing enough, my praise is loud because God is teaching her that He is enough and God saved me so He can be enough for me for His praise and glory. 

The Letter Challenge

A friend of mine had an idea for me to write a letter to God and then for me to write what God would say back. 


I've actually heard of letter writing as a therapeutic technique, so I thought, "Well, why not?" So here goes: 

Dear God, 

This will not be like the song "Dear God," but yes, I do have that song stuck in my head, but You knew that already. I feel like I have to edit this letter to sound all theological, but You know what I'm going to say anyway. 

Thank You for the Cross. Jesus died in my place so that I can talk to You, have access to Your grace and Your love. That is Love. You are Love. You are Good. You are the Awesome God You are. Oh, and thanks for giving Matt Redman awesome song lyric writing skills. Worship songs are basically singing bits of scripture to music. Think about it. Wait... You know that.... 

So..... sometimes - a lot of time this world hurts. You also know that. You also took the nails and wore the crown of thorns and had your bones pulled apart and .... so yes, You know that the world is painful. 

God, sometimes wounds from my childhood still hurt. Sometimes old traumas still hurt. I get sad when people around me get sick. I get sad when people close to me die. 

And yes, I still worry about the future. That's normal, right? Wait, You said to Your disciples not to worry, so that must mean they WORRY.... oh, right. Normal.... ok. Cool. Yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm a bad Christian because I worry. Sometimes I nag at my sweet Bri-Bri because I worry. I worry about our finances, about my stepson's development and future, and I worry about when to expand our family. I know You have it all in Your hands, but I don't want my sweet Bri-Bri to suffer or my sweet stepson to suffer. I want to right for the future generations, so I don't want to put them at a disadvantage by not preparing for their arrival.  Sometimes I don't see how You will figure it out, but I also know You are genius at figuring stuff out. 

No matter what, Your praise will ever be on my lips. 

And yes, I'm listening to choir songs while writing this. Thank You for music. For song, for Your people singing Your praises. Thank you that we as a group of people growing in faith unify to sing to You. God, I pray for those that have to sing to You in secret under the threat of persecution. Here in America, we can post worship songs to YouTube, but that's not everywhere. God, lift up and strengthen those suffering for Your name. 

To You be the glory forever and ever! 

God's answer: 

Before the Throne

Tonight I fixed dinner for my stepson and I while my Bri-Bri was in class. This wasn't my first time getting a meal together for Daniel and I because I have spent the day or evening with him while Bri-Bri did his internship last fall.

Anyway, as I sat down with my dinner, Daniel held out his hands for us to pray. I prayed for our dinner and thanked God for the day and added a little prayer request for my mom since she was recovering from a minor illnesss.

As we ate, we talked about random things. Afer Daniel ate, he played on his Wii.  I watched him while doing dishes and I thought more about his gesture for us to pray together. Being the observant 10 year old  he is, he probably notices that I like it when my Bri-Bri prays for us and we hold hands.

Maybe Daniel wanted us to pray because that was the normal thing we all did before dinner.

Maybe he wanted to because he knew that I enjoyed praying and holding his and Bri-Bri's hand.

Maybe he wanted to connect with God.

Of course, his reasons could be a mix of all three.  Even if he sees prayer as routine or as something that makes his stepmom smile, he still willingly joins Bri-Bri and/or I as we approach God in prayer.

The song "Before the Throne of God Above" came to my head, specifically the version from Shane and Shanes "Pages".  As I thought about it, I smiled. Daniel, like his namesake, comes before the throne room of God. Even though he tells us that sometimes he doesn't think God is real and that is why he finds church a bit boring, he sees that we value praying. And I believe that God is tugging on his soul even if he is unaware of it. As one doesn't simply walk into Mordor, one cannot simply walk into the throne room of God and not be afffected.

Daniel's gesture tonight of wanting me to pray for our meal encouraged me to continue praying that God would reveal Himself more and more to Daniel. I pray that each time Daniel approaches God in prayer - from simple mealtimme prayers to prayers about his family to his own wondering about God - that God becoomes more real. I pray that Daniel sees God as the Magnificent Savior and Creator on His Throne, and that he knows he can approach that throne with grace and mercy because that King sympathizes with us and gives us grace in our weaknesses.

I pray that Daniel will one day approach the throne of God and declare that Christ is his Savior.

Before the throne of God above
I hae a strong and perfect plea
A great high priest who's name is love
Who ever lives and pleads for me

My name is graven on his hands
My name is written on his heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart

Hallelujah Halleujah
Praise the One
Risen Son of God

The Songs From the Summer of Ouch

Long time NO BLOG!!! Right???

Anyway, yesterday and today my huaband and I were listening to Jeremy Camp's "Stay" and "Carried Me" CD's in the car. 

Those were my "go to" CD's when my uncle was really sick one summer and I was trying to get over a hard core crush on a non-believer. Yeah long story. Summer of 2004 was the Summer of Ouch. My uncle was sick with terminal cancer and I was supporting my mom's grieving process and dealing with my own process. Also, God was addressing an area in my life where I was not trusting Him. You can probably see my posts related to this event within this blog. 

At any rate, listening to these songs again brought back memories of the pain, but they also made me aware of how much God grew my faith in that time. Listening to these songs was bittersweet because the pain twinged in my heart even as my heart praised God for giving me the sustaining grace to get through each day and showing me what it means to have joy that surpasses dark circumstances. 

God received glory in this moment as He does in every moment, but especially where His strength is displayed in our weakness and His joy shines through our sorrow. God healed me more because He once again revealed that He does not waste pain. 

The man of my 90's love song dreams

On Spotify, I'm making a playlist of the music I listened to in high school and college just for a nice walk down memory lane. 

Google Images - yes that round thing is called a discman. Where things called CDs were inserted for awesome tunes.



Reminiscing about the sappy love songs I listened to from Mariah Carey, N'Sync, and Backstreet Boys, I suddenly realized that when I listened to those songs, those were like prayers to God for Him to find me a man who would make me feel all sappy inside. 

Even in high school, I didn't just want 'arm candy.' I wanted a boyfriend who would care for me and be genuinely interested in me for me. I thought I wasn't worthy of a boyfriend because I didn't look like the girls on the cover of Seventeen magazine. I wasn't rich and I couldn't buy the latest brand-name clothes or drive a stylish car. At sixteen, I was learning how to ride the bus while my other friends were getting cars. I thought I was too different, too nerdy, to shy, to nearsighted to get a boyfriend. 

Somehow through my teen years, God kept me trusting in Him. Did I crush on guys I thought were cute? Yes. My friends and I spent lots of time giggling about famous guys (like N'Sync) and cute guys in our classes. But somehow I had this idea that God would bring the guy to me when I was ready. 

Enter: BOAZ!!!!!!!!! :) 

That's him! SQUEAK!



Sweet, kind, dorky Boaz!!!!! :) 

Loves me for me, cares genuinely for me, and I make him smile - quirks and all! And I want to love him back for those same reasons :) 

Wow! It's so funny how all those years back when I was laying in bed listening to my discman and wondering if God had a boyfriend for me, God was preparing my Boaz for when we would meet.... 15ish years later! He heard the prayers of my heart as I listened to my 90's love songs so one day my 60's guy (because he was born in 1969) to meet and exceed all of them :) 

Da Blawg Update

WHAZZUPPPP BLOGSPHERE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 

Uhh... Hi! I haven't written in a while. Internship and job searching and Probate and Estates class had been taking up my life UNTIL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I am done with Probate and Estates :) The course was taught by a well known probate lawyer who knew his stuff and was excited to teach :) 

No, I did not land a job at his firm, but I am still looking for jobs. Had two interviews so far! WOOT! God promised me this job search would not be like the last one (The Epic Job Search Of 2009 to 2010 in the midst of the Great Recession). First of all, Mom isn't as much on my case day to day (WOO HOO!) and second of all, I have some friends who are also job searching so we feel each others' pain :) More importantly, my trust is in God and that trust and faith in Him have grown so much more solid than they were in 2009. God used The Great Recession to make me put my faith in Him, to thank Him for the talents and skill set He had given me, and to tear away my identity in a job and/or accomplishments to focus my identity on Him. 

That means that I could talk about my job search without constantly crying and melting-down in front of my friends.... AND MY BOAZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) Heee heeee heee! 

Giggles :) 

I've gotten to hang with Boaz and his son a few times over the summer. Little guy is cute and we both love Boaz so yeah :) Last night my man was fixing up a scrumptious dinner of chicken breast, Rice a Roni, and beans while singing and dancing in his kitchen. His son and I sat at the table giggling at him. It was great! Then of course, the meal was tasty :) 

Oh yes, and my internship. I am still there :) My supervising attorney has put me in a bit of a position of second in command when it comes to training the newer interns. It feels sorta strange, but nice because I'm learning how to be a good co-worker and leader :) 

I am also working part time at Ross too. WOO HOO MORE MONEY! And a 20% employee discount. I'm using that discount wisely and getting stuff I really do need and not just random clothes and odds and ends. It's a nice little job until I get my first paralegal gig. 

Welp, that's little me in a nutshell. Even though yes, I want a paralegal job, I am honestly thankful and happy for where God has me right now :) :) 

Revisiting the soundtrack of trials

As Christians, we should always crave more of God. Sometimes it takes circumstances to force us to crave more of God. I had that today. 

Anyway, I decided to sync my ipod / iphone to new music. I chose music that I listened to in college when I was going through trials. Now, one might think, "Um... when you're going through hard times, why are you listening to songs you listened to during hard times??" 

Well, friends, the answer is this: God used these particular songs (2 worship CD's to be exact) at different times to remind me that He is God and sovereign and good and faithful and gracious to me during my past trials. I am reminded of how my faith was grown through tears and I am reminded of how in the midst of a trial, I felt God's love in a stronger deeper way. 

Listening to the soundtracks of my trials brings back tears and forces me to revisit these truths in light of my current situation. Listening to these songs encourages me as I draw closer to God in prayer and worship. Therefore, listening to these songs in this way ultimately allows God to encourage me and grow me :) 

Job Search II: The Search for More Money!

That's adapted from a line in Spaceballs where Yogurt says, "Join us in Spaceballs II: the search for more money!" 

Anyway yeah! 

A little job update from me: 

I had an interview with CLS and we shall see :) I am also registered with several Paralegal temp agencies. One of them gave me some good advice about how resumes should be formatted in the legal world. They should be in chronological order with the job duties listed below each employment entry. That was helpful :) 

Anyway, one interesting thing is this: Last time in Katie's Job Search take I, when there was a job I really REALLY wanted, I would freak out and get very anxious. I don't do that this time. One factor is that I am on a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds. But the larger reason is that I trust God and the degree to which I trust God has increased such that I do not give way to fear as easily as I once did. 

How do I do that even when I live in the same house as a beloved worry-wort (I love you, Mom!) Because I know God has this in His hands. I think I had to go through Job Search I: The attack of my (and Mom's anxiety) for me to really experience how God truly is sovereign over my career path. I just tell myself, "Katie, you have so much more going for you now then you did in Fort Collins. You aren't hindered as much with your inability to drive, the transit systems are better here, there are more jobs with the larger population, and you already spent a year in a legal environment." More importantly, God has grown my faith. 

Do I still want the CLS job? Yes I do! If that doesn't pan out, I know something else will :) 

His Bow in the sky

Today Mom and I were coming out of Rosemary's Cafe - a local establishment near our house - when we saw this beautiful summer rainbow in the sky :) Incidentally, it is near my old church which is in the right of the picture: Notre Dame Church. 

Today's beautiful rainbow

The sight brought a smile and internal eeks and squeaks to my mind because God was telling me that everything would be ok. That His promises were true. That He would provide. I know this because He has assured me two other times with providing His bow in the sky. 

In the summer of 2009, I was in El Paso, TX. Fresh out of grad school, I was looking for a temporary job there while I was there on a mission trip. It was my first out-of-state mission trip, and I knew God wanted me there. Yet clinging to that truth and His biblical truths were hard as the job wasn't coming and others weren't sure I made the right economic choice to go. 

A rainbow in very-warm El Paso after the torrential rain in the desert. 

Upon returning from El Paso, I moved to Fort Collins because that was where I believed God was calling me. I moved in with wonderful girls into an apartment complex dubbed "The Quad." Again, God reminded me of His steadfast promises and His provision - even though the recession was flooding the nation and my job prospects with despair. God reminded me that He was there.  He gave me a rainbow seven days after I moved in. 

Here it is :) 

A rainbow as seen from my apartment in The Quad :)

Now as I am faced with finding a paralegal job as my internship is winding down, God is so kind to me to remind me of His promises - His provision! God provided a rainbow today to remind me that He is with me in the calm, with me in the storm, and reminds me that just like He will never flood the earth, He will never allow my mind and emotions to flood with worry if I hold fast to Him and His promises. His bow in the sky reminds me to look to Him! 

The most Epic worship night!

On Saturday my sweet Boaz and I went to the Burning Lights Chris Tomlin concert at Red Rocks!!! It was EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boaz and I holding a flag we waved during the song... "White Flag"

Kari Jobe opened and I turned into a GIANT TEAR DROP when we sang "You are for me" because God used that song to encourage me during my post grad school job search.

Reminiscing and crying in a good way were the themes of the night for me.

I "grew up" listening to Chris Tomlin in that I spent the first 10 years of my Christian life rocking out to "Forever", "Not for us", Holy is The Lord", "Indescribable", and How Great is Our God" :) oh yes, and Our God is Greater. Yeah. Chris Tomlin songs rocked the Summitview Rock Worship Nights where I unashamedly rocked my FACE for Jesus :):)

When we sang those very songs - live - with Chris Tomlin leading us in worship, my Boaz's coat got a little wet from a lot of tears leaking out of my little eyes. I remember singing those songs in joy wen I was happy and when I was geeking out about God as Creator, and I remember singing these songs to praise God through grief, loss, and wrestling with my past.

As I praised God at Red Rocks while standing next to (and dancing with) my Boaz, I squeaked and eeeked realizing this was one giant Worship Night! Instead of Travis rocking Summitview, Chris was rocking the Denver Metro area. Yet they were the same: two very talented worship leaders drawing a large crowd of people closer to God by ROCKING OUT REALLY LOUDLY! Chris Tomlin called the front the "praise pit" and I giggled because we and the mosh pit during Rock Worship Nights.

As Chris Tomlin and Kari Jobe led us in worship I sang, danced, eeeked, and cried praising God for who He is and how He has refined me by bringing me closer to Him from that very first Rock Worship Night until now.

You never stopped loving us
No matter how far we run
You never give up on us
All of Heaven shouts

Let the future begin!

I feel alive
I come alive
I am alive
on God's great dance floor

-Chris Tomlin "God's great dance floor"

The Struggle In Between

Francesca Basttistelli "Time In Between" 

Don't take much for this crazy world

To rob me of my peace

And the enemy of my soul

Says You're holding out on me

So I stand here lifting empty hands

For you to fill me up again

But it's the time in between

That I fall down to my knees

Waiting on what You'll bring

And the things that I can't see

I know my song's incomplete

Still I'll sing in the time in between

[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ] 

Boaz and I were talking last night about different struggles we had with  being single in our pre-coupledom days. We both admitted that it's hard to admit  that we struggled with wondering how God would fill us in that 'time in between.' 

Sometimes I think there is shame in saying, "I'm impatient. I want something and I struggle to find it on my own rather than trust God for my desires." There is this sense that to be a good Christian, I have to patiently wait and God's grace in giving me what I want is contingent upon how patiently I wait. That shame tends to make me not talk about how I give in to my desires - even to God. 

Boaz felt the same way and we talked about how God grows us as we come to Him in the midst of the struggle in our 'time in between' - our time in between jobs, our time in our singleness, our tine in between wanting something and getting it. When Boaz and I were real about our desperation before God and how God came through in giving us the patience to wait and the comfort that He was there, I felt something cool. 

I felt that shame I had felt earlier about my struggles disappear  It was replaced with gratitude toward God :) Gratitude for: His blood covering my sin when I did give in without Him, His promise that He is enough, His comfort, and His love as a Father and Lord to tell me that He loved me and He has a plan for me :) Boaz felt the same way :) 

In the struggles in between as we wait for our hearts' desires, we learned that there is no shame in the struggle as we cried out to God  and waited as He showed us that He is enough :) 

The Vortex of Love

Tonight Mom and I had another evening of taking my aunt back to her apartment and driving her and Grandma to a restaurant to eat. Grandma paid for everyone's meal as a Christmas / Birthday gift to my mom :) My aunt made it back to her apartment and she and her roommate were happy to see each other when her roommate opened the door. 

The drive back to my grandma's house was uneventful and I had no problems helping Grandma into the house. However, Mom had a bit of trouble getting into the garage (it's an old garage door), and she got a bit frustrated which resulted in her taking her frustration out on me. 

Later Mom and I talked and she said that she didn't like all the driving around she had to do as part of her caregiving routine. I gathered from the conversation that she didn't feel appreciated. Earlier I gave Mom a Hobby Lobby gift card as a small birthday present and Mom was really excited about that and a surprise birthday card a neighbor gave her.

Our conversation made me realize why those little gifts were so precious to Mom. It seems that Mom was starved for love growing up, and she is still hungry for love. Tonight I shared with her Romans 5:5 which says hope (in God's love) does not dissapoint because God pours out His love through His Holy Spirit. That seemed to cheer her up along with a hug :) :) 

Yet I came to my room and had a bit of a near teary moment because I do not want to be a vortex of love. 

I do not want love to come to me and I just to take it and keep demanding love and keep demanding praise and such. I do not want others to feel like they can never please me and that everything anyone does isn't good enough because I always need more love. 

I also do not want to have to be in a situation where another person is pulling love from me and demanding more and never has enough from me. Specifically, I do not want to get married and discover Prince Charming is a vortex of love. That would be bad. That is a fear I have in getting married. 

I want to be a fountain of love - a little bubbling fountain where people can be encouraged and see that Christ loves through me because I am imperfect at loving people. Not just because of my ASD, but because I am not perfect - I sin and need Christ my savior. 

I want to marry a fountain of love fueled by Christ. Fountains give life and love, but a vortex only takes away.

We are all vortexes of love apart from Christ. Only Christ can fill up the holes left from our development. These holes just take away and suck love out of other people and demand more love from those around other people and can't give back. But Christ covers these holes. He is all in all, and transforms His followers from vortexes to reflections of His true fountain of love. 

100 Things I am thankful for

Happy Thanksgiving Blogsphere! 

I have not done a Thanksgiving blog post since November 2005. While reviewing that post, I noticed that I had done a 100 things I am thankful for as a Small Group Bible Study exercise. 

Here's a list of 22 things I am thankful for as of November 22, 2012 :) 

Katie is thankful for: 

1. God saving me TEN YEARS AGO in 2002 in 264 Newsom Hall at Colorado State University!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
2. That the formative years of my spiritual development (ages 0-7, especially 0-3) were spent around people who truly took the Bible to heart and lived it out. Thank you Summitview!! :) 
3. For my college education that has helped me as I go into the paralegal program! 
4. For Mom because she's awesome and she's letting me crash at her house rent free while I get my paralegal certificate! 
5. For the rest of the Sutherland clan because they are crazy yet awesome! 
6. For this computer because I use it a LOT! 
7. For my jobs I've had in 2012 - my group home job and my job at CSU. 
8. For my ROOMMATES I had in 2012! Roz and Jo! I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!! :) 
9. For the others in the Quad that made me smile such as Kristina and Kim :) 
10. That I am able to volunteer at Colorado Legal Services for experience and also to help them out :) 
11. For the RTD bus system that is so much better than Transfort :) 
12. That there's peace in the middle east for today (Thanks, Mom) 
13. That Mom is thankful for stuff too and thankful to God for a lot of it and that wouldn't have happened 10 years ago! 
14. I'm thankful for Hope Crossing Church my new peeps! 
15. I'm thankful for freedom of speech and religion covered in the First Amendment to the Constitution :) 
16. I'm thankful for my friends in the paralegal program that we can be paralegal nerds together! 
17. I'm thankful for my friends from high school  and CSU that I still keep in touch with  :) 
18. I'm thankful for squishy friends (stuffed animals). 
19. That it's sunny out today and it was really nice out yesterday :) 
20. That the news only has to report on the Macy's parade and not more urgent (bad) news. 
21. That God has provided for me even in this recession and still has his hand of grace and provision over the United States (for now). 
22. That I get to play with my cute second cousins at tonight's family gathering and that I will most likely get to eat pie :) WOO HOO! 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Foundation of Beauty

I am so grateful for my Summitview women who have taught me what beauty means. I think I am in few weeks or so of struggling with it. This is because Mom is struggling with her body image and it's projected on comments about my appearance. 

She told me she ate a lot on her vacay and how she has to walk it off. 

I'm Asian, but I'm not a stereotypical super-skinny Asian. 

Asian Model - Google Images

I have more of a Polynesian  Pacific Island woman's figure and I actually got overweight in junior high. Cross Country helped tone me out :) But anyway, I don't think I'll ever be like stick-thin like a lot of other Asians.

Polynesian Dancers - Google Images

In grad school, God really helped me accept how He created me - both physically and developmentally. I am really glad for that :) Even though I didn't gush about the emotional issues of body image like most women (I would just say, yeah, I know it's correlated to self-esteem and such and I've felt those effects - I'd talk about it in a more academic manner), the emotions are no less real.

When I hear, "Are you getting fat?" I'd immediately feel like I am doing something wrong and feel ugly. Then I remind myself that I am walking nearly every day, and I bought healthy cereal. I have a sweet spot for candy ;) but I generally don't eat a huge mega bag of candy every day. When I exercise, I have to remember that I am exercising this intricately engineered body my Creator designed to get the most effective use of it, and not to prop myself up to say, "Holy crap, I look awesome now!"

The deeper issue is this: When I hear "Are you getting fat?" or "Are you watching what you eat?" I worry, "did Mom love me  / accept me less when I was overweight?" She praises how I look now, but she reminds me a lot not to gain weight. The deeper issue is that I want someone to love the me that I see in the mirror. That sounds so like something in a women's Christian book about body image that has Papyrus font on the front and a flower or something. The more raw way to say this is: When I hear stuff like that, I wish I was happily married to a Prince Charming who would thoroughly enjoy my body and think I'm hot. A sobering thought is I'd probably be one of those girls that the HDFS journals talk about as having risk-taking sexual behavior just because I know I'd be one of those girls that craves love.

That is a sobering thought: Without Christ, I would do maladaptive things to convince myself that I was beautiful. But that is not my reality :) GOD THINKS I'M BEAUTIFUL!!!! :) :)

Bride in Hawaii -

Google Images

My Creator who sequenced my DNA and has all my physical specifications down to a science is happy with how He made me, and because of Christ, I have His love. I can crave it, not because I desperately need but do not have access to it, but I can  crave it as a bride would crave the love of her current husband. It is accessible and she can get more.

That grounds me and so I can look at myself and say, "Don't worry about Mom, God is calling you beautiful." :)