Iraq, the End Times indicator, and what it means for Academia and Medicine

Writing about my life is boring. I'm just 1 patient transporter, 1 child of God. But there is the whole WORLD out there to think about!!! Hence, this post will focus on much larger issues!

I just read an old TIME magazine report of the Sunni / Shiite schism in Iraq and the Middle East. It seems the rift began after the initial creation of the religions of Islam. They were going through establishing a church leadership and they had a disagreement on who would be the first Imam (the Muslim equivalent of the Pope). The Sunnis wanted one and the Shiites wanted another leader. The Sunni group had their favorite established as the first Imam, and as human nature is rather greedy, they have 'lorded' over the Shiite groups for the most part, thus that whole domination / oppression has caused the problems seen today in Iraq.

The consequences of a civil war in Iraq could flare up the Sunni / Shiite divide elsewhere, and experts say it's starting already with groups in the West Bank / Gaza and Lebanon being somewhat at odds.

So, the question TIME ultimately asks through this article is "What is there to do about this issue?" More accurately, "What can the west (more accurately, the United States) do about bringing this divide to an end and what will it cost us (the US mostly and then Europe following?)" The pending unrest is something a lot of people understandably get worked-up about because it means more unrest which would cause economic failures and more importantly, humanitarian suffering.

The question that I and other Believers must ask when we read this is: What is God's hand in this? We all know the end is coming. John Meyer is a rather adamant at teaching that the end is quite soon – as in within 1-3 generations. At first I listened with a smile and nod when he would get into it in a sermon. Then I would shrug it off as 'John's speculation' and begin more urgent things like planning for medical school.

However, the world situation is getting rather urgent with the seemingly under-focused situation in Darfur and with the pending unrest that's in the Middle East. Also, with the sharp increase in the number of active Muslims that is reported here and there on the news from different surveys and censuses, I now see a rather clear opposition to Christianity coming up which would be one of the causes of heightened persecution. Another thing is the rise in atheism / humanism. So, considering those 'current-events' indicators, I'm starting to agree with John Meyer and others (I think several ICR people are in this group) that believe the End Times are rather close by.

What does this mean for me? Not me as in my own small life. But my prayer life and how I ask God to use me. How should I pray then? For where I'm going. I'm going into at least two more years of being a student in a heavily humanistic field. Oh, God, I know You are reaching out to the field of Academia, to Your children in the ivory towers that still look to Your throne. I pray You will keep then strong, bring more of them – students, faculty to You before humanism becomes more of a norm, before it starts to cloud Your light more. The ivory towers will come down, but You, the Word of all knowledge will prevail.

And for the medical field, I offer that same prayer. That though we come close to defying mortality, though we have internal pacemakers and virus / cancer destroying agents, we have the human condition to battle – our own selfish ambitions, our patients' sicknesses and accidents. We hide behind stone and glass walls, complex molecules, and the ever-present technology that we claim will aid us in certain cures. But I know that the medical field takes a toll on its people because we see so much suffering even through medicine's victories. I pray all of those in the medical community will reach out to God, especially as they see their patients that reach for Him as they take in the cures at hand.

I wondered briefly how these fields would be affected by the End Times, and I realize that these are the fields – Academia and Medicine that have the most strongly become humanistic, but yet, history has shown that followers of God had influenced them first. Hospitals were set up to treat those society shunned because of illness, schools were set up to teach students about the Word and God's Creation. Yet these institutions have fallen away, and I truly do believe that in all the nations / groups that praise God for eternity, He wants the remnant of the schooled, the healers that walk in His footsteps to be among those that endure to the end.

An interesting parallel

So, if you all don't know, I have this other bloggy blog blog titled:Premed Clinicals which documents interesting insights I gain from working 40 hours / week at my local hospital. I've posted a TON on that... ok, not a TON, but I visit that along with my new fave website:Mescape. SO, what I realized is that if my online time is representative of what consumes me, I spend a lot of time being pre-med, thinking about pre-med stuff, and basically worrying about all things pre-med like applications and such.

I'm also going through the book of Luke (as I have been going through all the Gospels ever since.... September?) Anyway, I do spend a decent amount of time praying and thinking about God, but what really truly consumes me? Tonight I brought a very large non-premed (gasp) burden to God and I've felt quite at peace about that because I know that it is in His hands and I think I know how He might use it for His kingdom.

ANYWAY, tonight, hate to say, is a rather rare exception. Everyone at work knows me as the pre-med girl. Everyone in the hospital is starting to know this as well. I went through a phase where I was quite close to flaunting it when God humbled me... Secondly, people at the hospital know me as this innocent sheltered 'do no bad' girl. My church here in Denver talks a lot about living as aliens and strangers in this world of non-Christiandom. But my identity as a 'religious' goody-goody girl is only secondary to my identity as pre-med.

It is easier to present to everyone my pre-med side, it's harder to present the Christian side. What consumes me comes out. "From the abundance of our hearts we run our mouths." - John Reuben and Lk 6:45. God needs to consume me. In order for Him to consume me, I must love and serve Him and not the god of medicine.

Secondaries

Ok, update on the pre-med life: I filled out one secondary for Medical College of Wisconsin (brr.... cold winters AAH!) and I SHOULD submit the one to the place in St. Louis, and I'm nearly done with the Creighton Essay and the CU essays. I should submit everything later this week....

I'm moving closer to my dream of going to medical school, but I need to remember to draw closer to God. I've been reading a sister in Christ's bloggings about falling in love with God. Do I desire that as much as this dream? Do I thumb through the Bible soaking up His word and His presence just as much as when I flip through theJournal of the American Medical Association and soak up those articles and dream about where I want to be in 8 years ( KT MD!) I have to say that my quiet times have become routine, but I don't have that awe all the time that I would like to have, and honestly, I don't devote as much brain-space to God's word as I do those secondary essays. My spiritual life is suffering. Right now, the equilibrium side of me is heavily favoring the KT's amitions, flesh, etc. etc. side rather than the KT's submission to God, her Creator, Savior, Father, Lord's plan.

I know the cure is leaning more toward Him. I know the cure is reading His word. I know the cure is pursuing my secondaries, but only in the midst of pursuing Him more.

Prayers for this would be appreciated :)

A day in the life...

Ok, so I have been at this Transportation Tech job for 1 month. That explains the absence from the Blogger. As does the filling out the AAMCAS. As does the looking for grad schools if the med school thing doesn't work.

So, what's been going on in the life of this blogger? We - ell, yeah. I'll just describe it in the day of my life as of now.

5:45 am. I get up to the sound of my alarm on my cell-phone going off. Time to get up and change into the scrubs de jour, pack a lunch, and pick up a container of yogurt for breakfast.

6:10 - 7:00 Waiting for the bus, I have my quiet time. I have a pocket Bible, so I've been reading stuff in the New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs after reading the Days of Praise devotional de jour. Then I watch the sun come up and thank God for it because it's pretty. Sometimes if someone else is at the bus stop, I chill out with them because they're generally really cool. I get on a sequence of bus - Light Rail - another bus. In between stops, I grub on my yogurt. Mmm.... yogurt.

7:05ish I skid into the Transportation office at Denver Health. Most of my co-workers are already there, and I chill with them and we clock in, and the manger talks to us (who by the way is Christian and formerly pre-med which is way cool). Then the day begins.

7:10 - 12 or 1 ish Morning. I move patients, equipment (sometimes) and other things around the hospital. We're kept pretty busy. We get the requests down in the office, and we, the techs get paged. "Get this person in this room to this procedure and he/she can travel by bed/wheelchair." So yeah. Go in, introduce yourself, get yo gloves on and yeah. The patients are in varying states. Some are chatty, some are groggy, some are grumpy, ya get the point. I ask God to help them especially if they're currently in pain / worried about the procedure etc. etc. I also take blood samples to the lab. They're in bags. Some labs need to go to the lab as in now, so they're labled as Stat. I try and pray for the patients in need of the stat labs specially if they're pediatric patients or from the Mom / Baby unit. Sometimes I recognize the name on the test tube and pray for that person.

12 ish - 1 ish A half hour within that time bracket. Hospital grubbin' time! Yeah, the cafeteria gets crowded!!! I'm like, "Dang it's crowded!" (in my mind). Anyway, I used to use this time in less productive ways, but now as I grub, I write my thoughts about how this is helping me with training to be a doctor, write about interesting cases and what questions I have to look up in Medscape later. And if a case(es) was(were) on my mind from the morning, I try and pray about them.

Afternon until 3:30 More of the same as the morning.
3:30 - 4 ish Bus ride home on a sequence of busses and the Light Rail. I just chill. I have a coworker who rides one bus with me, so we get to chat about the day. It's a nice de-briefing especially if I had a lot of questions about a patient or a 'what could I have done better' thing. I spend some time on the bus praying for the people at the hospital and just relaxing.

home I change out of my scrubs de jour into bum around the house wear. That is, after I give Mom an "I'm home!!" kiss (if she's home). Then I chill out and then I fix dinner if Mom wants me to.

Our Bodies Declare the Glory of God

Today Premedica went to Body Worlds II at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. Part of Psalm 8 was on there: Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet

Here is that psalm in full: (from eSword, accessed 4/9/06)

Psa 8:1 To the choirmaster: according to The Gittith. A Psalm of David. O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens.
Psa 8:2 Out of the mouth of babes and infants, you have established strength because of your foes, to still the enemy and the avenger.
Psa 8:3 When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
Psa 8:4 what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?
Psa 8:5 Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.
Psa 8:6 You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet,
Psa 8:7 all sheep and oxen, and also the beasts of the field,
Psa 8:8 the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, whatever passes along the paths of the seas.
Psa 8:9 O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

The rest of the quotes in the exhibit had clear humanistic leanings saying that man is superior. There was one that said something about how the body was awesome, and the soul was somewhere in the body... Anyway, if anyone looked at Pslam 8 in full, it glorifies neither the creation or even man who was ordained to rule over creation, but it ends by exalting the Creator Himself because all these things: The bird of the air, things on earth, things in the heavens, and mankind are a reflection of His glory and His attributes. Several times at Body Worlds, I prayed for God's spirit on the people passing through, and that they wouldn't pay much attention to the quotes, but only pay attention to the specimens and that they would seek the Creator that they reflect.

Completely Ridiculously Awesome - Cool Times!!

You wouldn't think that this title would be for a blog about the Premedica Symposium, but it is :) Anyway, it was about cancer research and all the new stuff. I hosted one of the speakers which meant that I got water and juice for him when he needed it and just chilled out with him before the Symposium started.

The cool part was seeing more about how cell growth is regulated with all the proteins and stuff. I was thinking, "WHOA!!!! That's massively complex," And if a scientist went in and looked at it more, I think he or she would see that it had to be designed because of exactly how each part works out. NO, ID IS NOT A COP OUT BECAUSE WE THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE IT'S COMPLEX MEANS IT'S DESIGNED AND THEREFORE WE WON'T GO AND UNDERSTAND IT!!!! <-- Sorry, that's addressing my professor's rant about it... But anyway there was a speaker who I think was Christian because her son was carrying around a water bottle that read, "God made me" and I was like, "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! That's sooo cute!!!" This speaker is a faculty member in the College of Veterenary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences - the heart of CSU where people flock to and so, to realize that God has at least one worker in a position to reach a whole lot of that college made me really excited :) :)

The third cool part was at first not so cool. I started to get a nasty stomach ache after lecture two. My uncle has been dead from lung cancer for nearly 14 months now, and I think all that was coming back even though my mind didn't really acknowledge it, the rest of me did. I was hoping I wouldn't throw up or anything, but I went to the bathroom in between lectures a few times because I thought 'oh no, this is it.' I was feeling really bad during our refreshment break, but I knew that I had to stay with the speaker I was hosting. So, I thought about how God was sovereign in regulation of cells and everything, and trusted He would be sovereign over my gastrointestinal (GI) tract. I ended up keeping my stomach through the whole thing, and I felt better after I sat out one lecture.

After the symposium, a few of us helped clean up. We had massive amounts of baked food :) I got to get a whole bunch of grub! What's really awesome was that we spent so much time serving during the Symposium, and it just showed that God did reward us richly right then. I even had grub to give away to others :) I also helped one of the pre - med faculty advisors out to her car which she really liked :)

All in all, the Symposium just showed God's faithfulness in everything. Science without God is useless, it solves things, but if it doesn't glory the Creator, it is for nothing. If you erradicate someone's tumor, but if they do not know the Creator that designed their bodies, it is still a loss. But this Symposium glorified the Creator who designed every cell and who provided for the event to happen.

Wonderful Maker

So I'm studying Biochemistry and I made a diagram of all the pathways of the catabolism of the main macromlecules (how the cell breaks down different types of food :) and it's just cool seeing how it was put together and just knowing and believing that God put it together.

This semester I got to see God's sovereignty, sometimes walk in it, and I realized that all aspects of Him just came together - if He could not fail in His plan for Biochemistry, He could not fail in His plan for each day. If He sustained Creation - even if it's a fallen Creation, He can sustain my heart and soul, even if both are caught up in grief, worry, or desires. If He has redeemed and will re - create this Creation, He has redeemed and will renew my heart day by day. Knowing this, I can surrender my heart, my day, my worries and grief, and everything to this Wonderful Sovereign Creator and Savior.

"What a wonderful Maker/ what a wonderful Savior / how majestic Your whispers / how humble Your love / with a stregnth like no other / and a heart of a Father / How majestic your whispers / What a wonderful God." (lyrics by who else - Chris Tomlin!)

Not to me but to His name be the glory

First of all, kudos to Chris Tomlin for his awesome lyrics skills because that's where half my lyrics quotes come from.

So, I had this wild n' crazy idea that I would flyer both the BC351 sections with flyers that gave examples of how stuff could have had to be designed and then the implications of those findings.

I ended up doubting a whole bunch of stuff:

whether Scott meant Chem A101 or A103 when he said Chem A101, whether I put the flyers right - side up - which actually I didn't for 1 stack in my room :( and just that people would even notice them. I hope at least some did.

Anyway, I have had to keep my armor up all day. Seriously all day because - yeah. I woke up doubting stuff and I had to battle with myself on whether I should even flyer the 8:00 class because I wanted to go to the Rec center. Riiight.

So, even though I'm writing this as though I handled everything, it was really God. No, seriously, it was really God. He gave me the idea and the guts to do it, and He has helped me fight back every doubt (which were many and re - curring) and just allowed me to grit my teeth and do it.

in other news

I'm running off of 5 hours of sleep which is very rare for me. This is due to seeing the midnight showing of the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. Yay movie! I am also fasting because Branden Pullen said to do so before Worship Night which is tonight. So I am also running off glycogen and fatty acids. 3 or 4 or 5 cheers to The Great Biochemist (aka God).

God has been faithful with Biochemistry

So there was this one post called "Thank God I'm taking Biochemistry." that I wrote in July. The class is almost over, but here are some cool things that came out of it:

1. I'm in it with 2 awesome girls: Suda who I met in Lory Apartments and Audrey who was in PH121 and 122 with me; I pray I get to share with them sometime this year

2. I got to discuss, at least a little bit, intellegent design and the metabolic cycle with my professor. We're studying lipids, so that conversation can possibly continue.

3. I saw God was sovereign in the most intricate details of things which was most supercool!

4. That reassurance helped me through my friend getting briefly really sick as well as continued to help me with my 'chronic faith struggles' about other things.

5. It's just cool. Even though it can be hard. It's still cool.

6. Arrow - pushing is kept to a bare minimum. (Hooray!)

7. Another D - Team member is taking Biochemistry and has helped me with it - if you are that person, THANKS! :)

8. And it really has helped me partially review for the MCAT!

Supernatural Health

What is a pre - med Christian to do when he or she is involved in a discussion where one of his or her friends asserts that illness, especially mental illness is caused by demon possession or some other force of Satan or maybe God humbling the person with the illness? What are they to do when their 300 level classes and their general biology classes would clearly point to biological causes at the roots of some of these issues? And what is a pre - med to do when envoking the medical model may be to some, an invalidation of the power of God?

I have asked myself these questions for three years. Before going off into the crazy world of medical school, I would like to have figured out these questions at least partially. I need to know if only holding onto the medical model where every disease including mental illness has a biological cause, if I should take each case on an individual basis and determine what's going on, or if I should change my assumptions completely.

The trouble with assuming illnesses have a strong supernatural component is that one may pray instead of seek medicine or other forms of treatment which may make the illness worse and cause more harm. If I become a doctor, I will probably see patients and friends that appear to have a medical problem but not seek treatment because they see it as a supernatural problem. Then I would have a choice: I could tell them as their friend or as their physician that they have a legitimate medical problem. However, they may not believe me or discredit me saying I have a lack of faith or belief in the reality of the supernatural. The other choice I have would be to honor their belief and pray for them if they asked me to. However, I feel I would not be doing my duty as a physician if I ignored their condition.

Everyone's Sick =(

I have a whole bunch of my friends that are sick: one is recovering from surgery, one has foot problems, one has a cold, one has the stomach flu, one has anxiety / depression, and I am dealing with bereavement and that 'fractured mind' thing. As a friend, I'm sad all of us are sick. As a pre - med, I pray that everything is done in the medical establishment's power to make us all better. And as a Believer in Christ, I can still see my friends cling to the Great Physician and Savior as they deal with everything. He gives us all grace to still serve, still have conversations with nonbelievers, and still seek the face of God and worship.

The title of my blog is Spiritual Equilibrium. As Christians, we are in equilibrium with our flesh and the spirit of God that dwells within us. It can shift depending on our eviornment, but most importantly the state of our hearts - wether we let Him hold them wether we're sick or well, fractured or whole. I see in my friends that their physical or psychological condition may predispose them to let their flesh overcome them. They all recognize the reality of their illnesses and are seeking the medical resources to deal with them, but they are not shutting out their hearts for God. As their biological systems and doctors rebuild their flesh, they rejoice, if there are setbacks, they still rejoice because they know the soveriegnty of their Creator.

The molecules cry out!

I'm procrastinating from doing my homework. My HD332 homework that is. Oh - yeah, for those of you that don't know what HD332 is that's the class entitled Death Dying and Grief which is a required class for the Human Development and Family Studies major. I think I'm getting through that class by the grace of God. It's only offered in the fall semester, so I have to take it now to graduate in May.

This post however, concerns ANOTHER class which is Biochemistry. Yes, my last pre - med class I will have to take :) It's cool. Way cool. Because so far it's review of General Chemistry and Organic Chemistry which makes it easier. And because I see God's hand everywhere. There is this other post I had on my other blog about how the molecules cry out that there is a Creator even though some people that study them say that there is no God. Anyway, a few days ago, I was reading my Biochem book and I started singing to God:

You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at your feet
I worship You alone

You have given me all that
I could ever have wanted
and I want to give You
my heart and my soul

You alone are Father and
You alone are good and
You alone are Savior and
You alone are God

It's like the molecules on the page were singing out to God because - well they reflected Him and then the Spirit inside of me stirred and I started singing :) It's like the song Beautiful One:

Beautiful One I love you
Beautiful One, I adore
Beautiful One, my soul must sing

Anyway, I thought that was kinda cool. :)

Thank God I'm taking biochemistry!

Yes, all you pre - meds and biochemical enthusists, I am glad I'm taking Biochemistry. At least for now since the class hasn't started hee hee! :) I know it will be hard work once the class starts, but as long as our professor doesn't yell at us during exams or anything like that I think I'll be ok...

Anyway, I was thinking about this a few days ago. God had me take this one pre - med class for several very good reasons. The first one is that I think He knows that I like to be in classes where I see His hand in His creation. That's going to become important especially if things start going down the tubes on the homefront with Grandpa :( It's times like that where I'll need to see God's soveriengty. No kidding, there were times when I was preparing for the MCAT where after I studied something like the cell or something like that, I'd just look at a diagram of something and meditate upon the idea that God made it and that it showed His invisible qualities that were reassuring to me at the time (Rom 1:20).

The second reason I'm glad I'm taking biochemistry is that I'll have a cool group of study buddies some of whom still call Newsom with it's greasy grub and all home, and those of whom consider themselves former Newsomites. You guys rock. I'll hopefully meet some other way cool people there as well.

The third reason I'm glad I'm taking biochemistry is that I may have yet another chance to reach out to the prof - maybe - ya never know - that's a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG maybe. Anyway, I'd have a lot of Newsom buddies to help with that if God calls them to it too :)

The fourth reason I'm glad I'm taking biochemistry is that it will help with the MCAT in April. Zakely said that it would help. So hopefully it will.

"I'm pre - med, but I forgot why."

I have to write that pesky Medical School admissions essay. The prompt goes like this: Use the space provided to explain why you want to go to medical school. The available space for your response os 5300 characters or approximately one full page... (AAMC, 2006)

Riiiiiiiiiight. Why I want to go to medical school... that should be easy.

I... want to go to medical school because.... um... because... I want to help people.... and.... I like science.... and I like figuring out stuff... and....um...

Ok, so it's harder than I thought. Suddenly it hit me: I WANT TO GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL BUT I FORGOT WHY! Seriously, I forgot why. I know I picked doctor because Mom said that "over my dead body are you going to become a nurse."
She's a nurse and she doesn't like it. At the time I only knew of one other profession: Being a doctor. If I couldn't be a nurse, I could be a doctor. They're always learning new stuff about how to treat people, so I thought that was cool. I came to that decicision in 10th grade.

I didn't have much of a true identity as I entered 10th grade. School was my identity because it was the only thing I was good at. But school couldn't get you very far - it couldn't make you popular or erase your quirks or past hurts. After I made the decision to be pre - med, being "pre - pre - med" became my identity. I made friends with Linh, Anh, Vina, and Ryan. I would have a future that could maybe cover up or somehow redeem my past. My new friends had dreams of going to college to be pre - med, so naturally, we found a big portion of our lives in common. Being pre - pre med was my life in high school and later in the first half of college. I focused on my classes and extracurricular activities. I didn't get the chance to volunteer much due to transportation constraints and the fact that I needed to work. When I did volunteer, it was with church and premedica with premedicaid. I don't have as much 'medical experiance' as some pre - meds which is somewhat of a source of an anxiety.

Anyway, I jumped from "pre - med sounds good" to "pre - med is my LIFE!!" really quickly. In college, I became Christian. So am I pre - med or am I Chrisitian? The Christian identity will stick with me LONG after any academic / professional identity.

But I do want to see why I decided to do pre - med. I know how God used me being pre - med. He used it to let me come into contact with TONS of people I otherwise would never have met and now we're friends - or they are people I have prayed about and tried to outreach to.

Still, why did I decide? Other than the fact being a nurse was out of the question? Well, I always liked medicine - I was imersed in medicine, being a patient numerious times when I was young and then learning about the medical field with Mom telling me about her days at work. I was good at science. Ok, so I could've become a researcher or something... well, I wanted to help people... no, really, help people. Like be there with them. Like, ask them what's going on. And then figure out what was wrong with them. Dentists do that... but mouths? eeeeew!

Well, that's my musings for starters... now to expand on that and put it in a 5300 character (roughtly 1 page) essay... sigh....

Stuff pre - meds talk about (among themselves)

I got this idea because a pre - med friend and I talk a lot about nerdy stuff. Here's an insight into what some of us pre - meds talk about among ourselves

1. medical problems they had they tried to solve by themselves
2. medical problems other people tried to solve themselves (that pre - meds try to talk them out of doing)
3. trauma in movies - what part of the body got hurt, what pieces of organ those were laying on the ground
4. blood in movies - arterial or venous and why
5. how women docs could do at home vasectomies on their husbands (don't ask, please don' ask!)
6. Medical miracles in the Bible - why they are seriously massively supercool!
7. O - Chem and medicine
8. How the various fumes might've addled the O - Chem professor's brain
9. what not to put on the AAMCAS personal statement section

Seeing Beyond Current Medical Options

On Monday Mom called and told me Grandpa was in the hospital again because he wasn't eating. We were talking and she thought that he wouldn't do any better on a feeding tube, but half the family thinks he will. It was bothering me because I was discouraged; I thought he was getting better because he moved into a rehab place, but he is still struggling with appetite.

That led me to go on an early walk on Tuesday. I didn't get a ride to prayer, so I ended up walking around campus. I ended up sitting on a concrete ledge in front of the Yates building. I started praying about Grandpa and whining to God about how nothing seemed to be working. The song 'Indescribable' came into my head. I said, "Ok, God, since You're so amazing, You heal him." I said it rather sarcastically. Then I paused. Did I really think that He could heal Pa or was I trusting in the medical field for everything and forgetting that I had learned that Jesus identified as The Great Physician. (I had learned that on Monday.)

I thought of the story of the blind man and the story of the paralytic. The blind man was a beggar, but if he could afford it, I'm sure he went to the healers that had whatever medical knowledge or medical ideas they had at the time in 33AD. However, when he knew Jesus was there, he trusted in Him to heal his sight. He was trusting in something beyond the medical field. Same with the paralytic. He was at that pond where people went to get miraculously healed. It would be like someone today flying out to Johns Hopkins University Medical School to get treatment for something. That was the best thing out there at the time for him, but again, he reached beyond that for Jesus.

Could I do that now in this current medical climate? Or was I too wrapped up in the medical field giving me all the ansswers? Maybe it's harder today because the medical field seems like it does have all the answers. We have gene therapy, some stem cell therapy, insane amounts of pharmecuticals, advanced neuological imaging, laproscopic surgery... you name it, we have it or someone's thinking of it. Was I falling into that trap or could I reach beyond the medical world to the Great Physician?

I thought about physcicians themselves since I for so long was and still am wanting to follow in their footsteps. They say, "Take this or do this and then you'll be healed." I think a lot of them may think, "Take this or do this and then I would've healed you ." As I thought about it more, the medicial field revels in the glory of human achievement. To say you are a doctor says you achieved one of the most challenging things. To be pre - med is to build your life around one achievement after another and be able to look back on a string of things to say, "I did it. I got myself here." Not that trying is wrong, but it's the kind of pride that can make people forget that God gave them grace to do that (Deut 8). I realized my family and I, with our curent situation can have two options: Our decisions and the doctors we choose can make Pa better, or placing our trust in God and saying that He will guide the physicians that work with Pa and / or He can miraculously heal Pa if that is His will. Would we fall into the trap of what I like to call medical idealism or can we still have faith?

God reminded me of a memory I had about Pa that I don't think of that often. Pa is a devout Catholic who says the rosary every night. One day when I was 10, he told me how he prayed for God to heal my eyes and after my ear surgery, to heal my ears. I told him I appreciated it, but seceretly I was doubtful. How could God do it, when every physician I talked to said my eyes were massively messed up? I told Mom and she, being a nurse, blew off the idea as crazy. We didn't have the faith Pa did partially because we knew too much about 'what medicine really is. It was the use of chemicals and / or procedures done to alter one's anatomy / physiology to correct things damaged by disease or trauma. It wasn't saying a few prayers hoping the problem will go away.

But then I remembered reading stories out of Luke shortly after I became Christian. I read the story about Jesus healing a boy from epilepsy and a man from schizophrenia. I was blown away because of what I knew about those conditions. I knew they were very hard to treat even to this day and they could be caused by so many differetnt factors. To realize Jesus fixed people's brain biochemistry or possibly structural features just by speaking amazed me.

I saw how opposite those two memories were: I went from scoffing at true faith of Pa to being amazed at the power Jesus had to heal. What happened to that faith? Where was that awe I had when I first believed? Had I forgotten that God was powerful because Pa's current situation seemed discouraging? Possibly. Was it because I had prayed for so long last year about my uncle only to have his cancer come back? Maybe. But I had to remember God's ways were not my ways, and He chooses to do miracles when He wants to to bring glory to Himself.

Knowing that and recalling the faith Pa had, I prayed, this time in earnest for God, the Great Physician to heal Pa. I prayed that He would reveal Himself to my family so they wouldn't doubt His power anymore, and I prayed for Him to heal Pa so Pa could see that God answered the prayer of someone who had the kind of faith that he had modeled for so long.

When (neuro)Chemicals attack

So,. last night was weird. I was way happy at The Rock becaus a) the music was cool and b) the message was cool. However, my happy bubble with the message bursted when our guest speaker started talking about how somking had its perks but caused cancer. He was making an analogy that sin was like that: had perks but was bad for your soul, so don't do it type thing, but my uncle got diagnosed with his final bout of cancer a year ago last week :( so that wasn't cool.

I was able to focus on the message, but I started to be sensitive to more things that brought me down. Such as when the pastor talked about how people in heaven could possibly see us and those we know up there would be rooting for us, I thought, "I seriously don't know anyoner personally that's gone up to heaven." Maybe my uncle did. maybe but I'm not sure. I also realized that some people in heaven have probably seen me spill my guts about this sin problem involving me and this other person. Knowing that Chrisitians that knew that other person knew all the crap going on between me and that other person made me cringe. I had this idea that "What happens on earth... stays on earth." mentality about Heaven. Like we'd sorta remember stuff pertaining to God and our salvation and stuff but yeah. Maybe we'll see it as not being a problem or it won't bother us anymore or something but it was weird to think about.

So I guess I was starting to slide down into depression, but like all the times this happens, I don't realize this until I hit rock bottom. Other little things happened to contribute to the familiar downward spiral. There were some biochemical / endocrine factors at work, bust most of it was enviornmental factors such as: I just didn't want to hang out with the summer D - Team and when I got home the neighbors wanted to do stuff and they invited me but they were biking over and I needed a ride so I couldn't do anything with them. I was feeling useless, worthless, and just didn't feel like I was much of anything. I've messed up too much here on earth and people I didn't even know and couldn't see knew about it, memories of my uncle and how he got sick were bothering me again, I felt useless since I didn't have the connection to the D - Team that everyone else did since I was new, and I felt worthless because I couldn't do anything with anyone because transportation hindered it. I just heard this great talk about heaven and how it was like this world minus the sin and it would be perfect. So we brought our memories about earth with us. But maybe in the presence of God even the bad ones wouldn't get us down. I was thinking about the usual routes I thought of to get myself there wether God was calling me or not. I was Chrisitan so if I showed up on God's doorstep a litle unexpectedly, He would still welcome me in. I sat down at my computer to think or maybe start a note, but I thought, "Wait - what would I say in my note...."


When God intervenes


Suddenly I had this strong impulse to leave the apartment, almost like an invisible something inside my head was commanding me to leave. I immediately recognized it as God telling me to get out of the apartment partially so I wouldn't have access to the stuff I would require to make my escape from this world. God also gave the the idea that I would walk down Laurel to Lemay and eventually to Poudre Valley Hospital (PVH). That made sense in light of the fact that it was a safe place to go and if someone thought I needed to stay there longer, that option would be there. However, I left the apartment so fast I only had my coat and keys. No wallet, no insurance card. I figured that if God really wanted me at PVH, He would provide a way for me to get care. As I walked down Laurel, I started to bring what was going on to God. I started to feel a little better. Suddenly it dawned on me that Scott had told me that Colin and some other guys were living on Laurel. That was also a viable solution. I could go to Colin and co.'s house and talk to Colin. He was a fellow pre - med and I could tell him what had happened with my state of mind. Then he could probably help me figure out if I still needed to go to PVH or not.

Soon after I crossed College Ave, I met a lady who was also out walking. She asked me what I was doing out so late, and I told her that I was going to a friend's house. She asked me if I knew where it was and I gave her the number. We looked for it, but couldn't find the house. She asked me how far I was away from my house and I told her that I wasn't very far. She told me that I should probably be getting home.

I realized that God had sent her as kind of my 'turn around' marker. I had walked around during the time I was most vulnerable and the walking and thinking about how I was going to get out of the situation kept me from ruminating on all the bad stuff that happened in the evening. In a way, God was keeping me safe in his own way.

I went home and my friend was caling me just as I walked in the door. She asked me if I wanted to go shopping tomorrow (which by the way is now today :) I told her I would. As I hung up, I realized that I had a goal and a motivation for getting up the next morning.

As I went to bed, I realized that God had an intervention plan all this time for me. I was so glad I heeded his urging for me to leave before I did something rash. God is soveriegn and God is stable even when my own nervous system isn't.

"Be at rest, Oh my soul. For the Lord has been good. Be at rest. Once more." - from the song we sang at The Rock.

This is only a test...

This is a test to see where your heart lies... repeat, this is only a test

Sometimes God asks us either / or questions to reveal to us where our heart lies.


Today God asked me this question,"If you could only pick one, would you get married or go to medical school?" I thought, "WHAT???? Do you mean I have to pick between the two?" He said, "For this question's sake, yes." Grrrrrrrr... I really really want both."


Thinking... thinking... still thinking....


"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - OD!!!! I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE ASKING ME THIS! I want both, You KNOW I do."



Then I thought about it harder. Medical school is something that I want. Getting married means I get someone that I want. God told me that all my life that I've been seeking after somethings because I thought that I was not good enough for or not wanted enough to seek after a someone. Then I said, "Hey, God, You're that Someone I've been wanting!" Cool. Got that taken care of! Now I have my answer: I want to go to medical school :)" ha ha! I outsmarted God!


"Ok, that's true. You can lean on and trust Me to be that Someone regardless of your state on earth. But if you could ask me for one thing: medical school or marriage and you were sure I'd give it to you, what would you ask for?"


Hmmm... Crap. Didn't outsmart God. I knew what He was getting at. He was getting at what my heart longed for. He knew where all my fantasies went (good and bad) and He was trying to help me unpack it. But I didn't like thinking in either / or terms. Medical school was something I wanted ever since I was in 10th grade. I liked science. I liked biology the most. I liked figuring out problems. I liked helping people. Medical school would let me use all that. But what else did I seek when I became a doctor? People needed me. Society always needs doctors, right? and they hardly ever get laid off. So they have high mal - practice insurance and some may have to do surgery at 3:00am on Christmas Eve, but everyone needs doctors. And everyone at least respects doctors - ok, most people do. According to Mom, she made it seem like all the other people in the health professions (especially the nurses) got stepped on all the time. I didn't want that. I wanted to be in a position where if I didn't like what was going on, I'd be in a position to change it. And I wanted significance. Everyone knows what a doctor is and what he or she does. And everyone would know I was pretty smart.


pause.


So was I wanting praise of men? At least that's what that last paragraph seemed to say. God likes things done in secret and not showy (mt 6:1 - 18) for people to see. He would much prefer us doing stuff that's just between Him and us. Of course if guys like Rick Warren and Oswald Chambers go public, it's good if that's God's will, but their heart has to remain as if they were just doing whatever they do to please God and not men. So, do I want to go to medical school just for the kicks of having all the presige and power and significance? No. I want to go to medical school because it's the way to help people using the maximum capacity of my grey matter. Do I really want to help people? Yeah.


What if I didn't go to medical school? I could do something else career wise (what, I don't know.). But what if gasp God didn't want me to have a career. "c'mon, God! I have to! At least for a litle bit. You ever heard of STUDENT LOANS?"
Yes, God knows about those. Of course He knows about those. Then what is He getting at?


He's getting at this: What was the most important thing that I absolutely won't budge on even if He was trying to take it away? I care about getting married and going to medical school, but obviously right now I care about going to medical school and having some sort of a career more. Are they mutually exclusive? No. But is one harder to give up to God if He were to take it away? Yeah. Even if He was replacing it with another desire of my heart. Yeah.


So what to do? I don't know. Pray? Sure. But seriously, I know this isn't something I'm going to wake up and know the answer to. But I'm grateful that God really got down there and was able to break through everything to see what still had a hold on my heart.