I CAN'T GET THIS OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For a while, I've been referring to people on the spectrum including me (in my head and sometimes out loud) as super-nerds. I'll say, "And that's because I'm a super-nerd." I also refer to SUPER-NERD (Dum dum da DUM DA DUM!!!!! [Superman theme song]) who is a specific person ;)
There is method to Katie's madness :) Those of us with an ASD could be called super-nerds within our area of special-interest because one of the key diagnostic features of an ASD is the ability to and history of learning about and talking about one particular topic to death. Many people call it having a special interest or a fixation. People who have leveraged their special interest into a career generally do well. Many people become experts within their special interest and are called on for advice. For example, Bill Gates is like the master Microsoft dude. Donna Williams is a special-education consultant. I'm sort of the attachment person hehe :) People at Summitview also ask me about Creationism since that's another special interest of mine. If one of our pastors was on the spectrum, his special interest would definitely be Creationism hehe!!! :) In that regard, he's a lot more nerdy than me on it :)
When I say 'super-nerd' especially in regard to myself, I try to say it in a positive light to think of myself using the strengths-based perspective: I'm a nerd, but God can use my nerdy-powers-of-fixation to help others :) :) :) :) :) :) Ditto for others on the spectrum :) Seeing the ability to fixate and learn how to leverage it appropriately as a strength has helped me deal with living life on the autism spectrum, and remembering to see others on the spectrum in that light is obviously a good thing :)
I'll give readers 100 POINTS if they can guess the person who has exemplified this trait so well as to deserve the name SUPER-NERD!!!!!!!
100
90
80
70
60
50
...
Ok, haha, I bet half of you (who know me and/or read this blog regularly) guessed Temple Grandin :) Well, yeah (blushing) :) :) HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!! :) She cares for cows!!! She rides on planes..... she's - SUPER-NERD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
She's the go-to person in her field as an animal behavior researcher and she's the go-to person for autism too. She's leveraged her fixation on cows and animal behavior into her livestock handling business, and she's leveraged her fixation on sensory thinking into broader animal science and allowed researchers to gain insight into the autistic brain.
This is how much of the world sees her as THE Super-nerd and thus the most prominent voice from 'inside the Autistic brain.' Note, she's not the ONLY representative from inside the Autism Spectrum, but she's the one the world has chosen to be the rock star of the Autism community. She's also proud to be a CSU Ram as a professor, so she gets cool points from my end because of that too! Anyway, she was the first example I looked to when I realized that I needed to allow God to heal my shame around having fixations and not being normal. She was also an example God used of why He allowed certain people - me included - to be a super-nerd in a specific area to work His purposes :)
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Spiritual Mentoring from the Great Interventionist
According to the HDFS literature, mentors serve as alternate attachment figures to at-risk youth. A mentor can teach a child skills that he or she didn't learn in the home environment, provide emotional support that can increase the child's confidence, and help the child cope with difficult circumstances. A mentor ideally knows how to structure the environment and activities that help build a child's skills and provide emotional support. Good mentors know when to just be there and when to teach skills. They are well trained by someone who knows the research and understands child and adolescent development.
Spiritual mentors are very much the same :) I've come from a spiritual 'at-risk' environment where I was taught that God exists, but He is distant and not as reliable. We can do good to try and get into heaven, but we can't really connect with Him. This is what I believed when I became a part of Summitview. These beliefs had to be demolished and replaced with Truth after I became a believer. I also had very real attachment issues and other developmental issues that I had to deal with on top of growing as a new believer. One could say that I was at high risk for maladaptive spiritual development because I had added risk-factors that could hinder my spiritual growth.
Luckily God is the GREAT INTERVENTIONIST :) :) He knows my development better than even I do :) He put me in the best church environment for me to grow. Specifically, He provided older sisters in Christ that both served as actual and spiritual mentorship. I remember calling them and talking to them whenever I had issues. They served as my examples, and helped me work through a lot of my past and helped me grow in my spiritual development. They would 'structure' my environment by checking on me to make sure I had regular quiet-times and help me have conversations about the Bible. They also helped 'structure' fun things like Ultimate Frisbee. An older sister and Aaron Ritter coached me about how to play Ultimate Frisbee with much patience since I told them that I couldn't see well and was terrible at playing sports. It really was rewarding when they cheered me on when I threw the frisbee in the right general direction, even if my teammate didn't catch it. Through the love of my older brothers and sisters, I had alternate attachment figures and spiritual mentors in Christ that really helped those first few years of my development.
It's really uncanny - but not surprising that God actually did help me achieve developmental milestones that I missed. While playing on the playground with my Ritter teammates, we joked that we were going back to our childhoods. Suddenly I got really excited and I remember jumping up and down squealing: "Oh my gosh!!!! I'm really back in middle-childhood learning peer-peer interactions and receiving peer-group acceptance!! God's re-doing my middle childhood!" I'm pretty sure those were close to my exact words. Yes, I should've realized I was a super-nerd beyond most of the 1st year HDFS students. :) yet even in that nerdy realization on the playground, I had the first glimmer of hope that God would begin healing things in my past and work to grow me into a spiritually mature person :)
I'm in the stage now where I see younger sisters-in-Christ being mentored in much this same way and I have been able to serve as a mentor to some girls. That part is startling to me because I think "Can I really do this?" Then I realize, "God, the Great Interventionist placed me in this role to help this other person develop :)" That also means He helps me, and really He does the real work :) Seeing my younger sisters grow with their mentors and looking back on how God used my own mentors reminds me that He will complete the work He started in all His children and He is the solution to their spiritual and developmental needs :)
Spiritual mentors are very much the same :) I've come from a spiritual 'at-risk' environment where I was taught that God exists, but He is distant and not as reliable. We can do good to try and get into heaven, but we can't really connect with Him. This is what I believed when I became a part of Summitview. These beliefs had to be demolished and replaced with Truth after I became a believer. I also had very real attachment issues and other developmental issues that I had to deal with on top of growing as a new believer. One could say that I was at high risk for maladaptive spiritual development because I had added risk-factors that could hinder my spiritual growth.
Luckily God is the GREAT INTERVENTIONIST :) :) He knows my development better than even I do :) He put me in the best church environment for me to grow. Specifically, He provided older sisters in Christ that both served as actual and spiritual mentorship. I remember calling them and talking to them whenever I had issues. They served as my examples, and helped me work through a lot of my past and helped me grow in my spiritual development. They would 'structure' my environment by checking on me to make sure I had regular quiet-times and help me have conversations about the Bible. They also helped 'structure' fun things like Ultimate Frisbee. An older sister and Aaron Ritter coached me about how to play Ultimate Frisbee with much patience since I told them that I couldn't see well and was terrible at playing sports. It really was rewarding when they cheered me on when I threw the frisbee in the right general direction, even if my teammate didn't catch it. Through the love of my older brothers and sisters, I had alternate attachment figures and spiritual mentors in Christ that really helped those first few years of my development.
It's really uncanny - but not surprising that God actually did help me achieve developmental milestones that I missed. While playing on the playground with my Ritter teammates, we joked that we were going back to our childhoods. Suddenly I got really excited and I remember jumping up and down squealing: "Oh my gosh!!!! I'm really back in middle-childhood learning peer-peer interactions and receiving peer-group acceptance!! God's re-doing my middle childhood!" I'm pretty sure those were close to my exact words. Yes, I should've realized I was a super-nerd beyond most of the 1st year HDFS students. :) yet even in that nerdy realization on the playground, I had the first glimmer of hope that God would begin healing things in my past and work to grow me into a spiritually mature person :)
I'm in the stage now where I see younger sisters-in-Christ being mentored in much this same way and I have been able to serve as a mentor to some girls. That part is startling to me because I think "Can I really do this?" Then I realize, "God, the Great Interventionist placed me in this role to help this other person develop :)" That also means He helps me, and really He does the real work :) Seeing my younger sisters grow with their mentors and looking back on how God used my own mentors reminds me that He will complete the work He started in all His children and He is the solution to their spiritual and developmental needs :)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Obligatory Valentine's Day Post
Haha.... No, I'm not really cynical about Valentine's Day, c'mon :D But I have to laugh at PhD Comics (Piled Higher and Deeper) because of this comic!!!!!! I was sort of bummed on Valentine's Days of years past during the years when I liked specific guys, but I enjoy how Summitview D-Teams still try and do stuff for the singles :) For instance, Symbio singles are taking over Coopersmith's tonight!!! WOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) But yeah, I do tend to stop and think a bit about my life in the guy-girl relationships arena on Valentine's Day. I think it's only natural since - yeah. I am a girl. However, that doesn't necessarily obligate me to spend a lot of time pondering guy-girlness. Yet the Bible says that married women are helpmates of their husbands. We are equal in worth yet different in our roles. Because of this we long for being a helpmate to someone.Last night D-Team went to the home of a family from church for dinner. Their four little people were there so of course we played with them for a bit!!! I have to say, Team Ninja guys have decent paternal instincts :) I enjoyed hanging out with the little people too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They say some pretty great things. What I like about little people is teaching them stuff. Especially since my diagnosis, I've been noticing how I seem to have a more intellectual style in interacting with kids. It's not to say I don't care about them. I just seem to express it differently. However, I can't say that because my interaction style is different, I would be incapable of raising children if God called me to. But one thing I realized is that I saw raising children as a developmental step that I had to somehow achieve to succeed in life.
When I liked certain guys, I would get all twitterpaited when I saw them playing with kids, especially if they had really positive interactions and I could see that the kids were responding well. I would think: "Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!! High paternal emotional availability potential here! Well, this increases my desire to marry said person because our potential children would have really great developmental outcomes because of this and also see God's love a lot more clearly in their father!!!!!!" I would evaluate guys on the basis of how well they would fulfill the role of servant-leader and father in a marriage. Of course, that's not a bad thing at all to evaluate men on, but I think for me, I had a goal: marriage and I liked guys based on how well they would do in partnering with me in attaining said goal. It was mostly intellectual rather than the feeling of "fluffiness" that seems to happen in guy-girl movies. Sorry, can't think of a more precise word.... ;)
In an earlier post on this blog, I go a bit more in depth into my thoughts on marriage and how they've changed post-ASD diagnosis. So what goes through my mind when I hang out with kids now or approach days like Valentine's day or other times when the focus is on marriage or guy-girl stuff? I think it comes down to just being in the moment. This comes from releasing myself from the expectation that I should get married to be 'normal.' Shoot! I'M NOT NORMAL, so essentially: who cares :D So I can focus on doing single-people stuff on Valentine's day like our Symbio thing tonight and when I'm around a family, I can just be me around the kids and enjoy teaching them things and hanging out with them. The pressure of wanting things is gone, so the angst of all these things is largely gone too :)
Sunday, February 06, 2011
6 months since my life changed forever: Goodbye to the notion of normal
To continue the series of the 6 months since my life changed forever (and yes, I know it's been more than 6 months exactly), one thing that I realized today is that I had to say goodbye to the notion of normal. There was definitely an intial grief process because it was the loss of my perceived identity as a typical 26 year-old Christian female who was pursuing her career post-masters degree. When I was told that I might possibly have Asperger's Syndrome, I was faced with the prospect of identifing as a member of the individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders community that I had always viewed from the outside as a student or reseacher looking in. Yes, I had read articles about ASD and knew some of the descriptors sounded eerily familiar, but I had thought, "And here I am, having basically overcame some of these difficulties reading these articles as a future interventionist." Suddenly I was going back over textbooks and articles reading them thinking, "This might be me. I always wondered, but this might be me. These descriptors may be immovable for my life."
My friends told me that there would definitely be positives about pursuing a diagnosis such as receiving services to help me and finally understanding how God had made me. But my mind was reeling when they told me Aspergers Syndrome. I told them, "Imagine if someone told you, 'You might have cancer.' Well, you guys are basically telling me, 'You have cancer. Of your development.'" I wasn't mad at them. I was just scared that there was a sledgehammer about to come down and absolutely shatter all my previous notions of who I thought I was.
Well, figuratively speaking, the hammer did come down. It fell in a bit of a different place than I expeccted with the diagnosis of PPD-NOS. But still, though I knew my identity in Christ was unshaken, my identity of 'a typical girl with a bit of an eye problem' was shattered. My identity as another interventionist in the HDFS field was shattered. I was not a typical post-graduate. I was not a typical person in my field. I didn't know what the future held for me with my new diagnosis. I didn't know how to think about myself. Yes, I knew that God had a purpose for me and that He loved me regardless, I just didn't know where to go from there. That's why I clung so tightly to Dr. Grandin's story in the beginning. I had to see how God directed her life so I could trust Him to direct mine.
After many tears and pondering my life, I am ok with not being normal. No, I don't want God to make the rest of my life a carbon-copy of Dr. Grandin's life :-D I'm NOT THAT CRAZY HAHA!!!!!!!!! But I don't hold the expectations of a 'normal life' over myself and hence get mad at myself when I don't meet them. For instance, I can feel more comfortable in the group-home with the clients than in a staff meeting. Previously, I'd chide myself for that, but now I just say, "Meh, that's how the way God made me." Of course, I've learned some coping strategies and learned how to speak up at staff meetings so I can contribute in a good way.
One major step I took last sweek was making an appointment with the Departmet of Vocational Rehabilitation. Definitely not normal. But I figure, if they can help me learn interview skills and different ways to help me cope at my current and future jobs, than that works for me. I avoided getting disability services for my eyes in undergrad because I had intense shame at admitting any weakness. Anything that would make me stand out from the norm, I avoided.
Yet as God removed the shame of me being different, I felt more free to access these resources. I had to believe that God loves me even in my weakness; that He does not grieve that I am not 'his perfect little child' because I am not apart from Christ. He looks at me - flaws an all - and because He sees Christ in me - He loves me. Not for my abilities or goodness, but because of Christ. As I let go of this notion of trying to be normal, I embraced this truth, and this has made a ton of difference.
My friends told me that there would definitely be positives about pursuing a diagnosis such as receiving services to help me and finally understanding how God had made me. But my mind was reeling when they told me Aspergers Syndrome. I told them, "Imagine if someone told you, 'You might have cancer.' Well, you guys are basically telling me, 'You have cancer. Of your development.'" I wasn't mad at them. I was just scared that there was a sledgehammer about to come down and absolutely shatter all my previous notions of who I thought I was.
Well, figuratively speaking, the hammer did come down. It fell in a bit of a different place than I expeccted with the diagnosis of PPD-NOS. But still, though I knew my identity in Christ was unshaken, my identity of 'a typical girl with a bit of an eye problem' was shattered. My identity as another interventionist in the HDFS field was shattered. I was not a typical post-graduate. I was not a typical person in my field. I didn't know what the future held for me with my new diagnosis. I didn't know how to think about myself. Yes, I knew that God had a purpose for me and that He loved me regardless, I just didn't know where to go from there. That's why I clung so tightly to Dr. Grandin's story in the beginning. I had to see how God directed her life so I could trust Him to direct mine.
After many tears and pondering my life, I am ok with not being normal. No, I don't want God to make the rest of my life a carbon-copy of Dr. Grandin's life :-D I'm NOT THAT CRAZY HAHA!!!!!!!!! But I don't hold the expectations of a 'normal life' over myself and hence get mad at myself when I don't meet them. For instance, I can feel more comfortable in the group-home with the clients than in a staff meeting. Previously, I'd chide myself for that, but now I just say, "Meh, that's how the way God made me." Of course, I've learned some coping strategies and learned how to speak up at staff meetings so I can contribute in a good way.
One major step I took last sweek was making an appointment with the Departmet of Vocational Rehabilitation. Definitely not normal. But I figure, if they can help me learn interview skills and different ways to help me cope at my current and future jobs, than that works for me. I avoided getting disability services for my eyes in undergrad because I had intense shame at admitting any weakness. Anything that would make me stand out from the norm, I avoided.
Yet as God removed the shame of me being different, I felt more free to access these resources. I had to believe that God loves me even in my weakness; that He does not grieve that I am not 'his perfect little child' because I am not apart from Christ. He looks at me - flaws an all - and because He sees Christ in me - He loves me. Not for my abilities or goodness, but because of Christ. As I let go of this notion of trying to be normal, I embraced this truth, and this has made a ton of difference.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
6 months since my life changed forever: Work and what I want to do when I grow up
First of all:
OH MY GOODNESS THE BLOG LOOKS DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just thought I'd say that since I know that's what people will think if they are used to the old format. Well, I added the followers gadget and a search the blog gadget & apparently Blogspot has had updated templates for a while. Well, new year, new DECADE - new blog layout?
Now onto the intended content:
I thought I'd go a bit more in depth about how realizing I have an ASD has changed my life in several different areas just because it's nice for me to see and because it just shows how much I had to re-think my identity, but also how having an underlying trust in God in all these areas made this shift so much easier.
I went into HDFS because as a pediatrician, it would be nice to know about child development. I wanted to be a pediatrician so I could eventually work with and treat kids who were adopted that had attachment and/or development and/or sensory integration issues. Contrary to popular belief, I didn't chose HDFS because cute kids automatically made me eeek. In fact, my mom has a picture of me holding my second cousin with this look on my face like, "Oh dear God, help me hold this kid because I don't want to drop her and I'm not used to being around kids!!"
I had to grow into working well with kids. I had to grow into working well with people too. In retrospect, if I was in Temple Grandin's words, "an anthropologist from Mars" when it came to figuring out people and social situations, studying HDFS made it a bit easier.
Why do I start out with this? Because I was always bothered by the fact that the book-learning about development didn't necessarily translate into being able to handle interactions. For example: most people felt at home in the early-childhood classroom at the lab school at CSU and would feel at home in the Summitview nursery when they volunteered. For me, I could talk nicely to the kids and do basic stuff like remembering to get down at eye-level and explain things so they could understand, but I always felt like I was going at it firstly from an intellectual rather than an emotional standpoint. God gets infinite points (well, first because He's GOD) for helping me open my emotions to these kids that He allowed me to help. I think one of the reasons it was hard for me to open my emotions up was because if I felt the attachment a caregiver feels for his or her child, I would begin to miss the attachment I needed to feel growing up. In fact, I felt a sense of sadness when we discussed optimal parent-child interactions in class because I knew it wasn't like that for me growing up.
Anyway, as I got further into working in HDFS, I realized that a lot of people assume that people with an HDFS degree are naturally good at helping people and don't expect a person who does attachment work to put her foot in her mouth while at her internship. Well, during my summer internship in grad school, I ended up with foot-in-mouth syndrome a few times. Thankfully, God gave me grace & my supervisor understanding :) But still, I think that was a shock to both of us. Even in other things like doing research, I had some difficulties actually interacting with the team. That was always weird to me. Also, I could observe parent-child interactions, but it took me a bit longer to pick up on cues. My advisor always seemed to point out little things I missed, and it took a lot out of me to observe that keenly.
Finding out I had an ASD made all of that make sense!!!! FINALLY! Yes, I can still teach kids on a limited basis, yes I can still do research, yes I can still work with a team, but it is more challenging than it would be for most people in the HDFS world. They only have to study interactions for research purposes. I have to study interactions all the time just to avoid foot-in-mouth syndrome or other things. Unfortunately, this means that some jobs in my field might not be good for me. I thought about maybe going back and getting a Marriage and Family Therapy degree, but I know that reading client's feelings closely as well as analytically figuring out their problems would be a lot for me. Also, I don't think I could work in a child-care setting 40 hours a week. I enjoy doing Sunday school and babysitting for special-events at Summitview, but there is usually a 1 adult to every 3-5 kids, and in a child-care setting the ratios are much higher. I know I'd get overwhelmed if I had to manage a classroom with a 1:6 or above ratio because that's what the ratio was at the Early Childhood Center, and I was exhausted after a Friday afternoon of being there for my practicum.
So, what can I do? Well, I've decided to do some volunteer grant-writing to see how that goes. I enjoy research, and recently, I wrote an article for the Examiner, with more to come :) I'm pondering the idea of having a developmental services company that specializes in grant-writing, curriculum development for interventions, and more what I call 'techie' aspects of Human Development and Family Studies work. If things start rolling along smoothly, I might go back and pick up a PhD to gain more research and expertise. Hm... yes, this sounds a bit like what a certain professor did, but different field very different field, folks!!!!!!!!
This is definitely not what I was expecting to do with my degree, and knowing that I'll be in the human services world, but not in the way people usually are took a lot of shifting in my thinking. I panicked a bit and thought, "Oh no, did I go into the WRONG FIELD!?" No.
If I believe in a God who is sovereign and who opened the doors to me being in HDFS, this is not a mistake. I thought being premed was a mistake when I didn't do so hot on the MCAT, but God came though and provided that job in the hospital that allowed me to use my knowledge. I'm still using some of that knowledge in my current work as a direct care provider at a group home. God taught me about trusting Him for a career in general when I graduated, and it is this groundwork of trust that is helping me trust Him with whatever unique role He has for me in the HDFS field given both my strengths and my limitations.
OH MY GOODNESS THE BLOG LOOKS DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just thought I'd say that since I know that's what people will think if they are used to the old format. Well, I added the followers gadget and a search the blog gadget & apparently Blogspot has had updated templates for a while. Well, new year, new DECADE - new blog layout?
Now onto the intended content:
I thought I'd go a bit more in depth about how realizing I have an ASD has changed my life in several different areas just because it's nice for me to see and because it just shows how much I had to re-think my identity, but also how having an underlying trust in God in all these areas made this shift so much easier.
I went into HDFS because as a pediatrician, it would be nice to know about child development. I wanted to be a pediatrician so I could eventually work with and treat kids who were adopted that had attachment and/or development and/or sensory integration issues. Contrary to popular belief, I didn't chose HDFS because cute kids automatically made me eeek. In fact, my mom has a picture of me holding my second cousin with this look on my face like, "Oh dear God, help me hold this kid because I don't want to drop her and I'm not used to being around kids!!"
I had to grow into working well with kids. I had to grow into working well with people too. In retrospect, if I was in Temple Grandin's words, "an anthropologist from Mars" when it came to figuring out people and social situations, studying HDFS made it a bit easier.
Why do I start out with this? Because I was always bothered by the fact that the book-learning about development didn't necessarily translate into being able to handle interactions. For example: most people felt at home in the early-childhood classroom at the lab school at CSU and would feel at home in the Summitview nursery when they volunteered. For me, I could talk nicely to the kids and do basic stuff like remembering to get down at eye-level and explain things so they could understand, but I always felt like I was going at it firstly from an intellectual rather than an emotional standpoint. God gets infinite points (well, first because He's GOD) for helping me open my emotions to these kids that He allowed me to help. I think one of the reasons it was hard for me to open my emotions up was because if I felt the attachment a caregiver feels for his or her child, I would begin to miss the attachment I needed to feel growing up. In fact, I felt a sense of sadness when we discussed optimal parent-child interactions in class because I knew it wasn't like that for me growing up.
Anyway, as I got further into working in HDFS, I realized that a lot of people assume that people with an HDFS degree are naturally good at helping people and don't expect a person who does attachment work to put her foot in her mouth while at her internship. Well, during my summer internship in grad school, I ended up with foot-in-mouth syndrome a few times. Thankfully, God gave me grace & my supervisor understanding :) But still, I think that was a shock to both of us. Even in other things like doing research, I had some difficulties actually interacting with the team. That was always weird to me. Also, I could observe parent-child interactions, but it took me a bit longer to pick up on cues. My advisor always seemed to point out little things I missed, and it took a lot out of me to observe that keenly.
Finding out I had an ASD made all of that make sense!!!! FINALLY! Yes, I can still teach kids on a limited basis, yes I can still do research, yes I can still work with a team, but it is more challenging than it would be for most people in the HDFS world. They only have to study interactions for research purposes. I have to study interactions all the time just to avoid foot-in-mouth syndrome or other things. Unfortunately, this means that some jobs in my field might not be good for me. I thought about maybe going back and getting a Marriage and Family Therapy degree, but I know that reading client's feelings closely as well as analytically figuring out their problems would be a lot for me. Also, I don't think I could work in a child-care setting 40 hours a week. I enjoy doing Sunday school and babysitting for special-events at Summitview, but there is usually a 1 adult to every 3-5 kids, and in a child-care setting the ratios are much higher. I know I'd get overwhelmed if I had to manage a classroom with a 1:6 or above ratio because that's what the ratio was at the Early Childhood Center, and I was exhausted after a Friday afternoon of being there for my practicum.
So, what can I do? Well, I've decided to do some volunteer grant-writing to see how that goes. I enjoy research, and recently, I wrote an article for the Examiner, with more to come :) I'm pondering the idea of having a developmental services company that specializes in grant-writing, curriculum development for interventions, and more what I call 'techie' aspects of Human Development and Family Studies work. If things start rolling along smoothly, I might go back and pick up a PhD to gain more research and expertise. Hm... yes, this sounds a bit like what a certain professor did, but different field very different field, folks!!!!!!!!
This is definitely not what I was expecting to do with my degree, and knowing that I'll be in the human services world, but not in the way people usually are took a lot of shifting in my thinking. I panicked a bit and thought, "Oh no, did I go into the WRONG FIELD!?" No.
If I believe in a God who is sovereign and who opened the doors to me being in HDFS, this is not a mistake. I thought being premed was a mistake when I didn't do so hot on the MCAT, but God came though and provided that job in the hospital that allowed me to use my knowledge. I'm still using some of that knowledge in my current work as a direct care provider at a group home. God taught me about trusting Him for a career in general when I graduated, and it is this groundwork of trust that is helping me trust Him with whatever unique role He has for me in the HDFS field given both my strengths and my limitations.
Friday, January 07, 2011
6 months since my life changed forever - the overview
This is a re-post from my blog on the Wrong Planet forums. I thought it should be on here too. Some of this content is a bit repetitive from my other posts, but it's kind of a summary of my life these past 6 months.
Yup. June 30, 2010 was when I went into the Psychological Services center at Colorado State University for the evaluation to determine whether I had Aspergers Syndrome or not. In May on Memorial Day, three friends from church - two Human Development and Family Studies (HDFS) graduates like me, and one licensed middle school teacher, sat me down and told me that they had been noticing social quirks and how I still talked about HDFS intensely even though I had graduated a year ago. They suspected that I had Aspergers syndrome, even though I studied parent-child attachment and had accurately observed interactions. Yet, I wondered if they were right because though I could observe interactions, I had trouble in actual social situations with a lot of people or if I was already stressed out. Throughout my life, I had always had special-interests. Even in my classes, when we'd talk about autism spectrum disorders (ASD), I could relate in part when I reflected back on my childhood. However, I thought it was because I had learned how to interact late in life due to being adopted at age two after being in an orphanage and after chronic malnourishment and infections. I thought somehow the environmental factors in my early development were the causes of my childhood issues.
The day before I went into the evaluator's office, I went into the Animal Sciences building. This was the building where Dr. Temple Grandin worked. I stood in the lobby and thought. Sometimes I would go in there to write my thoughts about whether I had an ASD or not. Other times, I would sit on the stone benches in the courtyard because I didn't want to spend too much time in the building in case I did actually run into Dr. Grandin. I wouldn't have known what to say or how to explain why I was there.
I found her work about a week after the "I think you might have Aspergers Syndrome" conversation. The first thing that popped into my head was, "SHE WRITES IN APA STYLE!!!!! HOW COOL IS THAT!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Right then, we had a nerdy connection because I wrote my thesis and all my papers in APA. It's required for my field. Anyway, that was comforting, yes, in a nerdy sort of way!!! That started my fixation. I knew after the second day of looking up more of her articles and then sitting outside the Animal Science building writing about her work that this would be a fixation. "Yeah, Katie, face it. You probably do have Aspergers. Wait - she had full-blown (classic) autism! She can do it!!! So can you even if you have this thing!!!" That thought, second to Christ, was my anchor. Her life was my anchor. There, I said it! Even though I'd sit there and cry worried about my future or if I was re-experiencing the pain in my past just thinking about it, knowing she got through life somehow helped me. God used her life to remind me that everyone - no matter their talents and abilities - has a purpose in His plan.
Thinking about my past and going back through my past hurt a lot. Like I said, I was adopted, but my arrival with my medical problems and need for intensive intervention plus a very dismal prognosis (severe brain damage) at my initial evaluation really traumatized my mom. That and other things influenced how I grew up. I had pain in my childhood from that, and I felt I could never reach normal because of my fixations and social awkwardness. I wanted those to go away so Mom could finally have a perfect child, but I didn't know how to make them go away, or how to stop my brain from going into fixations. I would get yelled at eventually when my mother would get sick of me beating a subject to death, and that stopped a fixation only until another took its place. Until then, I didn't want to be me. Once in 11th grade, I wondered what it would be like to suddenly step foot into my life right then: retain all the academic learning and basic biographical information of myself but loose all the emotional pain of myself? What if somehow I could push the reset button in my life-history? I wanted to.
All this crossed my mind when I walked into the CSU evaluator's office. Luckily one of my friends from the trio that talked to me on Memorial Day came with me. I was nervous. Super-nervous. I was about ready to have my brain spilled out on the table (figuratively) for someone else to sort through to see what was wrong with it. Being an HDFS graduate, I knew what she could find. That made it worse. And knowing I had to talk about my past made me hurt even before I said anything.
I made it through the diagnostic interview. I also made it through half a box of kleenex and probably put indentations in the carpet from my evaluator's rocking chair. Yes, I knew it was a stim, but I couldn't help it. YOU'RE PULLING APART MY BRAIN, what do you expect!?!!?!?!?! One highlight of the meeting was that when I told her that I was pretty sure I was fixated on Temple Grandin, she told me that she had met her. I was like, "COOL!!! TELL TELL!" And my evaluator gave me the cliff-notes version of how Dr. Grandin talked to some of the staff just about autism and stuff by giving one of her standard lectures. That kinda made me smile. The suggestion that I should meet Dr. Grandin made me eek (haha, more on THAT later ;) ;) )
I was calmer later when I had to do the actual ADOS. It wasn't as bad as I thought. The evaluator seemed to think the same thing. Then came the two weeks of waiting for the results. That was not so fun. WHAT!?!?! I seriously spilled my BRAIN and now I have to wait two weeks for you to sort through it!?!?! Welcome to the world of psychological evaluation, especially for complicated clients like myself.
So, two weeks came and went. THEN came the results
Yup. June 30, 2010 was when I went into the Psychological Services center at Colorado State University for the evaluation to determine whether I had Aspergers Syndrome or not. In May on Memorial Day, three friends from church - two Human Development and Family Studies (HDFS) graduates like me, and one licensed middle school teacher, sat me down and told me that they had been noticing social quirks and how I still talked about HDFS intensely even though I had graduated a year ago. They suspected that I had Aspergers syndrome, even though I studied parent-child attachment and had accurately observed interactions. Yet, I wondered if they were right because though I could observe interactions, I had trouble in actual social situations with a lot of people or if I was already stressed out. Throughout my life, I had always had special-interests. Even in my classes, when we'd talk about autism spectrum disorders (ASD), I could relate in part when I reflected back on my childhood. However, I thought it was because I had learned how to interact late in life due to being adopted at age two after being in an orphanage and after chronic malnourishment and infections. I thought somehow the environmental factors in my early development were the causes of my childhood issues.
The day before I went into the evaluator's office, I went into the Animal Sciences building. This was the building where Dr. Temple Grandin worked. I stood in the lobby and thought. Sometimes I would go in there to write my thoughts about whether I had an ASD or not. Other times, I would sit on the stone benches in the courtyard because I didn't want to spend too much time in the building in case I did actually run into Dr. Grandin. I wouldn't have known what to say or how to explain why I was there.
I found her work about a week after the "I think you might have Aspergers Syndrome" conversation. The first thing that popped into my head was, "SHE WRITES IN APA STYLE!!!!! HOW COOL IS THAT!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Right then, we had a nerdy connection because I wrote my thesis and all my papers in APA. It's required for my field. Anyway, that was comforting, yes, in a nerdy sort of way!!! That started my fixation. I knew after the second day of looking up more of her articles and then sitting outside the Animal Science building writing about her work that this would be a fixation. "Yeah, Katie, face it. You probably do have Aspergers. Wait - she had full-blown (classic) autism! She can do it!!! So can you even if you have this thing!!!" That thought, second to Christ, was my anchor. Her life was my anchor. There, I said it! Even though I'd sit there and cry worried about my future or if I was re-experiencing the pain in my past just thinking about it, knowing she got through life somehow helped me. God used her life to remind me that everyone - no matter their talents and abilities - has a purpose in His plan.
Thinking about my past and going back through my past hurt a lot. Like I said, I was adopted, but my arrival with my medical problems and need for intensive intervention plus a very dismal prognosis (severe brain damage) at my initial evaluation really traumatized my mom. That and other things influenced how I grew up. I had pain in my childhood from that, and I felt I could never reach normal because of my fixations and social awkwardness. I wanted those to go away so Mom could finally have a perfect child, but I didn't know how to make them go away, or how to stop my brain from going into fixations. I would get yelled at eventually when my mother would get sick of me beating a subject to death, and that stopped a fixation only until another took its place. Until then, I didn't want to be me. Once in 11th grade, I wondered what it would be like to suddenly step foot into my life right then: retain all the academic learning and basic biographical information of myself but loose all the emotional pain of myself? What if somehow I could push the reset button in my life-history? I wanted to.
All this crossed my mind when I walked into the CSU evaluator's office. Luckily one of my friends from the trio that talked to me on Memorial Day came with me. I was nervous. Super-nervous. I was about ready to have my brain spilled out on the table (figuratively) for someone else to sort through to see what was wrong with it. Being an HDFS graduate, I knew what she could find. That made it worse. And knowing I had to talk about my past made me hurt even before I said anything.
I made it through the diagnostic interview. I also made it through half a box of kleenex and probably put indentations in the carpet from my evaluator's rocking chair. Yes, I knew it was a stim, but I couldn't help it. YOU'RE PULLING APART MY BRAIN, what do you expect!?!!?!?!?! One highlight of the meeting was that when I told her that I was pretty sure I was fixated on Temple Grandin, she told me that she had met her. I was like, "COOL!!! TELL TELL!" And my evaluator gave me the cliff-notes version of how Dr. Grandin talked to some of the staff just about autism and stuff by giving one of her standard lectures. That kinda made me smile. The suggestion that I should meet Dr. Grandin made me eek (haha, more on THAT later ;) ;) )
I was calmer later when I had to do the actual ADOS. It wasn't as bad as I thought. The evaluator seemed to think the same thing. Then came the two weeks of waiting for the results. That was not so fun. WHAT!?!?! I seriously spilled my BRAIN and now I have to wait two weeks for you to sort through it!?!?! Welcome to the world of psychological evaluation, especially for complicated clients like myself.
So, two weeks came and went. THEN came the results
Congratulations, you have PPD-NOS - Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not otherwise specified. You have a speech delay which puts you out of the Asperger's camp, but you're not as impaired in some areas as people with classic autism. However, you almost almost almost almost came close to getting a classic autism diagnosis (high functioning). This means you and Dr. Grandin almost almost almost were DIAGNOSIS TWINS!!! (except for being like a billion years apart in age, obviously)
What!?!?!?
Weird??
Ok!
Cool!
Wait.... what?
Oh ok.... Whelp, that explains a lot!
Ok!
Cool!
Wait.... what?
Oh ok.... Whelp, that explains a lot!
Where did I go from there? Well, the day AFTER I got my diagnosis results, I went into the Animal Science building again. I was sort of re-creating the 'going through doors as symbols of transitions' thing that Dr. Grandin wrote about. Walking up the steps felt different. I was effectively saying, "Well, I admit it. It's official. I'm like you, Dr. Grandin. I'm on the autism spectrum. Here I am. I've seen your life unfold through your writings and lectures. Now I am trusting God with my life. I know He has a plan for it, because He had a plan for yours." It felt weird. Somewhat foreboding making that physical manifestation of accepting my diagnosis. The door had closed on me ever being 'normal.'
But that was liberating too!! An odd side-effect of this whole diagnosis process was that I didn't stress about getting married. That whole stress of getting married was because I wondered: "When would I be like most girls my age? When will I become a mature Christian woman?" I thought marriage was a developmental milestone to mark those two things. But now, knowing I wasn't normal, I didn't have to strive for developmental milestones. God might have another plan. Dr. Grandin admitted she didn't want to get married because it was emotionally complicated and she knows she can't do emotionally complicated stuff. So she just does AMAZING research instead!!!! Suddenly I realized, "That's not such a bad idea for my life!!!!!!!!!!!" Pressure to get married started to come off from me and that was pretty great :D :D :D It's helped me focus on what God wants me to do NOW to reach people, to grow, to serve in the church, and to reach the next generation (via Sunday school teaching for me). I don't have to wait for a magical diamond ring to do it. I just do it in the unique way God wants me to!
Since I wasn't stressing so much about marriage, I could finally FINALLY seriously bounce around the PhD or not to PhD question. And no, not just because Temple Grandin eventually got a PhD. My HDFS friends had been asking if I would continue doing research even before I graduated. I admit, the whole, "What if I get married, would a PhD be worth it?" was a larger factor than I had thought. So, yeah!!!! I'm thinking about eventually PhD-ing it!!! Just have to get some street cred (work experience) first!!!!! And pay off student loans. And then convince my mom that it's still a good idea for me to go back to school, if that's what I'm supposed to do.
I work in a group-home now, and I think I'm more patient with my clients because I know that they'll never be normal. I keep their behavior goals in mind, but I don't hold them to 'normal people' standards of behavior. They won't ever be normal, so why push it with them? I just help them grow in their areas of behavior that they need growing in, otherwise, we just chill. Sometimes I joke with them like, "Yeah, I'm not normal too, so I know." Learning about my own sensory issues has really helped me support one of my clients who also has sensory issues.
Over these past six months, I've had to look at my past again. During the diagnostic interview, I realized just how much pain my past had caused me. It was tempting just to focus on learning about Temple Grandin's life, but I would make myself stop and line her life up against mine. When something bothered me such as: Why did she get a full-time decently-understanding nanny and I got a traumatized parent?? God would help me think about my past differently. No, I didn't get a full-time nanny, but I had amazing teachers that spent about the same amount of hours with me as Temple's nanny did with her. Realizing this, and realizing that God did get me through the pain helped heal me. Her life was a starting point that God used to really heal me from the pain in my past. This healing isn't done, but when I look at where I was six months ago, it's amazing! I think learning to accept myself the way God made me, and learning to accept my developmental history was huge. Knowing that He did allow for me to have a lot of teachers and outside influences that were very highly adaptive shows His hand in my development. That has been such a great comfort!!
And last but not least, if I hadn't gone to get evaluated for an autism spectrum disorder, I probably would've never attended a lecture by Temple Grandin on September 20 at the CSU University Center for the Arts with a friend of mine who was an equine science major :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) That's right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We went together because I was still embarrassed that I had a fixation on Dr. Grandin the way NT people get 'typically' obsessed with celeberties. So, I didn't want to go alone. Each to his own, right ;) The lecture was pretty awesome!! I did a mixture of eeking and crying in a good way when she walked on stage. Everyone was cheering loudly anyway, so it wasn't like that was noticeable, but yeah.
I knew most of the content from reading her articles & some of her books. But it was nice to see everything woven together in about a 50 minute lecture. The professor side of her totally came out when she started the Q & A by saying, "Now it's your turn to ask questions, and if no one comes up, I'll start calling on people." I laughed SO HARD!!!!!!!!!! Then I got to ask her a question!!!!!!!!!!!! I was SO SCARED but EXCITED too :D My dear friend came with me down to the mic and that one malfunctioned two people ahead of me. I thought, "SUPER-DANG!!!" but the tech people were like, "Use the one in front." since we were in the middle of the auditorium. I was thinking What!?!?!?! You mean the one right in front of her lecturn!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That's right. That one. I looked at my friend like, "You are SO COMING WITH ME, RIGHT!?!?!?!" My friend totally had my back. Totally!!!! She came with me to the front and gave me a comforting smile before adjusting the microphone down to my little height.
I had to concentrate SO HARD just to make eye-contact and not just read off the paper that I had written my question down which was: "considering the cognitive differences and sensory issues people on the autism spectrum face, how would you help a child on the autism spectrum deal with something traumatic?" I looked up and my brain was like, "AAAAAAAH! I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING AT HER!!!" But I kept my cool :D Her response was, "Well, I broke myself once." Ok, she didn't actually say that, but she told me about a time when she broke a bone but was fine. Then I said, "What about if it's psychological trauma like PTSD?" And she said to remember that it affects each person individually, like several soldiers can see the same things and some could be fine and some wouldn't. I thanked her and went back to my seat with my friend. YE-AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also gave my friend a GIAN HUG after the lecture as a thanks for moral support during the Q & A & just being willing to be very nerdy with me! She told me that the lecture helped her work better with her horse, so both of us benefited :) Let's just say that after the lecture, I was giggly for a week!! No joke!
Other than just eeking about meeting Dr. Grandin, I've began to pray that she knows God better if she doesn't already. Over these past six months, I see how God has helped me walk through life now knowing that I'm on the autism spectrum. He's shown me that He has been there in my past and has a plan for my future. This gives me hope that goes deeper than if I was just learning about the latest interventions. I can connect with God in my unique way because He allowed my brain to be the way it is. This is a big comfort, and I pray that she finds this comfort for her life as well.
But that was liberating too!! An odd side-effect of this whole diagnosis process was that I didn't stress about getting married. That whole stress of getting married was because I wondered: "When would I be like most girls my age? When will I become a mature Christian woman?" I thought marriage was a developmental milestone to mark those two things. But now, knowing I wasn't normal, I didn't have to strive for developmental milestones. God might have another plan. Dr. Grandin admitted she didn't want to get married because it was emotionally complicated and she knows she can't do emotionally complicated stuff. So she just does AMAZING research instead!!!! Suddenly I realized, "That's not such a bad idea for my life!!!!!!!!!!!" Pressure to get married started to come off from me and that was pretty great :D :D :D It's helped me focus on what God wants me to do NOW to reach people, to grow, to serve in the church, and to reach the next generation (via Sunday school teaching for me). I don't have to wait for a magical diamond ring to do it. I just do it in the unique way God wants me to!
Since I wasn't stressing so much about marriage, I could finally FINALLY seriously bounce around the PhD or not to PhD question. And no, not just because Temple Grandin eventually got a PhD. My HDFS friends had been asking if I would continue doing research even before I graduated. I admit, the whole, "What if I get married, would a PhD be worth it?" was a larger factor than I had thought. So, yeah!!!! I'm thinking about eventually PhD-ing it!!! Just have to get some street cred (work experience) first!!!!! And pay off student loans. And then convince my mom that it's still a good idea for me to go back to school, if that's what I'm supposed to do.
I work in a group-home now, and I think I'm more patient with my clients because I know that they'll never be normal. I keep their behavior goals in mind, but I don't hold them to 'normal people' standards of behavior. They won't ever be normal, so why push it with them? I just help them grow in their areas of behavior that they need growing in, otherwise, we just chill. Sometimes I joke with them like, "Yeah, I'm not normal too, so I know." Learning about my own sensory issues has really helped me support one of my clients who also has sensory issues.
Over these past six months, I've had to look at my past again. During the diagnostic interview, I realized just how much pain my past had caused me. It was tempting just to focus on learning about Temple Grandin's life, but I would make myself stop and line her life up against mine. When something bothered me such as: Why did she get a full-time decently-understanding nanny and I got a traumatized parent?? God would help me think about my past differently. No, I didn't get a full-time nanny, but I had amazing teachers that spent about the same amount of hours with me as Temple's nanny did with her. Realizing this, and realizing that God did get me through the pain helped heal me. Her life was a starting point that God used to really heal me from the pain in my past. This healing isn't done, but when I look at where I was six months ago, it's amazing! I think learning to accept myself the way God made me, and learning to accept my developmental history was huge. Knowing that He did allow for me to have a lot of teachers and outside influences that were very highly adaptive shows His hand in my development. That has been such a great comfort!!
And last but not least, if I hadn't gone to get evaluated for an autism spectrum disorder, I probably would've never attended a lecture by Temple Grandin on September 20 at the CSU University Center for the Arts with a friend of mine who was an equine science major :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) That's right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We went together because I was still embarrassed that I had a fixation on Dr. Grandin the way NT people get 'typically' obsessed with celeberties. So, I didn't want to go alone. Each to his own, right ;) The lecture was pretty awesome!! I did a mixture of eeking and crying in a good way when she walked on stage. Everyone was cheering loudly anyway, so it wasn't like that was noticeable, but yeah.
I knew most of the content from reading her articles & some of her books. But it was nice to see everything woven together in about a 50 minute lecture. The professor side of her totally came out when she started the Q & A by saying, "Now it's your turn to ask questions, and if no one comes up, I'll start calling on people." I laughed SO HARD!!!!!!!!!! Then I got to ask her a question!!!!!!!!!!!! I was SO SCARED but EXCITED too :D My dear friend came with me down to the mic and that one malfunctioned two people ahead of me. I thought, "SUPER-DANG!!!" but the tech people were like, "Use the one in front." since we were in the middle of the auditorium. I was thinking What!?!?!?! You mean the one right in front of her lecturn!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That's right. That one. I looked at my friend like, "You are SO COMING WITH ME, RIGHT!?!?!?!" My friend totally had my back. Totally!!!! She came with me to the front and gave me a comforting smile before adjusting the microphone down to my little height.
I had to concentrate SO HARD just to make eye-contact and not just read off the paper that I had written my question down which was: "considering the cognitive differences and sensory issues people on the autism spectrum face, how would you help a child on the autism spectrum deal with something traumatic?" I looked up and my brain was like, "AAAAAAAH! I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING AT HER!!!" But I kept my cool :D Her response was, "Well, I broke myself once." Ok, she didn't actually say that, but she told me about a time when she broke a bone but was fine. Then I said, "What about if it's psychological trauma like PTSD?" And she said to remember that it affects each person individually, like several soldiers can see the same things and some could be fine and some wouldn't. I thanked her and went back to my seat with my friend. YE-AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also gave my friend a GIAN HUG after the lecture as a thanks for moral support during the Q & A & just being willing to be very nerdy with me! She told me that the lecture helped her work better with her horse, so both of us benefited :) Let's just say that after the lecture, I was giggly for a week!! No joke!
Other than just eeking about meeting Dr. Grandin, I've began to pray that she knows God better if she doesn't already. Over these past six months, I see how God has helped me walk through life now knowing that I'm on the autism spectrum. He's shown me that He has been there in my past and has a plan for my future. This gives me hope that goes deeper than if I was just learning about the latest interventions. I can connect with God in my unique way because He allowed my brain to be the way it is. This is a big comfort, and I pray that she finds this comfort for her life as well.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Hebrews Past and Present (and future)
We're done with yet another Advent season of Hebrews! :) I really like going through it. Last year, I had to cling to the promises of Jesus being ultimate and my example in perseverance a lot because I was going through a pretty rough patch with finding work and my mom freaking out about me not having a steady job. I was also still dealing with my past because the current dynamics of my family were bringing it up.
This year, I was surprised to find that the only real terrible distraction from the true meaning of Christmas was all the preparations: getting stuff for the casserole, picking my aunt up so she could help make the casserole, being ready to go over to my cousin's house, etc. It wasn't a terrible distraction relatively speaking :D Though, I was thinking about it when I was up in the middle of the night & that's why it took me longer to get back to sleep. I think Mom's fretting about all that - starting on Christmas Eve was a factor. When she was worried about it Christmas day, I kindly told her that I knew the plans, and she probably shouldn't freak out so much that she misses Christmas altogether. I had to remind myself of that. Was my righteousness in how well I helped my aunt make the casserole or in Christ? Was our holiday success wrapped up in getting out of the grocery store on time and to my cousin's house on time or was its success in gaining a deeper understanding and appreciation for why Christ came to earth as a baby?
No matter if I deal with a really intense family crisis like I had with a relative dying around Christmas 2007, or whether it's just the mundane things, I always have to remember who is supreme and handle the rest of Christmas through that lens. This way, no matter what happens, I can always find hope and joy.
This year, I was surprised to find that the only real terrible distraction from the true meaning of Christmas was all the preparations: getting stuff for the casserole, picking my aunt up so she could help make the casserole, being ready to go over to my cousin's house, etc. It wasn't a terrible distraction relatively speaking :D Though, I was thinking about it when I was up in the middle of the night & that's why it took me longer to get back to sleep. I think Mom's fretting about all that - starting on Christmas Eve was a factor. When she was worried about it Christmas day, I kindly told her that I knew the plans, and she probably shouldn't freak out so much that she misses Christmas altogether. I had to remind myself of that. Was my righteousness in how well I helped my aunt make the casserole or in Christ? Was our holiday success wrapped up in getting out of the grocery store on time and to my cousin's house on time or was its success in gaining a deeper understanding and appreciation for why Christ came to earth as a baby?
No matter if I deal with a really intense family crisis like I had with a relative dying around Christmas 2007, or whether it's just the mundane things, I always have to remember who is supreme and handle the rest of Christmas through that lens. This way, no matter what happens, I can always find hope and joy.
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