So,. last night was weird. I was way happy at The Rock becaus a) the music was cool and b) the message was cool. However, my happy bubble with the message bursted when our guest speaker started talking about how somking had its perks but caused cancer. He was making an analogy that sin was like that: had perks but was bad for your soul, so don't do it type thing, but my uncle got diagnosed with his final bout of cancer a year ago last week :( so that wasn't cool.
I was able to focus on the message, but I started to be sensitive to more things that brought me down. Such as when the pastor talked about how people in heaven could possibly see us and those we know up there would be rooting for us, I thought, "I seriously don't know anyoner personally that's gone up to heaven." Maybe my uncle did. maybe but I'm not sure. I also realized that some people in heaven have probably seen me spill my guts about this sin problem involving me and this other person. Knowing that Chrisitians that knew that other person knew all the crap going on between me and that other person made me cringe. I had this idea that "What happens on earth... stays on earth." mentality about Heaven. Like we'd sorta remember stuff pertaining to God and our salvation and stuff but yeah. Maybe we'll see it as not being a problem or it won't bother us anymore or something but it was weird to think about.
So I guess I was starting to slide down into depression, but like all the times this happens, I don't realize this until I hit rock bottom. Other little things happened to contribute to the familiar downward spiral. There were some biochemical / endocrine factors at work, bust most of it was enviornmental factors such as: I just didn't want to hang out with the summer D - Team and when I got home the neighbors wanted to do stuff and they invited me but they were biking over and I needed a ride so I couldn't do anything with them. I was feeling useless, worthless, and just didn't feel like I was much of anything. I've messed up too much here on earth and people I didn't even know and couldn't see knew about it, memories of my uncle and how he got sick were bothering me again, I felt useless since I didn't have the connection to the D - Team that everyone else did since I was new, and I felt worthless because I couldn't do anything with anyone because transportation hindered it. I just heard this great talk about heaven and how it was like this world minus the sin and it would be perfect. So we brought our memories about earth with us. But maybe in the presence of God even the bad ones wouldn't get us down. I was thinking about the usual routes I thought of to get myself there wether God was calling me or not. I was Chrisitan so if I showed up on God's doorstep a litle unexpectedly, He would still welcome me in. I sat down at my computer to think or maybe start a note, but I thought, "Wait - what would I say in my note...."
When God intervenes
Suddenly I had this strong impulse to leave the apartment, almost like an invisible something inside my head was commanding me to leave. I immediately recognized it as God telling me to get out of the apartment partially so I wouldn't have access to the stuff I would require to make my escape from this world. God also gave the the idea that I would walk down Laurel to Lemay and eventually to Poudre Valley Hospital (PVH). That made sense in light of the fact that it was a safe place to go and if someone thought I needed to stay there longer, that option would be there. However, I left the apartment so fast I only had my coat and keys. No wallet, no insurance card. I figured that if God really wanted me at PVH, He would provide a way for me to get care. As I walked down Laurel, I started to bring what was going on to God. I started to feel a little better. Suddenly it dawned on me that Scott had told me that Colin and some other guys were living on Laurel. That was also a viable solution. I could go to Colin and co.'s house and talk to Colin. He was a fellow pre - med and I could tell him what had happened with my state of mind. Then he could probably help me figure out if I still needed to go to PVH or not.
Soon after I crossed College Ave, I met a lady who was also out walking. She asked me what I was doing out so late, and I told her that I was going to a friend's house. She asked me if I knew where it was and I gave her the number. We looked for it, but couldn't find the house. She asked me how far I was away from my house and I told her that I wasn't very far. She told me that I should probably be getting home.
I realized that God had sent her as kind of my 'turn around' marker. I had walked around during the time I was most vulnerable and the walking and thinking about how I was going to get out of the situation kept me from ruminating on all the bad stuff that happened in the evening. In a way, God was keeping me safe in his own way.
I went home and my friend was caling me just as I walked in the door. She asked me if I wanted to go shopping tomorrow (which by the way is now today :) I told her I would. As I hung up, I realized that I had a goal and a motivation for getting up the next morning.
As I went to bed, I realized that God had an intervention plan all this time for me. I was so glad I heeded his urging for me to leave before I did something rash. God is soveriegn and God is stable even when my own nervous system isn't.
"Be at rest, Oh my soul. For the Lord has been good. Be at rest. Once more." - from the song we sang at The Rock.
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