So, if you all don't know, I have this other bloggy blog blog titled:Premed Clinicals which documents interesting insights I gain from working 40 hours / week at my local hospital. I've posted a TON on that... ok, not a TON, but I visit that along with my new fave website:Mescape. SO, what I realized is that if my online time is representative of what consumes me, I spend a lot of time being pre-med, thinking about pre-med stuff, and basically worrying about all things pre-med like applications and such.
I'm also going through the book of Luke (as I have been going through all the Gospels ever since.... September?) Anyway, I do spend a decent amount of time praying and thinking about God, but what really truly consumes me? Tonight I brought a very large non-premed (gasp) burden to God and I've felt quite at peace about that because I know that it is in His hands and I think I know how He might use it for His kingdom.
ANYWAY, tonight, hate to say, is a rather rare exception. Everyone at work knows me as the pre-med girl. Everyone in the hospital is starting to know this as well. I went through a phase where I was quite close to flaunting it when God humbled me... Secondly, people at the hospital know me as this innocent sheltered 'do no bad' girl. My church here in Denver talks a lot about living as aliens and strangers in this world of non-Christiandom. But my identity as a 'religious' goody-goody girl is only secondary to my identity as pre-med.
It is easier to present to everyone my pre-med side, it's harder to present the Christian side. What consumes me comes out. "From the abundance of our hearts we run our mouths." - John Reuben and Lk 6:45. God needs to consume me. In order for Him to consume me, I must love and serve Him and not the god of medicine.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Equilibrium of the Heart
I took a patient who was on the Labor and Delivery floor down to an exam twice. Both times she was nauseated, and when I took her the second time, she could barely stand, and felt even worse. She and her husband looked visibly scared. The second time down, I asked her husband how he was doing, and he told me how scared he was. I told him that I understood having a family member in the hospital with complications. As I took my patient to the exam the second time, my hands were gripping the handles of the chair so tightly, I figured my knuckles were white (that is, if I could see through my gloves). My muscles in my forearms were contracted so tight that they hurt. I was scared for them. I was upset that her labor was being complicated by something the doctor sent her down for yet another exam to try and find out what it was. Both times to and from the exams, I helped her in and out of the wheelchair. Both times I was with her when she got sick on us. Both times, I got out damp paper towels for her face.
My last transport of the day was some medicine she had to take before yet another different exam. I inwardly cringed when my dispatcher told me to do that transport because I knew from my 5 months working at the hospital what the medicine was for, and because of that, I assumed it was for my patient. Tears came to my eyes. How could she drink this medicine when she couldn't hold anything down? How could she go to yet another exam when she thought she was done when I brought her back to her room for the second time? Would the doctor finally figure out what was wrong? Just don't cry, ok? a part of my mind said. God's still in control. You just need to give this patient to Him. I was able to explain to my newest co-worker what the medicine we were getting was since he came along with me. Giving a mini lecture helped me not to cry. Yet even as I write this now, I wonder if my patient was able to take the medicine, if she went down to that final test, and how far along she was in labor. I knew that if things got any worse, she would just have a C-Section and then surgery to find and fix the other problem. But it's not what she or her husband expected, and she was in so much pain.
I told my mom who has her BSN about the case. She told me basically that the equilibrium of a healthcare worker's/ nurse's / doctor's heart is this: You feel for the patient, but you still focus to do your job. You empathize with the patient, but you must still be able to leave him or her and care for others. Yet it is still ok to cry at the end of the day. My third week at the hospital, I saw a doctor sobbing on another's shoulder. She had come out of a patient care conference, so she had done what she needed to do. But she also had to let her heart go toward that patient. She could be a good doctor and yet still cry. And I am learning that too: You can do a good job of whatever God wants you to do in medicine, and He is there for you when you pray for your patient and yes, He is there for you to just cry.
My last transport of the day was some medicine she had to take before yet another different exam. I inwardly cringed when my dispatcher told me to do that transport because I knew from my 5 months working at the hospital what the medicine was for, and because of that, I assumed it was for my patient. Tears came to my eyes. How could she drink this medicine when she couldn't hold anything down? How could she go to yet another exam when she thought she was done when I brought her back to her room for the second time? Would the doctor finally figure out what was wrong? Just don't cry, ok? a part of my mind said. God's still in control. You just need to give this patient to Him. I was able to explain to my newest co-worker what the medicine we were getting was since he came along with me. Giving a mini lecture helped me not to cry. Yet even as I write this now, I wonder if my patient was able to take the medicine, if she went down to that final test, and how far along she was in labor. I knew that if things got any worse, she would just have a C-Section and then surgery to find and fix the other problem. But it's not what she or her husband expected, and she was in so much pain.
I told my mom who has her BSN about the case. She told me basically that the equilibrium of a healthcare worker's/ nurse's / doctor's heart is this: You feel for the patient, but you still focus to do your job. You empathize with the patient, but you must still be able to leave him or her and care for others. Yet it is still ok to cry at the end of the day. My third week at the hospital, I saw a doctor sobbing on another's shoulder. She had come out of a patient care conference, so she had done what she needed to do. But she also had to let her heart go toward that patient. She could be a good doctor and yet still cry. And I am learning that too: You can do a good job of whatever God wants you to do in medicine, and He is there for you when you pray for your patient and yes, He is there for you to just cry.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
New Years Resolution
October 2007 marks my fifth year being Christian. That's a while from now, but what have I learned so far in my Christian life?
1. God really did create the world.
2. God has a plan for my scholastic and other achievements.
3. God works wonders in people's lives (from watching my friends come to, grow in, and come back to Christ)
4. God's like eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
5. It's amazing what God can say thorugh me if I memorize His word.
6. God forgives mistakes.
7. And He helps me to slowly make less and less mistakes.
8. And that takes obedience on my part.
9. But that's much easier if I love God.
Those are somewhat of the general things. The specific list would take way too long. But my New Year Resolution is simple: Love God more.
That's it. Loving God keeps me from temtation, in His Word, focused on His kingdom, etc. etc. etc.
This year off from school I asked God to train me for what He has prepared for me. Taking this job as a transportation technician at a hospital makes me curious as to wether He is preparing me to be a physician. Therefore, I have asked for His help as the Great Physician training His possible apprentice. However, I have failed to ask Him to help me love Him better. I can ask Him for the pragmatic things: career path, character growth, more understanding of doctrine and His word, but my heart shows me that I need to ask Him for Himself.
I taste and see that You are good
I hide myself within Your love
In Your presence, I lack nothing
You're all I want and You are here with me
- Taste and See worship song adapted from Psalm 34
1. God really did create the world.
2. God has a plan for my scholastic and other achievements.
3. God works wonders in people's lives (from watching my friends come to, grow in, and come back to Christ)
4. God's like eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
5. It's amazing what God can say thorugh me if I memorize His word.
6. God forgives mistakes.
7. And He helps me to slowly make less and less mistakes.
8. And that takes obedience on my part.
9. But that's much easier if I love God.
Those are somewhat of the general things. The specific list would take way too long. But my New Year Resolution is simple: Love God more.
That's it. Loving God keeps me from temtation, in His Word, focused on His kingdom, etc. etc. etc.
This year off from school I asked God to train me for what He has prepared for me. Taking this job as a transportation technician at a hospital makes me curious as to wether He is preparing me to be a physician. Therefore, I have asked for His help as the Great Physician training His possible apprentice. However, I have failed to ask Him to help me love Him better. I can ask Him for the pragmatic things: career path, character growth, more understanding of doctrine and His word, but my heart shows me that I need to ask Him for Himself.
I taste and see that You are good
I hide myself within Your love
In Your presence, I lack nothing
You're all I want and You are here with me
- Taste and See worship song adapted from Psalm 34
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