Random title from the randomness of my mind
Perseveration: Uncontrollable repetition of a particular response, such as a word, phrase, or gesture, despite the absence or cessation of a stimulus, usually caused by brain injury or other organic disorder.(cited within an ASD forum 2010)
Yup. I'm currently doing that. As you can probably tell from looking at my posts, I cycle through topics. They do link rather well to circumstances I'm facing at the time, so this whole blog is an interesting look at the history of my life. I guess that's what personal blogs are for. Anyway, my latest fixation or object of my perservating is Temple Grandin. I watched the movie trailer of the HBO movie that bears her name several times tonight. I've also watched some of her speeches and interviews over the last few weeks for educational purposes. I've thumbed through the Animals Make us Human book and read her book Emergence: Labeled Autistic. There's something about someone else walking down the path of a certain disability that gives me hope. Looking back, I was fixated on Helen Keller for the longest time. Other fixations would override that, but I would always gravitate to the movie The Miracle Worker and had parts of it burnt into my brain.
With this fixation, I'm letting God into the crazy world of Katie's brain. I haven't done that before. Some of my fixations have resulted from my need to escape the reality I was living in. The Helen Keller fixation partially arose because I would dream about running away to my favorite teacher (of that year)'s house or at least getting more one on one time with her if I couldn't handle being at home. God has revealed to me that this latest fixation results from these things: I wanted her mother who still spoke of her lovingly in spite of her behaviors & autism. I sympathized with Temple with living in the dark-ages of development (For me, they hadn't figured out some of the sensory deprivation issues kids face coming out of orphanages. For her, it was the unknown of what caused and how to treat autism.), and I long for a future where God will use my weaknesses and shine through them. I know it's promised in the Bible, but I need a tangible example: someone I can see and read about that has gone before me. The downsides of this fixation is that I can compare my life too much to Temple's life. I can think of her as the ultimate authority on autism and what to do with related issues rather than seek God.
Tonight I read the story of Joseph's journey to Egypt that ultimately preserved the nation of Israel during the famine. I was reminded that God's people look at examples of the faith. In the psalms, God is often the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob or any variant of that title. The history of Israel is repeated over and over in the Bible. When the Israelites put their hope in history alone, battles were lost, eventually they took God for granted and got punished for not following Him. However, when David was in a bind, he repeated Israel's history over and over in his head and in the psalms to remind himself of who was behind it. That's what I must do when Temple's story gets repeated over and over in my head. I must not cling to her or to her story too tightly. If my life doesn't follow her script, it will let me down. But if I cling to God who has given her and I life and use this opportunity to pray for her to come to know Christ as her His salvation and His hope, He will not disappoint. He will walk me down the path of my own story, He will show Himself as Savior to her, and both of our lives will be a reflection of His power.
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