Note: I usually don't post my raw thoughts, but I just had to let this one go because honestly, there is no cleaning up certain situations. Pain hurts and pain sucks, but even when I am pissed beyond acceptable language, I can still honestly see God, and that's why I'm sharing these thoughts with the blogsphere.
I AM SUPER F-ING PISSED RIGHT NOW! Like SERIOUSLY???? Ok, my aunt who has down syndrome and who has been at times like a big sister, at times like a younger close cousin to me, at times like my favorite client, just went to the doctor and was told she had a 6 inch mass in her abdomen.
LIKE SERIOUSLY??? Who the hell thought, "Oh, let's give a lady with down syndrome a tumor RIGHT when she's about to move in with one of her best friends into a new apartment and when she's trying to help her mom who has osteoarthritis??" And also, WHAT THE F!! My family lost an uncle to cancer. and whoever it is, if you remember THAT WAS HER F-ING BROTHER WHO DIED FROM CANCER and SHE BETTER NOT BE NEXT!!!!! F THIS CANCER AND F THIS SICKNESS AND F ALL THIS PAIN AND SOMEONE'S GONNA BURN IN HELL FOR A LONG F ING TIME FOR ALL THIS!!
Like, my anger is truly real, and I was totally cussing out - well someone - in my head. Like, I don't cuss much (even though some of my paralegal friends drop s and f bombs on a regular basis) but anger was my first reaction.
Unfortunately, I first started cussing out God like, "Ok, I know You have a plan for this buddy, but WHAT THE F!?!?!" Honestly, this can be a valid mistake for people. Because when I found out that my uncle was sick in 2005, my grandpa had a stroke in 2006, and tonight that my aunt has a tumor, I wanted to find some supernatural power and kick it in the nuts and make it hurt for somehow being sovereign over all this earth and letting these things happen. Because IT HURTS. It's just a natural reaction to want to make someone pay for suffering. Even that thought: that people understand there's a true good and a true bad means that SOMEONE created these standards, therefore, there is SOMETHING out there. Of course, the God of the Bible has proved Himself through Creation and through the Word and through Christ. He's proven that yes. There is a good. God is good. He is good. And Satan rebelled bringing evil into the world. That is why there is suffering. Satan is the ultimate cause of all this pain: Everything from Cain killing Abel, Eve getting deceived, Adam not manning up and standing up for her, and all the divorce and child abuse and war and genocide and starvation and class warfare and selfishness and persecution of God's people and sickness and disabilities and cancer and - ALL THIS F ING PAIN IS CAUSED BY SATAN! Nope not God. If we don't understand the Christian worldview and we believe God is a mix of good and bad instead of the perfect just and loving God that redeems His people from a fallen world, we WILL shake our fist at Him for suffering, because we just want a supernatural being to PAY for ALL THE SUFFERING EVER, especially when it touches us personally.
Did I cuss Satan out in my head? Oh, yes I did. Yeah, I sure did. And I was thinking, "AND I AM SO F -ING GLAD, SATAN YOU ARE TRULY HONESTLY GONNA BURN AND ROT IN HELL FOR A LONG LONG LONG LONG TIME AND YOU WILL GET YOU ASS HANDED TO YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY BECAUSE YOU CAUSED SO MUCH PAIN AND SO MANY TEARS AND SO MUCH - AAAGH! YOU WILL F - ING BURN!!!!"
Then I realized, "God, I truly do thank You that we don't have to go around like, 'pain is really nothing la la la,' and brush it under the rug and put on so-called rose colored glasses, but we can fess up like, 'GOD THIS F ING SUCKS AND THIS IS ALL F ING SATAN'S FAULT!' because God is sick of this sht too. That's why He's going to judge the world.
Then I was humbled thinking, "Oh crap. Obviously I've sinned too. Yeah, I deserve to burn, and apart from Christ, I'm just as screwed as the rest of the world." Then I was like, "Grace is seriously epic." Like that sentence doesn't even capture the epicness of God because God rescueing even 1 person from this crappy pisshole of a world that is just as defiled and covered in filth is mind blowing and He is rescuing THOUSANDS of people EVERY DAY and He is not going to stop until He gets people from EVERY SINGLE NATION IN THIS PAIN-FILLED WORLD. THAT is the reason no human being can EVER fathom that, and that is what the Apostle Paul writes over and over in his letters.
If there was not a good sovereign God who has through Christ defeated Satan and defeated sin and death and sickness (including cancer and tumors), there would seriously be no hope at all. This is the light in this onslaught of pain and anger and crap, and this is the light and hope I hold onto so I can trust God and be real with Him and connect with Him through all this.
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