That could've been me

Nothing like the past coming up in the oddest of ways.

My law firm handles estate planning (writing wills and trusts) as well as probate and trust administration (handling legal and financial issues of individuals who have passed away). My job touches both areas of law as well.

Today I had to send some documents along with a death certificate to a county clerk and recorder office. As I read over the death certificate to make sure everything matched with the other documents, I saw that the individual died from a gunshot wound. At home.

The individual may have inflicted the deadly wound upon himself. Of course, I don't know the situation for sure. He could've been doing some maintenance on a hunting rifle and something happened. But I got chills thinking about it for too long.

Because I could've ended it all even before I began this blog. Even before I graduated from college.

He left behind a family. A house. Sure, the family will be financially stable still with the house and his earnings, but he will never make a trip to Home Depot to get new curtain rods or an odd or end to fix something there. He will never see his kids graduate from high school. He will never tell his wife he loves her before they go to work. If he was out of a job, he would never get a call from possibly a position perfectly suited for his qualifications.

I felt sad that he might have given up. Because I know how that feels. Hence I was compelled to write the previous post for anyone that feels like giving up.

Because I wish I could've told that person named on the certificate that the feeling of wanting to give up on life is real and scary, and searching for hope in the midst of that is worth it. Because you realize what you would have left behind. And you know that there's a reason to live.

An open letter to hold to hope - no matter how small

  

To you who can't see the light in your dark: 

Don't leave. Please. Don't leave. 

For your family: who would always ask why. Because they will miss you. You're not a burden. Even if they're supporting you due to a lost job. Even if they left you due to a divorce. Someone still loves you - an aunt, a cousin, a niece or nephew. Even if they left this earth. Others will fill the pain you feel of missing them. 

For your friends: Even if you think they're too busy to talk to you - they are still thinking about you, praying about you, wishing you well. They want you to call and ask for help. They will do what they can - even if they're busy with life. 

For your future: You don't know what the next second will bring. Maybe your roommate will knock on the door to hang out. Maybe your children will knock on the basement door to play with you. The next morning might bring a beautiful sunrise. The next day might bring a job offer. 

For your Creator: He made your heart - an intricate pump that hasn't stopped beating from the time it was formed in utero. Who gives you grace to live each day with whatever disability you face. Who has felt physical pain and abandonment when He died on the Cross. For all of us. 

I almost gave up. Many times. I almost didn't graduate from high school. I almost didn't go to college. I almost didn't get my degree. I almost didn't live long enough to have a boyfriend that would propose to me. 

I felt pain. I felt tired of my disability. I felt tired of being a burden. I felt alone. I felt like no one would care if I was gone. I felt like if I ended it all, I would be free. 

That moment of utter helplessness and aloneness would've stolen countless sunrises, hikes in the mountains, hugs from friends, chances for me to help others, a chance to see God comfort me here on this earth. I know I will feel pain again. We all will. 

But we also can see hope - we must see hope. Even for a second, if you cling to hope for one second, you can hold on for another. Then a minute. Then for the rest of the night. Then your hope can be renewed as the sun comes up, as you see others who know you: friends, family, the barista at the Starbucks you go to, the same driver on the bus. 

You are wanted. By your Creator. He can give you hope. Don't be afraid to ask. He understands pain. Don't be afraid to cry. Call your friends or text. They will talk to you or think of you until they can connect with you again. 

Don't leave. Because when you find hope, you can one day extend it to those caught in the darkness. 

1/4 tsp red pepper today makes the sniffles go away

Ye olde blogger has a stuffy little nose! Hopefully it's just the cold weather, but boiling 1/4 teaspoon of red pepper and hot water makes the tissues disappear and my little nose feel less stuffed. 

Random, I know. But living on my own, it's nice to see how to come up with my own solutions for things - oftentimes with the help of Pinterest and the Internet in general. 

Yay for random blog posts! 

I have a legal assistant job, now what?

I like my legal assistant job :)  Over the last few months, my boss has thrown some bookkeeping duties in the mix and added a few more $$ to my pacheck :) 

Even so, Mom is bugging me to only stay with these guys for a year or so and then go on to another opportunity that pays more. 

Thanks mom. But I have had my share of job search adventures :P 

But that made me ask the question: 

What's next? 

I always throw around the idea of writing a book. 

Hm.

I also throw around the idea of freelancing. Actually, I was very briefly a volunteer grant writing freelanceer volunteering my time with two organizations just helping them with research and stuff. The idea of freelancing came after I was diagnosed with Asperger's and I thought, "Hey, that's how Temple Grandin started..." 

But yeah. 

Will I stress out about it? No :) Because it's easier to just dabble in these ideas when I have consistent $$$. 

More importantly, I need to keep asking God what He would want me to do as I go on in life. He orchestrated all my adventures in life so far..... :) Some were definitely challenging, and some are really nice rides :) Anyway, we'll just have to see :)