Newbie Bride's response to thoughts on Egalitarianism vs. Complementarian Prespectives

First of all: COFFFEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Bri-Bri and I got coffee at Starbucks mainly because Bri-Bri needed it to finish his homework. I also apparently needed it to help him proof his papers. So apparently, my HDFS writing skills are coming out of hibernation WOO HOO! 

THUMBS UP FOR CAFFEINE! Note my sweet Husband's shiny
dome above my shoulder! 

Speaking of adventures as a helpmate and life partner to my sweet hubby, two posts on men and women's roles got me thinking about how they manifest in my new marriage. The first one is here and the second one is here. The emphasis on my perspective are the words: new marriage. We are still working life out, but I thank my friend for  his thoughts so that I can ponder what I learned and how it can apply to my life. 

Sweet Bri-Bri, Best Lil' Man, and I

First of all, my friend has anecdotes in his two blog posts about guys being jerks to their wives. That's just wrong and I wanted to smack those dudes. My Bri-Bri would want to as well because he knows that's no way to be a man. I think guys like that just use the 'submit' thing as an excuse and a swift kick in the nuts would set them right. 

Second of all, I agree that our old church was very adamant about women and men having different roles. I looked forward to being my husband's helpmate and I do enjoy helping him with things such as proofing his papers for school (1 year away from getting his B.S. in Human Services on his road to being a counselor!!!!) and doing chores when he is busy. I enjoy it because it is a tangible way of showing him love. Do I feel like he has a more important role as main breadwinner? No. I bring home some dough too as a legal assistant. We make decisions about the budget together, but I let him lead on big decisions such as when to open a joint account.

More importantly,  do I find my identity as a wife defined by how well I keep house or by how well I support my husband? Ok, sometimes. But do I feel like my role is lesser than his or that I have to submit to him in everything? No. He always tells me that he trusts me as his helpmate and advisor. Does he think he must provide to be a good husband? He wants to give me the freedom to stay at home if God has that for my life once we have children, but does he respect my decision to stay in a career if that's what I choose? Yes. Does he expect me to clean for him? He appreciates the help and he tells me. Most importantly, he appreciates what I bring to the relationship, and I appreciate what he brings as well. 

Given our attitudes about our roles, my husband doesn't automatically assume that he's a leader and I am a follower. We are equal partners with different strengths we bring to the relationship. For example, though he makes more money, I have bookkeeping skills learned through my position in my law firm. Therefore, I am the bookkeeper of the joint account. Both of us have the Budget Meeting mentioned in the Dave Ramsey class. My Bri-Bri is a good listener and helps me switch from task oriented 'I want to fix my Bri-Bri's probems' to 'I want to listen to my Bri-Bri' if he is discussing an issue. He is good at keeping his CD's contained in fairly neat piles in the living room and bedroom, and I am good at straightening the pantry and making sure no new strains of mold emerge in our refrigerated leftovers. In all these examples, no skill is prioritized as more important over the other. We both realize we work as a team, and we are equals on Team Abraham. 

Some of this was hard to wrap my head around. I wanted a man who had several hundred verses memorized, the books of the Bible memorized, had a theological encyclopedia in his head, made a six-figure income so I could begin making my Pinterest dreams reality, and was able to do a zero balance budget on a spreadsheet within the first week of being married. Basically, I wanted the idea of SuperHusband that I thought was the ideal at my old church.  In my thoughts, I would become critical of my sweet husband if he didn't meet all these criteria. 

I have a man who is growing in his faith, is not afraid to share his struggles in his faith, who gives thanks to God daily, and who is passionate about leading his son to Christ and encouraging his wife in her faith. I have a man who loves to sing worship to God in choir and a man who holds me in his warm arms to show me love. I have a man who kisses my tears away and reminds me that God is sovereign over my concerns. My man provides for us and is grateful for my contributions as we are both working our way out of debt. He views conversations about money as a team effort and recognizes both his and my perspectives. He trusts me with the bookkeeping of our joint account. I have a man who doesn't have the whole Bible memorized, but he demonstrates God's love to his wife, his son, his family, and his in-laws. Basically, though I don't have the Super-Husband that I conceptualized as a single college woman, I have a man who loves me and is an active partner in our life and active in his pursuit of God. I have a man that is passionate about loving me and who I am passionate about loving in return. 

So, is my marriage strictly complimentary or egalitarian? If you ask these questions regarding our marriage:  Is the marriage where the woman is the homemaker and the man is the provider? If the woman works, does she also have primary responsibility for the house? Does the man make all the important decisions? Then I would say we are egalitarian rather than complimentary. We share in household duties, though I tend to do more cleaning, but Bri-Bri does his fair share. As stated before, we are partners in our finances, and we both discuss our faith journeys together. 

If you ask these questions: Do our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other? Do we work as a team? Do I encourage my Bri-Bri to lead our family spiritually because he sees it as a role he wants to embrace? Does he recognize that God may call me to stop working once we have children? Then the answer would be we are a mixture of both egalitarian and complementary thought. 

Is that bad? I don't think it is. God is weaving two unique lives into one joined unique life. Does He have basic Truths - the most central Truth is that of Grace, Forgiveness, and Redemption through The Cross - to speak into our marriage? ABSOLUTELY YES! Will we follow a strict pre-set pattern for marriage? I dunno. Will both of us listen to God, pray for each other, our marriage, Bri-Bri's son, and our future children? Absolutely yes. The perspective we have on marriage is this: God is the Author and the Redeemer of our lives and our marriage who guides us every day. 

The Songs From the Summer of Ouch

Long time NO BLOG!!! Right???

Anyway, yesterday and today my huaband and I were listening to Jeremy Camp's "Stay" and "Carried Me" CD's in the car. 

Those were my "go to" CD's when my uncle was really sick one summer and I was trying to get over a hard core crush on a non-believer. Yeah long story. Summer of 2004 was the Summer of Ouch. My uncle was sick with terminal cancer and I was supporting my mom's grieving process and dealing with my own process. Also, God was addressing an area in my life where I was not trusting Him. You can probably see my posts related to this event within this blog. 

At any rate, listening to these songs again brought back memories of the pain, but they also made me aware of how much God grew my faith in that time. Listening to these songs was bittersweet because the pain twinged in my heart even as my heart praised God for giving me the sustaining grace to get through each day and showing me what it means to have joy that surpasses dark circumstances. 

God received glory in this moment as He does in every moment, but especially where His strength is displayed in our weakness and His joy shines through our sorrow. God healed me more because He once again revealed that He does not waste pain. 

Conquering my Husband’s Sock Drawer

My sweet husband spent ten minutes – ok – it seemed like ten minutes when we had breakfast to eat and a light-rail train to catch – ten minutes looking for his matching sock. His drawer is full of varying shades of black socks. Yes, some have different textures, so there could be mismatched socks, but 10 minutes looking for socks. And his wife had a pair ready to go in her little hands 30 seconds into the search.

I could've nagged – uh – longer – but, I realized my husband wanted to be the "man who conquered" and so I let him alone to conquer his sock problem.

Of course when I got home and he was at his internship, the first thing I did after dishes and laundry was tackle that sock drawer!

Yeesh! I've been married for almost two months and here I am blogging about chores. I giggle to myself thinking, "That's what my stay at home wife/mom" friends blog about.

That got me thinking even more:

Ever since I got married, I have this drive to clean the former man-cave… ahem, Hubby and my house, and I get excited about cooking for my man, hanging his clothes up, and yes even going through and pairing up his socks.

Bri-Bri cooks and I do the dishes, but I also find myself doing more of the chores. This division of labor is largely due to Bri-Bri's internship taking place this fall. He is away from home 2-3 evenings a week and on Saturday mornings.

I knew I'd accept this arrangement because it needed to happen for practical reasons. My brain surprised me by thinking about household tasks or ideasd during downtimes at work, and I felt the same pride finishing chores as I did finishing work tasks. And I want to work just as hard helping my sweet husband around home like I do at work.

 

Where did this come from?

 

Well, even though my mom went to college during the feminist movement and my aunt was quite involved in that, my mom still asked me if I was ready to be a wife. "Are you ready to clean for Brian and cook?" I rolled my eyes and laughed.

"Yes, mom, but remember, it's the 21^st century. The spouses usually share the work now." I grew up watching one of my aunts share home and work duties with her husband, and my cousins enjoyed having both parents involved in their lives while having active careers. Growing up in a single-parent home, I knew having a child and having a career was possible, and took for granted that would be my life as an adult.

In college, my role models in marriage because my 'Summitview moms' and 'Summitview older sisters' who showed me what life was like when a woman chose to make a career out of being a wife, homeschool teacher, and mother. Now that I think of it, I did have a blog post examining the position of a wife and mother as a career path.

During my time at Summitview, I came to respect that role as much as I respected a paying career path. Some of my friends at Summitview thought the pastors encouraged that role for mothers and didn't address two-earner households as much. Because of that, I began thinking quitting my job after having children was the right and Godlier thing to do.

Now that I am in the working world, I have examples of women who work hard in their careers and also are good parents to their children. I see examples of this in my current church, and I know some women who also stay at home with their children or have stayed at home with them when the children were young.

In addition to all these role-models, I have my natural instincts informing my feelings and actions. God binds a husband and wife together physically, so from that, I have a drive to be close to my husband and that probably motivates me to help him and make his life easier :) There is also that ever-present reward center of the brain that gets activated when my man tells me I did a great job with the dishes or for attempting his laundry or even sorting his socks. That reward system is further reinforced by a sweet kiss :)

This is the classic nature versus nurture debate. Do I want to be a "full blown" homemaking wife and mom because I saw examples of it for so long or because it's somehow wired into me? Is it a mixture of both? I can think about it and tease it apart to satisfy my nerdy mojo and that's perfectly fine. More importantly though, I need to ask God what should I do? How does He want me to fill those roles practically and how do support my husband in a spiritual way? The ultimate answer can't just come from what I see around me or the biology within me. It has to come from my Creator God who designed marriage and who united my husband and me for His purposes.

Choir Small Group!!!!!!!!

What? Tso blog posts in onenight? Well, I couldn't post actually on Saturday (technical difficulties), but I can hopefully post this second entry without any ssues:

I'm part of choir at Southeast Christin church!!!!!! Sharon is in choir with me along with my Bri-Bri!!!!!! We all get to worship God in song and study His Word evry week! I asked the choir director if I could be in Sharon's group and she will let me know!!! Squeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

I There we both are with our choir name tags!!! Squeeeee!

Go Girl Time!!!

Saturday Sept. 20:

I'm waiting for Sharon, a friend from church / choir at Park Meadows food court. We are having giiiiiirl tiiiiime!!!!! It feels like old times when Imhad girl time with another friend at Summitview :) I'm so happy to have girl time because it's familiar and how I grew spiritually at Summitview :)

Each friendship will be new and different and I am looking forward to Sharon and my friendship not just being a mentor role friendship but two ladies doing life together :) I want to learn from her and I pray she is encouraged by me as well :)

Yay! She's here! Let the talking and giggling begin!!!

Legally A New Me!!!!!

Friday:

I am eating a yummy sandwich at a Brugger's by the Arapahoe County DMV. I tried going to another DV, but they didn't issue Colorado ID's. A walk and light rail ride later, I ended up at another DMV and yet another document shall be issued with my...MARRIED NAME!!! SQUEEEEEEEEK!!!!

Yup! A new me :)

Do I feel different? Well mmmaybe. I have to get used to introducing myself with my married last name. As more and more documents have my new name, I get used to the new me :)

Sunday:

A larger question is how is my identity forming as a wife? Do I only compare myself to other friends when they were newlyweds or do I ask God how He wants me to help my new husband? More importantly! I must realize that my identity is still in Christ. That hasn't changed and that identity rather my identity as Boaz's wife should be my foundation.

It's really happening!!!!

I'm waiting for my sweet Bri at Dry Creek station so we can go to the Arpahoe County Clerk and Recorder to get our... MARRIAGE LICENSE!!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I also got a box for my cards and found cuuuuuuute paper for it!!!!! I also worked om my flowers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm excited for the wedding day event, but I feel a deeper excitement to marry my sweet Brian Boaz and begin life as his wife and helpmate!  Planning for the wedding event has beem stressful with Mom's worries and that has caused me to not have the excitement I wish I had. But spending time with my sweet dork and his son made me realize I was joining their family. I would suport my Bri-Bri in raising his son. He would be there to love me and I would be there to love him :) He will be my huggable strong man and I will be his helpmate.

God is writing our story :) We always come back to that. I have seen His hand in the wedding planning: Him giving me patience to help me talk to Mom when she worries, getting flowers I wanted on sale, ditto for the cake :) and other little good surprises.

It's really happening!!!!! The wedding day is coming together and Gd continues to prepare my Briam Boaz and I to join our lives as one!