Matthew 6:33 in the Old Testament!

Matthew 6:33 is coming true in the OLD TESTAMENT!! Solomon asks for wisdom which is going after God’s heart and then BAM the economy goes CRAZY! Now, some people (and I have also) thought, “Wow. The man asked for wisdom and then he found a way to blow up the stock market!” We-ell… I’m sure wisdom obviously helped because he knew what to do with his resources and how to advise his people, but I think the deeper issue here is that he asks for wisdom and shows that he is after God’s heart, so God provides the country with epic amounts of resources. The main goal during the first few years of peacetime is building of the Temple, so most of the resources will go to there. That’s interesting :) So when we ask God to bless us in the US (God, help us get OUT OF THE RECESSION), what if the deeper question we should be asking is, "God, what do You want for us as a nation? What do you want us to be seeking to know You better?" 

For me personally, I say a lot, "God, I'd like a paralegal job after I graduate!" I should also be asking, "God, what do You want me to learn about You as I do this career change?" Will that automatically make my finances go through the roof? Who knows, but really, with the mentality of seeking God first, then that becomes secondary :) We'll just have to see, but it's interesting. 

Solomon looses this focus on God eventually, and I will read about it more later. But yeah, it's interesting to read about his epic start! 

Foundation of Beauty

I am so grateful for my Summitview women who have taught me what beauty means. I think I am in few weeks or so of struggling with it. This is because Mom is struggling with her body image and it's projected on comments about my appearance. 

She told me she ate a lot on her vacay and how she has to walk it off. 

I'm Asian, but I'm not a stereotypical super-skinny Asian. 

Asian Model - Google Images

I have more of a Polynesian  Pacific Island woman's figure and I actually got overweight in junior high. Cross Country helped tone me out :) But anyway, I don't think I'll ever be like stick-thin like a lot of other Asians.

Polynesian Dancers - Google Images

In grad school, God really helped me accept how He created me - both physically and developmentally. I am really glad for that :) Even though I didn't gush about the emotional issues of body image like most women (I would just say, yeah, I know it's correlated to self-esteem and such and I've felt those effects - I'd talk about it in a more academic manner), the emotions are no less real.

When I hear, "Are you getting fat?" I'd immediately feel like I am doing something wrong and feel ugly. Then I remind myself that I am walking nearly every day, and I bought healthy cereal. I have a sweet spot for candy ;) but I generally don't eat a huge mega bag of candy every day. When I exercise, I have to remember that I am exercising this intricately engineered body my Creator designed to get the most effective use of it, and not to prop myself up to say, "Holy crap, I look awesome now!"

The deeper issue is this: When I hear "Are you getting fat?" or "Are you watching what you eat?" I worry, "did Mom love me  / accept me less when I was overweight?" She praises how I look now, but she reminds me a lot not to gain weight. The deeper issue is that I want someone to love the me that I see in the mirror. That sounds so like something in a women's Christian book about body image that has Papyrus font on the front and a flower or something. The more raw way to say this is: When I hear stuff like that, I wish I was happily married to a Prince Charming who would thoroughly enjoy my body and think I'm hot. A sobering thought is I'd probably be one of those girls that the HDFS journals talk about as having risk-taking sexual behavior just because I know I'd be one of those girls that craves love.

That is a sobering thought: Without Christ, I would do maladaptive things to convince myself that I was beautiful. But that is not my reality :) GOD THINKS I'M BEAUTIFUL!!!! :) :)

Bride in Hawaii -

Google Images

My Creator who sequenced my DNA and has all my physical specifications down to a science is happy with how He made me, and because of Christ, I have His love. I can crave it, not because I desperately need but do not have access to it, but I can  crave it as a bride would crave the love of her current husband. It is accessible and she can get more.

That grounds me and so I can look at myself and say, "Don't worry about Mom, God is calling you beautiful." :)

New Peeps!

I might have just found some NEW PEEPS! 

PEEPS! (Google Images)

Church Peeps, that is :) 

This summer I spent time at the Denver Firehouse which is a really cool church that was planted off of Summitview a few years ago. They're really neat people and I was glad to spend a summer with them :) I caught up with some girls who were at Summitview a while ago, and now are there. I also got to hang out with a new girl that came around from Monument and that was way fun. 

The only problem is that church is SUPER-FAR away from my house, especially by bus, and I couldn't really do evening stuff with them because it would get real dark there, and Mom didn't want me around that area (it wasn't super-sketch like 5 points, but it wasn't like walking around Highlands Ranch at night either). So, that posed a bit of a problem. 

TODAY I checked out a new church called Hope Crossing. It's right by a post-office near Mom and my house (Wadsworth and Yale for those Denverites that read this blog). I checked out their doctrinal statement ant they actually go really in depth more than a lot do. So the theological-nerd side of me enjoyed that. 

The people were way nice who greeted me. They had a modern worship service, which I think is becoming the new norm in American Christianity. What was SUPER-TIGHT is that they played TWO songs that I really really really really really really like: Everlasting God and Our God is Greater and I eeked in my head :) It was like God saying, "Welcome, Katie, I'm going to help you be comfortable in this new environment!" Yeah - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! 

And THEN turns out I sat by this lady named Betsy. She is the counseling administrator at the church and has her LPC. We totally nerded out a bit about counseling and stuff and I told her that I had a background in child development. 

THEN the pastor prayed for the schools in the area including my old high school. I was like, "Oh dang, I guess I wasn't joking when I would try a church in my neighborhood." Yeah, it felt weird but cool to be praying for my high school that I went to a billion years ago. 

THEN he gave the message. They're starting on a series entitled Functional which is about God and the Family. So that is so cool that I could check out this church and really see where they were with important stuff like their view on Christ, their view on the Word, and their view on the family and stuff like that. Honestly, it felt like one of Mitch's sermons given by a guy with no hair!! :) hahahahahaha :) But yeah! They have the exact same view as Summitview: Men are the spiritual leaders, God should be at the center of a marriage, marriage is to show the world the image of God and not for our own self-actualization, and these principles can all be seen in the Bible. YAY! :) 

After church we had a BBQ. I actually brought some oranges from home that would've gotten bad, so that was nice. I met this girl named Erin who goes to Red Rocks Community College. She's studying nursing and incidentally went to my high school so I got to reminisc with her. I failed to mention that I went there 10 years ago, but oh well :D We both are not able to drive due to our disabilities, so it was fun yaking about RTD and our bus passes. 

Yeah, this might be my church. We'll see :) I am grateful for the Firehouse though. It was a really neat transitional church to go to because it had people from Summitview I knew and they helped me adjust to living in Denver. Now I have found a place that is closer to home where I can hopefully become more involved. To think this church may be where God could use me to influence the community where I grew up is.... REALLY COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

A Crisis Observed: Yay!

OH CRAP! I can't believe I didn't write about this beforehand!!!!!!!!!!! 

So on Friday I visited my aunt in the hospital. She was doing much better and her face lit up when I saw her. She showed me her hospital issue socks and those leg wraps that keep the blood circulating when the patient is stuck in bed all day. The socks were yello and the leg wraps were green. So of course I joked that she was either wearing CSU colors or Packers colors. I also brought her an ESPN magazine about football since she's a HUGE Broncos fan :) She liked that. 

It was a huge relief to see her on the mend and happy. She obviously wanted to be home, but she knew she had to rest up in the hospital. Her mom brought her a stuffed monkey named Ricky. We joked about how she had to keep monkey Ricky away from her mom's dog also named Ricky because the dog would chew the thing to pieces. She was a bit tired, but otherwise she was her normal self. :) Yay! :) 

She has today and possibly tomorrow in the hospital and then she goes home :) We're all thankful that this little bump in the road in her life was small :) 

The God of Peacetime versus the God of War

1 chronicles 22 -  Interesting how David wanted to build the Temple but God had told him no. Here God gives a reason: Because he had done so much killing - I’m guessing during his military campaigns and also because of his sins. Solomon would build it in a time of peace.

Logistically this makes sense. A region has to be secured first before infrastructure can begin. It doesn’t make sense to build a road if it’s just going to get bombed the next day. Also, during peacetime, the government’s income can go to infrastructure rather than military spending (yeah, ya think I’ve been listening to ads about government spending much??)

I also wondered if there was a spiritual component to God’s law. God being God, there probably is. I did a search in Bible Gateway for the words “kill and murder” through the Levitical law books (yeah, paralegal nerd side coming out just a little), and I didn’t find anything that said, “If you kill or murder, you can’t do stuff like build a city / temple / stuff.” Well technically, you can’t because if you murder you’re usually dead after a trial where you have multiple witnesses (BASIS FOR TRIAL BY JURY YEAH!!!!!!!!!! Or at least a hearing or something where more than one witness is called). Anyway… um… I didn’t find that.

But I thought about how God wants His fame spread throughout the region. If David built the Temple, the other nations could say, “David killed a crap ton of people and now he has this amazing worship facility… Dang is his God like bloodthirsty or something?!” God DEFINITELY does NOT want that reputation. So, I think He has Solomon do it because of the logistical reasons above and also so the other nations see the side of God that is grace and blessing. They saw the God of Wrath, but I think He wants to show the grace side too. 

Just like with the Cross. We see the God of Wrath when we see Jesus on the Cross. We see His wrath when He goes all epic warrior on the whole entire world. But we see the God of Grace when He reveals the new Jerusalem where His reedeemed live and it’s AWESOME and peaceful. Not to mention, all the animals up there are fluffy and cute and don’t bite :D But that’

A Census according to God's statutes

I PARALEGAL NERDED out today for my quiet time :)  It was actually really interesting! 

The fact situation: 1 Chronicles 21:1-6: David orders a census against Joab's advice. Joab is part of David's "cabinet." He is basically the Secretary of Defense. David ordered the census to be taken of "all of Israel" and for Joab to create a report detailing the numbers. Joab obeyed reluctantly and counted everyone except the Levites and the tribe of Benjamin because he was upset that he had to do this. 

The legal question: Was David's request for a census lawful according to the law given to Moses that all the Israelites were required to follow? 

Relevant statutes: Exodus 30:11-16 A census is lawful only if the people counted pay half a shekel to give an atonement for their lives as an offering to God. Taxes appear to be used as offerings to God. The intent of the census appears to be in remembrance of what God has done for the country. 

So... THAT is why David got dinged for doing a census. He did it just to see how much of an army he had rather than for the country's spiritual good, and as a service to God. Joab knew the relevant statute, so that's why he protested so much. That is also why God was justified in bringing a plague on them. He didn't authorize the census and it wasn't used for His intended purposes, so God, as the creator, interpreter, and enforcer of His laws and statutes punished David and the nation of Israel by wiping out 70,000 people with a plague. 70,000 people is about half the population of Fort Collins! :O So, yes, what David did was really serious. 

David offered a peace offering according to Leviticus 3. God accepted it because it was burnt completely. I think he learned his lesson, and I think Joab probably told him, "I told you so." 

A Crisis Observed: It's a short one!

Good news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) MY AUNT DOES NOT HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Yay! :) I'm so happy :D She's going to be in the hospital until probably Sunday, but she is recovering as expected. 

This crisis is a short one, but still significant. My friends noticed that I wasn't really as perky and cheerful in our paralegal classes. I went home and just chilled out. I think a lot of the worrying I did and stuff oh yes, and lack of sleep wore me out. 

But yeah. It's still a bummer that one of my favorite aunts is sick, but the fact that she should recover shortly is definitely a major plus! :) 

A Crisis Observed: The First Morning

Whoa, hey, last night was like "Angry Birds" except it was
Angry Blogger... wow. 

So last night, I listened to music, wrote in my journal and then listened to John Piper's message "The supremacy of Joy in a Postmodern World." That was really awesome because it grounded me that joy flows out of the relationship between the Father and the Son and then we are able to share in it because we are justified through the Cross. That was nice because joy is NOT in my circumstance (yes, Katie, you should've learned that by now, but apparently...) and also for this situation will not be primarily in: an amazingly good recovery for my aunt after surgery, the tumor being benign, or even if my unsaved family members come to know Christ through this. These would be secondary sources of joy, but the primary source is God. 

Knowing that still didn't stop the 'blahs' from hitting me when I woke up today. I lay in bed just wanting to snuggle in my blankets and stare at the wall until I had to go to class. But I reminded myself of Truth and reminded myself that God will give me strength to get through the day :) 

Knowing my joy comes primarily from God allowed me to enjoy some little smiles this morning. When I got dressed for a little morning walk, I got into my CSU Rams sweatpants and hoodie. I thought, "Oh man, I'm Ramed up today! Woo! :)" and seeing the grass along the bike path near my little house just a little bit greener thanks to the rain yesterday made me smile. Watching some ducks in the creek also made me smile :)  And during my quiet time, the way 1 Chronicles 19 was HILARIOUS. "So the Arameans were not willing to help the Ammonites anymore. v.19." Um... YEAH... if you ally with a country that God through King David will beat down, you will not have a good time. Anyway, I laughed a bit.

When I came back, I wasn't that hungry (I know that's a sign of stress for me), but I ate cereal and then made an easy lunch. Joy means I can go through the day doing my thing and not lay around stressing out. Joy means looking for little smiles in the day even though I don't know how my aunt's surgery will go later on today.

I know today I might think about my aunt when I'm in class and stuff, but I also know I can just shout out a prayer (silently) to God and then go back to thinking about torts or something. 

Cussing out the Proper Spiritual Authorities

Note: I usually don't post my raw thoughts, but I just had to let this one go because honestly, there is no cleaning up certain situations. Pain hurts and pain sucks, but even when I am pissed beyond acceptable language, I can still honestly see God, and that's why I'm sharing these thoughts with the blogsphere.

I AM SUPER F-ING PISSED RIGHT NOW! Like SERIOUSLY???? Ok, my aunt who has down syndrome and who has been at times like a big sister, at times like a younger close cousin to me, at times like my favorite client, just went to the doctor and was told she had a 6 inch mass in her abdomen. 
LIKE SERIOUSLY??? Who the hell thought, "Oh, let's give a lady with down syndrome a tumor RIGHT when she's about to move in with one of her best friends into a new apartment and when she's trying to help her mom who has osteoarthritis??" And also, WHAT THE F!! My family lost an uncle to cancer. and whoever it is, if you remember THAT WAS HER F-ING BROTHER WHO DIED FROM CANCER and SHE BETTER NOT BE NEXT!!!!!  F THIS CANCER AND F THIS SICKNESS AND F ALL THIS PAIN AND SOMEONE'S GONNA BURN IN HELL FOR A LONG F ING TIME FOR ALL THIS!!

Like, my anger is truly real, and I was totally cussing out - well someone - in my head. Like, I don't cuss much (even though some of my paralegal friends drop s and f bombs on a regular basis) but anger was my first reaction. 

Unfortunately, I first started cussing out God like, "Ok, I know You have a plan for this buddy, but WHAT THE F!?!?!" Honestly, this can be a valid mistake for people. Because when I found out that my uncle was sick in 2005, my grandpa had a stroke in 2006, and tonight that my aunt has a tumor, I wanted to find some supernatural power and kick it in the nuts and make it hurt for somehow being sovereign over all this earth and letting these things happen. Because IT HURTS. It's just a natural reaction to want to make someone pay for suffering. Even that thought: that people understand there's a true good and a true bad means that SOMEONE created these standards, therefore, there is SOMETHING out there. Of course, the God of the Bible has proved Himself through Creation and through the Word and through Christ. He's proven that yes. There is a good. God is good. He is good. And Satan rebelled bringing evil into the world. That is why there is suffering. Satan is the ultimate cause of all this pain: Everything from Cain killing Abel, Eve getting deceived, Adam not manning up and standing up for her, and all the divorce and child abuse and war and genocide and starvation and class warfare and selfishness and persecution of God's people and sickness and disabilities and cancer and - ALL THIS F ING PAIN IS CAUSED BY SATAN!  Nope not God. If we don't understand the Christian worldview and we believe God is a mix of good and bad instead of the perfect just and loving God that redeems His people from a fallen world, we WILL shake our fist at Him for suffering, because we just want a supernatural being to PAY for ALL THE SUFFERING EVER, especially when it touches us personally. 

Did I cuss Satan out in my head? Oh, yes I did. Yeah, I sure did. And I was thinking, "AND I AM SO F -ING GLAD, SATAN YOU ARE TRULY HONESTLY GONNA BURN AND ROT IN HELL FOR A LONG LONG LONG LONG TIME AND YOU WILL GET YOU ASS HANDED TO YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY BECAUSE YOU CAUSED SO MUCH PAIN AND SO MANY TEARS AND SO MUCH - AAAGH! YOU WILL F - ING BURN!!!!"

Then I realized, "God, I truly do thank You that we don't have to go around like, 'pain is really nothing la la la,' and brush it under the rug and put on so-called rose colored glasses, but we can fess up like, 'GOD THIS F ING SUCKS AND THIS IS ALL F ING SATAN'S FAULT!' because God is sick of this sht too. That's why He's going to judge the world. 

Then I was humbled thinking, "Oh crap. Obviously I've sinned too. Yeah, I deserve to burn, and apart from Christ, I'm just as screwed as the rest of the world." Then I was like, "Grace is seriously epic." Like that sentence doesn't even capture the epicness of God because God rescueing even 1 person from this crappy pisshole of a world that is just as defiled and covered in filth is mind blowing and He is rescuing THOUSANDS of people EVERY DAY and He is not going to stop until He gets people from EVERY SINGLE NATION IN THIS PAIN-FILLED WORLD. THAT is the reason no human being can EVER fathom that, and that is what the Apostle Paul writes over and over in his letters. 

If there was not a good sovereign God who has through Christ defeated Satan and defeated sin and death and sickness (including cancer and tumors), there would seriously be no hope at all. This is the light in this onslaught of pain and anger and crap, and this is the light and hope I hold onto so I can trust God and be real with Him and connect with Him through all this. 

One of America's Worst Days looking back

 

 

NYC skyline at night - Google Images

Today is the 11th anniversary of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. I was walking down the hallway at John F. Kennedy High School in Denver, CO when I heard kids talking about how a plane hit the World Trade Center in New York City. I thought it was a small commuter plane and I wondered why it went off course. I told my friends, "Well, you know, a commuter plane is small, so it might not damage the building, but why would it fly so close to the skyline?" They just told me to look in one of the classrooms that had a TV on to the news. I looked and saw dark black smoke billowing out of one of the towers. 

First Period AP American History started and we sat there and watched the news. We learned that two planes hit the towers, another hit the Pentagon, then another plane went down in Pennsylvania en route to somewhere in Washington, DC. We realized this was an attack. Just as first hour ended, the towers of the World Trade Center collapsed. I saw just billowing smoke mixed with the ash of the buildings collapse into the streets. I was worried that so many other people were now hurt by the debris that had spread into the street. 

That started several months of what I'm pretty sure was secondary PTSD. That was no fun. The newsreels kept on playing in my head when I went to sleep and I couldn't get the images out of my head. I would have nightmares about it. I may have also developed a fixation around the World Trade Center as a way of processing all of it on my own. Because I did have to process all of that on my own. Sometimes I'd get scared to go to Downtown Denver because I would be fearful of an attack there. This lasted the rest of the school year. Before my honors Chemistry class, I liked to get there early and crawl into a little space under the lab counters because it was a nice safe space in case something happened. My country wasn't safe, my home wasn't safe when the news was on because they would show newsclips of the attacks which would start flashbacks, and sleeping sometimes wasn't safe because I would dream about it. 

 What did I learn from it? Well, first, that I took for granted this country. As someone adopted from a third world country, I knew living in this country was a gift. I thought living here provided some immunity from the "horrible current events 'over there'"
 I also learned how to handle a situation completely differently than Mom and find my own way to deal with it. Mom responded with anger and hate toward Al Queda. By God's grace, I responded with asking God to help me with my sadness and fear. I turned to God instead of just hating what happened. 

I learned that with God's help, and with adequate emotional support, things I saw on the news that made me sad didn't have the power to make me spiral into fear. When I came to CSU, I visited the Counseling Center around the anniversary of the attacks and they gave me tools to help me deal with it and then helped me learn how to deal with my emotions better. I think this event is the last one that I have unhealthily interanlized, that is: had it hit me so hard it was like I was there, even though I wasn't actually there. I learned how to have a healthy emotional distance between myself and what I saw on the news. To empathize without letting the dark world crush me. 

If I had told myself on September 12, 2001 that on September 11, 2012 I would cheerfully tell my mom who I love very much to have a great vacation as she left on an airplane knowing that day was the anniversary of the attacks, I would say, "How will I be able to do that without being sad and having flashbacks and stuff?" My present day self would say: It will be a long road, but by God's grace, I promise you, He will get you there." The way God can help me heal from handling a very intense national crisis with limited emotional resources has taught me this: God's healing power is amazing and stronger than anything the world tries to destroy.

Competence tested and reasserted

Greetings blogsphere!! :) Mom is off on a jet plane with one of her nursing school buddies on her way to Maine!! :) 

Lighthouse in Portland, Maine - according to Google Images :D

They're going on a little vay-cay and I'm here in Denver doing school stuff :)This morning very VERY early, I saw my mom and her friend off and Mom reminded me of some things and a laundry list of stuff not to forget while she's away. I jokingly told her, "Mo-om, I've lived in Fort Collins for 9 years before. I'll be fine." After she and her friend left, I did think about it: 

I realized that excessive worry on a parent's end may cause a child to feel less confident. Or in less HDFS scholarly terms, I can second guess myself when Mom is constantly worried about me because her worries say to me, "What if you're not doing something right?" 

It took a lot of time for me to realize that I could do things on my own without second-guessing myself. It's funny, I think I learned my lesson, and yesterday I was on my own at my volunteering time at Colorado Legal Services, and today I'm back on my own (YAY!) defined as: making my own choices about my daily life without Mom's input (which I follow when prudent, and don't when I want to do my own thing ;) I think also this time of being by myself will just remind me that I can do stuff on my own so I am confident next semester when I do an internship, when I graduate and I get my first paralegal job, and FINALLY when I get out of the house :D

Turned loose in the law office

Today was an interesting day for me when I volunteered at Colorado Legal Services (CLS). The person I usually help called in sick. Her assistant, however, left me with some stuff to do which was sort and file paperwork as well as add a final sheet to some files. I would partially fill out this final sheet.

Normally I work pretty closely with the CLS staff. She doesn't check every single thing I do, but I usually do my work in her office. Since she was away, I did a lot of it on my own. At first I was nervous about doing it by myself, but I had to remind myself that I knew what I was doing because I had done it before. Her presence had been like a safety-net. However, I realized that I really did understand more of the case closing and case categorization processes than I thought I did because I was really forced to think it through myself.
In the paralegal world, the more experience a paralegal has, the less 'hand holding' the attorney does. Being able to work with minimal supervision is the mark of a good paralegal. The fact that I sort of had that happen suddenly, and the fact that I think I did everything I was supposed to gave me confidence that I will be able to do a good job as a paralegal :)

Sometimes I doubt myself because of my disabilities or because other people doubt me, but when I have accomplishments like this, those help boost my confidence :)

Kids make me smile

Today was my second cousin's first birthday :) She and her sister were SO CUTE :)

Her older sister is three and she helped her open presents. I of course played with the kids. The cutest greatest moments where when the little one discovered what all her new little toys could do. The look of joy / surprise on her face was pure awesome :)

Hanging around them made me think about how I'd like kids someday Not while I'm in paralegal school, not right after, but you know - someday :) A bonus will be that they will be at least 1/2 tan! WOO HOO!

It's funny. I went from: "I want kids to prove my HDFS competency in spite of a complicated past" to "I'LL NEVER HAVE KIDS BECAUSE I'M ON THE AUTISM SPECRUM!!!" to "Hm. I think I want kids. I just know I'll relate to them in a completely different way, and that's ok." to "Kids would be nice. In a few years."

Even though I am not married or engaged or otherwise in a relationship, it is nice to think about this whole idea of having kids. It's called being prepared. Not just learning the child development knowledge, but think about why I want kids. If a child was merely a tool to fill a void in my heart, that kid can't fill it. I've been a kid in that position, and I do not want to put a child in that position. It's the neatest thing to watch a child develop, but I realize that having responsibility for that child's development is an enormous responsibility. I understand why it takes a community (the parents and their social support system) to raise children because with so much responsibility, social support gives parents emotional and practical support.

It's also nice to ponder questions such as: would I truly be ok with leaving a career to raise a child or children, how could I realistically balance work and family responsibilities, how would I take a family on the bus, would I be comfortable homeschooling if that's what Prince Charming would want? The nice thing is that I would have the help of Prince Charming (husband) in these decisions, so I wouldn't do it alone.

Sometimes I think a lot of people that do not have children (me included on some days) can have fears that would lead them to not want children. Sometimes the idea of giving up a career I may be passionate balancing that career with family responsibilities would seem very difficult, sometimes I would say, 'What if Prince Charming kicked the bucket and left me alone and I would have to do it myself, sometimes I would say, there can be so much that can happen in a family that can be bad for a child, the risk seems really high. I think sometimes in the human services professions, many people can become jaded and say, "Families are messed up, parents are generally ignorant and human services professionals must do the best they can with the limited funds the government has." I've heard that sentiment several times going through school :P Sometimes I think that even after all this time, my attachment history and my current limitations would make it hard to raise a child.

Getting bogged down in these risks would be a reason why I would willingly remain childless. However, to counter those voices, I have to remember the good things: helping a child achieve developmental milestones, the smiles and giggles when a child discovers something new, being able to love a child, raising someone to be a productive member of society, and being able to share God with a child are reasons why, if it is God's will, getting married and having a child would be worth it. Because ultimately, kids do make me smile, and more importantly, the act of raising a child to know God and be the person He made them to be makes God smile.