Perservate / Perservation as well as Israel's history and Temple Grandin

Random title from the randomness of my mind


Perseveration: Uncontrollable repetition of a particular response, such as a word, phrase, or gesture, despite the absence or cessation of a stimulus, usually caused by brain injury or other organic disorder.(cited within an ASD forum 2010)




Yup. I'm currently doing that. As you can probably tell from looking at my posts, I cycle through topics. They do link rather well to circumstances I'm facing at the time, so this whole blog is an interesting look at the history of my life. I guess that's what personal blogs are for. Anyway, my latest fixation or object of my perservating is Temple Grandin. I watched the movie trailer of the HBO movie that bears her name several times tonight. I've also watched some of her speeches and interviews over the last few weeks for educational purposes. I've thumbed through the Animals Make us Human book and read her book Emergence: Labeled Autistic. There's something about someone else walking down the path of a certain disability that gives me hope. Looking back, I was fixated on Helen Keller for the longest time. Other fixations would override that, but I would always gravitate to the movie The Miracle Worker and had parts of it burnt into my brain.




With this fixation, I'm letting God into the crazy world of Katie's brain. I haven't done that before. Some of my fixations have resulted from my need to escape the reality I was living in. The Helen Keller fixation partially arose because I would dream about running away to my favorite teacher (of that year)'s house or at least getting more one on one time with her if I couldn't handle being at home. God has revealed to me that this latest fixation results from these things: I wanted her mother who still spoke of her lovingly in spite of her behaviors & autism. I sympathized with Temple with living in the dark-ages of development (For me, they hadn't figured out some of the sensory deprivation issues kids face coming out of orphanages. For her, it was the unknown of what caused and how to treat autism.), and I long for a future where God will use my weaknesses and shine through them. I know it's promised in the Bible, but I need a tangible example: someone I can see and read about that has gone before me. The downsides of this fixation is that I can compare my life too much to Temple's life. I can think of her as the ultimate authority on autism and what to do with related issues rather than seek God.


Tonight I read the story of Joseph's journey to Egypt that ultimately preserved the nation of Israel during the famine. I was reminded that God's people look at examples of the faith. In the psalms, God is often the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob or any variant of that title. The history of Israel is repeated over and over in the Bible. When the Israelites put their hope in history alone, battles were lost, eventually they took God for granted and got punished for not following Him. However, when David was in a bind, he repeated Israel's history over and over in his head and in the psalms to remind himself of who was behind it. That's what I must do when Temple's story gets repeated over and over in my head. I must not cling to her or to her story too tightly. If my life doesn't follow her script, it will let me down. But if I cling to God who has given her and I life and use this opportunity to pray for her to come to know Christ as her His salvation and His hope, He will not disappoint. He will walk me down the path of my own story, He will show Himself as Savior to her, and both of our lives will be a reflection of His power.

He is Exalted

Exalt: to raise in rank, power, or character; to elevate by praise or in estimation (glorify)

Througout Israel's history kings and rulers are described as being exalted – raised up by God usually by being appointed king or by having some sort of victory. The Word is clear when a king's exaltation was from God. Whenever a king exalted himself outside of God's will, dire consequences resulted. David laments that his enemies exalt over him, thus they view themselves as having a greater power or character than David. This exaltation of kings culminates in the exaltation of the King of Kings – Jesus. The Father appointed Him over all things (Col 1) and He humbled Himself to die on the cross to redeem Creation which He will rule over when it's His time.

In a fallen world, we exalt ourselves by our accomplishments. We also condone sin (exalt or praise it). Certain sins are especially esteemed in certain cultures and sub-cultures that take pride in going against tradition or God's Word. For example, in this culture relativism is prized above someone saying that he/she has absolute Truth. Even in academia where the scientific method is still based in the philosophy that there is a Truth that we must find, relativism is valued as a concept to be taught to students.

All this background on exaltation validates my thoughts that I've had about the Shane & Shane song "He is Exalted." I've been listening to this song repeatedly as I've undergone my recent assessment. God has made it clear that He is to be elevated above my accomplishments and strengths that are shown through this process as well as be the power that drives me in spite of the weaknesses that I have. He has used me to speak Truth to my evaluator and He is reminding me that my worth is not in falling somewhere in the bounds or normal or near-normal, but my worth is in Christ alone. Any accomplishments I have in spite of my limitations are from Christ, and it is Christ who will use my limitations to help or inspire other people. This indeed is humbling, and I pray that He always reminds me of this Truth.



He is exalted / The King is exalted on high

And I will praise Him

He is exalted / Forever exalted

And I will praise His name



For He is the Lord

Forever His Truth shall reign

Heaven and earth

Rejoice in His holy name

He is exalted / the King is exalted on high


 

Jesus Your Love has No Bounds II: ASD and Compassion in Christ (my thoughts)

Thanks to writing academic journal articles, my titles can get lengthy. I mean, some titles take up two whole lines of text when cited in APA format... anyway, grad school musings aside, I was thinking about the ability to have compassion versus the ability to express compassion, especially for people on the autism spectrum or have autistic-like traits.

Why do I bring this up? Recently, it's been pointed out that I do possess some autistic-like traits. Whether they are enough to warrant a diagnosis on the spectrum, or they are remnants of deprivation and trauma in my early-development is yet to be seen. At any rate, I've been thinking about this a lot since a roommate is dealing with a serious illness in her family, and I am helping a single-mother headed family in my church with babysitting. In both these cases, I do feel compassion for both parties. I want to help and be useful to them. However, I know that I may not always show compassion the way others do, or I may not show it in as elaborate ways as I think others show. For example, I might be able to cry along with a friend in some cases, in other cases, I might clam up if I can't think of anything to say. In other cases, I might over-analyze a situation thinking that I'm being helpful when I may just have needed to listen. I may listen, but I might not make eye-contact or seem as attentive as others.

There is this article written by author A.J. Mahari who is a mental health professional and advocate for people with ASD that addresses her observations that people, especially women on the autism spectrum do in fact feel empathy and have noticed improvement in their ways of expressing it. I agree with her that the impairment in compassion can be more in the expression of compassion and love than in the feeling. However, I think that if someone is truly much more impaired in the basic theory-of-mind functions of: Others have emotions, Emotions in others are a consequence of their circumstances, than maybe their sense of compassion may be diminished. I think about what Temple Grandin has described in her writing in wanting to be loved, but unable to express it. She writes about having an aunt that would hug her in a way that would overwhelm her in a sensory way, but yet she longed for her aunt to express love to her in a way that she could handle. Especially after the use of her squeeze machine, she began improving in her ability to express emotions and compassion to both people and animals. Being a master's graduate, I will probably have to hit the academic journals just to see what they say (expect part III of Jesus' Love has no bounds).

Apart from Mahari and Grandin's writings, I think of the line in Phil Whickham's song "Jesus Your Love has no bounds." I was reminded of that tonight as I prayed for the single-parent family. Did I know exactly what they needed? No. But I knew that God did. I know that He gives love and compassion beyond what I can do. Therefore, the most loving thing I could do is pray. And when the mom came home, I was able to chat with her to the best of my ability. She cried just having someone there, and it struck me that I was able to give to her. I am not suddenly devoid of being able to share love and concern just because I'm realizing that I might not always do it the typical way. This is 2 Corinthians 4:7. I am a broken jar in which God has filled with compassion and love beyond what I can hold. He tips me over, and it pours over and out - through the cracks also - but the promise is that God and not this little broken jar will be seen.

Jesus Your Love has no Bounds

Blogger notes: You know you're getting into some serious blogging when you realize, "Hey I have another blog! I have to update it." and you filter which thoughts go into which blog. Also note, I am updating these from 2 email addresses, hence why there seems to be two authors. Nope. Just me & myself haha! ;)


My roommate and I were blasting some worship music while we were cleaning and we were listening to Phil Whickham's "Jesus Lord of Heaven."

Your love is deeper / than any ocean
Higher / than the heavens
Reaches / beyond the stars in the sky

Jesus Your love has no bounds / Jesus Your love has no bounds


Oh yes, I wrote about this in my journal :)


from my journal
Jesus' love has no bounds. Even when we can't feel it perfectly - when sin gets in the way or our own development gets in the way. 


These thoughts continued
When we study emotional availability, a lot of kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) have difficulty responding to parents' love. But does that mean they can still feel love? Temple Grandin has written about how her difficulties in expressing love had caused others to withdraw from her, so she had that drive to feel that closeness somehow. After calming some of her sensory issues, she was more able to express / receive physical affection, and thus emotional affection.


Recently, I have wondered how to share the Gospel with people affected with ASD. I am growing in showing and receiving love and affection, but because of my past attachment and developmental history, I struggled in that area. Sometimes I find it is still hard to love a God that's both imminent and transcendent, yet has only appeared in physical form from 0 - 33AD. Yet, this song shows that it is Jesus who first shows His love to everyone - those with typical struggles and those with a bit more challenges. While we were all sinners He died for us. One of my dear friends compared trusting in Jesus to getting up out of what we were trusting in and sitting in His lap. What a cool analogy to share that is concrete and speaks to physical tactile needs! I must always trust in my own life and in others' that Jesus' love has no bounds!

Hope of a job, though not my ultimate hope

So, there might be a possibility of me getting a job working with adults with disabilities. I have to be careful though, that I do not make this my ultimate hope. Do I wait for the phone to ring for the formal interview? Yes. Do I get crushed if I don't get that call? No.

In the past, I have. My hope has jumped from job to job to job. However, now I am realizing that a job is a tool God uses to provide for me and for sending me into a mission field of the people that I interact with in that particular environment. This is probably the greatest paradigm shift that I have experienced during this lengthy job searching process. However, coming to the realization that my ultimate hope is not a title or place of employment, but in my Provider has refined and grown my faith in God and thus worth it.

Another year of His faithfulness

There's a Vicky Beeching song entitled Twenty-Six summers that speaks about God's faithfulness in her life. I'm 26 now (haha, old for The Rock, not so old everywhere else ;) ) I woke up hearing the birds chirping after 2 days of rain/cooler weather. It got me thinking: How has God been faithful to me in this past year of me being 25? I also asked that question because on my 25th birthday Mom came to celebrate my birthday with my team at The Quad :) I spoke of how God was faithful to me thus far in my life and I am trusting His faithfulness for that next year. Also, I have struggled with God's faithfulness as I discovered how walking in Luke 9 type obedience challenged me in where I held my security: in God or in the Creation.

So here goes my list of ways in which God has been faithful.

The supreme way He has been faithful is while I was still a sinner He died for me (Romans 5:8). I like a sheep had gone astray and sinned, but God took the punishment for that sin (Isaiah 53:5-6). I believed that Jesus was Lord and God raised Him from the dead, trusted in His sacrifice alone to remove my sin, and thus became new (Romans 10:8-9, Romans 4:5, 2 Corinthians 5:17)

1. Allowing me to finish my Master's thesis
2. Having my Team be there for me and allowing me to spend the night at Chelsea's instead of alone after my graduation night meltdown.
3. Giving me grace when I still had some internship coordination to do after Finals week since I somehow forgot some things :(
4. Allowing me to go on a last Summer Infusion to EL Paso, TX
5. Allowing me to lead a giant group of 6-7 year olds around at Sports Camp and providing another adult to help me :) :) :) :)
6. Providing TONS of examples of Godly families and changing my heart toward motherhood and having large families courtesy of the Nelson and Everhart families :) :) :)
7. Also providing numerous times to go swimming a) to get away from the 100+ degree heat and to swim with cute little people and my crazy Infusion Team people :)
8. Providing housing in the form of The Quad (4-plex where 12 Rock / Symbio women live)
9. PROVIDING AWESOME ROOMMATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :)
10. Providing a free bed in my room :)
11. Providing a desk for 2 DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12. Providing an example for me to follow in making my decision to go to Symbio.
13. Helping me grow more in contentment as a single person and trust in Him for marriage if that's His will :)
14. Allowing me to go through the Truth Project again so Truth sinks in this time.
15. Oh yes, and back to El Paso, allowing me to 'run away to Fort Collins' for a few days but then providing a way back thus helping me to see that where He wants me is where He wants me. End of discussion. Oh yes, and He used the Captured by Grace by Steele Croswhite CD to speak to me a lot :)
16. Providing an outreach opportunity even during those few days with a girl living in The Quad that I stayed with :)
17. Allowing me to nanny for a single-mom when I got back from El Paso
18. Allowing me to help a friend with her Thesis & share the Gospel with her before she went back to Thailand :)
19. Allowing me to help with babysitting for a women's Bible study at Summitview.
20. Providing for me in all 3 of those avenues :)
21. Also providing the Research Assistant and Call Center jobs.
22. Allowing me to grow closer to older women in Summitview through a Bible study and doing more for Biblical Femininity. Luke 9 really came true. Though in some ways I had to forsake my mom: her fears and her expectations (though I still do love her and we talk lots :) ), God has given me so many women to look up to :) Yay for my "Summitview moms" :)
23. Allowing me to be a coach in the Outreach Class :)
24. Preserving friendships even though my yuck in the flesh gets in the way
25. Providing interviews for jobs even though I haven't found where He wants me, He keeps on opening doors :)
26. Has allowed me to truly experience growing closer to Him through trials and as I give parts of my life that hurt to Him so He can be victorious.

:)
Psalm 145 by Shane and Shane: Sums up a lot of this year for me :) I am striving by God's grace to live it more :)


"One generation shall commend your works to another,
and shall declare your mighty acts.
On the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.
They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds,
and I will declare your greatness.
They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness
and shall sing aloud of your righteousness."

Psalm 145:4-7

Obedience through the generations (Jeremiah 35)

God is impressing upon me that my obedience now and trust in Him now affects not just me but the next generations. This often makes me go "!?!?!" in my head because so often I think of my own life and relationships in the present and do not have a long-term outlook on generations after me. That seems odd for someone involved in Children's Ministry, but mankind is still egocentric in varying degrees after the fall (Romans 3:23) I am no exception.


A while back I read Psalm 48. It is about God's protection over Zion. Verses 12 - 14 really hit me:Walk about Zion, go around her, number her towers, consider well her ramparts, go through her citadels, that you may tell the next generation that this is God, our God forever and ever. He will guide us forever.

God gave me that verse to remind me that as I trust Him for provision and continued protection, this lays the foundation for me to tell the next generation - my children if that is God's will, or children He places in my care at Summitview or elsewhere - that God is real. Allowing God to use me to instill trust in Him as provider in their little hearts will keep them trusting in Christ no matter what happens. It will be easier for them to face trials because they would know in Whom they trust, they will not be like me who is still prone to going to deep despair. Will they doubt or worry? Sure. It's human nature, but I pray they will be prone to doing that less often as I have. Furthermore, they will have confidence not in circumstance or even in parents or other supportive adults as much as they will have trust in the Everlasting God.


I was reminded of that yet again in Jeremiah 35. The Rechabites helped turn a temple of Baal into a toilet (not kidding check out 2 Kings 10:18-25. I laughed super-hard when I read that.) Their descendants were nomads outside Jerusalem and came into the city when they were threatened by the Babylonian army. Jeremiah used them as an example of a people who were loyal to God generation after generation. Therefore he told them that God promised that someone from their line would always be in the service of God. Wow. That's like God promising Spurgeon that someone in the next generation would always be in ministry or be a pastor forever and ever and ever and... etc. That also struck me like, "What!?! That's sooooooooo coooooooool!!!!!!!!"

"... to the house of the Rechabites Jeremiah said, “Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: Because you have obeyed the command of Jonadab your father and kept all his precepts and done all that he commanded you, therefore thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: Jonadab the son of Rechab shall never lack a man to stand before me.” Jeremiah 35:18-19 God saves by grace alone and what I firstly have to do is pray for God to grow my children / the future generations' faith so that they accept Christ since it is by faith alone that they are saved (Ephesians 2:8-9). God also reminded me that one way He would grow the next generation is by the example of the current one.

Lord help me obey You. Complete the good work in which You started. Help me remain in You so that You can bear much fruit and be an example to the next generation. I can't do it myself, but Your spirit can. Thank You for grace when I can't obey and the sure reward for when I do. Thank You for giving me a heart for the next generation to praise Your name so that they would be under Your protection for more of their development.