PTSD and Grief

So, for some really random reason, I'm thinking about the summer. Everyone else is too. But, for me, thinking about summer means thinking about last summer. I seriously think that I have some PTSD going on (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) due to that. As well as revisiting grief. So, both things that I've dealt on seperate occasions, I now am going to have to deal with them simultaneously. I would go into the UCC again, but I basically have all the tools I need to deal with grief and PTSD. I think some of methods of dealing with them are the same: Don't surpress what you feel, work thorugh it (or pray though it in my case) and make peace about it (which means, asking for God's hand and trusting that He will heal all of it.) It's not going to come overnight, and I'm sure I'll spiral down and freak out, but at least I know how to 'roll with the punches.'

But it's times like these that make me not enjoy being around in this fallen world. But I can't think that way because it will discourage me, and it's God who numbers my days, not I. So, I must tell myself to keep going, I have to think of things to do and what I do have to look forward to.

Here goes:

D - Team
RSS
School
Graduating
Finding a job - scary, but hey, it's something to look forward to
More ID conversations with people
Awesome pre - med friends
Awesome friends in general

It's interesting how God knows that when times get tough, I need His stregnth as well as a blessing He hasa planned for me to get through. Over winter break, when He knew things would get really hairy really fast, He gave me the John Morris lecture to look forward to - to keep in the back of my mind so I would get up another day if only to get myself closer to that lecture.

I know sometimes I think God's hand is too short to reach my mind or reach in and help me when I'm hurting, but my life is a testament of that assumption not being true. Thus, I look to Heaven, not so much as an escape from this world, but as a place where I'll be with my Savior, Father, Creator and Lord and where He shows me my life in His light, and my pain bathed in His glory.

Reporting live from the Chemistry Building II

WHen I started this post, I was in here to ask if my professor got that networking letter I had sent him, but he wasn't in his office. So I sat down and worked on my paper some more. That was on Monday. Today is now 3/10/06. I aasked him by e - mail if he got the document and he said he did.

Now, I'm going back in there to tell him about this article about evolution that I did a paper on since we discussed it earlier. I have this fear of going up there still. A part of me still sees him as this intimidating mean prof guy. In a way, that side of me was epxressed as a protecting factor to protect myself against other thoughts that were quite different, but needed to be kept hidden. So, both these lines of thinking have to be erased, replacing them with the thought that here is a lost soul that has been gifted with intellegence and the ability to teach. Here is a soul that God has poured out His blood to save, and is doing everything He can to reach him. This is a soul who, without acknowleging God as being real and being his Savior will be gone from God forever some day.

I was listening to a song on Way FM whose refrain goes, "You can't say that we are alone anyore / we are anything else / we are anything else / 'cause Love is here / 'cause Love is here / with me now." I thought about that a lot and it has been in my head all morning. The song's premise is that beecause Jesus came down as man, the separation or 'veil' between God and mankind has been torn and we can now enter into His Holy place via His Son's blood. I thought about it further and it could also mean that because there is so much evidence for God (Romans 1:20, the Flood etc.), we can't say we are alone because it is evident that He is with us.

That got me thinking: People have to believe that God is really there before they can place their trust in Him as their Savior. In this particular caase, my professor does not believe God is there. Which is why, I think, God is not letting ID be put far from the minds of the scientific community. God is showing His presence whether they like it or not.

Back to this: So why is it hard for me to talk to him about ID? Why is it so hard for me to keep the reality of God in the back of his mind, by bringing it up when God leads me to? Why? Am I afraid? Is it because I do not know truth? Maybe. I need to walk in that truth - that God wants him to know He is real, and He can use a broken person like me to do it.

Humanism makes me spew II (the rant)

So, I did a thing on my other blog that I deleted entitled "Humanism makes me spew." It was about how an article said that the problem to the solution of the void left by fatherlessness could be filled by just loving yourself. Yeah. Right :( Because I tried solving that problem by my own means, but only God could help me. So then we start again... Humanism makes me spew II

I just got done reviewing an article about how 'evolutionary psychology' could explain the need for the belief in the supernatural. Yeah right. All it showed that we are PROGRAMED, yes, I said PROGRAMED because were designed for our God whom we must all answer to....

I swear, humanism makes me spew because it just says that man is everything, and he is NOT. Man needs a savior because guess what guess what!!! We fell during the Fall. Oh, and guess what, the garden of Eden is really real. DID YOU GUYS HEAR ME???? IT'S REALLY REAL!!! And, Guess what, you guys! Your reduction to the supernatural to just this comfy feeling we have dishonors the HOLY GOD that made the UNIVERSE.

By the way, I'm ranting. I will post an update to this later, but right now I really just want to rant. Really badly. So, I'm ranting. I mean, if the supernatural was just a comfort to me, it would've all gone out the window when my two relatives died within 12 mos of each other. I would've given up. I would've gone atheist. But I know that there is solid evidence for God in Creation and in the historacity of the Bible, so to say that this is just a comfy fuzzy story we made up and had 'programmed by chance' in our brain is just CRAP. Just pure crap, and God knows it.

Thus ends my rant, and thus begins my next phase of study time :-/ Yay!

Going SQUIRRELY!!!!!

YES, this is my second post of the day. I was coming out of Braiden after eating delicious grub with Tim and Mike from RSS and I noticed a squirrel who was begging for food. Actually two of them were chasing each other down the side walk (I know, they were sooo cute!) and one stopped like, "Hey! A college student that just got out of Braiden's dining hall! I'll stand up and beg for food - like this - and make those big eyes - like this and raise my paws to make her go 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.'" Then this guy came along and said, "Yeah, the squirrels are begging again." We talked about how they ate during the summer when there weren't as many students willing to give them a piece of a bagel, pizza, candy bar, etc. when they begged. I remarked that I thought the squirrels got a bit skinnier during the summer. He laughed and I went to class.

Today I was thinking about how the squirrels are starting to rely on us students to give them food. They were created to eat nuts and berries - foods that would give them amino acids and the correct vitamins that they needed. Instead they're living off of pizza crusts, Kit Kat bars, and Gibbs Bagels which are tasty to humans in regular amounts, but in garbage - bag fuls could have adverse affects. What if a whole new generation of squirrels born this spring (because in the spring is when all baby animals are born, right??) was taught by their parents how to beg for food from us college students? They would never learn to eat the berries and nuts they were designed to eat. A whole generation will have deviated from what it was designed to be.

Now, this stuff about the squirrels isn't just me talking about cute squirrels because they're cute - and - cute - but, it's about us and God. God designed us for Himself and to use the world to reflect Him and to desire things that would reflect Him and that He could satisfy. But we get up on our hind legs, bug out our eyes and hold out our hands to the world for stuff - for clothing, gadgets, relationships, fame, etc. I've been guilty of doing this too. But I and others have tasted the 'nuts and berries' the pleasures that only God could provide and have had our needs satisfied by God alone. We still pick the occasional 'crust' from this world off the ground to enjoy, but we know that it is not our primary satisfaction. Further more, I hope and pray that we as future parents or professionals or members of the larger Church family will teach the next generation how to find the berries and nuts - how to find the pleasures of God. Because God has taught us, we will teach them how He has designed them to live.

Aslan's water or Turkish Delight

I was walking around campus when suddenly I had a thought about the Lion Witch and the Wardrobe (LWW) novel series and movie. A thought came to me about how Edmund asked for Turkish Delight from the White Queen of Narnia. He took a bite and continued to eat ravenously. Soon Turkish Delight was all that he could think about. The Queen promised him more if he returned to Narnia with the rest of the Pensive children (Peter, Susan, and Lucy).

In another book in the series called the Dawn Treader, several new characters and the little mighty mouse (Yeah!) Reechicheep sail around beyond Narnia and eventually are called to sail out of the world and as close as Aslan's country as they can get. Once they move beyond the known world, they start to drink the water that appears to come directly from Aslan's country. They find that they only need a small amount for it to satisfy them, and it appears to be part of the reward for seeking Aslan's country. It is also sweet which is not a property of water found anywhere.

There are some real differences between the Turkish Delight offered by the queen and the water from Aslan's country. Turkish Delight is something anyone in Narnia using the right ingredients could make and give to Edmund. In the movie, the queen appeared to conjur it from out of nowhere, but it was still a product of the world they were in. Turkish Delight didn't satisfy Edmund. It only left him for the desire to want more. This desire led to him playing foul with his siblings which made him forsake the brotherly nature that was in him. The queen did not give Edmund the Turkish Delight out of her own goodwill (in the movie, one can find no mercy in her), but as a tool to satisfy her own glory.

In contrast, Aslan's water is something that went beyond Narnia or the world any of the travelers had known. It was always present, but the travellers had to find it. The water itself was not what they were seeking, but it was Aslan. Therefore, the water came as a result of seeking Aslan. It quenched them better than even their own water back home. This water also allowed them to look into His country more, so they were not decieved by it, but their eyes were opened.

In this same way, how often do we eat Turkish Delight instead of seek the sweet water from the country beyond our own? Satan may feed us a small bit of Turkish Delight - enough that we can smell it, but if we own it and take it from him, we only want more. We decieve ourselves, and we seek only that Delight instead of something bettter. But when we drink of the water from the
living God, we are immediately quenched. We are unblinded, and we begin to seek Him - the source of the water instead of just merely the water itself. Being satisfied with something that is beyond this world only comes from seeking the One who is set apart from it, the One who created it, and the only One who can restore it and ourselves.

The depths

I am in the depths of the Library. (In the basement.) I was studying for the MCAT and studying the subject I have to teach everyone else. Just so happens that this subject reminds me of one great weakeness and reminds me of how that was exposed. I'm identifying a whole bunch with certain people associated with my weaknesses. I'm being vauge because I have to be - sorry to any readers.

So, I drew nearer to God. By going to a biochemistry site. Seeing everything else I was studying showing up right there in Creation helped me reconnect. I cried out, "Oh, God, You are my God, Earnestly I seek You!" My heart was satisfied. Yes, amino acids could be produced in a flask, but it was God who spoke the atoms into existence, God who spoke the molecules into life and action. I know because I trust His word and science validates that.

I pull myself out of the depths of the flesh - of thoughts that were threatening to consume me as I studied. But I ran to God and let Him hold me instead.

:)

Praise God :)

Bearing by prayer, the unequal yoke

Introduction


Today Mitch at Summitview gave a message on the foundations of marriage. Most of the stuff, I knew. Other stuff I didn't know such as how intense the spiritual battle over it was. That was interesting because I think Mitch is a Revalations guy where John is a Genisis guy. I would've had a Biology / ID lesson with John teaching it :) Anyway, at the end, all the married people had to write on index cards what stuff they had to work on, and us single (The Rock) people were supposed to pray for them. Stephen, Taylor, and I passed back the index cards from our row because we didn't need them. We told the couple behind us to pass them around. That little gesture was cool because we were helping them participate in Mitch's activity by giving them the cards because we didn't need them.

Anyway, we started praying and suddenly, it was laid on my heart to pray for any unequally yoked marriages at Summitview.


Background

No, I have never married or dated a non - believer. Physically. But there are some that I have dated in my mind's eye. When Abba Father said, 'Stop bringing these guys into My presence (Rom 12:1)' Yeah. So, that stopped. But when I had to mentally separate myself from the images and thoughts I had of these guys, the hurt was still there. However, God ended up being 'more than enough' for me :)


Back to the present time

I consider myself lucky. Very lucky. When God got on my case, instead of running away from Him and nursing my own 'soft spots' in my heart for people, I ran to Him in tears because I knew that I was doing something wrong and was sorry. I kicked and screamed and cried as He pried these thoughts and images of these people out of my heart and replaced them with Himself. (Open heart surgery if done by God really hurts. The Sword that pierces bone and marrow really hurts, but it heals nonetheless).

I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt that may be felt by brothers and sisters in Christ who are unequally yoked and who have given their whole heart - yes, even their whole selves to a non - believer. They either came to Christ after that union, or pursued that union against the wisdom and the pleadings of their Savior and Lord. Sure, I can try to imagine it, but to have that be my reality would be unbearable.

Yet, God used that when I prayed this morning. God took that pain and, using His spirit inside of me(Rom 8), interceeded for His children that are suffering within this yoke, interceeding for their comfort and asking for their love to be poured at Jesus' feet so their nonbelieving spouses could see Christ through them.

Oh, God, even now, even after I Googled several testimonies of unequally yoked people, I still could never imagine that I ever longed for it. Yet I can't even imagine that being my reality. So, I pray again for my brothers and sisters at Summitview who have this yoke as their reality. I pray you comfort them and maybe evne lead them to these sites or each other so they can recieve fellowship and not be alone. I pray that Mitch and John and Rob and everyone will welcome them in and not judge them for their yoke. God, I know You work all things out for the good, and for Your glory, and I pray that these people see that, and walk in that truth. Amen.