Wonderful Maker

So I'm studying Biochemistry and I made a diagram of all the pathways of the catabolism of the main macromlecules (how the cell breaks down different types of food :) and it's just cool seeing how it was put together and just knowing and believing that God put it together.

This semester I got to see God's sovereignty, sometimes walk in it, and I realized that all aspects of Him just came together - if He could not fail in His plan for Biochemistry, He could not fail in His plan for each day. If He sustained Creation - even if it's a fallen Creation, He can sustain my heart and soul, even if both are caught up in grief, worry, or desires. If He has redeemed and will re - create this Creation, He has redeemed and will renew my heart day by day. Knowing this, I can surrender my heart, my day, my worries and grief, and everything to this Wonderful Sovereign Creator and Savior.

"What a wonderful Maker/ what a wonderful Savior / how majestic Your whispers / how humble Your love / with a stregnth like no other / and a heart of a Father / How majestic your whispers / What a wonderful God." (lyrics by who else - Chris Tomlin!)

Not to me but to His name be the glory

First of all, kudos to Chris Tomlin for his awesome lyrics skills because that's where half my lyrics quotes come from.

So, I had this wild n' crazy idea that I would flyer both the BC351 sections with flyers that gave examples of how stuff could have had to be designed and then the implications of those findings.

I ended up doubting a whole bunch of stuff:

whether Scott meant Chem A101 or A103 when he said Chem A101, whether I put the flyers right - side up - which actually I didn't for 1 stack in my room :( and just that people would even notice them. I hope at least some did.

Anyway, I have had to keep my armor up all day. Seriously all day because - yeah. I woke up doubting stuff and I had to battle with myself on whether I should even flyer the 8:00 class because I wanted to go to the Rec center. Riiight.

So, even though I'm writing this as though I handled everything, it was really God. No, seriously, it was really God. He gave me the idea and the guts to do it, and He has helped me fight back every doubt (which were many and re - curring) and just allowed me to grit my teeth and do it.

in other news

I'm running off of 5 hours of sleep which is very rare for me. This is due to seeing the midnight showing of the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. Yay movie! I am also fasting because Branden Pullen said to do so before Worship Night which is tonight. So I am also running off glycogen and fatty acids. 3 or 4 or 5 cheers to The Great Biochemist (aka God).

River of the Living God

this is an e - mail I sent to massive amounts of people

Hi everyone! I wanted to share an experience I had just now with you all and I would like to know what you think if you want to write back. I just got back from a Stress Management program presented by the UCC where we went over some relaxation stuff and re - thinking bad thoughts stuff.

What's interesting is that at the end, the person that was leading the program led us in a visualization excercise where we visualized ourselves by a river that had leaves falling into it. The person said, "Let these leaves become those thoughts of worry and let them fall in to the river and let them just float away." Suddenly it hit me: The City where the River of Life flowed from the Throne of God... The River whoose source was Jesus and which is accessed through the acceptance of His blood. I closed my eyes and bowed my head and have those thoughts I'd been having to the River. The Point of Grace rendition of 'Shall we gather at the river' came into my head.

When the visualization excercise was completed, the UCC person asked us what we experienced. I shared that the river became the River that flowed from God and that I could give all my thoughts to God. The UCC person said, "Well, that might not work for everyone seeing as not everyone believes in God or thinks of Him in that personal way, but for you it worked." I knew it worked, but I was sad that she said it couldn't work for everyone, because if one seeks, one shall find - it's promised in the Bible. And I know people that have sought out God or asked for His presence and He was faithful. It worked for me because the visualization took me out of my mind and into the presence of my Ceator, Savior, and God.

Happy Post-Thanksgiving!

Borrowed that from Edwin -The Ghost Blogger. Anyway, yeah, Thanksgiving was cool. I typed up a 100 things that I'm thankful for - something that Abra did last year :) and realized that a little over one third of it is purely praises to God and I know that all the other things are His blessings. Mom looked at the list and was like, "I'm number FIVE???" I think she was kinda dissapointed :( but, I told her that the first four were just about one Person, and she was like, "Oh." I don't know if she'll read it. She asked me what I was writing and I told her and she wanted to see it. At first I was like, "Whoa. She's going to be like 'what?!' when she sees how much I talk about God." Then I realized that I have to have that courage to just 'live out loud' like the Stephen Curtis Chapman song. So, I gave her the list and I think she kinda looked at it. It's so weird how I can live out my faith just fine around my fellow Believers, but it takes a bit more courage among non - believers because I know I might get shamed or something around them. But I do it because God wants me to and He will get glory and it's His way of showing that He is real.

God has been faithful with Biochemistry

So there was this one post called "Thank God I'm taking Biochemistry." that I wrote in July. The class is almost over, but here are some cool things that came out of it:

1. I'm in it with 2 awesome girls: Suda who I met in Lory Apartments and Audrey who was in PH121 and 122 with me; I pray I get to share with them sometime this year

2. I got to discuss, at least a little bit, intellegent design and the metabolic cycle with my professor. We're studying lipids, so that conversation can possibly continue.

3. I saw God was sovereign in the most intricate details of things which was most supercool!

4. That reassurance helped me through my friend getting briefly really sick as well as continued to help me with my 'chronic faith struggles' about other things.

5. It's just cool. Even though it can be hard. It's still cool.

6. Arrow - pushing is kept to a bare minimum. (Hooray!)

7. Another D - Team member is taking Biochemistry and has helped me with it - if you are that person, THANKS! :)

8. And it really has helped me partially review for the MCAT!

Practice, He perfects

Right. I'm trying to put my faith into practice, mainly my faith about how God's has Awesome Creation Skills.... ok ok... you can stop laughing... stop... laughing... ok, laugh whenever you feel like...GOSH! Anyway, I'm talking to 2 people about this issue that don't believe in God as Creator. It's interesting because I can be so fluent and go on and on without hinderance when I'm around my Creationist nerdy pre - med friends, but around these guys, I have to be careful about what I say and / or I worry whether I say the right thing. But I think God's just glad that I'm talking to people about this outside my Creationist circle because it glorifies Him and I see that. As I start to talk to non - Christians about this, my faith in God the Creator is stregnthening, and my faith in a God who speaks through me is also stregnthening. :)

The God Model

So HDFS majors are crazy about models. There's a developmental model (yay Piaget!) and a model analyzing grief and a model for analyzing unequitable marriages and a model for analyzing... ok, hopefully you get the idea even if you are not an HDFS major.

For the past four years, I have analyzed my childhood and family structure through various different models and theories. I know no one can fit or come up to scratch with one model perfectly. No matter what model I analyze through, I see deficits and I see those deficits having ramifications later on. But then one of my professors said that even with some deficits I described, I had recieved that need or fulfilled that task in some way.

I then realized that there was one overarching model. The God model. I was always struck by the part of the song in Father Let Me Dedicate that said, "Can a child presume to choose / where or how to live//Can a Father's love refuse / all the best to give/" because I know that not all children including myself lived in a completely healthy family, and some children lived in really terrible conditions. So, of course, it goes back to the "How can a loving God allow..." type questions.

Today I saw the answer: When a child comes out of a family - healthy or otherwise - and enters into God's family, he or she starts to see things from and analyze his or her life using the God model where their weaknesses were overcome by God's stregnth, and they see that God was there giving them blessings and holding them through their pain. God was also the one to give them new life or keep their hearts softened through it all so that His spirit would minimize any negative effects of unhealthy patterns of development and parenting. God and the members of His body take in that person and renew the person through His spirit and by fellowship.

One can only analyze things through the God model because God opens people's eyes. One can only be freed through the God model because only God can give them that new life.

Can a child presume to choose
Where or how to live?
Can a Father's love refuse
all the best to give

let my glad heart while it sings
Thee in all proclaim

This alone shall be my prayer
Glorify Thy name

Be glorifed in me
Be glorified
Be glorified in me
Be glorified

got pushed back, got pushed back... waaaaaay back

Yeah, that's a spin off from the football cheer "Push 'em back, push em' back waaaaaaaay back! (GO RAMS!)" but yeah. So I was thinking I'd be brave and tell Mom, "Hey guess what! I might go to India!" Instead it was, "Uh... Mom? So, my group was thinking about going to India... Ok, you don't think it's such a great idea... ok. Yeah. Me neither. Yeah. No, I'm not dissapointed. Well. Bye." It's one of those, "But I just want Mom to be happy." moments. I don't live just to please Mom, but I try not to do things she doesn't want me to do. The India mission trip is one of them.

So I was thinking back on that and then last night I ended up loosing sleep over it, but I ended up getting distracted with the files of KT's Random Thoughts rather than praying about everything.

So I feel like I got pushed back, but maybe not waaaaaay back. Which is good. But I know the battle for what I am going to do about this whole thing is begun and I need to fight. Hard.

Supernatural Health

What is a pre - med Christian to do when he or she is involved in a discussion where one of his or her friends asserts that illness, especially mental illness is caused by demon possession or some other force of Satan or maybe God humbling the person with the illness? What are they to do when their 300 level classes and their general biology classes would clearly point to biological causes at the roots of some of these issues? And what is a pre - med to do when envoking the medical model may be to some, an invalidation of the power of God?

I have asked myself these questions for three years. Before going off into the crazy world of medical school, I would like to have figured out these questions at least partially. I need to know if only holding onto the medical model where every disease including mental illness has a biological cause, if I should take each case on an individual basis and determine what's going on, or if I should change my assumptions completely.

The trouble with assuming illnesses have a strong supernatural component is that one may pray instead of seek medicine or other forms of treatment which may make the illness worse and cause more harm. If I become a doctor, I will probably see patients and friends that appear to have a medical problem but not seek treatment because they see it as a supernatural problem. Then I would have a choice: I could tell them as their friend or as their physician that they have a legitimate medical problem. However, they may not believe me or discredit me saying I have a lack of faith or belief in the reality of the supernatural. The other choice I have would be to honor their belief and pray for them if they asked me to. However, I feel I would not be doing my duty as a physician if I ignored their condition.

Mier, Mier, Pants on FIRE

So this is from my other blog that I usually don't share with a whole bunch of people. However, I am re - blogging an entry off of there onto here because I feel like it...gosh! And I think it's important.
The Original Blog
I can't believe I have not blogged on Mier yet. Alas, biochemistry tests come first, ranting - a clos second! (Sorry, ranting buddy, I like Biochemstry - we don't even have to try 'synthesizing our way out of a paper bag...') Anyway, Mier...

There's a saying, "Open your mouth, insert your foot - well, Bush's foot may well be down past his laryinx - maybe down to the bronhial tree. Either way, he's not only put his foot in his mouth, he's suffocated himself with it. So, what's the fuss? I wrote an opinion article to the Rocky Mountain News (that I don't know if it got published) that I deleted without ever thinking: crap! I could put it on the blog! Oh well. Anyway, I basically said that some articles and her work experience makes her an unlikely candidate for the Supreme Court. It will seriously gag me if Bush gets the Senate or anyoone else to nominate her.

It's like making me Chief of Pediatrics having only (almost) graduated with a Human Development and Family Studies degree, an average score on the MCAT and a decent GPA. I'm several large skips and a jump away from being a doctor, much less Chief of Pediatrics of anything. Mier is a lawyer. But she's a few large steps away from being a judge, much less Supreme Court Judge. So it just makes absolutely no sense.
Seeing as this sheds light on Bush's decision making skills is way WAY WAY scary...

I read other articles and all we know is that she's against abortion and... well, against abortion... and Christian. A lot of the articles in the Rocky Mtn. News focused on James Dobson. Yes, The Dob. So he supports Mier's nomination, but is kinda like, "God give me a sign. A reeeeeeeeeally good sign that she's The One."

But I thought about Philipians 2 or 1 or whatever we read that talked about spiritual gifts and talents and everything. Being a Supreme Court judge isn't a spiritual gift per se but I think that God would've chosen someone with the skills to do it right. I know people have done crazy stuff with no formal training at all - Paul speaking and writing 1/2 of the Bible, Moses leading a whole nation, but those are really rare. I just don't see it working with Mier. She could be doing a great job hanging out at the White House and serving people there. That's just fine and I'm sure she's great at what she does.

But it's really annoying when Bush acts like an airhead and makes decsions like this on the fly that completely go against logic. It's just fodder for non - Christians to say that all we as Christians do is make decisions on faith and not use our brain cells and (the worst insult) rely on faith for things because we don't have 2 functioning brain cells to rub together. That makes me mad beyond mad... That's an insult to academically astute Christians everywhere and makes it harder for us to reason with people who just think (because of the Christian airheads) that we're relying on faith alone because we can't use logic.

As an afterthought: sorry for the rant if you've never seen the ranting side of me... actually, I won't appologize for the inttensity of my rant, but if I said anything that you disagree with, feel free to write me back and we can disscuss it intellegently...

A Christmas without pain

So, right... one may wonder why I'm writing about Christmas so soon. It's because some girls from my floor were down in the music room. One girl was playing on the piano, and the rest of us were listening and singing along. We were playing Christmas songs because one girl really likes Christmas. She works at Old Navy and is going to decorate all day the 28 and 29th of this month. Everyone was so excited, but I started to feel sad because my uncle died Dec 22 of last year and now my grandpa won't be there. Jen started playing Hark the Herald Angels Sing and we got to the part where it goes, "Joyful all ye nations rise / Join the triumph of the skies / With angelic
hosts proclam / Christ is born in Bethlehem." I thought of the sermon I listened to in Monika and Liz's room about the judgement for Christians in Heaven, but I focused on the 'worshiping in Heaven' componet of the sermon. Then I started to feel joy even though I was sad.

One Christmas, we will all be in Heaven. We might do the slightly corny 'Happy Birthday
to Jesus' song that we sang in Sunday school (or led kids in singing if we didn't go to Sunday school as kids.) Then we'll just worship like crazy and party down because it's our Savior's birthday. And everyone will be there. We won't have to worry if people aren't going to make it to the good eats due to car trouble, weather, flight cancelations, deaths in the family, etc. I don't know if it will be snowy or what, but it will be cool. For every Christmas we all go through that's painful, we will seriously have a million more full of just pure joy. Now that's something to get excited about!

Everyone's Sick =(

I have a whole bunch of my friends that are sick: one is recovering from surgery, one has foot problems, one has a cold, one has the stomach flu, one has anxiety / depression, and I am dealing with bereavement and that 'fractured mind' thing. As a friend, I'm sad all of us are sick. As a pre - med, I pray that everything is done in the medical establishment's power to make us all better. And as a Believer in Christ, I can still see my friends cling to the Great Physician and Savior as they deal with everything. He gives us all grace to still serve, still have conversations with nonbelievers, and still seek the face of God and worship.

The title of my blog is Spiritual Equilibrium. As Christians, we are in equilibrium with our flesh and the spirit of God that dwells within us. It can shift depending on our eviornment, but most importantly the state of our hearts - wether we let Him hold them wether we're sick or well, fractured or whole. I see in my friends that their physical or psychological condition may predispose them to let their flesh overcome them. They all recognize the reality of their illnesses and are seeking the medical resources to deal with them, but they are not shutting out their hearts for God. As their biological systems and doctors rebuild their flesh, they rejoice, if there are setbacks, they still rejoice because they know the soveriegnty of their Creator.

on being short

I'm in the Industrial Sciences computer lab as I write this. I'm on this swivelly office chair that can go up and down. Since the table's high and the computer screen is higher, I'm sitting on the chair pushed all the way up. Meaning my feet don't touch the floor... This makes me feel way short...

10 reasons I think God made me short

1. God was saving up Growth Factor for this kid at my high school who's about 7 ft tall.
2. I don't intimidate kids as easily in Children's Ministry because I'm so short.
3. When my body wasn't getting enough nutrients, God was routing all the nutrients to my brain instead of the rest of my body.
4. I'm so short I can pass for a freshman even though I'm a senior and still in the dorms. Advantage: I don't get made fun of or feel old.
5. When we all have to cram in someone's car for Small Group, I am 'squishable.'
6. I can squeeze by people in the Clark building lecture hall benches to get that seat in the center of the front row.
7. Because He felt like it... gosh
8. Four letters: A,T,C, and G
9. So I'll always stay humble and need to ask people to help me: "Could you reach... for me?"
10. He's trying to tell the world He can put a lot of power in a little jar if the little jar lets Him...

Any other additions, comments, questions, comments welcome!

Fractured mind solid soul

This whole school year has been ups and downs. I've had a lot to go through, and at the UCC, the conunselor said that my mind was just having a rough time with it. She thinks that some of the stuff is locked away in what I call a seperate file cabinet that is hard to get at and in a sense my mind is split between the realities of daily life now and having to navigate that 'file cabinet of stuff' that contains these past 12 month's trials, but some may go way back.

Anyway, if my mind is split between these things, my soul is still solid. I remember even in the middle of these trials, I was able to reach for God and praise Him for who He is. It's like my brain is restless and fractured because of all this, but because God restores my soul, that has remained whole.

Whatever way you look at it it's all the Humanistic Perspective

I was being a nerd (surprise surprise) this morning and I was surfing the 'net' from the companion website for my Abnormal Psych textbook. The American Psychological Association (APA) website has a site relating to the general public's psychological needs. There's articles about resilience and post - traumatic strees relating to Hurricane Katrina. I checked those out to see what use they could be.

I looked at their help sections and mostly it was this:
1. Put it it perspective
2. Find stregnth within yourself
3. Find stregnth within friends
4. Find stregnth within 'spirituality' -- I know, I know, don't get me
started...
5. Achieve personal growth from it.

Personal growth?? What does that mean? People would say 'it helped me become a better person.' Ok... Right. A better person? More compassionate? I guess.

But what about those that have another Person acting within us? This Sunday there was a message about being filled with the Spirit which was the identifying feature of someone who is a Christian. Could 'personal growth' for us translate into 'Growth in the Spirit?' YEAH!!!!!!! When I realize that I need God - when He gets me to a place where I am crying and clinging to His Word - sometimes literally - I have sat on my
bed and held my Bible like it was my favorite stuffed animal and cried and cried. I reach out and He fills me with His comfort and His peace. Then I learn to give the situation to Him and He fills me with compassion and stregnthens my faith. It's all Him. My part is to yield to Him. It's radically different than anything the APA brochures say. I don't fill myself. God fills me. My friends including believers in Christ support and encourage me allowing me to pray with them so God can do His work.

No, my future colleauges in the HDFS world and APA, it's not about 'me - me -
me and my growth.' It's about 'God - Abba - Lord - Savior and His power,
stegnth, sovereingty and Spirit.'

Not Forsaken (Ps 27:10)

So one of my friends that was a former CSU Ram sent me this story about some kids in New Orleans that were neighbors and banded together to walk to saftey and were later reunited with their parents. It was really interesting to read especially since yesterday I read Psalm 27 for my quiet time. :) The verse, "Though my father and mother forsake me,the Lord will recieve me." touched me because I was adopted and this new story added more meaning to the verse.

I was abandoned at birth by my biological parents. I beliee then that's when the Lord stepped in and took care of me. I was born jaundice and so I could've developed liver problams or my Hepatitis B could've remained as a full stregnth disease instead of it going dormant like it has stayed for the past 20 years. He also took care of me in the health arena by not havimg me suffer much damage from having meningitis and the measles while in the Philippines.

When I was united with my mom through adoption, she tells this really cool story about how when she picked me up to hold me at the airport, I just gave her this gigantic hug and she says that I held on for 5 - 10 minutes before she was able to pull me back to see my face. Looking at that from that verse, it was like I sensed God had promised me a real mother to take care of me, raise me, and introduce me to His word and Him, and when I finally met Mom, that huge hug was probably my response to God possibly saying, "I am always faithful. I have been faithful to the promise I made to you."

For these kids in New Orleans, their apartment building could've been the one that was completely submerged or they could've been stranded, but they managed to be taken out by helicopter. Even though they were seperated from their parents, the lead child was given wisdom far beyond his years which allowed him to lead the others to safety. All along the way they could've gotten stuck in a riot, or they could've been stuck in the crowd and not made it to the authorities, but I think God was just leading them to saftey. He also put in place the volunteers at the Boys and Girls club where they stayed until their parents came for them.

God is alwyas faithful.

HDFS Spirituality - in tune with the Spirit or not??

Recently in the HDFS literature and during a conversation with my HDFS advisor, the term Spirituality was used. In both cases it seemed to be defined as the way one makes meaning out of one's life instead of a certain belief system. In both cases it seemed to be more acceptable than 'religion' which I think many in the HDFS department define as a strict standard of beliefs / moral codes originating or inspired by a divine being.

Here's more on the definition and the implications of what I call 'HDFS Spirituality.' an except of an e - mail pertaining to thit topic:
I looked in the dictionary and spirituality is defined as pertaining to a church or the spiritual demension or spirits. It pertains to something outside our world or something that connects us to something higher.

But some people in the HDFS world have made it a term to refer to a more humanistic notion of making meaning out of THIS world instead of connecting to something beyond. Of course we as Christians can make meaning of this world but it is only through engaging with God by prayer and reading his world. Anyone can follow the HDFS spirituality. If one can make sense of the world with God or not, one has attained the goal of spirituality. If one has a set of ideas that may or may not be truth, but one finds them to work, one has attained that notion of spirituality.

So, to the question: Is HDFS Spirituality in tune with the Spirit or not? The definition doesn't acknowledge Christ as author and perfector of one's faith as well as one's Savior and Guide, so one would say that the quick answer is no. But does HDFS Spirituality include Christianity? That answer is yes. Because Christianity by giving us the mission of spreading the Gospel gives us meaning to our life and God's Word helps one make sense of the world around us. But I believe Christ and the Spirit is grieved when His word and His teachings are lumped with other 'religious teachings' and given a humanistic twist.

The storm and a rainbow

I just got really really "warm fuzzies" from God :) I'll explain: Some girls on my floor were running down the hall shrieking that they were going to play in the rain. I went outside and indeed it was raining. I looked to the east of Newsom (north side) and saw a rainbow - a HUGE double rainbow!!!!!!! The rain was coming down hard, but the rainbow was just all bright and shiny!! The rain was coming down, but I could look overr and see the rainbow which is a sign of His hope and His promises

It was like God telling me it was ok. There's a major storm in my life right
now that's been blowing for close to 12 months. Two relatives of mine have
passed away and I found out that a third one has cancer. I'm also saddened by
the natural disaster that has been literally wiped away 1000's of lives. The
storm will blow, and I'm in the middle of it and I'm crying and sad but God's
like that rainbow that's there not just when the storm is over, but when the
storm is raging

I ran around the grassy area and had my hands in the air with one word going through my mind "Halleluiah." Then I just got down on my knees and looked at
the rainbow all the time thinking, "God is still good. God is still good. God
is still worthy of praise."

Halleluah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Race, SES, madness and Katrina

<i> I wrote this e - mail to 2 HDFS professors. </i>

Hi guys! I was mulling over some thoughts in the last few
days about race, SES, and how that all fit into the anarchy around Hurrican
Katrina especially in New Orleans. I thought you two would be interested
especially since you are both in the FAIR project.

I was able to put together these ideas coherantly during a conversation with
my mom in which I gave her rationale - not justification - for the anarchy
that has ensued. Her comment was, "I don't like how they are turning
everythign into race. 'Just because we're poor and black, the government
didn't help us.' Well, the government is doing the best they can, and nothing
excuses the looting and murdering that is going on." <-- that was Mom's
comments.

Here is my rationale: From a classmate in HD332 I learned that 30 - 40% of
people in New Orleans are at or below the poverty line. They also seem to be a
large population of people with a minority status. With that in mind, some may
have a resentment toward the larger society due to their SES and ethnicity.
The hurricane and flooding struck causing them this unexpected trauma and they
must be angry about that - loosing their house and their relatives. So they
may be angry at that for happening, and then that underlying anger spills over
as they engage in violence.

Then I said, "It doesn't make it easier - and I know what you mean by you wish
they would stop. I do too. I want them to see that they're making the
situation worse and they are causing so much more suffering, and it's just
getting worse and I feel so helpless about it all..." You guys, I was just
bawling over the phone. Stuff like this hurts. No matter what the sociologists
and us as HDFS majors and social psychologists do to make sense of it
academically, it still hurts. Hearing about it hurts, and knowing that other
people are hurting their friends and neighbors instead of bonding together in
a time of crisis makes everyone want to cry.

Well, that's a little insight from me. Comments are appreicated :)

Katie

The molecules cry out!

I'm procrastinating from doing my homework. My HD332 homework that is. Oh - yeah, for those of you that don't know what HD332 is that's the class entitled Death Dying and Grief which is a required class for the Human Development and Family Studies major. I think I'm getting through that class by the grace of God. It's only offered in the fall semester, so I have to take it now to graduate in May.

This post however, concerns ANOTHER class which is Biochemistry. Yes, my last pre - med class I will have to take :) It's cool. Way cool. Because so far it's review of General Chemistry and Organic Chemistry which makes it easier. And because I see God's hand everywhere. There is this other post I had on my other blog about how the molecules cry out that there is a Creator even though some people that study them say that there is no God. Anyway, a few days ago, I was reading my Biochem book and I started singing to God:

You are the only one I need
I bow all of me at your feet
I worship You alone

You have given me all that
I could ever have wanted
and I want to give You
my heart and my soul

You alone are Father and
You alone are good and
You alone are Savior and
You alone are God

It's like the molecules on the page were singing out to God because - well they reflected Him and then the Spirit inside of me stirred and I started singing :) It's like the song Beautiful One:

Beautiful One I love you
Beautiful One, I adore
Beautiful One, my soul must sing

Anyway, I thought that was kinda cool. :)

The next post from Ft. Funness!

Ok ok,,, so I have that first post going and I totally forgot how to blog it
from e - mail, but I think I got it :) Which is good because when I'm at work
- my computer lab op job, I can just blog from this. Yeah! So it kinda makes
me look like I'm doing legit work hee hee!

Well, school's been fun. Biochem's been fun too. And in HD332 us Christians
get an opportunity to sorta - kinda - consicely share the gospel with our
instructor! Which is cool...

a new post woo hoo!

This a test... of the awesomely kwl - post via. e - mail system thingie....

Advantages of post via e - mail

1. anytime posting
2. it's cool
3. It makes you seem all high - techy
4. And when you're checking your e - mail and you think, "Whoa! I should
BLOG!" you can just... blog!
5. And it's just neato.

Return to The Fort

Yes, that's right.... I'M BACK IN FT. COLLINS! With High Speed Internet! wooo hoooo!!!!! :) Yay!

Ok, well, what should I write about for the 1st post? It's taken a looong time to get the dorm in tip - top ... uh, I mean, habitable conditions. Roomie doesn't mind (thank you roomie!) but, I can't sleep on 1/2 of my bed due to a buncha stuff being on it. Oh well. I'm 5ft tall, I'm squishable. I think it's taken a long time because I've been in a daze for like 3 days. Because of everything with Grandpa :( Whoa... it's been like 2 weeks - WEEKS, not days like I almost wrote - it's like my Ft. Collins life from July 31 and back happened to someone else, not me. Like a different me came back to Ft. Collins and the old one went - somewhere and still has the old Ft. Collins memories. Well, that's not exactly true because I remember some of what happened this summer, but in a very distant way.

Ok, well, yeah. I'm going to bed now.

Concerned thoughts about Someone...

Note, I can't refer to this Someone by name because... well... because. Also, anyone who wishes to leave comments, e - mail me!!

This Sunday (8/7/05) Peter Jennings died of lung cancer. Last week (8/1/05) my grandpa died of pneumonia. On December 22, 2004 my uncle RG died of lung cancer.

Peter Jennings admitted his cancer was caused by cancer. He found out in April. I thought of two people: my uncle and this other person who had lost a parent to a smoking related illness. Peter Jennings died at age 67. This other person's parent died at age 67.

When Peter Jennings died, I thought of my uncle. The fresh grief I had about Pa was there, but the grief I had for my uncle suddenly became fresh as well. But I also thought of that other person - that someone I knew who lost his parent. I wondered how he was doing. I wanted to be with him wherever he was and talk to him to see if he was doing ok. I maybe also wished that we could talk so I could tell him that my grief was re - opened on top of this new wound.

Maybe because my grief was re - opened, I thought his would be as well. If so, maybe being together talking it out would help us both re - close it. Maybe just being around this person would help me with my new grief.

With that said, I e - mailed him to tell him that I was thinking of him and shared what I was thinking about Peter Jenning's death. I just told him it made me think of my uncle and that it should pound into people's heads that smoking will kill them. Do I wish for a reply? Yeah. Do I think I'll get a reply? Maybe. Do I think it may help? Dunno. Do I want it to? Yeah. Do I think it helped him? I don't know - I hope so. I really hope so. Do I want him to help me? No - Yes - Maybe... honestly maybe... honestly I don't know. It depends on the day.

Thank God I'm taking biochemistry!

Yes, all you pre - meds and biochemical enthusists, I am glad I'm taking Biochemistry. At least for now since the class hasn't started hee hee! :) I know it will be hard work once the class starts, but as long as our professor doesn't yell at us during exams or anything like that I think I'll be ok...

Anyway, I was thinking about this a few days ago. God had me take this one pre - med class for several very good reasons. The first one is that I think He knows that I like to be in classes where I see His hand in His creation. That's going to become important especially if things start going down the tubes on the homefront with Grandpa :( It's times like that where I'll need to see God's soveriengty. No kidding, there were times when I was preparing for the MCAT where after I studied something like the cell or something like that, I'd just look at a diagram of something and meditate upon the idea that God made it and that it showed His invisible qualities that were reassuring to me at the time (Rom 1:20).

The second reason I'm glad I'm taking biochemistry is that I'll have a cool group of study buddies some of whom still call Newsom with it's greasy grub and all home, and those of whom consider themselves former Newsomites. You guys rock. I'll hopefully meet some other way cool people there as well.

The third reason I'm glad I'm taking biochemistry is that I may have yet another chance to reach out to the prof - maybe - ya never know - that's a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG maybe. Anyway, I'd have a lot of Newsom buddies to help with that if God calls them to it too :)

The fourth reason I'm glad I'm taking biochemistry is that it will help with the MCAT in April. Zakely said that it would help. So hopefully it will.

lyrical version of Php 3:7 - 8

Trainwreck - Matt Kearney

I'm past the point of returning
For you I'm ruined and broken
There is no way of me turning
You've got my heart in the open

I see it shrink in the distance
In the glow of your glory
And I never will miss this
Bottom line of the story

I see the ocean come crashing
Under lavender skies
I see clouds come flashing
Now tell me, who am I?

Your're the air that I'm breathing
While I'm lying there sleeping
You're the cool of the evening
Now you got me believing,
Singing...

CHORUS:
Trainwreck, I'm a trainwreck for
Trainwreck, I'm a trainwreck
Trainwreck. I'm a trainwreck for
You (Oh lord. yes I am) (x2)

I'll kiss it all with a farewell
Goodbye, how you doing
And let it echo in stairwells
All these songs of my ruin

Now watch me climb my own cross
Without a loss for these words
As I motion a moment's silence
Let it fly with the birds

All else I got without you
Is mucha ado about nothing
I'd rather stand by you gone
Than on the throne of another

You had me all from the start
I count it lost every part
I'll sing it out in the dark
You've got a grip on my heart

(CHORUS x4)

Where could I turn from you
The darkest nights, you know you'd find a way
What else have I to do
What words are there left to say
You are the air that I breathe in
Here is my heart I give
You are all of my reason
You are my reason to live

(CHORUS x5)

This is a cool song :) It comes from the verse, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the supassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things..." Philipians 3:7 - 8. Jesus is the only reason he lives because Jesus was the one that 'gripped his heart.' All he sees ahead of him is the glory of God and he won't look back.

Do we? More specifically, do I think that way? No. So much clutter lies between now and heaven - but is the glory of God just heaven? Could the glory of God just be stuff we do in service to Him and from His leadings? Can we see the glory of God every day? I guess for me, I put things like the glory of God in the category of "I'll see it in heaven sometime" or "I'll see it in church or during quiet time." But in the mean time, I have more practical things like daily chores (laundry, cleaning my room), finding a job, doing the pre - med thing, etc. that I need to focus on because to me, it's impractical to just 'have your head in the clouds.' But then I find God working through me in my every day life. For example, yesterday I gave directions to two people that didn't know their way around campus. I was serving them and that was reflecting the glory of God. So, will my life just be practical clutter, or will it reflect God even in the practical stuff? Depends on how I look at it and if I'm letting God lead me. Then all I will see is the glow of God's glory :)

Frustrated Worship

So last night I was playing the piano at the LSC Sunken Lounge. I was working out of a new piano book called "Modern Worship." I was working on the song God of Wonders (surprise, surprise) and Shout the the Lord. Both songs I'm really familiar with and love to sing, so I decided to learn them on the piano.

There wasn't anyone around since it was about 8:00. The room was kinda dim so it made seeing the music a bit hard. That's probably why I found myself making more mistakes than usual when trying to play these songs. Because of other stress, I get irritated slightly easier than usual, so I got frustrated faster. But I kept playing. After my hour of practice, I came out of the Sunken Lounge and saw the sun setting. The sky was really cloudy, so there was a TON of pink in the clouds. A thought popped into my mind which I attributed to the Holy Spirit: "I think this is what you were trying to say." I sat down on the ledge by the flagpoles in awe just watching the pink slowly fade from the sky. The sky was proclaiming that God was the God of Wonders and it was shouting to the Lord that He was worthy of our praise. That's what God meant when He said, "I think this is what you were trying to say." He knew what my heart was trying to say even if my music couldn't convey it yet.

As I thought about it further, if our lives are like worship (actually, they should be acts of worship) we still stumble. We still 'miss the notes' and fall in our daily walks. Kind of like David. He had some major mistakes during his walk with God. I have had some too. But we both pleaded for God's mercy and our hearts were once again right with Him. It's like playing a song, messing up a huge chunk of it, but then coming back for a strong finish. The meaning of the song is still there even though there are mistakes. The song is still felt and the audience (or your music instructor) still knows your heart was in it even through you forgot a few flats or sharps or missed that elusive key - change. In the same way, if we're walking with God and we fall, but we ask God to pick us up, He saw that we fell, but He sees that our heart is still in it and still knew what we were trying to say.

By Faith....

Today we were reading Hebrews 11 - 12 and praying through those two chapters at morning prayer. I thought of a list of things that I knew or that I did because of faith. Reember that it is not me who can take the credit but it is Jesus - the author and perfector of my faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Heb 11:1

1. By faith I listened to the sermons at church and tried to learn from them and lead a good life because of them. Somehow, I knew that God's word was a light to my feet...
2. By faith I knew that cursing was wrong - hearing it made me uncomfortable, and by faith, I took that as a sign that I wasn't supposed to do that.
3. By faith Mom got healed from a cyst when I was in 6th grade. My grandparents never stopped praying for her, and I stepped up to have the faith of my grandparents and completely trust that God would heal her.
4. By faith I knew that my body was a temple. I had heard it in church, but I put faith in the idea that God would somehow reward those that kept their body set apart for Him.
5. By faith I stood up in my 9th grade sex - ed class and said that God desired abstinance because it was His way of protecting us from the ills of sexual immorality. I didn't have any verses to quote and I wasn't Christian at the time.
6. By faith I trusted God for the consequences of trying to take my own life (11th grade.)
7. By faith, I chose to go to CSU and constructed my rationale for going later.
8. By faith I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
9. By faith I allowed God into my life as a pre - med.
10. By faith I allowed God to become my 'Abba' Father
11. By faith I broke free of my past by allowing God to heal me from its scars.
12. By faith I trusted that God was soveriegn even through the death of my uncle and the illness of my Grandpa.

Hard Core

Ok, so some of you know the beginning of this story. Others of you don't. I'm retelling some of it but adding current issues because it shows that even though we initially backslide when the same situations come up, if we are in tune with God, He will speak to us , pull us closer as we come to Him, and He will carry us through.

Further note: Some of you may even know one of the main people in this entry. All I ask is that you don't mention him by name if you wish to leave comments as the internet is public and I want to keep it as anonomyous as possible.

Tonight, for some random reason, I was thinking about a story in Reader's Digest a monthly magazine Mom and my gradnparents have suscribed to monthly, and a publication that I had my nose in from fifth - eleventh grade. The story was entitled, "The Meanest Man I Ever Loved." It was one Marine's memories of Boot Camp with his drill sargant who ridiculed his every move and wasn't satisfied until a task was done perfectly. At the time, the man despised his drill seargant. However, as his career in the Marines went along, he began to appreciate him more and more, and even have fantasies of his drill seargant saving him from battles and things. He came to think of his drill seargant as a father since as a child, the Marine was in the foster care system and had no long term parent figures. The story concludes with the man reuniting with his drill seargant after a few years out of the Marines and the two men swapping stories with the Marine telling his seargant how much influence he really had.

I realize that this story strikes a nerve with me because I was in a similar situation. Instead of the ruggedness of boot camp, the setting was a darkened lecture hall. I had met the 'most hard core man I've ever admired.' Every answer we wrote down had to be perfect, nothing out of place, no stray marks on the page. Though he never made anyone 'drop and give him ten' when he was displeased like the Marine's drill seargant, he did make lots of people cry. By the grace of God, I was never one of those people. Throughout the semester, my friends and I usually discussed how mean he was, how hard the class was, and how too many solvents had addled his brain. We left the class grateful the grades we had and sanity that remained in us. Most of us eagerly burnt or recycled our notes. One of my friends tore her exams to shreds with gusto.

I thought that class would stay locked within some obscure crevasse in my brain, just like the Marine probably thought that he wouldn't think much of his days in Boot Camp. But the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year, my uncle fell ill with terminal cancer. Suddenly I was remembering the pharmecutical lecture. That class. But I started to think something that didn't quite make sense. Over and over in my diary, that summer, I kept writing, "And I want him to be here...", "...and I don't know how, but he could explain it to me." As I did research on my uncle's cancer as well as chemotherapy, and as I saw my uncle get worse and worse, these feelings I couldn't explain heightened.

One day I was talking to God about all this and He asked me why I wanted this other person around so badly, why I was somehow hoping he would appear in the Auraria Campus Library in downtown Denver where I was doing this research, why I was once three digits away from calling the number listed in the campus directory, and why I near constantly reminiscing about his class when I wasn't thinking about my uncle. God showed me what the Marine eventually realized by himself - this person in my mind was going from who he was as his given role in my life to who I wanted him to be for me at the present moment. He was supposed to fill a gap. I was startled to realize that, like the Marine, I was longing for a father figure. I could speak to Mom about my uncle, but not that much because she, as his older sister, was also reeling from his diagnosis. For the most part, I felt alone, so I imagined someone that wasn't hurting like my mom, but was more knowledgable than I to talk to. Like the Marine having dreams about his drill seargant rescuing him in the midst of combat, I started 'mind - tripping' about this person somehow resucing me from this situation or somehow helping me through it.

As the summer went on, God revealed to me that this way of thinking was a trap. I was looking to an image to help me rather than God. Furthermore, the real person couldn't help me due to his lack of belief in God. "You want Someone hard – core?" God asked me one day. "Think about it... a guy who rules everything, made everything, died on a cross to save the world, and calls His followers to give up everything – even their flesh – to follow in His footsteps." Ok. Most definitely Hard Core. God showed me in His word that He already promised to be the "Father to the fatherless," and was the everything and more that was listed just in Isaiah 9:6. I started to put my trust in Him for those things and leave my heart with Him.

In May I thought I was through with my idealizations, through with my longing for this exxagerated form of a person to rescue me from things, but then my grandfather – the closest person to a father that I have had suffered a stroke. As he grew worse over Finals week, I knew my mind was regressing back into needing that other person. I didn't speak to him, but I wanted to. I saw him in passing several times during the first weeks in summer schoool, but I didn't have the energy to talk to him due to being worried about Grandpa. Plus I knew I really couldn't. But that didn't stop me from wanting to.

The battle raged on: I want to talk to him. But I can't. But I want to. But you should talk to God. But this is the second summer God put me through a trial involving my family. But you still can't talk to... I could feel my mind slipping back down into that pit of my own musings that I didn't want the light of God to ever see (even though I knew He knew.) Slowly I started talking to God even when it hurt. Slowly I would allow my mind to be open to God to comfort it even as Mom and I walked down the hallway to Grandpa's room in his new long term care facility.

My situation is definitely hard core. I am still in the middle of combat – the battle for Grandpa's health, and the battle for my mind. But I have a Rescuer more real than anyone that I had dreamed up. I no longer walked by a particular corner of campus looking up at the 3^rd floor of one of the buildings wondering if a certain window would be illuminated. I watch the sunrise and sunset from my windows in the Lory Apartments and remember God was faithful. Early this month, I showed Mom the horticulture garden and was led to quote Romans 1:20. God's light is bigger than that little light in an office window. God is always by my side through all this, sometimes carrying me around when I am so physically and emotionally tired that I just want to lie in bed. He is the 'most hard core Person that has ever loved me.'

The Brain - Brain Barrier

Yes, you read right. The Brain - Brain barrier not the blood - brain barrier. It's what keeps parts of your brain from not communicating or it keeps parts of your brain unreachable. In my own brain, my random musings and daydreams are a barrier to me thinking and praying through stuff that needs to be dealt with. God and I had a chat about that this morning in place of Infusion prayer. It was good to talk with God about stuff that needed to be dealt with (surprise, surprise.)

God also told me that sometimes I pray from my brain instead of my heart. Meaning: sometimes I pray in a detached manner and say stuff that sounds good like, "Use this for Your glory" or "I pray I see Your sovereignty..." which in itself isn't bad, but when I pray it in place of what my heart wants to say, I block my heart from God. God said, "I know you do that because there's things in there that you don't want to say." Uh huh. But once I say them, I know that God's going to take care of them and I truly feel them lifted. :)

"I'm pre - med, but I forgot why."

I have to write that pesky Medical School admissions essay. The prompt goes like this: Use the space provided to explain why you want to go to medical school. The available space for your response os 5300 characters or approximately one full page... (AAMC, 2006)

Riiiiiiiiiight. Why I want to go to medical school... that should be easy.

I... want to go to medical school because.... um... because... I want to help people.... and.... I like science.... and I like figuring out stuff... and....um...

Ok, so it's harder than I thought. Suddenly it hit me: I WANT TO GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL BUT I FORGOT WHY! Seriously, I forgot why. I know I picked doctor because Mom said that "over my dead body are you going to become a nurse."
She's a nurse and she doesn't like it. At the time I only knew of one other profession: Being a doctor. If I couldn't be a nurse, I could be a doctor. They're always learning new stuff about how to treat people, so I thought that was cool. I came to that decicision in 10th grade.

I didn't have much of a true identity as I entered 10th grade. School was my identity because it was the only thing I was good at. But school couldn't get you very far - it couldn't make you popular or erase your quirks or past hurts. After I made the decision to be pre - med, being "pre - pre - med" became my identity. I made friends with Linh, Anh, Vina, and Ryan. I would have a future that could maybe cover up or somehow redeem my past. My new friends had dreams of going to college to be pre - med, so naturally, we found a big portion of our lives in common. Being pre - pre med was my life in high school and later in the first half of college. I focused on my classes and extracurricular activities. I didn't get the chance to volunteer much due to transportation constraints and the fact that I needed to work. When I did volunteer, it was with church and premedica with premedicaid. I don't have as much 'medical experiance' as some pre - meds which is somewhat of a source of an anxiety.

Anyway, I jumped from "pre - med sounds good" to "pre - med is my LIFE!!" really quickly. In college, I became Christian. So am I pre - med or am I Chrisitian? The Christian identity will stick with me LONG after any academic / professional identity.

But I do want to see why I decided to do pre - med. I know how God used me being pre - med. He used it to let me come into contact with TONS of people I otherwise would never have met and now we're friends - or they are people I have prayed about and tried to outreach to.

Still, why did I decide? Other than the fact being a nurse was out of the question? Well, I always liked medicine - I was imersed in medicine, being a patient numerious times when I was young and then learning about the medical field with Mom telling me about her days at work. I was good at science. Ok, so I could've become a researcher or something... well, I wanted to help people... no, really, help people. Like be there with them. Like, ask them what's going on. And then figure out what was wrong with them. Dentists do that... but mouths? eeeeew!

Well, that's my musings for starters... now to expand on that and put it in a 5300 character (roughtly 1 page) essay... sigh....

Stuff pre - meds talk about (among themselves)

I got this idea because a pre - med friend and I talk a lot about nerdy stuff. Here's an insight into what some of us pre - meds talk about among ourselves

1. medical problems they had they tried to solve by themselves
2. medical problems other people tried to solve themselves (that pre - meds try to talk them out of doing)
3. trauma in movies - what part of the body got hurt, what pieces of organ those were laying on the ground
4. blood in movies - arterial or venous and why
5. how women docs could do at home vasectomies on their husbands (don't ask, please don' ask!)
6. Medical miracles in the Bible - why they are seriously massively supercool!
7. O - Chem and medicine
8. How the various fumes might've addled the O - Chem professor's brain
9. what not to put on the AAMCAS personal statement section

Christianity Explained

This essay was written as part of the application proccess to this newspaper my church is trying to get off the ground. The applicant had to write it to be a candidate for the position of writer (all positions unfortunately are unpaid...). Anyhoo, the essay had to answer the question, why should I become Christian? So, here it is. I'm including this in my blogs because all my posts touch on my identity as a Christian.

Christianity Explained

Many people believe that to accept Christianity is to accept a set of moral codes with a corresponding set of viewpoints that influence the actions of people that associate with it. Christianity, according to this assumption is to be followed because it will provide a moral framework for one's life and a set of guidelines to judge one's actions by.

However, Christianity does not answer the question of how to lead a moral life. Its basis is set in the fact that humanity has not lived up to a moral code prescribed by its Creator. God's moral code is stated explicitly in the Ten Commandments. Though one may not have violated them through one's actions, God looks at one's motives. If one had the intention of violating a commandment, one is already guilty of breaking it.

These thoughts or actions that break any of the ten commandments separate ourselves from God because He must separate Himself from anything that is less than His perfection. This separation of mankind from God is the cause of physical death and suffering as well as separation from God after death in a place referred to in the Bible as Hell.

The reunification of mankind with God can only be achieved when the wrongdoings of mankind are paid for. This idea of justice happens many times when a crime is paid for by jail time. However, we can't pay for breaking God's commandments ourselves by acting civilly or by doing acts of charity because we are imperfect and any attempt to pay for our wrongdoings is overshadowed by our predisposition to disobey God's commandments.

Christianity addresses this problem through the solution of Jesus Christ. He was the deity of God in the form of man. This meant that He had all the capabilities of God such as power over nature and power to heal people from incurable diseases. These capabilities were demonstrated through the miracles He performed which were recorded in the New Testament. He also followed the Ten Commandments both in His actions and His thoughts. Thus, Jesus was perfect and all powerful in every way. This perfection allowed Him to pay the fine for us by dying on the cross. This payment was not overshadowed by any imperfection, so the payment was the only valid one God would accept.

Therefore, one should become Christian by accepting the fact that he or she can't pay the fine he or she owes his or her God for their violation of the Ten Commandments, and having the faith that Jesus died on the cross as the only viable way to repay that debt. In this way, one can now be reunited with God both in his or her physical life and after death.

Hm...............

So, it's been a long time since I updated my blog. I was in Denver and I had dial - up internet.... 'nuff said. I was also visiting my extended family and cousins I hadn't seen for a very long time. Anyhoo, I'm back in The Fort.

This looks like it may be another one of those random blogs. I want to go outside soon, so I won't be long here. Today I woke up in a bad mood. So I went for a run, but not before listening to the radio wake me up. The song "Flood" by Jars of Clay was playing,
" Calm the storms that drench my eyes, and dry the streams still flowing / casting down all waves of sin / and guilt thats overflowing... If I could swim after 40 days / and my mind was crushed by the crashing waves / lift me up so I cannot fall / lift me up"
My mind this morning was flooded with thoughts about Grandpa and my fears he wouldn't get better and that he was suffering when he didn't want to be. I was sad on the 4th of July because it was the 1st 4th of July without my uncle RG and now Pa wasn't there. So that made me a little sad all week. So one could say that I was doubly hit this summer with continuing to deal with the death of my uncle and now with Grandpa's sickness.

As I was running I was thinking about that. I could let all this crush me or I could let God lift me up. This doesn't mean that I won't ever be sad or in a bad mood or stressed about it. It just means that I will walk through those emotions acknowledging God's next to me all the way through. That leads me to another verse, "In all your ways aknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Prov 3:6. If I didn't aknowledge God through hard times, I would tend to not seek comfort in Him and instead seek comfort from someone other than God or my own flesh, both which are bad and not glorifying to God. If I acknowledge God through this, He will comfort me with His word, with His peace, and possibly bringing in another believer to help me.

Seeing Beyond Current Medical Options

On Monday Mom called and told me Grandpa was in the hospital again because he wasn't eating. We were talking and she thought that he wouldn't do any better on a feeding tube, but half the family thinks he will. It was bothering me because I was discouraged; I thought he was getting better because he moved into a rehab place, but he is still struggling with appetite.

That led me to go on an early walk on Tuesday. I didn't get a ride to prayer, so I ended up walking around campus. I ended up sitting on a concrete ledge in front of the Yates building. I started praying about Grandpa and whining to God about how nothing seemed to be working. The song 'Indescribable' came into my head. I said, "Ok, God, since You're so amazing, You heal him." I said it rather sarcastically. Then I paused. Did I really think that He could heal Pa or was I trusting in the medical field for everything and forgetting that I had learned that Jesus identified as The Great Physician. (I had learned that on Monday.)

I thought of the story of the blind man and the story of the paralytic. The blind man was a beggar, but if he could afford it, I'm sure he went to the healers that had whatever medical knowledge or medical ideas they had at the time in 33AD. However, when he knew Jesus was there, he trusted in Him to heal his sight. He was trusting in something beyond the medical field. Same with the paralytic. He was at that pond where people went to get miraculously healed. It would be like someone today flying out to Johns Hopkins University Medical School to get treatment for something. That was the best thing out there at the time for him, but again, he reached beyond that for Jesus.

Could I do that now in this current medical climate? Or was I too wrapped up in the medical field giving me all the ansswers? Maybe it's harder today because the medical field seems like it does have all the answers. We have gene therapy, some stem cell therapy, insane amounts of pharmecuticals, advanced neuological imaging, laproscopic surgery... you name it, we have it or someone's thinking of it. Was I falling into that trap or could I reach beyond the medical world to the Great Physician?

I thought about physcicians themselves since I for so long was and still am wanting to follow in their footsteps. They say, "Take this or do this and then you'll be healed." I think a lot of them may think, "Take this or do this and then I would've healed you ." As I thought about it more, the medicial field revels in the glory of human achievement. To say you are a doctor says you achieved one of the most challenging things. To be pre - med is to build your life around one achievement after another and be able to look back on a string of things to say, "I did it. I got myself here." Not that trying is wrong, but it's the kind of pride that can make people forget that God gave them grace to do that (Deut 8). I realized my family and I, with our curent situation can have two options: Our decisions and the doctors we choose can make Pa better, or placing our trust in God and saying that He will guide the physicians that work with Pa and / or He can miraculously heal Pa if that is His will. Would we fall into the trap of what I like to call medical idealism or can we still have faith?

God reminded me of a memory I had about Pa that I don't think of that often. Pa is a devout Catholic who says the rosary every night. One day when I was 10, he told me how he prayed for God to heal my eyes and after my ear surgery, to heal my ears. I told him I appreciated it, but seceretly I was doubtful. How could God do it, when every physician I talked to said my eyes were massively messed up? I told Mom and she, being a nurse, blew off the idea as crazy. We didn't have the faith Pa did partially because we knew too much about 'what medicine really is. It was the use of chemicals and / or procedures done to alter one's anatomy / physiology to correct things damaged by disease or trauma. It wasn't saying a few prayers hoping the problem will go away.

But then I remembered reading stories out of Luke shortly after I became Christian. I read the story about Jesus healing a boy from epilepsy and a man from schizophrenia. I was blown away because of what I knew about those conditions. I knew they were very hard to treat even to this day and they could be caused by so many differetnt factors. To realize Jesus fixed people's brain biochemistry or possibly structural features just by speaking amazed me.

I saw how opposite those two memories were: I went from scoffing at true faith of Pa to being amazed at the power Jesus had to heal. What happened to that faith? Where was that awe I had when I first believed? Had I forgotten that God was powerful because Pa's current situation seemed discouraging? Possibly. Was it because I had prayed for so long last year about my uncle only to have his cancer come back? Maybe. But I had to remember God's ways were not my ways, and He chooses to do miracles when He wants to to bring glory to Himself.

Knowing that and recalling the faith Pa had, I prayed, this time in earnest for God, the Great Physician to heal Pa. I prayed that He would reveal Himself to my family so they wouldn't doubt His power anymore, and I prayed for Him to heal Pa so Pa could see that God answered the prayer of someone who had the kind of faith that he had modeled for so long.

The Calm After The Storm

Yesterday and the day before were like night and day. Yesterday started off with me hanging out with my friend Tina :) We returned some of her shirts at Ross for somre more shirts. After that I went grocery shopping since our bus pulled into the CSU transit center five minutes before the one to King Soopers on Taft Hill left. I went to the store and bought 2 things of ICE CREAM! :) :) (and yes, I really like ice cream.) Waiting at the bus stop I met my new neighbor Gena (pronounced like Jenna.) She is Filippino like I am and a guest researcher in the Biology / Botany department. We just chilled out at her place for a while. Then I ate lunch.

In the evening, I went with Scott and Tan to go shopping (again) for a caserole we would all make. The casserole was definitely yummy!! We also played a little SuperMario Car (?) on Nintendo 64. Once I came in 5th place instead of 8th place hee hee!! After dinner we all watched Pirates of the Carribean.

That in itself would have been a really really good day :) but seeing as it was the day after I came really really close to ending it all, it made everything seem more precious.

When (neuro)Chemicals attack

So,. last night was weird. I was way happy at The Rock becaus a) the music was cool and b) the message was cool. However, my happy bubble with the message bursted when our guest speaker started talking about how somking had its perks but caused cancer. He was making an analogy that sin was like that: had perks but was bad for your soul, so don't do it type thing, but my uncle got diagnosed with his final bout of cancer a year ago last week :( so that wasn't cool.

I was able to focus on the message, but I started to be sensitive to more things that brought me down. Such as when the pastor talked about how people in heaven could possibly see us and those we know up there would be rooting for us, I thought, "I seriously don't know anyoner personally that's gone up to heaven." Maybe my uncle did. maybe but I'm not sure. I also realized that some people in heaven have probably seen me spill my guts about this sin problem involving me and this other person. Knowing that Chrisitians that knew that other person knew all the crap going on between me and that other person made me cringe. I had this idea that "What happens on earth... stays on earth." mentality about Heaven. Like we'd sorta remember stuff pertaining to God and our salvation and stuff but yeah. Maybe we'll see it as not being a problem or it won't bother us anymore or something but it was weird to think about.

So I guess I was starting to slide down into depression, but like all the times this happens, I don't realize this until I hit rock bottom. Other little things happened to contribute to the familiar downward spiral. There were some biochemical / endocrine factors at work, bust most of it was enviornmental factors such as: I just didn't want to hang out with the summer D - Team and when I got home the neighbors wanted to do stuff and they invited me but they were biking over and I needed a ride so I couldn't do anything with them. I was feeling useless, worthless, and just didn't feel like I was much of anything. I've messed up too much here on earth and people I didn't even know and couldn't see knew about it, memories of my uncle and how he got sick were bothering me again, I felt useless since I didn't have the connection to the D - Team that everyone else did since I was new, and I felt worthless because I couldn't do anything with anyone because transportation hindered it. I just heard this great talk about heaven and how it was like this world minus the sin and it would be perfect. So we brought our memories about earth with us. But maybe in the presence of God even the bad ones wouldn't get us down. I was thinking about the usual routes I thought of to get myself there wether God was calling me or not. I was Chrisitan so if I showed up on God's doorstep a litle unexpectedly, He would still welcome me in. I sat down at my computer to think or maybe start a note, but I thought, "Wait - what would I say in my note...."


When God intervenes


Suddenly I had this strong impulse to leave the apartment, almost like an invisible something inside my head was commanding me to leave. I immediately recognized it as God telling me to get out of the apartment partially so I wouldn't have access to the stuff I would require to make my escape from this world. God also gave the the idea that I would walk down Laurel to Lemay and eventually to Poudre Valley Hospital (PVH). That made sense in light of the fact that it was a safe place to go and if someone thought I needed to stay there longer, that option would be there. However, I left the apartment so fast I only had my coat and keys. No wallet, no insurance card. I figured that if God really wanted me at PVH, He would provide a way for me to get care. As I walked down Laurel, I started to bring what was going on to God. I started to feel a little better. Suddenly it dawned on me that Scott had told me that Colin and some other guys were living on Laurel. That was also a viable solution. I could go to Colin and co.'s house and talk to Colin. He was a fellow pre - med and I could tell him what had happened with my state of mind. Then he could probably help me figure out if I still needed to go to PVH or not.

Soon after I crossed College Ave, I met a lady who was also out walking. She asked me what I was doing out so late, and I told her that I was going to a friend's house. She asked me if I knew where it was and I gave her the number. We looked for it, but couldn't find the house. She asked me how far I was away from my house and I told her that I wasn't very far. She told me that I should probably be getting home.

I realized that God had sent her as kind of my 'turn around' marker. I had walked around during the time I was most vulnerable and the walking and thinking about how I was going to get out of the situation kept me from ruminating on all the bad stuff that happened in the evening. In a way, God was keeping me safe in his own way.

I went home and my friend was caling me just as I walked in the door. She asked me if I wanted to go shopping tomorrow (which by the way is now today :) I told her I would. As I hung up, I realized that I had a goal and a motivation for getting up the next morning.

As I went to bed, I realized that God had an intervention plan all this time for me. I was so glad I heeded his urging for me to leave before I did something rash. God is soveriegn and God is stable even when my own nervous system isn't.

"Be at rest, Oh my soul. For the Lord has been good. Be at rest. Once more." - from the song we sang at The Rock.

This is only a test...

This is a test to see where your heart lies... repeat, this is only a test

Sometimes God asks us either / or questions to reveal to us where our heart lies.


Today God asked me this question,"If you could only pick one, would you get married or go to medical school?" I thought, "WHAT???? Do you mean I have to pick between the two?" He said, "For this question's sake, yes." Grrrrrrrr... I really really want both."


Thinking... thinking... still thinking....


"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - OD!!!! I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE ASKING ME THIS! I want both, You KNOW I do."



Then I thought about it harder. Medical school is something that I want. Getting married means I get someone that I want. God told me that all my life that I've been seeking after somethings because I thought that I was not good enough for or not wanted enough to seek after a someone. Then I said, "Hey, God, You're that Someone I've been wanting!" Cool. Got that taken care of! Now I have my answer: I want to go to medical school :)" ha ha! I outsmarted God!


"Ok, that's true. You can lean on and trust Me to be that Someone regardless of your state on earth. But if you could ask me for one thing: medical school or marriage and you were sure I'd give it to you, what would you ask for?"


Hmmm... Crap. Didn't outsmart God. I knew what He was getting at. He was getting at what my heart longed for. He knew where all my fantasies went (good and bad) and He was trying to help me unpack it. But I didn't like thinking in either / or terms. Medical school was something I wanted ever since I was in 10th grade. I liked science. I liked biology the most. I liked figuring out problems. I liked helping people. Medical school would let me use all that. But what else did I seek when I became a doctor? People needed me. Society always needs doctors, right? and they hardly ever get laid off. So they have high mal - practice insurance and some may have to do surgery at 3:00am on Christmas Eve, but everyone needs doctors. And everyone at least respects doctors - ok, most people do. According to Mom, she made it seem like all the other people in the health professions (especially the nurses) got stepped on all the time. I didn't want that. I wanted to be in a position where if I didn't like what was going on, I'd be in a position to change it. And I wanted significance. Everyone knows what a doctor is and what he or she does. And everyone would know I was pretty smart.


pause.


So was I wanting praise of men? At least that's what that last paragraph seemed to say. God likes things done in secret and not showy (mt 6:1 - 18) for people to see. He would much prefer us doing stuff that's just between Him and us. Of course if guys like Rick Warren and Oswald Chambers go public, it's good if that's God's will, but their heart has to remain as if they were just doing whatever they do to please God and not men. So, do I want to go to medical school just for the kicks of having all the presige and power and significance? No. I want to go to medical school because it's the way to help people using the maximum capacity of my grey matter. Do I really want to help people? Yeah.


What if I didn't go to medical school? I could do something else career wise (what, I don't know.). But what if gasp God didn't want me to have a career. "c'mon, God! I have to! At least for a litle bit. You ever heard of STUDENT LOANS?"
Yes, God knows about those. Of course He knows about those. Then what is He getting at?


He's getting at this: What was the most important thing that I absolutely won't budge on even if He was trying to take it away? I care about getting married and going to medical school, but obviously right now I care about going to medical school and having some sort of a career more. Are they mutually exclusive? No. But is one harder to give up to God if He were to take it away? Yeah. Even if He was replacing it with another desire of my heart. Yeah.


So what to do? I don't know. Pray? Sure. But seriously, I know this isn't something I'm going to wake up and know the answer to. But I'm grateful that God really got down there and was able to break through everything to see what still had a hold on my heart.

Random Thoughts For Today

1. I'm getting better at this HTML stuff. Feel like even more of a nerd, but oh well.
2. I'm writing this DNA paper. It's like a brief overview of how DNA couldn't have just happened. I hope it's not ridiculously oversimplified for... certain possible readers...
3. My attention span in the summer shortans to a all time low.
4. Except for quiet times.
5. When I do have quiet times.
6. Which I haven't had one yet today...
7. Ok... well then, better go!
9. I am finally doing my laundry! YAY!

More of an explanation about the title (because, you know, you always have to have more of an explanation)

So, in our spiritual lives, we are in a constant process of breaking down and building up. Under optimal conditions, we are breaking down our flesh and building up our faith. Sometimes though, we are in undesirable conditions. Our flesh can build back up, or our faith can start breaking down. The worst case scenerio is when both undesirable conditions are happening at once.

The reason we are in equilibrium is because our flesh doesn't totally go away. That's because of The Fall of Creation :-/ We can hope that we continue in our spiritual growth and the flesh continues to be broken down so we grow in faith. That's where we need God's help. Because we can't maintain this equilibrium alone....